A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
I slipped ...
Posted 04-23-2020 at 10:03 PM by Butterfly
**Trigger warning: Self harm**
Growing up, my coping mechanism was self harm. This took on many different forms over the years but the how isn't important. The why on the other hand deserves a bit more thought.
People self harm for a lot of different reasons, and for me that was also true.
Sometimes I would self harm in places where people would see. I would do this to get the attention that I craved so much. You see, emotional abuse has no physical markers. People can see a broken bone, but its harder to spot a broken soul. Doing this was rare. When I did get attention, it didn't fill the void the way I had hoped.
But I realized that it could serve another purpose. It could make me feel. When you get hit, it hurts, but if you continue to hit, you stop feeling. The same happens (at least to me) when you are verbally attacked and put down over and over and over. You stop feeling.
But hurting myself physically allowed me to feel pain in a way that opened up the pressure valve inside me. As the physical pain took over, and eventually became numb, my emotions were able to take over. I could cry. I could feel. And those seconds, minutes, sometimes even hours after that release, I felt a sense of goodness. I wouldn't call it happiness, more like a warmth that washed over me and replaced all the negative feelings. The adrenaline and endorphins were addicting.
And so self harm became my coping mechanism.
Thankfully over the years, I was able to replace that coping mechanism with healthier ways of coping. However, the urges, they never really go away. It is a constant battle, similar to that of an addict. The urge is always there, it just gets easier to talk yourself out of it over time.
Fast forward to this week ...
It has been a tough week. For a few reasons, none of which are important and all of which are too personal to share here (I know, that's odd of me to say). Everything came to a head on Tuesday evening. Event of which caused me to get so upset that I couldn't even speak to Mr. D who is by far my biggest supporter. But I had no words, and too many emotions and so I ran away to collect myself.
The entire time I was gone, my thoughts were about different ways that I could self harm. Going through a list of things in my car, or places that I could go to get what I needed. The logistics of where on my body I could do it, and how it would feel. But I didn't. I was strong. I went to see my Bestie and was able to her (while keeping a respectable social distance). Leaving her house without being able to hug her was SO FREAKING HARD. But I did it.
When I returned home a few hours later, things were still unresolved, and I was numb. I stayed up or hours, trying to distract myself. Sometimes even being successful (with the help of a few wonderful people). Four times I had a knife in my hand, ready to go sit on the bathroom floor. Four times I returned that knife to the drawer.
I had told Jaro about my urges. He was wonderful. He drew a butterfly on himself for me in support. That should have been enough ...
In bed, I continued to chat on my phone, play games, but my mind kept going back to that place. Slowly those who were distracting me, went to bed. And there I was left alone with my thoughts. I wanted that knife. I wanted to feel it on my skin. I wanted to feel the release.
5:00 am ... my body is almost vibrating with the need to take action. I can feel my hand on my thigh, rubbing at first, over and over. I stop it I try to sit still. I try to quiet my mind. I start trying to flip through different images in my head, trying to find the one that will make things feel better. The distraction worked because I didn't even realize that the rubbing had turned to scratching, and there, on my hands, under my nails, was blood. I had broken skin.
I stopped immediately. When I reached down and touched my leg, I could feel the burning, the throbbing and I cried. For a second it felt absolutely freaking glorious. And then instead of waves of warmth and endorphins, waves of shame overcame me. I was no longer crying as a release, but was instead crying out of disgust.
I must have cried myself to sleep because I woke up hours later and had to face the music.
I won't hide my flaws. No matter how ashamed I am, I won't hide my wounds. And so I had to share with the important people. This part hurts. Knowing that I am letting people down. People who root for me.
I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who love me SO much. Who accept me, flaws and all. Who don't judge me or hate me because I struggle with mental illness. People who are so good to me that I can't possibly deserve them in my life ... but don't you dare try to take them away from me because I will fight you tooth and nail to keep them.
And so I slipped. I slipped but life moves on. The urges will be stronger for awhile, especially as I deal with the remnants of the events that happened this week, but over time they will start to get easier again. I will get stronger.
Growing up, my coping mechanism was self harm. This took on many different forms over the years but the how isn't important. The why on the other hand deserves a bit more thought.
People self harm for a lot of different reasons, and for me that was also true.
Sometimes I would self harm in places where people would see. I would do this to get the attention that I craved so much. You see, emotional abuse has no physical markers. People can see a broken bone, but its harder to spot a broken soul. Doing this was rare. When I did get attention, it didn't fill the void the way I had hoped.
But I realized that it could serve another purpose. It could make me feel. When you get hit, it hurts, but if you continue to hit, you stop feeling. The same happens (at least to me) when you are verbally attacked and put down over and over and over. You stop feeling.
But hurting myself physically allowed me to feel pain in a way that opened up the pressure valve inside me. As the physical pain took over, and eventually became numb, my emotions were able to take over. I could cry. I could feel. And those seconds, minutes, sometimes even hours after that release, I felt a sense of goodness. I wouldn't call it happiness, more like a warmth that washed over me and replaced all the negative feelings. The adrenaline and endorphins were addicting.
And so self harm became my coping mechanism.
Thankfully over the years, I was able to replace that coping mechanism with healthier ways of coping. However, the urges, they never really go away. It is a constant battle, similar to that of an addict. The urge is always there, it just gets easier to talk yourself out of it over time.
Fast forward to this week ...
It has been a tough week. For a few reasons, none of which are important and all of which are too personal to share here (I know, that's odd of me to say). Everything came to a head on Tuesday evening. Event of which caused me to get so upset that I couldn't even speak to Mr. D who is by far my biggest supporter. But I had no words, and too many emotions and so I ran away to collect myself.
The entire time I was gone, my thoughts were about different ways that I could self harm. Going through a list of things in my car, or places that I could go to get what I needed. The logistics of where on my body I could do it, and how it would feel. But I didn't. I was strong. I went to see my Bestie and was able to her (while keeping a respectable social distance). Leaving her house without being able to hug her was SO FREAKING HARD. But I did it.
When I returned home a few hours later, things were still unresolved, and I was numb. I stayed up or hours, trying to distract myself. Sometimes even being successful (with the help of a few wonderful people). Four times I had a knife in my hand, ready to go sit on the bathroom floor. Four times I returned that knife to the drawer.
I had told Jaro about my urges. He was wonderful. He drew a butterfly on himself for me in support. That should have been enough ...
In bed, I continued to chat on my phone, play games, but my mind kept going back to that place. Slowly those who were distracting me, went to bed. And there I was left alone with my thoughts. I wanted that knife. I wanted to feel it on my skin. I wanted to feel the release.
5:00 am ... my body is almost vibrating with the need to take action. I can feel my hand on my thigh, rubbing at first, over and over. I stop it I try to sit still. I try to quiet my mind. I start trying to flip through different images in my head, trying to find the one that will make things feel better. The distraction worked because I didn't even realize that the rubbing had turned to scratching, and there, on my hands, under my nails, was blood. I had broken skin.
I stopped immediately. When I reached down and touched my leg, I could feel the burning, the throbbing and I cried. For a second it felt absolutely freaking glorious. And then instead of waves of warmth and endorphins, waves of shame overcame me. I was no longer crying as a release, but was instead crying out of disgust.
I must have cried myself to sleep because I woke up hours later and had to face the music.
I won't hide my flaws. No matter how ashamed I am, I won't hide my wounds. And so I had to share with the important people. This part hurts. Knowing that I am letting people down. People who root for me.
I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who love me SO much. Who accept me, flaws and all. Who don't judge me or hate me because I struggle with mental illness. People who are so good to me that I can't possibly deserve them in my life ... but don't you dare try to take them away from me because I will fight you tooth and nail to keep them.
And so I slipped. I slipped but life moves on. The urges will be stronger for awhile, especially as I deal with the remnants of the events that happened this week, but over time they will start to get easier again. I will get stronger.
Total Comments 10
Comments
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"I am letting people down." Is that what people are telling you? Nah. That thought is just another part of the Thing.
Hey, we're far enough from each other, so we can hug! Um, oh, wait a minute... Ok, so I'm going make a grand gesture of support: I'm going raise a Fist of Solidarity for you. Here, alone, in front of the computer screen, right now:
There!
Brave Buttyfly! You rock!Posted 04-23-2020 at 11:19 PM by Cstelle 
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No matter what other people, or the little voice in your head, tells you, always remember that you are *awesome* and we love you tonnes!
Sending you lots of love and (socially responsible) hugs from across the pond!Posted 04-24-2020 at 12:49 AM by owlart
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You are awesome, Butterfly. Who can be so courageous to openly admit about havong slipped. No shame or guilt is justified on that. You are all good.
I am very proud of you for looking for and trying as hard as you can with better ways to feel and release that pressure. Apparently, on that day, you had the hardest time to succeed. In my eyes, you succeeded the best you could.Posted 04-24-2020 at 01:21 AM by CSasha
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I've never had these urges myself - but have spoken to a lot of people that do.
It's a very irrational feeling, and a truly tough emotion to deal with.
You are super strong by sharing this, and being so openminded. It will help others very much, and may also help yourself by structuring your thoughts.
What I loved reading most, is that you have people you trust and align this with! Big respect for them also of course. And for you, to keep these people close and allow them to help and guide you a bit.
Take care, the coming period will not be easy - but you'll be great!Posted 04-24-2020 at 03:30 AM by deschut
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Best of luck. I am sure there is a path to peace for you.Posted 04-24-2020 at 05:52 AM by zephyrnem
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No need to be ashamed Miss. We all do things we regret sometimes. We all have our ways of coping with bad things that happen in our lives. Those ways may not be ideal, but we are only human. We can make mistakes.
You are my best friend Miss and I'm always here for you if you need to talk. You are so strong and couragous to openly talk about this. Talking helps. You are awesome!Posted 04-24-2020 at 06:32 AM by Jaro
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*socially acceptable gesture of support and solidarity*
Your self awareness and fortitude shine through here. As people have already said, and no doubt you know, the Thing says stuff: the Thing lies.
All power to you!
ConniePosted 04-24-2020 at 05:56 PM by Consensus
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Butterfly, you are one of the most warm, thoughtful, caring and playful people I know. You always look out for me and reach out if there is something you feel I should be aware of.
Thankfully I have never had to experience the cognitive dissonance one must feel when needing to do something so painful while battling not to do it for those around them. I can only imagine it must be a truly frightening, lonely and harrowing place to be.
Your ability to face into such demons and find the strength to share them with us, your friends... and also complete strangers despite the shame you undeservedly feel demonstrates your courage and bravery for what I know must feel like a never ending journey.
And that's what this is. It's a journey. It's not the easiest one of course... there's no first class, no silver service, no handsome cabin officer to serve you wine and feed you grapes, although I am confident applications are welcome
Sometimes you will have to force yourself not to undo your seat belt, however every day that passes where you do make it a little further you must celebrate and not focus on the few days you fall out of the seat. Lean on those around you as best you can and allow them to pick you up and strap you back in. They will not judge you for falling out of your seat.
You are a truly amazing human, with so much love and joy to give. Do not feel shame. Scars and wounds are simply a physical journal entry of the journey you have had to undertake through no fault of your own. Adding a new one here and there whilst may make you feel terrible after the event should serve as a reminder of your journey and how far you have come that you are not doing this daily and weekly.
You are only human. You have flaws, although not many, and this is most definitely not one of them. Chin up lovely Butterfly xPosted 04-24-2020 at 11:59 PM by DeepInnerFreak
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You are strong but in my opinion social distancing is never worth it if it is something you desperately need. If going to your bestie and having that embrace which is so powerful, is what you need most in life. Well then go for it! Hug her or him with all your might, let it all spill out, shed some tears, ask for help, help them if they are the ones that need it, be there for them if thats what they need, it is a difficult time for more than one reason.... There is more to it than just stopping the spread of the virus. You need to be there for each other, everyone has their own demons and each ones are different. Don't you forget that you have so many people on this site and around the world that are cheering you on!!! You are the first person on this site that gave me a chance and I got to know you so well and I will never forget it. You are the boss, as I would say it. (American slang hehe) Love you!Posted 04-25-2020 at 07:12 PM by Dman1212
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Slipping happens. I think most people who self harmed has slipped at least once. (I have slipped so don't feel like you are the only one.)
I didn't read this blog right away as I kinda felt it would push me to slip. Sometimes you work and work not to and still do.
As you said you will get stronger. You were strong enough to post this. Very brave too.Posted 04-27-2020 at 03:09 PM by LitDarkness
