Old 04-03-2011, 11:40 AM   #1
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Question SM Advice.

Need S/M advice?
But too shy, embarrassed, scared (etc) to ask someone face to face?

Myself and a few others are here to offer S/M advice to anyone who wants it, like kinky agony aunts. A sub and a domme in partnership to help you.

For general safety advice please from now on ask in Nelly's thread as that thread was intended for this purpose this is more SM/ bdsm orientated.

To submit your question(s) click >>here<<.
All question(s) are submitted anonymously so there is no need to worry about people knowing it was you who posted this* though the more detail you do provide the easier it will be for us to help.
we will get to you as soon as possible but please be patient as we do have other commitments outside of the site.
All responses will be submitted here.

*However if there is a great concern a request may be made for you you to speak to one of us in private- but this of course is voluntary.
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Old 04-03-2011, 01:08 PM   #2
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for how long is it save to bind of my balls with rubber bands

It is not safe to tie off your balls with rubber bands at all. While the act of tying off the testicles can be done safely rubber bands due to the elasticity can do damage to the skin, and cut off circulation too fast and too easily becoming dangerous, and can be hard to take off if something does go wrong without doing even more damage. So DO NOT tie off your balls with rubber bands, find a safer substitute that can be removed easier, and has a tightness that can be more easily controlled. As for the how long it is safe to bind them I am not sure. lacking the correct anatomy to give a conclusive answer) So I would not feel comfortable giving you advice on this in case damage was caused due to a miscalculation.

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Old 04-03-2011, 02:27 PM   #3
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How long is it safe to have clothespins on your nipples? What about on your clit and lips?

It is generally believed that it is only really safe to use clothes pins in these areas for about 10 - 15 minutes- with 30 minutes as an absolute max at one time. Beyond this is ill-advised. If you want to continue this for any longer try putting them on and taking them of in intervals but this should again be done with caution.


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Old 04-03-2011, 04:34 PM   #4
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Introduction Time!

First of all i would like to thank Star Shadows for setting up this advice thread. I like the idea of people having somewhere to ask anonymously for BDSM advice as I have witnessed many people being too scared to come forward to ask for help until it's too late, and I am very happy to be involved.

Who am I?

Around here I am known as Honey, although I don't frequent getDare as much as I used to I am definitely still around, and will be more so now I am involved with this. I am a 19 year old female student, who is currently studying medicine in the UK. Due to my career choice I keep my life on getDare and similar "kinks" very seperate from the real me, however this does not prevent me being very honest and giving good advice and having some good conversations with people here.

What is my BDSM background?

Before I joined this site a year ago I was very naive to the whole BDSM scene. It was something that had intrigued me, carrying out some very tame bondage with an ex boyfriend, but I didn't know of the whole community there was both in real life and online. I would describe myself as a submissive, though I am not an active sub at present, and am in no real rush to be in a proper D/s relationship.

In the past, when I was new to getDare, I rushed into what I didn't realise ended up being a D/s relationship. It started off with truths, then some games with dares as forfeits which resulted in me breaking limits and going on camera to a guy I barely knew and was following his commands. I came to the realisation that this was not a good situation, nor one I felt comfortable with and ended it before i did anything else i regretted, and despite it lasting a very short time I left it feeling used and with regrets. It was a horrible feeling, and I had noone to talk to about it. My naivity about the whole situations shone through, and I was lost in a situation I did not understand. It scared me how fast this person sucked me into to doing things I didn't want to do, and regretted afterwards. I later found out this same man manipulated an underage sub and left her in a very dark place, with left me reeling with anger.

Why I am offering advice?

I by no means proclaim I am an expert in anything BDSM related, especially as i have not been in a long term relationship. However, since joining this site I have encountered many people who have found themselves in extremely difficult situations that I have been able to help out in some way. This has built my knowledge base up on the subject, and has also shocked me and scared me that so many people are getting into relationships blindly, and not feeling they have anywhere to ask for advice, whether this be a dom(me) or a sub.

From this thread I hope that we can be a helpoint for those who need some advice but are too anxious to come forward, whatever this advice be, from people who are curious as to what bdsm stands for, to people who have experienced abusive relationships. Both me and Star Shadows welcome any questions at all, and endeaver to answer them all as best we can.

I also welcome PMs from anyone who wants help on anything at all, or even just a friendly chat, my inbox is always open

Anyway I feel as if I have gone on, but thought I had better introduce myself.

Look forward to hearing from some of you soon!

Honey x
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Old 04-04-2011, 09:51 AM   #5
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Default an introdcution.

Ok, i figured that I will follow on from Honeyness’ lead write a quick introduction just so that people know who I am and where I’m coming from so to speak.

Who am I?
Hi, I’m Star shadows, more commonly known around here as Becca, or Shadows (I am too lasy to have the other 4 characters on the front). I am 17 year old, and a student taking my A- Levels in the UK. I am studying RE, History, English and Psychology- along with photography in the aid of going to university to study Psychology and counselling. I want to go into the field of child counselling as an ultimate ends- again this is why it is important that while I am honest and friendly i give very little detail away unless I know you well.

My BDSM background?
Although legally I am underaged to be involved in S/m I have had quite a substantial amount of experience in the past year, I have never lied about this or hid it from anyone. Not all of it was good but it has all been very educational- and has largely shaped who I am now- Including my ambitions of going into psychological care.
As I said, not all of my experiences were good ones, my first ever ‘relationship’ that ever took on any serious direction was deeply destructive as I was naive, and .. honestly? too young to see the the metaphorical wood for the trees. I fell and was dragged into a relationship far beyond what i wanted or was ever happy being involved in. As awful as this time was it did teach me a lot. This is not to say that all people should have a relationship like this to learn the ropes- far from it- ive learnt more from what I read as a result but I have since then had a lot of productive relationships and aided many people who were in a similar situation to myself.

So why am I helping?
As Honey said, I too do not proclaim to be the fountain of knowledge in the field of S/m in fact I am probably far from it. BUT the experiences I had especially the bad ones left me realising that I didn’t want to sit idly by as similar things happened to other people. I found that helping people was as much of a remedy to the hurt i felt as the other things I was using as a real remedy. So shocked and scared by my own experiences I am driving now to help others, in any way that I can, from my threads, to PMs and now this. Especially with so many members joining daily looking for a quick fix it is more important than ever that people are armed with the information they need to stay safe.

If you ever need any help do not hesitate to PM me or ask for more advice and I hope to speak to you soon..

xx Shadows
(see too lazy)
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Old 04-04-2011, 10:06 AM   #6
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Hello. I am into light BDSM and find it to be a NECESSARY part of my life. I want to learn the slave/master relationship from the ground up. I want to learn how to be safe and learn about all the ways people experience pleasure. My preferences lean more to the slave side and so I **think** that my first step should be to find a mentor?? The classical slave/master scenario bothers me a little bit. What I would really like to find is someone who is willing to teach me and care for me and develop a close, trusting relationship. Not someone who will put me on all fours and call me a bitch (at least not very often ). Ultimately, I want this experience to be about me finding pleasure and knowing how and where to find it routinely. So... where do I start?

My reply:

Hey, thank you for your detailed question. My advice to you would be to read, and read a lot. Before you even begin looking for a mentor or a dominant, I advise you familiarise yourself what a BDSM relationship entails. On this site alone you can find a lot of information starting with Threads of note as well as many other threads. There are also many other sites that give advice on BDSM relationships, i *think* it is against the rules to link them here, but a simple google search will send you in the right direction. Obviously don't trust everything you read straight away, but as you read more you will get to know what to look for, and ultimately get to know in yourself what you want. Another good place to find advice is by talking to those who are active in the BDSM community and ask for their advice, thoughts and feelings. I have found that those who take BDSM seriously are often very happy to offer serious advice. Again, as with reading articles, don't always take peoples words for it, as opinions will have great influence in their advice, but it will give you new things to think about to help you structure your own opinions.

My other big tip is patience. Do not rush into finding a mentor or dominant until you are completely comfortable with what you want. It is a much repeated myth that a dominant is in charge of a relationship. In some respects this is true, but the dominant should always act only in the limits that the submissive sets. This means that when searching for a dominant, the submissive has full control to say no if you find yourself faced with something you do not want. You can always walk away if the dominant is not what you are looking for. Take your time, keep your options open and talk to any potential doms or mentors for a long time before you start on any form of bdsm relationship. You need to build up trust and a good friendly relationship before you can submit to someone comfortably. There should be no time limit on this, and should take as long as the submissive is comfortable with. The good dominants are always the ones willing to wait until the submissive is ready and never pushed them. You will encounter many people willing to take advantage and after a quick fix. Don't let these type of relationships tempt you, as they will not give you the close and trusting relationship you desire. It may seem testing, but your patience will reward you in the long run as you find someone who is suited to you.

Thirdly, I would suggest that you find out your own Likes/Dislikes and Limits. The most important one of these being your limits. These should be things you do not wish you do, and you should stick by your limits. Noone should ever make you break your limits, and it is very important that you stick to the limits (and likes) you set, otherwise you will not find the pleasure you desire, and will ultimately be doing things you regret.

You stated that you thought your first step would be to find a mentor. I think this step should be quite far down the line and before you find this person I believe you should read as much as you can, talk to as many people as you can, set your own limits, and ultimately familiarise yourself with what you want to get from a bdsm relationship, before setting about finding a mentor or dominant. It is often the case that people find their mentors/doms from the previous steps and from their discussions with people.

Just take your time and enjoy the learning experience

Star Shadow's reply to follow
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Old 04-04-2011, 10:38 AM   #7
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Hello. I am into light BDSM and find it to be a NECESSARY part of my life. I want to learn the slave/master relationship from the ground up. I want to learn how to be safe and learn about all the ways people experience pleasure. My preferences lean more to the slave side and so I **think** that my first step should be to find a mentor?? The classical slave/master scenario bothers me a little bit. What I would really like to find is someone who is willing to teach me and care for me and develop a close, trusting relationship. Not someone who will put me on all fours and call me a bitch (at least not very often ). Ultimately, I want this experience to be about me finding pleasure and knowing how and where to find it routinely. So... where do I start?


Thank you ever so much for such a detailed query- it really does make it far easier to construct a viable and helpful answer that can start to help you. It is also brilliant that you understand the importance of learning how to be safe in a relationship.

As Honeyness previously emphasised one of the best ways to educate yourself is by reading, and communicating with experienced members. There are a many threads on here that aim to help people onto the right track for them in regards to S/M, with threads of note being the easiest place to start as it offers responses on a wide variety of subject matter and outside of the site there is what seems to be an endless level of media on the subject but as Honey says be careful with this as not all of it comes from trust able sources so do not take it at face value. Members on the site should be more than happy to help, along with us two on this thread.

Patience is also of paramount of importance, so many people are impatient in this lifestyle and will throw themselves at ANYONE with an advertisement. This is dangerous. Take the time to find the right person for you, and do not settle for second best. If youre looking at this as something you really wanted to do then a quick fix often isnt a fix at all. Do not rush and do not forget that if you are not happy with how the relationship is going you have just as much right to call it off as the dominant/mentor is. Talk, converse and build trust to go alongside your learning
Quote:
You will encounter many people willing to take advantage and after a quick fix. Don't let these type of relationships tempt you, as they will not give you the close and trusting relationship you desire. It may seem testing, but your patience will reward you in the long run as you find someone who is suited to you.
this is also very important and really needs to be emphasised over and over again.

It is also good that you know that you do not want “someone who will put me on all fours and call me a bitch” you may be right that your desires go against the classic ones however this makes them no less valid. as has previously been said know your likes and dislikes, and more importantly limits. These limits are your safety net so to speak and will prevent you from doing things you do not want to do. It is important to know and understand that these are not set in stone and you can change your likes limits and dislikes based on experience however it is you and only you with the power to do this no-matter what potential doms might say.

Again just rounding off, education and communication are the best ways of finding out more and learning about the lifestyle- with more respectable members generally being the best point of call. But learning through reading should really come before entering a relationship or finding a mentor- this isn’t as important as equipping yourself with the tools to do it properly.

A last piece of advice id suggest is to ask around about potential doms, either through PM or in chat- sometimes they will have had experience or heard experience about a particular member you are considering and getting a third person view of a member can often be useful and quite reliable.


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Old 04-08-2011, 12:34 PM   #8
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How do I gain absolute trust and respect from my sub?

Absolute trust is something that is gained over a LONG time with a submissive it is not something that will develop over a day or a week. I've seen very few that have absolute trust in an online relationship, maybe due to the nature of it being just that... an online relationship as motives are hard to judge in any relationship online or off (be it romantic, D/s or friends etc): in the grand scheme of things it seem to be that the d/s relationships that seem to have anything close to absolute trust are at least 3 year old - Having a vanilla aspect to a relationship might help, as it allows them to get to know you outside of the social norms of a submissive dominant relationships. A more personal understanding of you may sometimes be more useful to building trust than the highly dominant mask/ alter ego that many people have. One of the best ways to make trust grow is also to fully respect his/her limits, do not do anything to harm her and try and bring aspects of vanilla into the lifestyle let her know you as a friend not just a Dom, even maybe reward her with you going on cam from time to time it immensely reassuring to see who you are laying down yourself to.

Another possibility to look at is a change of outlook don't just do the tasks that you want to do; explore what she wants to do as well show that you too can see and respond to her not just the other way around- your job is to make her happy as much as it's hers to make you happy. This may also secure a relationship and make it stronger and more long lasting. However it is vital to remember overall trust is gained not bought


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Old 04-08-2011, 02:49 PM   #9
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How do I gain absolute trust and respect from my sub?

Quote:
Absolute trust is something that is gained over a LONG time with a submissive it is not something that will develop over a day or a week. I've seen very few that have absolute trust in an online relationship, maybe due to the nature of it being just that... an online relationship as motives are hard to judge in any relationship online or off (be it romantic, D/s or friends etc): in the grand scheme of things it seem to be that the d/s relationships that seem to have anything close to absolute trust are at least 3 year old - Having a vanilla aspect to a relationship might help, as it allows them to get to know you outside of the social norms of a submissive dominant relationships. A more personal understanding of you may sometimes be more useful to building trust than the highly dominant mask/ alter ego that many people have. One of the best ways to make trust grow is also to fully respect his/her limits, do not do anything to harm her and try and bring aspects of vanilla into the lifestyle let her know you as a friend not just a Dom, even maybe reward her with you going on cam from time to time it immensely reassuring to see who you are laying down yourself to.
As Star has already said with any online relationship it is always difficult to gain 100% trust as neither party can ever fully know the other person, even if there were to talk every day for a year. To gain a good amount of trust is achievable however, over time and with a lot of patience. You have to earn your submissive’s trust, in the exact same way that they have to earn yours. As far as trust is concerned, you are both equals. Ensure that you are always honest with your sub, and that you never hide things from her or go back on your word, as this will only taint and trusting relationship you build up. Make sure you get to know her on a personal level, so not just as a dominant. Get to know what she does in her spare time, the things that are important to her and take an interest in these. This will not only build a more trusting relationship but a better relationship all round. As Star Shadow’s said “let her know you as a friend not just a Dom” Is very valuable advice and will serve you well in gaining her trust.

Quote:
Another possibility to look at is a change of outlook don't just do the tasks that you want to do; explore what she wants to do as well show that you too can see and respond to her not just the other way around- your job is to make her happy as much as it's hers to make you happy. This may also secure a relationship and make it stronger and more long lasting. However it is vital to remember overall trust is gained not bought.
It is very important to respect the submissive’s limits and not try to push them, as if you do this it will ultimately push them away, breaking any hope of gaining trust. If you respect her wishes then she will respect you much easier and the relationship will blossom healthily. Ultimately spend the time to get to know your submissive and let her get to know you, let her ask questions and explore ideas with you by talking before putting them into practice. If you respect and trust your submissive completely then naturally she will respect and trust you too.
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Old 04-08-2011, 03:07 PM   #10
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My submissive does not like pictures to be taken but I do like to change her mind, what way do you think I should approach her?


Find out if it's a hard or soft limit- something she is dead set against or just uncomfortable with.
If it's a hard limit then leave it, do not touch it, don’t try to break it or change it or convince her that she should change it. Just leave well alone and she might change on her own as the trust grows.
If it's a soft limit then the key is to find out how she feels about it in a deal of detail. Then over time, at a pace she is comfortable with, when and if she is comfortable with it begin to ask her to make certain photos of non kink photos, ie hands and feet or clothed photos, things that won’t make her feel pressured or distressed. Begin to work up a little at a time making sure she is always calm and that she feels like she is in control.
As I have said start easy and build up to more drastic things if she feels this is possible. You should discuss the steps with her as to how far you progress at any one time, and where the steps should be set. In situations like this is important that the submissive is the one that is in charge of the speed and direction, able to stop, back track or progress as she feels ready but it is also very important that you also communicate at length with one another.
This method should help a little if not completely as it is not unlike the methods for revering phobias and anxiety disorders in certain psychiatric cares. [See systematic desensitisation and aversion therapy as counter conditioning in the behavioural approach]. It’s just a simpler method of doing it- without the expensive psychiatric costs of seeing a therapist. It should also work with the vast majority of other soft limits.
However it is important to remember that you cannot push her further than she wants to go and that if she cannot get to the stage this is not important and a relationship doesn’t have to centralise around the use of a webcam and some girls are more shy about going on cam than others it may take some time.

Advice provided by Star shadows
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Old 04-08-2011, 03:35 PM   #11
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She does not like pictures to be taken but I do like to change her mind, what way do you think I should approach her?

Quote:
If it's a hard limit then leave it, do not touch it, don’t try to break it or change it or convince her that she should change it. Just leave well alone and she might change on her own as the trust grows.
Firstly I want to fully enforce this point. There are many reasons why people don’t go on camera or show pictures and ultimately if they say no they mean no. This should not be pushed; they should not be given ultimatums or blackmailed to take pictures as this is against their rights. Showing themselves to someone they met online can be a huge barrier for many people and one that many will never cross. You have to respect that as a hard limit.

However if this is something your submissive classes as a “soft limit” or something they will become more comfortable with over time then give them plenty of that, time. The most important thing is not to immediately request a “full naked picture showing your face.” This would be unfair and you are not likely to get it. Find out by talking to your submissive what it is about pictures that make her feel uncomfortable, whether this be the prospect of showing naked skin on an image, or showing their face in case they are recognised or even that they are not 100% comfortable with how they look. Once you have identified what troubles the submissive about pictures you can work around it, as Star previously mentioned start small and work your way up. For example, if they do not want to show their face then you cannot force them, but maybe take CLOTHED fun photos of other aspect of body, like perhaps hands with drawings on, or even neck to display a necklace or perhaps a collar, but avoiding the face. If through this giving of small scale pictures the sub becomes comfortable enough to show their face (for example) then let them tell you, but still take it slowly, perhaps asking for a picture of just her eye, then just her lips before her whole face. Work within the limits the submissive lays down and communicate with her to come to a respectful middle ground that you both, but most importantly the submissive is comfortable with. Also remember to keep the images she shares with you to yourself, and yourself alone. This will be what she will expect when she entrusts you with them and they are not for you to circulate to anyone else.
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Old 04-09-2011, 05:33 PM   #12
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EXCITING NEW NEWS EVERYONE
Lady Celeste has agreed to help us here giving an actual dominant point of view on your questions and queries. So that you can get even more help when you need it. Ask questions to one of us non of us or all of us just dont be afraid to ask,
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Old 04-10-2011, 03:25 PM   #13
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A little bit of a pre-advice notification as to some minor additions to the advice 'programme'/'scheme':
  • Lady Celeste's responses will largely come through her live slots on getDare radio- if you do not want your responses made there then please notify us of this however you chose to contact us so that we know to dis-include you from the show (you still will get advice from myself and honey though)
  • Some of the advice now given is from PM and chat questions, we will not post it here without your consent and it still will remain anonymous so don't worry about that. If you don't want us to post it then we won't.


This response was received via Chat last night- the question has been paraphrased so that it could be condensed as best possible: this is also an extended response to the original one now i have had time to mull things over.

I would like to be a competent dom one day, and currently I have a gf who also acts as my sub, but she cheated on me multiple times a while ago, and since then I don't trust her. The problem is... while I could look for a new sub, she is my first and I’m not very experienced so I don’t know where to look, if I should look or if I should try and patch things up with her.

Trust is something that is very easy to break and hard to regain so patching things up with her really depends a lot on if you love her enough to try and put what she did to you in the past and try to forget about it and move on... There is no point being with her AT ALL if you do not trust her or love her enough to put it at least behind you a little bit. If you don’t trust her I doubt it can continue as a fully functioning relationship as any form. If however you can find a way to get past it and start to try and trust her then it starts to depend on if she is committed enough, and in the right motivation to stay with you and just you so you can try and get a little bit of that trust back.- So you would need to talk to her, a lot to try and figure out where you stand and if there is any chance to move on with it etc. as Lady Celeste said in her video chat last night communication is vital if you want the relationship to go anywhere. But unfortunately building trust in a relationship back up to where it was is damned near impossible especially if the thing to have broken this trust occurred more than once.

Online:: As for getting a new sub, I would recommend that you still talk to your girlfriend (if of course you chose to continue with her) about this possibility of getting a submissive as you do not want to look hypocritical in seeing someone without her knowing. Then if you do go ahead with this it is just a case of either posting an advert- detailed and informative NOT a 2 line piece of shit on getDare and seeing what you come up with- then just being very patient accepting the possibility that you will end up with some fakes and twats applying who are not serious about the relationship and are just being a pain- just keeping at it you are most likely not going to find what you are looking for right away these things take time so don’t lose hope just because you haven’t found your ideal match- or you start talking to people on chat and across the site to find someone again being patient and looking out for a people who are not genuine. Chat is also a useful tool for checking members out and making sure the people that you are talking to are as legitimate and serious about your relationship as you are.

In real life:: If you are looking for real life relationship (offline is probably a more apt definition that real life- yay for fictional online relationships >.>) Try looking for events and fetish clubs in your area- there are bound to be some (even if like the one I know of near me its only like once a month with occasional coffee afternoons)and being to talk to people and get to know them get to know the area and slowly begin to integrate- but don’t get in too fast. Again it won’t happen straight away but in coming back again and again you may find people who want to sub for you etc. but get to know them first, ask around about their reputation (even more chance people will know each other here) and don’t go off with people who you don’t know and don’t go getting in too deep too early because this tends to be where problems occur.

A subsequent question. I guess it makes sense. I can read all the stuff I want and talk to people, but just like a normal relationship it doesn’t fully prepare you. So may as well jump in headfirst at some point.

I would strongly discourage ‘Jumping in head first’ In any lifestyle this is a bad idea- real life or online. It risks getting hurt if you get into something too fast for what you are ready for so no, head first is bad. But yes you need to try and become more involved in the lifestyle (slowly)if you want to enter an offline relationships as texts and talking cant tell you everyting. But back to the main point jumping in head first, speaking from experience here, can be incredibly dangerous. When you think you know what you’re doing and get in too deep it is one of the scariest things that will ever happen because getting out is so much harder. Think of it like jumping in the pool when youre swimming, if you don’t get in deep enough you can’t progress- but if you jump in above your depth then it is that much harder to get back to a level that you are comfortable with. You need to gradually become more involved rather than throwing yourself at it while still backing it up by reading more and more about it.


Advice provided by Star Shadows (and checked by Honeyness)
Who will respond soon.
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Last edited by Star Shadows; 04-10-2011 at 03:28 PM.
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Old 04-10-2011, 04:13 PM   #14
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My dom and I have an incredibly relaxed relationship- we do not play often and I don't have many rules. We also tease and joke around at each other a lot (in a way some would see disrespectful) but we give as good as we get. Someone told me that out relationship was not real because of this and it is starting to put doubts into my mind about it. I love my dom a lot but now im confused! Someone help!

First of all, I do not see why someone telling you it isn't real would be any reason to have any doubts. You love your dom, just as much as your dom loves you and that's what matters. Truly, don't let anyone else tell you that something isn't "real" because they don't understand it.

Everyone in entitled to their own point of view, but as a dom, if I heard anyone tell me that about my relationship with my submissive, I would just shrug it off. You are the only person who can tell if the relationship is right for you or not. No one should make you feel as though you are doubting what you have because that's not right.

As a submissive, you should have confidence in your relationship with your dom. If you feel as though doubt is crawling into your mind, you should talk to your dom about it. From the way it sounds, the two of you have a fantastic working relationship and if it is really concerning you, then you should go talk to your dom about it. You can approach it in many ways, but the best way to do it would be to say something along the lines of, "I have something I need to talk to you about. It's really important and I need your help with this. Someone told me that what you and I have is not "real" and I'm starting to have doubts crawling into my mind and I'm not sure what to do." But do it in such a way that you aren't sounding as though you want to "end" things with your dom because it can come across that way.

Doms need reassurance too on occasion that their submissive(s) are happy with them. So be sure to tell your dom that you are very happy with him/her and let them know that you don't want to leave them, but this was said and you're unsure. Doms are people too, just as submissives are people as well and if your dom is as kind as you make him/her out to be, then I'm sure he/she will understand and talk to you about your fears. You have to be able to be open and honest with your dom if you want the relationship to work.
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Old 04-10-2011, 04:44 PM   #15
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My dom and I have an incredibly relaxed relationship- we do not play often and I don't have many rules. We also tease and joke around at each other a lot (in a way some would see disrespectful) but we give as good as we get. Someone told me that out relationship was not real because of this and it is starting to put doubts into my mind about it. I love my dom a lot but now im confused! Someone help!


As lady Celeste has already said it is not for anyone other than yourself and your dom to decide if your relationship is real or not. If you love your dom and he loves you and you are both happy it shoudn’t matter what anyone else says about it. While people are entitled to an opinion this doesn’t mean you have to listen to it.

Many relationships can have a wide variety of dynamics, and unless its something that is incredibly harmful and damaging to the submissive (note I say harm not hurt pain is good physical and psychological/emotional scars generally aren’t) there seems to be no real right or wrong answer and no real or fake relationships its very much down to personal preference. Just because your relationship is not incredibly strict and tight run doesn’t mean that it is wrong- if it works for you then don’t worry about the opinions of others.

Quote:
As a submissive, you should have confidence in your relationship with your dom. If you feel as though doubt is crawling into your mind, you should talk to your dom about it. From the way it sounds, the two of you have a fantastic working relationship and if it is really concerning you, then you should go talk to your dom about it.
This is very true also- you need to have confidence in yourself and your dom, and your relationship. I know it’s a lot of things but it makes it easier to shrug off the people who tell you that it isn’t real etc. You appear to have a wonderful relationship that will be very fruitful and fulfilling now and as it grows but you should speak to your dom about this and other concerns. As much as doms can be wonderful amazing people very few are mind readers they often wont know you have a problem unless you tell them before it has a negative effect. Make sure he/she knows that you aren’t ‘ending it’ and try and talk these concerns through and see what your dom has to say to support and encourage you.

Everything will be fine- just don’t believe the crap people give you. Its your life and your choice, not theirs and they don’t have to be in your relationship so they don’t have to like it. So just keep smiling and all will be well.


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