Puns! Puns! Puns!

[An_Jon]

I love crap jokes, wordplay and puns. Post your best (or worst) here if you would so we can all have a collective groan/chuckle. I'll start:

I have a fetish for making giant tennis equipment, but the neighbours always complain about the huge racket I'm making.

I once wrote a musical about puns that was performed entirely on a giant dictionary. It was a play on words.

Snooker puns are all about timing, and mine are always right on cue.

I once saw a giant number 5 crossing the road, I thought to myself "hmm, that's odd." I later saw a giant Pi symbol playing chicken across the road; "that's just irrational", I though to myself. Then I saw a giant square root of negative one crossing the road... "OK, this is just unreal now."

[Master.]

If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady...
That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

My Uncle is a professional Counterfeiter
He even has the certificates to prove it.

If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that.

These are all by Milton Jones.

[An_Jon]

I love Milton Jones! My favourite of his is:

My wife - it's difficult to say what she does: she sells seashells on the seashore

[revealingcyst]

How do you throw a party in space? You planet!

[SlaveBoy31]

How do eye balls tend to fight?
Then tend to lash out

[Kelthrai]

Communism jokes are best shared with everyone.

So, a group of men walk into a bar. They're dresse as oxygen, hydrogen, sulphur, sodium and phosphorus. The barman says "OH, SNaP!"

My late dad was a roofer, so dad, if you're up there… (a Milton Jones one).

A neutrino walks through a bar.

[An_Jon]

Originally Posted by Kelthrai

My late dad was a roofer, so dad, if you're up there… (a Milton Jones one).

That one's actually a Stewart Francis one :P

My parents were mixed race: my father preferred the 100 metres...and my mother was Pakistani (another of his )

[Kelthrai]

I didn't know, first time I heard it was from Milton Jones on Mock The Week.

Q: Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?
A: It went OK.

Q: Anyone know any jokes about sodium?
A: Na

Making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon

Q: What is the most important rule in chemistry?
A: Never lick the spoon!

Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."
Helium doesn't react.

Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"

Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."
The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.

Q: What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
A: HeHe

A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."
The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."

Money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.
The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.

As you may have guessed, I'm something of a science-nerd/geek/whatever you call us smart folks.

[Harper]

Whiteboards are remarkable.

[nalk]

The good little slave: "Hit me master! Whip me, paddle me. Punish me, please please please puniiiish meeee!"

Evil Master: "No!"

[Happy Me]

I know 2 bad jokes:
when I was a kid my dad had me tell everyone this one around Easter time:
Why does the Easter Bunny hide the eggs?

Spoiler:

He doesn't want anyone to know he's been messing around with the chicken.

What do you call a can of tuna on the dresser?

Spoiler:

Lesbian potpourri.

[DoingMyBest]

Once I've got this short film made, I'll post a link. It's full of puns.

[BrianJ]

A husband comes home and finds his wife packing and getting ready to leave. He asks her, "Hey, what's going on?" She says "Well I just found out that I can get paid $200 to give a blowjob, so I'm moving to Vegas." The husband immediately starts packing. When she asks why . . . he responds "I want to see how you live on $400 a year."

[Ryuzaki]

What do you call a lesbian that knows many languages?

A cunning linguist

[StrawDog]

So...um...When is a door not a door?


In a pride, it's the females that hunt; the rest are just lion around.

I was shocked once when a German Shepherd jumped over my fence, squatted, and messed on my lawn. Then his dog jumped over and did the same thing.