An exit out of a bad M/s relationship

Dutch · 05-17-2010, 02:26 PM

An exit out of a bad M/s relationship

The last topic I wrote was about the M/s relationship and how I think it is supposed to be based on mutual trust rather than fear: http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=47330

But suppose you’re a sub in a bad relationship, it can be incredibly hard to muster the courage to end it. So what do you do?

First of all, if a Master is right for you is YOUR decision, not anyone else’s.

If you are with the wrong Master for you, you have to realize it was NOT your fault that you got into this situation. That’s very important to realize. Do not blame yourself.
This often leads you feeling scared and very much trapped and alone. sound about right for you? Well you aren’t alone. This site is full of people who will do all they can to help if you ask them to. More on that later.

Right now, you probably feel degraded due to the treatment of your Master. It’s difficult to grasp now, but you are just as valuable a person as the next guy. Don’t trick yourself into thinking you are any less than anyone.
You have most likely also done things that you would never ever have done otherwise (broken limits). Don’t worry about that for now. Try to focus on the good things in life, on the friends and family around you. There are most likely great friends on getdare as well. Try to tell some people what happened to you, however vague you may feel you have to be. Sharing these kinds of feelings helps a great deal.

What your mind has done over the past time is build barriers to protect you. These barriers can manifest themselves in different ways, for example by blocked emotions. In time you will be able to break these barriers again which will be a difficult time, but it’s also required. At those times its important to have your friends and loved ones close to you.
Perhaps the most difficult thing for you to do is to trust yourself again – after all you got into this mess because of a single wrong decision right? Please realize that you have your friends to help you. The worst that could happen is for them to help you.

The relationship you had was based on fear, and chances are that you are still very afraid of your Master. Try not to be, because you will end up fearing your fear and making it into a much bigger “monster” than it needs to be.
Look straight at your fear and realize that what you are fearing is in fact not as bad as you think. In the end, the worst that could happen is you running back to him. And then all it takes is one of your friends to help you. Therefore, you have nothing to fear.

It is a long way to go now, and it will be rough sometimes. But if you realize you have nothing to fear, and have your friends near you, I’m sure you will get through it. Also, here is a list with links to profiles of people that will do anything they can when you ask them via PM.

Anjelen
Chloe
Dutch
Leo
Merlin
Star Shadows
Sweetsong

Ch3rry B0mb · 05-17-2010, 02:35 PM

I wish I had found this site three years ago. Heh, I stayed in a bad M/s relationship for two years because I didn't know any better and I -still- have...lasting effects.

Anyway, thank you for posting this.

<3
Cherry

Dutch · 05-17-2010, 02:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ch3rry B0mb

I wish I had found this site three years ago. Heh, I stayed in a bad M/s relationship for two years because I didn't know any better and I -still- have...lasting effects.

Anyway, thank you for posting this.

<3
Cherry

Stories like that break my heart and are the reason for writing these threads, even though they are quite difficult to write. I wish a thread like this has been around years ago, but it wasnt.
I hope it will help lots of people now.

Also special thank you to Collared_Slave and Star_Shadows for helping me write the thread. I forgot to mention that.

Anjelen · 05-17-2010, 02:48 PM

This thread should be stickied. Immediately. Well done, Dutch!

Midnight · 05-17-2010, 03:08 PM

Can we just have any thread posted by Dutch stickified?

I mean, they're brilliant and everybody needs to read them.

CollaredBlondie · 05-17-2010, 03:10 PM

This is brilliant, I don't think this particular subject is mentioned that often and it's certainly an important one.

SubMissChievous · 05-17-2010, 07:47 PM

Another excellent post Dutch! And, yes, I've already added to Threads of Notes

There,s not a whole lot for me to add since I agree with all here only adding a couple little things

You are right that when things don't feel right in a relationship it can be very hard not only to find the courage to end it but even looking at what's going on in a completely rational way. And too often we tend to blame ourselves or feel guilty about it.

Of course a relationship gone wrong especially if it involves abuse is the worst case scenario. Sometimes other things can happen that can make yourself feel alone, confused or helpless. For example, your partner has «vanished» without reasons or dumped you... even ending a relationship on relatively good terms can be tough to oevercome. That's why I so often insist on how helpful it is to network and make friends, etc. And in the case of the end of a relationship, especially if anything bad happened, you may probably not want to isolate yourself. Of course, some «me time» is not a bad idea but you also want to have a few people that you know you can reach if you need it.

Writing, journaling can also be a great way to let go emotions and built up frustrations. Especially if one is afraid of telling anyone what happened to them as you have the safety of it being anonymous and just for yourself.

Aside from that I guess one's best ally is time. As the old adage says, time heals all wounds. Sometimes it takes more time than others and, yes, there may be some scars left that never completely disappears.

I wish I could have a lot of better advices and, yeah, I too have been in a really bad abusive relationship in the past... Unfortunately, this seem to happen more frequently than it should... Best way I found was to use these experiences to acquire more knowledge. Both about this kind of relationships and about myself and what I wanted out of them.

So don't be afraid to reach out and talk with people, ask for advice or just vent

And pamper yourself and take your time, especially before entering another relationship.

Leopard · 05-17-2010, 11:36 PM

Why am I a Leo?

But yes, I'm sure everyone listed there is happy to help, I've helped a few people in the past and submissives being stuck in bad relationships is something I really want to help with more.

Great post!

Dutch · 05-18-2010, 05:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leopard

Why am I a Leo?

But yes, I'm sure everyone listed there is happy to help, I've helped a few people in the past and submissives being stuck in bad relationships is something I really want to help with more.

Great post!

You're a Leo because you are too awesome to be Leopard.
And you helping people is what made you a role model for me

Leopard · 05-18-2010, 05:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dutch

You're a Leo because you are too awesome to be Leopard.
And you helping people is what made you a role model for me

I'm flattered!

Star Shadows · 05-18-2010, 09:25 AM

I have experienced the not so nice side of this and I have felt the consequenses first hand and I have to say just a few things....

For me one of the single most important things that helped me was my friends, especially the ones on here. There are three people who know everything about what happened for one reason or another and I know that if I ever find myself dragged back into a dark scary place they will be there to help me. Make sure you have friends who can help you.

Quote:

Right now, you probably feel degraded due to the treatment of your Master. It’s difficult to grasp now, but you are just as valuable a person as the next guy. Don’t trick yourself into thinking you are any less than anyone.
You have most likely also done things that you would never ever have done otherwise (broken limits). Don’t worry about that for now. Try to focus on the good things in life, on the friends and family around you. There are most likely great friends on getdare as well. Try to tell some people what happened to you, however vague you may feel you have to be. Sharing these kinds of feelings helps a great deal.

What your mind has done over the past time is build barriers to protect you. These barriers can manifest themselves in different ways, for example by blocked emotions. In time you will be able to break these barriers again which will be a difficult time, but it’s also required. At those times its important to have your friends and loved ones close to you.
Perhaps the most difficult thing for you to do is to trust yourself again – after all you got into this mess because of a single wrong decision right? Please realize that you have your friends to help you. The worst that could happen is for them to help you.

Braking fown the barriers you have made in your mind is one of the hardest things that you will face as you try to come through this. It will take time, and it really takes a lot of work to do. Especially when a big part of trusting yourself to let your guard down and let people back in to help you. Everyone is human and makes mistakes at some time or another in their lives it doesnt mean it is your fault.

I am glad someone finaly posted a thread to draw attention to the damage that can be done.

05-17-2010, 02:26 PM	#1
Dutch getDare Sweetheart Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Somewhere below the sea Posts: 255	An exit out of a bad M/s relationship An exit out of a bad M/s relationship The last topic I wrote was about the M/s relationship and how I think it is supposed to be based on mutual trust rather than fear: http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=47330 But suppose you’re a sub in a bad relationship, it can be incredibly hard to muster the courage to end it. So what do you do? First of all, if a Master is right for you is YOUR decision, not anyone else’s. If you are with the wrong Master for you, you have to realize it was NOT your fault that you got into this situation. That’s very important to realize. Do not blame yourself. This often leads you feeling scared and very much trapped and alone. sound about right for you? Well you aren’t alone. This site is full of people who will do all they can to help if you ask them to. More on that later. Right now, you probably feel degraded due to the treatment of your Master. It’s difficult to grasp now, but you are just as valuable a person as the next guy. Don’t trick yourself into thinking you are any less than anyone. You have most likely also done things that you would never ever have done otherwise (broken limits). Don’t worry about that for now. Try to focus on the good things in life, on the friends and family around you. There are most likely great friends on getdare as well. Try to tell some people what happened to you, however vague you may feel you have to be. Sharing these kinds of feelings helps a great deal. What your mind has done over the past time is build barriers to protect you. These barriers can manifest themselves in different ways, for example by blocked emotions. In time you will be able to break these barriers again which will be a difficult time, but it’s also required. At those times its important to have your friends and loved ones close to you. Perhaps the most difficult thing for you to do is to trust yourself again – after all you got into this mess because of a single wrong decision right? Please realize that you have your friends to help you. The worst that could happen is for them to help you. The relationship you had was based on fear, and chances are that you are still very afraid of your Master. Try not to be, because you will end up fearing your fear and making it into a much bigger “monster” than it needs to be. Look straight at your fear and realize that what you are fearing is in fact not as bad as you think. In the end, the worst that could happen is you running back to him. And then all it takes is one of your friends to help you. Therefore, you have nothing to fear. It is a long way to go now, and it will be rough sometimes. But if you realize you have nothing to fear, and have your friends near you, I’m sure you will get through it. Also, here is a list with links to profiles of people that will do anything they can when you ask them via PM. Anjelen Chloe Dutch Leo Merlin Star Shadows Sweetsong __________________ Adopt a Pokemon! 24, male, switch. If you have to ask my likes / limits, chances are you will never know. First, important threads: Advice to the Doms and subs out there An exit out of a bad M/s relationship And the fun threads: My ask me anything thread The music guessing game Love is...

05-17-2010, 02:35 PM	#2
Ch3rry B0mb getDare Sweetheart Join Date: May 2010 Location: On a thin precipice over carnal abyss. Posts: 308 Blog Entries: 13	I wish I had found this site three years ago. Heh, I stayed in a bad M/s relationship for two years because I didn't know any better and I -still- have...lasting effects. Anyway, thank you for posting this. <3 Cherry __________________ Ask A Cherry Questions <3 Get A Cherry Bomb

05-17-2010, 02:48 PM	#4
Anjelen Account Banned Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rotterdam Posts: 1,286 Blog Entries: 1	This thread should be stickied. Immediately. Well done, Dutch! __________________ Music by me: 'Suspense'(Reason v4.0) 'Keep your head up v0.1' (Fasttracker v2.09) * How to not be a Dumbinant * * Here's your chance to ask me anything! * "It's better to try and fail than to fail to try." [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] -- Nunc Intellego --

05-17-2010, 03:08 PM	#5
Midnight getDare Sweetheart Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: When I'm in one location, I'll let you know. Doubt that will be any time soon. (Thanks work!) Posts: 438	Can we just have any thread posted by Dutch stickified? I mean, they're brilliant and everybody needs to read them. __________________ Spoiler: Yes, I still exist. Just quiet and guarded. Be careful when you talk to me...you never know which personality wants to play. You can message for whatever. I'm open to conversation. Anything else...well, you saw the little memo about the many personality...it also applies to moods.

05-17-2010, 07:47 PM	#7
SubMissChievous Prodigy Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Canada Posts: 4,466	Another excellent post Dutch! And, yes, I've already added to Threads of Notes There,s not a whole lot for me to add since I agree with all here only adding a couple little things You are right that when things don't feel right in a relationship it can be very hard not only to find the courage to end it but even looking at what's going on in a completely rational way. And too often we tend to blame ourselves or feel guilty about it. Of course a relationship gone wrong especially if it involves abuse is the worst case scenario. Sometimes other things can happen that can make yourself feel alone, confused or helpless. For example, your partner has «vanished» without reasons or dumped you... even ending a relationship on relatively good terms can be tough to oevercome. That's why I so often insist on how helpful it is to network and make friends, etc. And in the case of the end of a relationship, especially if anything bad happened, you may probably not want to isolate yourself. Of course, some «me time» is not a bad idea but you also want to have a few people that you know you can reach if you need it. Writing, journaling can also be a great way to let go emotions and built up frustrations. Especially if one is afraid of telling anyone what happened to them as you have the safety of it being anonymous and just for yourself. Aside from that I guess one's best ally is time. As the old adage says, time heals all wounds. Sometimes it takes more time than others and, yes, there may be some scars left that never completely disappears. I wish I could have a lot of better advices and, yeah, I too have been in a really bad abusive relationship in the past... Unfortunately, this seem to happen more frequently than it should... Best way I found was to use these experiences to acquire more knowledge. Both about this kind of relationships and about myself and what I wanted out of them. So don't be afraid to reach out and talk with people, ask for advice or just vent And pamper yourself and take your time, especially before entering another relationship.

05-17-2010, 11:36 PM	#8
Leopard Truth or Dare Enthusiast Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2,522	Why am I a Leo? But yes, I'm sure everyone listed there is happy to help, I've helped a few people in the past and submissives being stuck in bad relationships is something I really want to help with more. Great post!