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Re: What's a good domme/dom?

Posted 12-23-2017 at 07:45 AM by Cassandra
Updated 12-23-2017 at 08:13 AM by Cassandra

Disclaimer: This is no request for PMs or visitor messages by slaves desperately looking for a dominant. I am nevertheless aware that I attract those with any blog post and action, especially with such a topic as this.

So alias wrote about his opinion on what makes a good dominant and inspired me to do the same here.


1. Responsible and reasonable. We are all too eager, emotional and aroused to take up tasks and p/funishments and get off. That's alright. But the subs and slaves are the ones who are primarily (or solely?) harmed physically, emotionally and socially, up to the point of being accidently exposed, traumatised or even killed. Let's not forget here about the potential emotional damage to the dominant and the required after-care to care for that. Also, subs and slaves should also be self-caring, responsible and reasonable with their response. But the dominant ones are the last door-stopper against disaster. If they demand impossible or ruining tasks or enforce harmful rules, it's a way better start. That may be continued by rejecting unreasonable requests for destructive ones by their submissives. A good dominant thinks forward to avoid breaking real limits of all kinds, including unspoken, unwritten, unexplored, and unconscious ones.


2. Attentive. Every person is different, also in what they can take and what not, which tasks and rules are more difficult, which are too easy, and what they crave and need. To decide what you give to them, you have to carefully listen and observe. Of course, you can fail, but at least always give it a good try. Good dominants listen, which means they change their mind and hearts by what is express by others. This includes thankfulness, respect and appreciation of the dominants own doings and service. Don't ignore honest compliments.


3. Communicative. Many submissives are less communicative. Most often you can't read their minds, and often enough they don't know themselves and what they want. But make them talk. Ask them, and command them to give you more communication.
Express your appreciation for their service. That's the fuel and happiness they do it for. Express the pleasure they cause to you by following your lead and orders, obeying your rules. Express your own thoughts and feelings. Care about them. Ask them how they are, how they feel and what they think, and listen! A good dominant tries to communicate precisely, prioritized and plentyful.


4. Self-caring, including having fun with their subs and slaves themselves. You are the first dancer (as a dominant as well as a submissive). You can not dominate if you can't stand yourself. As a dominant, you have needs, too. Care for them, before you spoil the play. Use the safeword when needed for yourself. Take a time out and restore your energy. Get yourself what you need to recover, renergize and be motivated and able to be a good dominant. Take are that you get a good share of fun. Demand your kinks and likes to be serviced as well as your submissives. Stop the play if it doesn't work out for both of you. Don't let yourself get wasted or bored. Good dominants respect their health and take time-outs whenever and how long they need.


5. Balanced between too soft and too harsh. Don't always say "yes". Neither say always "no". Adjust your answer to the situation and scene. It's different with every person. Delay any reward and punishment that doesn't now, but come back to it later. Be persistent. Be strict but fair. Be comprehensive and make them comprehend. If they don't know better, axe somebody (figuretively). A good dominant knows how to push the submissive's buttons without cornering them.


6. Existent and active. Everybody fails every now and then. Don't let yourself hinder by high expectations via others or yourself. Don't let mistakes prevent you from trying again. Good dominants dominate. And there's a whole world filled with submissives in need of them.
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Total Comments 6

Comments

  1. Old Comment
    nina@'s Avatar
    Great blog Cass! I totally agree with all your points. A must read for new Doms/Dommes!
    Posted 12-23-2017 at 09:52 AM by [email protected] nina@ is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Cassandra's Avatar
    Many thanks, nina.
    Posted 12-23-2017 at 09:55 AM by Cassandra Cassandra is offline
  3. Old Comment
    PrincessJessica's Avatar
    As an inexperienced and new-ish dom (switch) this is really useful. The thing I've struggled with most (that I didn't expect to struggle with) has been the communication side. I often get short, one sentence replies (even more so in live cam play) that both leave me unfulfilled but also guessing whether they're enjoying it.

    I'd largely put the blame on the submissives but I probably could do more on my end to encourage them to communicate better. Nice blog that I'll probably refer to again along my dom journey.
    Posted 12-23-2017 at 05:22 PM by PrincessJessica PrincessJessica is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Cassandra's Avatar
    Many thanks. I am happy to see it helps to think over it. Don't give up. We all started inexperienced. Everybody trying it is a great contribution. Plus, it also improves the ability to be a good sub.
    Posted 12-23-2017 at 05:53 PM by Cassandra Cassandra is offline
  5. Old Comment
    sir sam's Avatar
    @cassandra: great blog!

    For nr1 i want to add: in my experience subs often over-ask, often express a desire for bigger things than they can handle. Don’t be fooled by that. The horny thought of some extreme thing is completely different than actually doing it. Built things slowly. Eventually one may reach the level as first expressed, or one may not in which case one most likely learned to enjoy the unexpected intensity of the milder variant.

    @maleforyou, communication is more likely to happen before and after. During a scene a sub is probably too emotionally with the scene to do a whole lot of explaining. At a first encounter I would advice to just start with some “not too extreme thing”. Directly starting to talk is probably a bit too distracting. Quickly after that one can start talking. In my experience most people like to talk. To some extend it is probably relieving for the sub to experience that the invisible online dominant for which they did some intimate thing is actually a human being that has feelings.

    Blaming the submissives is never good in my view. The fun of domming is NOT to blame but to act & interact. A sub wants to be corrected, not blamed.


    Quote:
    Originally Posted by maleforyou View Comment
    As an inexperienced and new-ish dom (switch) this is really useful. The thing I've struggled with most (that I didn't expect to struggle with) has been the communication side. I often get short, one sentence replies (even more so in live cam play) that both leave me unfulfilled but also guessing whether they're enjoying it.

    I'd largely put the blame on the submissives but I probably could do more on my end to encourage them to communicate better. Nice blog that I'll probably refer to again along my dom journey.
    Posted 12-24-2017 at 12:21 AM by sir sam sir sam is offline
  6. Old Comment
    SoloM35's Avatar
    Thank you, Ma'am, for this great entry.
    Posted 12-28-2017 at 10:49 AM by SoloM35 SoloM35 is offline
 

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