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Caring So Damn Much!

Posted 06-10-2018 at 07:25 AM by Hammarling

Slowly worked on this entry for a little while now, trying to get the right words and the right tone and message across. I think i got there, although i'm sure in a day or two (or as soon as i press "post") that feeling will change... which is a wonderful lead into:

Caring So Damn Much!
As a Dom, i care so damn much! I want to be the best Dom possible and give my Sub the best experience possible.
It's not just BDSM where this is true, in most things i do i absolutely want to be as good as possible. I am a perfectionist.

This was something i didn't realise until a year or so ago. And this perfectionism often manifests in ways i don't like. At school i wanted to get A's, obviously. But if i wasn't getting A's i felt like crap. And if an essay wasn't going well i'd struggle to do it, because it wasn't as good as it should have been.
If i wasn't nailing something, i would feel bad and fail to follow through.

It happend for school work. For sports. And in the worst ways, for friends. If i wasn't being a good friend i'd feel bad and almost stop being a friend at all.

Healthy, right? Yep, this perfectionism is a massive cause of anxiety for me, and can cause anxiety attacks...

Perfectionism translates heavily into my kink world. If someone actually wants to be my Sub, i'm amazed and honored. But it does fire that bit of me which says "be the best". I want to make sure i'm doing things right and that everything is great.
But because this can trigger anxiety in me, often this will come off as nervousness, or inexperience, or a lack of confidence etc.

These are things Subs have said to me. "You're too nervous to be my Dom.", "You clearly don't know what you're doing if you keep asking questions.", "I can't Sub to you, you're not confident enough".

All of that is born out of a desire to be the best Dom possible. And it's because i care so damn much about my Sub, their wellbeing, and being as good a Dom as i can!

Luckily i've had two Sub's who started to change things.
The first we had a relationship for about 5 months. It fell apart, and my anxiety was part of that. It held me back from pushing forwards with ideas. Although it wasn't the sole reason things didn't work.
But that Sub really helped me in other ways. She showed me what i want as a Dom and how to better express myself. And she was just a brilliant friend who helped me get ontop of other aspects of my world.
The second has been a casual off-on relationship going back a year and a half. We'll chat every now and then, falling into periods of a week or two of intense Dom/Sub play. And because it's only ever been casual without pressure or labels i have massively enjoyed it.
It's also shown me that when i stop worrying about being the best, i am a lot more confident and controlled Dom.

Putting all this together.
I take being a Dom seriously. I will care massively for my Sub. Asking a Sub how she is doing is good. Asking a Sub if i am doing things right is not a bad thing. And ultimately, if i relax and trust my abilities i can be a really good Dom!
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    I find confidence sexy and it does go hand in hand with domination. However, I don't find asking questions or checking in with me a sign of weakness. I think that is a sign of strength. Some "doms" get into a mindset where they think they are a God and that they can do no wrong and they don't need to listen to anybody or ask any questions because they are THE Dom and blah blah blah ...

    I do understand getting into your own head. I think Doms need reassurance too. Especially in the beginning of a relationship. When you are learning about each other there is always a lot of negotiation and correction ... I start to think that I am a bad sub when I constantly have to say No this doesn't work because ... or that is a limit because ... but those things happen. Fumbling around is a part of learning about each other. So taking time to reassure each other might not seem very Domly and sexy, but it really does make the difference.

    Good luck with everything.
    Posted 06-10-2018 at 09:57 AM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Hammarling's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Butterfly View Comment
    I find confidence sexy and it does go hand in hand with domination. However, I don't find asking questions or checking in with me a sign of weakness. I think that is a sign of strength. Some "doms" get into a mindset where they think they are a God and that they can do no wrong and they don't need to listen to anybody or ask any questions because they are THE Dom and blah blah blah ...

    I do understand getting into your own head. I think Doms need reassurance too. Especially in the beginning of a relationship. When you are learning about each other there is always a lot of negotiation and correction ... I start to think that I am a bad sub when I constantly have to say No this doesn't work because ... or that is a limit because ... but those things happen. Fumbling around is a part of learning about each other. So taking time to reassure each other might not seem very Domly and sexy, but it really does make the difference.

    Good luck with everything.
    This is the thing, i've been the "God Dom" who can do no wrong. That was my attitude when first starting out, and it's shocking how quickly that leads to mistakes and issues!

    That feedback is important to me, especially in an online relationship. I can't always see someone to read their body language or hear
    their voice. Those are major clues to how someone is doing.

    And due to past mistakes i like to make sure my Sub is feeling comfortable and ok. After a while it doesn't need to be so constant as i learn someone.
    Eg. my on/off relationship has almost no check-ins to see how she's doing, because i've learnt her and know she'll speak up if something is not doable or good.
    Posted 06-10-2018 at 10:05 AM by Hammarling Hammarling is offline
  3. Old Comment
    MasterMichaelNY's Avatar
    Your trying to be too perfect, you need to rethink the relationship, I want you to think the relationship this way.

    You know the girl's Likes, dislikes, and limits. Now think this way. Your on a Motorcycle, your driving, and the girl is in the back. You have full control, she's on the bike for the ride. You control the speed, and the turning, and were your going, and the dam radio too. You know she likes rock, so you put on a rock radio station for her, that you both like. In her limits, she doesn't like getting wet. So you avoid puddles. If she gets uncomfortable, she can move around back there, and shift her ass. The bike might shake, but you have the wheel and straighten it out. But if you have no confident in your riding skills, your going to scare the crap out of her.

    Now how do you get confident? There is only one way, by doing it. If you try to fake it, the girl is going to know. So the best thing to do, is be truthful with the girl when you start a relationship. Tell her the truth, that she is number 3, and your experence with 1 and 2. So that way when something happens, she will be understanding.

    It just like riding skill, you have to do it. You can read all the books you want, or pretend that your zooming down the road, and leaning into a turn. But once you get on a bike, and do it, it's a whole different story.
    What I would recommend to boost your on-line dom confidence . Go out and do it live, as in the way of munchies, or taking classes, like rope works, or a whip class, and chat with other people, especially the subs, and slaves.

    Just keep in mind, the bike. Your in charge, she in for the ride. Got any questions, hit me up thru my PM.
    Posted 06-10-2018 at 11:27 PM by MasterMichaelNY MasterMichaelNY is offline
    Updated 06-10-2018 at 11:30 PM by MasterMichaelNY (spelling)
  4. Old Comment
    Hammarling's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by MasterMichaelNY View Comment
    Your trying to be too perfect, you need to rethink the relationship, I want you to think the relationship this way.
    I think i used almost these exact words myself. That yes i was trying too hard to be perfect. But that upon realising this i started working on myself and ways to avoid the same problem's in the future.

    Hence why i highlighted my two most recent relationships, where i started making these changes and there was a noteable improvement in the relationship and in myself.
    And it's very similar to your analogy. I put more faith in my experiences and ability to Dom, and it was better. This was more of a retrospective look at a past problem, than commenting on where i am currently.
    Posted 06-11-2018 at 12:29 AM by Hammarling Hammarling is offline
  5. Old Comment
    MasterMichaelNY's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hammarling View Comment
    I think i used almost these exact words myself. That yes i was trying too hard to be perfect. But that upon realising this i started working on myself and ways to avoid the same problem's in the future.

    Hence why i highlighted my two most recent relationships, where i started making these changes and there was a noteable improvement in the relationship and in myself.
    And it's very similar to your analogy. I put more faith in my experiences and ability to Dom, and it was better. This was more of a retrospective look at a past problem, than commenting on where i am currently.
    Cool, sorry I must be tried. I always try to help out my fellow brothers, if they need help. My mistake.
    Posted 06-11-2018 at 01:12 AM by MasterMichaelNY MasterMichaelNY is offline
  6. Old Comment
    Yasna's Avatar
    You say your post was a "retrospective look at a past problem"; therefore my comment might not be relevant for you any longer. I felt uneasy while reading your post because you seemed to use "caring" equivalent to "insecure". The same behaviour – e.g. checking in on somebody, asking for feedback, negotiating carefully – can be motivated by either caring or insecurity (or a mixture of both). Consequently, the same behaviour can be perceived as caring (and competent) or insecure and as attractive in a dom or not. After reading your last lines I assume you agree. I'm just writing this to make sure that you and, for that matter, everybody else who reads it, doesn't think he has to stop or reduce caring to come across as confident. On the contrary, I think caring is a very attractive quality in a dom (as is confidence).
    Posted 06-11-2018 at 02:12 AM by Yasna Yasna is offline
  7. Old Comment
    Hammarling's Avatar
    @MasterMochaelNY - It's not a problem. Perhaps the blog doesn't read as i hoped it would. But i may well come and ask a few questions as the offer has been made

    @Yasna - Good way to make clear some difference between the two. Yes i do agree with you, so it's nice to see i got the right meanings across in the end.
    Posted 06-11-2018 at 05:21 AM by Hammarling Hammarling is offline
 

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