How not to be a Dumbinant

[Anjelen]

Allow me to introduce myself - if you haven't heard of me before.

My name is Anjelen. I am a thirty year old Agnostic, Taoist, and Hedonist. Aside from having been in the paid-sex industry for far longer than i can mention on this site, i began receiving training from various Dominants at age 14 - and five years later, became a Dominant myself, both in my lifestyle and for venues such as clubs and a large BDSM rave. I'm a student of the human mind, having studied Psychology and Sexuology on a university level - as well as simply studying the people i've ran into over the long time that i've done what it is that i do.

So - i would like to think that i know what i do, having played this 'game' for over a decade - and i am proud to call myself a Dominant.

Unfortunately, the Dumbinants outnumber the Dominants on this site.

Though it's not so much that they're dumb as it is that they've been browsing too much porn, reading too much erotica, and getting fed 'this is how dominates behave, lol' in bitesize chunks through the wonderous world of the web - and then think they know it all because they can adapt the commands to their own liking and get their fap on at a webcam.

While books, movies and other media, such as The Training of O, The Secretary and, oh, The Koka Shastra are wonderful sources of information, they aren't the end-all - and simply watching or reading these, do not a Dominant make. Do not blatantly regurgitate that what you see, hear and read - a good Dominant will have a style of their own, adapted to their individual skills, knowledge, and preference.

Example - in many, if not all impact play scenes, you will see a Dominant standing at arms length from their subject. yes - this makes for great visuals; the body of the submissive is exposed and squirming, the flogger will stretch to it's full length and thus leave the most visible marks, and so on and so forth. This style has become adapted across the world and is considered almost the standard for many various reasons.

I and a submissive went to a BDSM club in The Hague, not too long ago - and engaged in impact play, as i know she thrives on the impact of harsher sensations. I had her tied to a St. Andreas Cross, all but naked, exposed and vulnerable - and we were both having a good time. I hadn't brought any tools with me, having hoped to find them available at Club Ron, but had to wait for the owner to find us some - so i was swatting her with my bare hands. While i played with her, the owner came in with some things he was borrowing me - some rope and a flogger, simple but effective.

She - i'll call her Rose from here on - at this time was in deep Subspace, and though the presence of a stranger unsettled her somewhat (she had never been 'out of the bedroom' prior to our visit there) she was less concerned about covering up than she would normally have been. As Ron walked in i was standing close to her, my forehead against hers, speaking to her and reading her reactions to see if his presence unsettled her too much - had it, i would have covered her up and undone her bindings until he moved on.

He, a man with countless years of experience, having owned that club for thirty years alone, stood there for a little while, smiling, even before she noticed him. He and i exchanged some words, and before he moved on to see about entertaining his other guests, said the most remarkable thing.
"I love how close you two are, and the energy you exchange"
This is probably one of the greatest compliments i've had in a long, long time - and it all came from the simple fact that i was standing close rather than at arm's length. When i spoke to him later and asked him a bit more about it, he told me that he had found me, "protective and menacing at the same time, wich is the exact 'vibe' that i had been going for. By a simple application of my own style, developed over the years, rather than copying blatantly what i'd previously seen in porn, i had impressed a man who has more than likely seen it all, heard it all, and who most certainly by far knows more than i do.
She, when i spoke this through with her, said that she also appreciated me so close to her, as not only did it give her someone to focus on and a sense of safety, of not having to worry about proprietry and cover up - she was able to remain comfortable even though she had never been seen naked by anyone but a lover, let alone put on public display at a sex club - she also found it, and i quote;
"It was arousing in a sexual way as well. The attention and focus was... very hot."

A Dominant - in my experience, and opinion - should be knowledgeable, yes. But Knowledge Alone Doth Not A Dominant Make. Use whatever resource you have, but use them wisely. Think! Yours is the responcibility of providing a mutually gratifying time for both yourself and your submissive, wether for a one-time scene or for a long term relationship, wether in real life or long-distance.

People skills are important. Not simply controlling another - but knowing what goes through another's mind, reading their body language, listening to the sounds they make, the speed of their breath, watching the movement of their muscle - taking every cue possible to find out how they feel and acting on this in a way that makes the ongoing scene more enjoyable for the both of you - rather than simply telling them what to do, degrading them during, and getting your rocks off without (much) regard for wether or not they enjoy themselves - this is what makes a scene great for all involved.

Also, an exchange rather than one-way servitude heightens the abillity of a submissive to enjoy, to lose themselves, and to surrender. As an example, while Rose and i were enjoying ourselves, two other couples came in to share the room with us. Rose is an average young lady, 20 years old, and while not a priss by any standard, definately not someone who'll throw her clothes off with strangers present. I feared at that time she would Safeword out - and she would have had every right to do so. However - she didn't; it barely crossed her mind.

The two other Dominants, finding the cross taken, tied their submissives to a rack instead - and took to their own Impact Play. They and i exchanged some words, and i noticed Rose's look of 'Wow!' at the sight of the two other ladies tied up and being toyed with - so i suggested she join them at that rack. I suggested, rather than commanded, so as to give her the freedom to decline - but, when the other Dominants and their partners made clear they had no objections whatsoever, she joined them. I kept my focus on her - but seeing as i didn't have toys with me while they did, and i wanted Rose to experience the different sensations in paddles, floggers, whips and whatnot, i suggested to the other Dominants (who i had noticed throwing my Rose some -rather- lustful looks) that they were free to play with her as well...

A young woman who would be the first to describe herself as socially awkward, who is rather shy in common, and who will go out of her way to be as unintrusive as possible, and who prior could not even have imagined the thought of being shared in such a way, found herself on the receiving end of the attentions of three Dominants, two of whom she hadn't even met or exchanged more than a few words with - and, in her own words;
"that moment when all three of you were smacking me staying close to me was just...mrrrah. I couldn't move away or disengage, and it was just overwhelming because I didn't have the space to rationalize or think about what was happening, I just had to feel!"
- she loved it so much that she couldn't stop talking about that experience for days!

Bringing me to, thoughtfullness. Think your words and actions through. What are they going to do to your submissive? What is your submissive going to feel if they are constantly told they are worthless, scum of the earth, and not worth licking the ground you walk on? While it may be hot to you to degrade your submissive, and certainly hot for the submissive to feel degraded, constant degradation will have an adverse effect - over time, your submissive will come to feel ungratified, taken for granted, and unappreciated - and they will leave.

Name calling, or using a commanding tone isn't always the way to go - if i had commanded Rose, an absolute first-timer, to that rack, she would have more than likely litterally freaked out - the 'vibe' would have been lost, the scene disrupted, and the other two Dominants would have more than likely judged me a newbie - and they would have been correct.

Balance pleasure and punishment, and balance them well. One can't expect a submissive to thrive on punishment alone - however hot it may be initially for the both of you, to deny your submissive even the most basic of human dignity and rights, to put your submissive through constant pain - know that, and when enough is enough.

Offer reward where a reward is due. Certainly, a submissive should aim to serve and pleasure you - and here is the kicker - just as you should aim to serve their needs and pleasure. Treasure your submissive - after all, without them you are just a bully with a perverted mind.

Praising your submissive for good behavior and forgiving them for mistakes, only punishing willful and deliberate bad behavior is a far more effective way of training them than doling out punishments to train them, as well as getting them to like you - you become someone who can be trusted and relied on, rather than someone to be feared; someone whom they can relax to rather than tightly trying to make no mistakes whatsoever.

Mistakes are human. Submissives will make mistakes - just as you will. You being a Dominant does not make you flawless or incapable of error - and you should realise this. Be prepared to appologise, profusely where needed, for errors on your part.

Be yourself. Being yourself, and alowing your submissive to be themselves, will allow the both of you to relax, to calm down and warm up to one another - share stories, talk, and laugh; your relationship is not just one of sex.

Even while you should never lose sight of the fact that your submissive, even in their deference and servitude to you, will always remain your equal - there should be times when the two of you speak as equals, evaluate the things you've done and the impact you've had on one another. This is a time where they should be comfortable; when they should not have to wory about following protocols such as calling you 'Master' or 'Mistress', but where you two speak as friends. After all, without friendship, you will have barely a relationship at all.

Respect one another. Respect is one of the rarest coinages - one of the most difficult to get, and one of the most easiest to lose. Without the respect of your peers you would not have peers - and without the respect of your submissive, you will not have a submissive. Likewise, if you do not respect them, how can you fully appreciate and enjoy their surrender to you ?
Respect them as persons, respect them in their servitude, and respect not only their likes and dislikes, loves and (hard) limits - but also your own

Communicate. Communicate clearly, both ways. Listen to what they have to say as much as you would want them to listen to you - if they can't tell you that you're (close to) exceeding their limits, for instance, you will harm them without even knowing it! To this end, naturally, they should be able to tell you when enough is enough, or when they want more - you alone can and should convince them that it is okay for them to do so.

Honor. Honor them as well as yourself. Give honor where honor is due; you will receive it in turn. Honor the rules and variables you set for your relationship as much as theirs - and stick to your rules and variables. You will be all the more reliable for it, and they will know that you won't turn on them - they won't have to feel betrayed.

As i've said in a previous post; between Safe, Sane and Consensual and Risk Aware Consensual Kink, only you (two) decide what is 'right'. But notice that consensual is part of both these different 'playstyles' - again, respect their limits, and their safeword - they should know that regardless of anything at all, their safeword means a stop to the scene, that they will receive whatever (after)care they need at the end of a scene, wether played out or interrupted, and that they can rely on you to help them - not only help them reach the deepest depths of their fantasy in as far as you are capable, but also that you will help them 'surface', and be ready to take up every day life as usual.

Strive to never damage your submissive. Hurt, but harm noone - wether physically, mentally, or socially. You, as a Dominant, exhert a great amount of control, but with great power comes great responcibility. If through a mistake on your part they get outed outside their will, if you leave a bruise that lasts too long, or if you traumatise them, trust will more than likely be lost, and as much as Honor, trust is rare coin that will be far harder to regain than to lose it.

in short - as a Dominant you, ideally, are a mix of friend, psychologist, a shoulder to cry out sadness on, a chest to beat out frustration on, someone to rely on and someone who can be trusted without second thought.
Trust, reliability and friendship come first - sex comes last, because only when your submissive is able to give you trust, rely on you, and be your friend, will you be truly able to take them by the hand and lead them into Subspace without them worrying if you will damage them.

And with that, i leave you for now - i fear i've rambled on long enough, and will let you think. Any questions that you have, you can ask me, or Chloe, or any number of knowledgeable people frequenting GetDare - as much as we are here to enjoy ourselves, we are here to help you - and that goes for you submissives as well!