I will be updating my own list this week, so keep an eye out for it.

Go to a munch! Asslvr and I are going to attend one in the new year, but we did attend a play party last month and it was amazing to just be around other kinksters.

I am a big believer that there is always something new to learn or experience. I have a very extensive loves/likes and limits list, but I know there is still plenty more for me try. I suggest making a list of different kinks you want to try or experience. Add things like pushing the kinks that you already know you like. And then start to work through them.

Good luck with finding a new relationship and a new job. I know how hard it is to be unemployed, and to live with your parents, so I hope it goes quickly for you.

Looking forward to seeing more writing from you in the new year.

Thanks for sharing,
I want to phrase my comment different.
I don't think you did something wrong, but you probably did not do it right.
And actually, I think that is exactly what you wanted to express with this blog. You have changed your behavior and that is a good thing. This will not happen again to you.
I recognize what you say. I have been in a similar ( far less intensive) situation.
I appreciate you sharing this. It's brave. People can learn from it.

I echo the others. You didn't do anything wrong from my point of view. Your former sub might have forgotten to list that as a limit, but she could clearly state that she can't comply with your order.

And just like Butterfly and Jarro said, it looks like an unnecessary overreaction. She should have talked about it with you before such an abrupt termination of your relationship.

I wish you all the best and I hope you'll find a suitable sub soon.

I don't see what you did wrong either. Sure it was a limit, but it was a limit that was simply forgotten to bring up by both sides. And maybe she didn't even know it was a limit until you brought it up.

And this could always happen. But then she should have just safe-worded and discussed it with you. She shouldn't have gotten angry like the way she did. Sounds like a huge overreaction to me.

I honestly don't feel like you did anything wrong. Even if you had asked her to do something that was in the limits she had listed, when you are just starting, there is a learning curve. I understand it can be upsetting but she should have stayed and communicated! It is worse that it wasn't something that was discussed. New limits, undiscovered or undisclosed limits can pop up at anytime and both parties need to be ready to deal with them.

A safeword is a great tool but I don't know if it would have worked in this situation. I really feel as though her over reaction in evidence that something more was going on.

Don't beat yourself up. You did a great job moving forward and taking steps to do better next time, even if it wasn't your fault. That is a great quality in a dom.

You learned from it, that's the most important. It still sounds like she overreacted. Mistakes happen to all of us. And did you know, we fall around a thousand times in the process of learning to walk. So get rid of any guilt or shame. They won't help you anyway. Looking for how you can change for the next time is just the right action.

Wish you more luck next time

Congratulations on the job offer. Good luck in the application for your dream job.

Interesting journey and I'm looking forward to hearing more. Kink.com is one of my favorites.

I would be willing to read your new ad and give feedback.

You have pretty amazing timing with this blog!

I was just having a discussion with my Almost about what words to use to define our relationship. By my definition we're serious, as we've been doing D/s for 3 years now. But it's always weird for me especially because I'm pretty open with my vanilla friends. Explaining to them that a LDR primarily conducted on the internet with lots of cybersex and not even remotely headed toward a typical living together type relationship is what qualifies as serious for me.

And from a kink aspect, I don't think it's a lazy way to conduct a relationship to not constantly be keyed up and using high protocol address and conducting heavy scenes for every interaction. I've actually found that the only way to make this work for me is to do the opposite. When we started, we tried having rules and it started feeling more chore-like to me. Now our whole relationship operates at a pretty casual level and at this point the only rules we have are:

Complete honesty
Real life comes first

It makes it way easier for us to talk to each other like real people* and share things because we can slip easily between talking about our days or something that's worrying one of us to flirts and requests from me for toys and him asking if I have time to do something for him.

Keep on looking, I'm sure you'll find a sub who wants the same type of dynamic you do and will appreciate your dedication to making sure it fits for both of you!

*I'd like to clarify briefly that I'm only saying this is the relationship style that best suits my partner and I. I know there are plenty of couples who operate with strict protocols and such. I really do think one of the most beautiful parts of the community is the attention a caring couple puts into tailoring their relationship to suit their personalities and desires.

This blog makes me very happy. I identify very much with you, and I think you're on the right path. Your ability to self-search and arrive at this answer is astounding and a testament to your ability to take someone under your wing and, with the right connection, help them blossom (or simply tend to them) as a beautiful submissive human being.

I hope you find a sub who is looking for your kind of attention! This really made my day. Keep writing!!

Hi,
There is nothing wrong with being carefull. I know it can be frustrating. Finally you found some sub,... then she dumps you because you're too carefull.
But... 100x better then bypassing your standards and ending up discovering you have become abusive.

My advice: never go beyond what you feel comfortable with. this applies for doms, and certainly for subs.

A sub may "hornily want you to be more intense", but at the same time,... and especially when intense,... would want to trust that you withhold when it becomes too much.
Going intense in a safe way can only be done if you (as a dom) have a complete good feeling and understanding about that.

Some may be able to reach that state quickly, but personally i think it takes time to get there. My pet and myself play very intense, but it has taken a lot of time to get there. For each broadening of scope we talk long. It took 1 month of talking before we finally dared to do our last stepup in challenge.

The truth is, the amount of serious players (both doms and subs) is very small. It's just like in rl. Finding the right partner taks time, it takes a few month easily.

So,.. my advice,...
NEVER compromise on your standards!!
You will find the right lady. It just takes some time.

(read some blogs of myself or my pet if you want to have some insights in our dynamic)

Very good blog post. Indeed there is nothing un-serious about you. As a matter of fact: it seems to me you are actually more serious than a lot of wannabe doms here that talk about slave contracts and punishments right of the bat!

Yes, being intense or not has nothing to do with seriousness. It's just about the style of play.

I hope you have found, or will find, a sub who understands the difference.

I think this is wonderful! I am on the same page as you. Both as a domme and a sub, I want things to go slow and build up slowly. I am very serious when it comes to commitment and dedication to a relationship, but I am not intense.

I find that there are some people who like to start with a bang! They want intense play with full control right away. This can be fun, but I don't think it is sustainable over a longer period of time.

For me, I need to build up trust, get used to rules, see how things work and adjust as necessary. I deffinetly have my own opinions, thoughts and feelings, and I need time to figure those out and then express them.

Neither one of the above are the wrong way, or the right way, it is whatever works for you, and it is very good that you came to this realization so that you can let others know and not waste time on people who are looking for something different.

Good luck in your search!

Monkey cries every single time Penny dies in Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog Everything that happens after that is sad as hell.

I generally don't cry at movies, sometimes I get really moved though. Such a movie doesn't come to mind presently but if I think of one I'll mention it.

It's a fair complaint, but honestly if you someone that's the right fit for you and they feel the same way, you won't have to worry about whether you should or shouldn't contact them. Because if you will both reach out toward each other enough to sustain the relationship. It does feel frustrating to come across people who aren't willing to commit to being there like you are, but keep trying. Keep applying yourself and being honest in who you are and what you want. Eventually you will find someone who is looking for the same things you are and appreciates that you want a real relationship with active participation from both parties.

has to be Its a Wonderful Life for me, i know people call it Capra corn and it has it faults but from the minute you hear people praying for George Bailey right up to Clarence getting his wings i am an emotional wreck and its time to watch it again.

Watership down. The first film I saw in the cinema. Because my parents thought (along with many others) that a cartoon about cute fluffy bunny rabbits is perfect for small kids.

Tbh, the genocide and other violence wasn't too distressing, although the bits with the totalitarian rabbit state were a bit harrowing. But the bit that makes me cry is when Hazel dies at the end.

Great list. I add "The Piano", builds up right from the start, and peaks in when the daughter betrays her mother, and *chop* ...
Not to speak of the wonderful Michael Nyman soundtrack.

Thanks for sharing. Great topic.