Butterfly, you are one of the most warm, thoughtful, caring and playful people I know. You always look out for me and reach out if there is something you feel I should be aware of.

Thankfully I have never had to experience the cognitive dissonance one must feel when needing to do something so painful while battling not to do it for those around them. I can only imagine it must be a truly frightening, lonely and harrowing place to be.

Your ability to face into such demons and find the strength to share them with us, your friends... and also complete strangers despite the shame you undeservedly feel demonstrates your courage and bravery for what I know must feel like a never ending journey.

And that's what this is. It's a journey. It's not the easiest one of course... there's no first class, no silver service, no handsome cabin officer to serve you wine and feed you grapes, although I am confident applications are welcome
Sometimes you will have to force yourself not to undo your seat belt, however every day that passes where you do make it a little further you must celebrate and not focus on the few days you fall out of the seat. Lean on those around you as best you can and allow them to pick you up and strap you back in. They will not judge you for falling out of your seat.

You are a truly amazing human, with so much love and joy to give. Do not feel shame. Scars and wounds are simply a physical journal entry of the journey you have had to undertake through no fault of your own. Adding a new one here and there whilst may make you feel terrible after the event should serve as a reminder of your journey and how far you have come that you are not doing this daily and weekly.

You are only human. You have flaws, although not many, and this is most definitely not one of them. Chin up lovely Butterfly x

*socially acceptable gesture of support and solidarity*

Your self awareness and fortitude shine through here. As people have already said, and no doubt you know, the Thing says stuff: the Thing lies.

All power to you!

Connie

No need to be ashamed Miss. We all do things we regret sometimes. We all have our ways of coping with bad things that happen in our lives. Those ways may not be ideal, but we are only human. We can make mistakes.

You are my best friend Miss and I'm always here for you if you need to talk. You are so strong and couragous to openly talk about this. Talking helps. You are awesome!

Best of luck. I am sure there is a path to peace for you.

I've never had these urges myself - but have spoken to a lot of people that do.
It's a very irrational feeling, and a truly tough emotion to deal with.

You are super strong by sharing this, and being so openminded. It will help others very much, and may also help yourself by structuring your thoughts.

What I loved reading most, is that you have people you trust and align this with! Big respect for them also of course. And for you, to keep these people close and allow them to help and guide you a bit.

Take care, the coming period will not be easy - but you'll be great!

You are awesome, Butterfly. Who can be so courageous to openly admit about havong slipped. No shame or guilt is justified on that. You are all good.

I am very proud of you for looking for and trying as hard as you can with better ways to feel and release that pressure. Apparently, on that day, you had the hardest time to succeed. In my eyes, you succeeded the best you could.

"I am letting people down." Is that what people are telling you? Nah. That thought is just another part of the Thing.

Hey, we're far enough from each other, so we can hug! Um, oh, wait a minute... Ok, so I'm going make a grand gesture of support: I'm going raise a Fist of Solidarity for you. Here, alone, in front of the computer screen, right now:

There!

Brave Buttyfly! You rock!

This analysis is a delight to read. Honestly, I love reading entries that show just how much depth and tailoring goes into each relationship.

I think we misunderstood Jaro. He probably wanted to set the goal of owning a set of glitter-mixed lipstick of different colors. I am pretty sure he deserves some touching time after applying such a glitter lipstick heavily on his little worm.

We are much more different than I thought we were.

What a lovely blog Miss!

And I should definitely add a glitter free life to my goals too! Thank you for reminding me of that.

Many thanks for all the inside, Butterfly. I think this is a great example for everyone to see how much needs to go into a relationship compared to a casual play, and how much you get out of it in return.

Excellent point! Many thanks for rolling out the arguments.

I'd like to add that I had some play relationships where the life-partner of my play-partner didn't know BUT in any of those in which my play-partner confessed to their life-partner, it was great. Sometimes it meant the life-partner got involved as well in the play, slowly learning and getting support for trying it out if curious and interested, or the relationship came back on an honest path including sexuality. Short message: it's totally worth sharing with your life-partner, or at least get them aligned with what you do to fulfill your needs.

If you don't have such a good life-partnerships that you can't tell or show your life-partner, go DEAL with it! Can be talking, might be breaking up, but don't sustain a relationship without honesty, for both of your sake.

This is such an excellent point! Trust and honesty are crucial for a good relationship and even though you may think that not having sex means you aren't cheating, BDSM relationships are so intense, there is a whole lot more baring your soul to another person.

As a sub, I think we don't always appreciate how much more a Dom needs aftercare. They pushed you and need to know they are okay, and still loved and that they haven't pushed you too far. I somehow think the aftercare is more a Dom's scene and their time to be loved and cuddled and cared for then a subs... (Though I do still love it a lot and need it too). Being suddenly interrupted because you aren't sub enough to do the right thing... Hell.

I like it because it gives me a sense of belonging. Like yes, someone cares enough to want me to be theirs; whether that's a part of their life, being a good friend or just knowing I am wanted... It feels awesome to be called "My kitten" or "This is Lyra, my best friend" even things that are normally degrading then turn into something special and personal.

I think there is something to this...

MY nemesis - Yeah that feels great and like it fits

It does feel a little weird to call you mine because YOU own me.
But you are certainly MY best friend MY evil Miss Butterfly!!!

I totally get what you mean! I love it too!

In most forms, even MY bestie ♡ x

Wow! So honest and open in sharing. You have my highest respect, Butterfly.

Also, good call to ask for the time you needed, and very good in taking any time you need to completed get it straightened with your partner. By both of you.

I have struggled with jealousy within D/s relationship's in the past. It stemmed from when a sub of mine was doing things behind my back. I am now super paranoid and I know I can be over-cautious. I am still working through this and try and take time as you did to collect my thoughts and process them before addressing them with my Partner. It doesn't always come out as intended when I do eventually have "the conversation". I guess I can come across as a little confrontational or accusational all while trying my best not to be.

I think with something like a tattoo it is permanent. It's not going to go anywhere without some serious money thrown at it and the symbolism of a permanent reminder in this way would also cause me to feel a little rejected, replaced, less loved. So I don't think your initial thought and feelings were unwarranted.

What I am learning is something you spoke about... communication. I have fantasies of including others within a dynamic and of course I wish to live these out at some point. I'm sure my partner will want similar. So long as I feel I am putting her feelings ahead of my need for the fantasy to happen and she does the same and communicates, keeps me informed and includes me in it, I know I can handle it. I think my fear, as may be with you, is what these emotions are your partner is feeling and how deep do they go. Talking about it and being open with each other has to be in place along with a shit load of trust on both parts. Trust in your partner that they are telling you the full extent of their emotional attachment to their play partner and their trust in you that when you say you're okay with something that you really are.

The priority always has to be your principle partner and their feelings otherwise it could become very messy, uncomfortable and unmanageable very quickly. Openesss, honesty and willing to sacrifice and compromise on both parts are key.

Thank you for sharing your recent experience and for being such an open book which creates thought provoking debate within the community

Very well written post!

I have a question (forgive me if this is a stupid question). I have never heard the term "funishment" before. Is it like the opposite of a punishment, or what would you describe it as?

I am not a brat but I do understand the apeal of it.
I did try calling you some names in the past. That part is fun!