How not to be a Dumbinant - Page 3

Nixie · 07-21-2010, 07:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anjelen

D'aww, shocks, Star_Shadows. T'ain't nothing. I tend to get verbose about things i'm passionate about

I'll have that award now? Though i'll settle for a peck on the cheek.

@V_switch - I'm glad my little diatribe is helpful to you. May your days be full of knowing grins, and your nights of lustful moans!

Kisses

I find you refreshing

Anjelen · 09-21-2010, 12:58 PM

O_o woah, hadn't looked at this thread for too long...

... Refreshing, Nixie? O.o

quietdom · 09-25-2010, 07:19 PM

Truly insightfull and well said. Just want to say that i've been looking for someplace online i can express my dominate side, and with the general vibe on this site and that post I just want to say thanks.

Anjelen · 09-26-2010, 02:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by quietdom

Truly insightfull and well said. Just want to say that i've been looking for someplace online i can express my dominate side, and with the general vibe on this site and that post I just want to say thanks.

Aw shucks. thanks ^_^

Just a quick tip, though - 'Dominate' is a verb, 'Dominant' is the additive.

Since this mistake is made by so many rookies, it tends to be a costly one - wether you are or not, it gives people the impression that you're a bit of a dumbinant.

No offence intended!

siggip123 · 10-02-2010, 04:30 PM

The best thread I've ever read on the subject.
Thank you.

dabigone · 10-12-2010, 11:02 AM

Truly impressive Anjelen, I've learned a lot just by reading. You've said what I've been thinking, but not knowing if I were right. Thank you, and I will take your advice.

Mistress_Louisa · 10-12-2010, 11:47 AM

Thank you for this incredibly interesting and well-informed post! I am relatively new to the whole Dom/Sub scene, having always felt the inclination, but only being able to experience it with my current boyfriend.

I agree entirely with your point that, as paradoxical as it may sound, in a relationship such as mine, sex comes last. Ultimately, I view my 'Slave' as my boyfriend first. While we indulge in sexual activity and chat on a very regular basis, I feel that this compliments our relationship more generally, rather than our relationship compliments the sex. Don't get me wrong - the opportunity to finally express ourselves sexually with a partner, rather than simply in our fantasies, has been a major driving force behind our relationship. But sometimes I just want to text my loving boyfriend and have a sweet conversation.

I feel equally protective and dominant over him. I would never push him beyond his limits, and in turn I hope he trusts that I never will.

My only quibble with your post is minor. You mentioned more than once the difference between requesting rather than demanding certain behaviours or actions. I'd like to point out that, for the sake of authenticity and enjoying the real submissive experience, I use the language of order/demand. I don't see a problem with employing such terms, provided the submissive knows that, if they really want to, they can still say 'no'. That's all I had to add!

But thanks again for a brilliant post

Anjelen · 10-13-2010, 05:42 AM

@Mistress_Louisa - Many thanks for your post!

It pays to notice that, in the examples used that speak of requesting versus demanding i was speaking of situations where a demand may have caused the submissive to, simply put, freak out or panic -

When put in a new situation, the individual needs of a submissive must be kept in mind more than ever; While I'm more than capable of commanding and demanding Rose, and indeed in later visits to that club have been far more demanding on her as in the examples given, I had to keep in mind during that first visit that this was my normally quite shy, somewhat socially awkward Rose's first-ever exposure to not only a BDSM-club, but also public nudity, that of herself and others, as well as public play - and note also that Rose, prior to that day, had been taught to dress somewhat conservatively on all occasions, first by hugely overbearing parental units and later, by her boyfriend. Moreover, Rose has a tendency to panic easily, especially in stressful situations...

Yes, I've stressed how i requested of her then, rather than demanded - as the situation called for delicate handling, so that she and I might both enjoy herself without my having to worry of causing undue stress, which would have at those points not only ruined her fun and mine, but also put a domper on the evening of the other individuals, and lastly, would have negatively affected their opinions of me as a Dominant as well as person.

As things were, we were later prioritized by those who organized that monthly event - given the last few 'slots' to attend the play party in favor of people who had been on the waiting list for longer than we, as they enjoyed how we enjoyed ourselves.

Play as you will

I meant not to say that there is any bad in demanding rather than requesting - I meant simply to point out that sometimes, in situations such as described, it is better for all involves to carefully consider one's words and their effects on a submissive, and how that submissive is likely to react to said effects.

This way, a submissive can, if desired by both, be brought past their limits to a degree - bending, rather than breaking said limits - or, as Rose has at that second party, find themselves at the center of a dozen-person grope-out, delivering handjobs with each hand and oral to myself, and later laid back in a sling and offered for public use...

A scene that she QUITE enjoyed.

Calimero · 10-22-2010, 01:12 PM

I am lucky and My Master is very fair, and I would say is definately a Dominant and not a dumbiant... but I have come across many that would fall into that catagory in my short time within the BDSM world.

So thank you for a well written post.

May make some so called Masters think... although I doubt they would understand all of what was said.

Anjelen · 11-28-2010, 08:30 AM

Ha. One can only hope, Calimero. One can only hope.

Thanks for your reply ^_^

Mickii · 12-02-2010, 02:14 AM

This is a very nice read indeed.
I think what was most recognizable to me, is that you care about the individual sub. Personally, I don't think there is something like a "generic" D/s relationship, just like there is no generic M/F, or any other really, kind of relationship.
In my plays (mostly offline) I've found that every sub, or conversation leading to a possible play together, deserves the minimum investment of me thinking of what their needs are at this moment, and only then acting on that. I, for one, find it very difficult to come off as 'a typical Dom (or should that be Dumb

)', when I've only just met someone, especially online.
The other point about the submissive having all the real power, since this is about their needs: I've found that to be true on almost every play I've ever been comfortable with.
So, recap: I think that, especially in online play, as a Dom you have the responsibility to get to know your slave/sub/pet/whatever, before you start playing together. And great post

Anjelen · 12-04-2010, 05:21 AM

And thank -you-.

Though one strives for a power exchange it is often the case that one addresses one's own needs through addressing those of the submissive in question...

Dawotch · 12-06-2010, 11:34 AM

I've read a lot on the lifestyle over the years, and while I love good BDSM porn, I also look for good blogs or stories in general to try and break them down. Your post however is an amalgam of all the things I've learned, read, practice, and wanted to see.

It's very thoughtful and if you do not object I will add this to my folder of BDSM documents for re-reading and further study, so that I can try to improve on my self even more.

Anjelen · 12-07-2010, 02:36 AM

Thanks, Dawotch - and of course you can keep it. May it be useful for a good long time!

Intumesce · 12-12-2010, 04:15 PM

I guess I'm still a bit of a dumbinant, turning into a dominant. While not the flogger-wielding kind of guy, at least I don't see myself as one who'd go beyond mild pain infliction, I must say I've learned something.

I can better understand the neccesity of creating a certain relationship before a sub or slave can give herself to a dom. Also the concept of requesting over ordering is interesting and I'll keep that in mind, al though I have been using that for, for example new subs and nude photography. I feel it's not my place to order a girl to send me a photograph of herself or have a webcam session. These are comprimising situations for the sub and should not be forced into doing. Okay, I guess I'm rambling.

Anyway, thank you for the informative read, I shared it with a girl I sometimes have a scene with online.

Sidenote, it should be noted that I'm not a real-life practicionar and could be considered an internet tosser as apposed as a real Dom. Still, I'm going to try and be more interested in my sub's life.

09-21-2010, 12:58 PM	#32
Anjelen Account Banned Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rotterdam Posts: 1,286 Blog Entries: 1	O_o woah, hadn't looked at this thread for too long... ... Refreshing, Nixie? O.o __________________ Music by me: 'Suspense'(Reason v4.0) 'Keep your head up v0.1' (Fasttracker v2.09) * How to not be a Dumbinant * * Here's your chance to ask me anything! * "It's better to try and fail than to fail to try." [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] -- Nunc Intellego --

09-25-2010, 07:19 PM	#33
quietdom Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: sort of an oasis in a desert, at least thats what it feels like sometimes...but it lacks fresh fruit Posts: 5	Reading that made me smile Truly insightfull and well said. Just want to say that i've been looking for someplace online i can express my dominate side, and with the general vibe on this site and that post I just want to say thanks.

10-02-2010, 04:30 PM	#35
siggip123 Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2010 Posts: 6	Bravo.. The best thread I've ever read on the subject. Thank you.

10-12-2010, 11:02 AM	#36
dabigone Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: New York Posts: 161	Truly impressive Anjelen, I've learned a lot just by reading. You've said what I've been thinking, but not knowing if I were right. Thank you, and I will take your advice. __________________ 18/m PM me for whatever reason and I'll respond to every one! Ask me: http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=57950 Dare me: http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=57949 I'll let you know my likes and dislikes as I find them, but right now: Likes: masturbation, light humiliation, semi-public Dislikes: pee Limits: llegal, poop, family, others' participation

10-13-2010, 05:42 AM	#38
Anjelen Account Banned Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rotterdam Posts: 1,286 Blog Entries: 1	@Mistress_Louisa - Many thanks for your post! It pays to notice that, in the examples used that speak of requesting versus demanding i was speaking of situations where a demand may have caused the submissive to, simply put, freak out or panic - When put in a new situation, the individual needs of a submissive must be kept in mind more than ever; While I'm more than capable of commanding and demanding Rose, and indeed in later visits to that club have been far more demanding on her as in the examples given, I had to keep in mind during that first visit that this was my normally quite shy, somewhat socially awkward Rose's first-ever exposure to not only a BDSM-club, but also public nudity, that of herself and others, as well as public play - and note also that Rose, prior to that day, had been taught to dress somewhat conservatively on all occasions, first by hugely overbearing parental units and later, by her boyfriend. Moreover, Rose has a tendency to panic easily, especially in stressful situations... Yes, I've stressed how i requested of her then, rather than demanded - as the situation called for delicate handling, so that she and I might both enjoy herself without my having to worry of causing undue stress, which would have at those points not only ruined her fun and mine, but also put a domper on the evening of the other individuals, and lastly, would have negatively affected their opinions of me as a Dominant as well as person. As things were, we were later prioritized by those who organized that monthly event - given the last few 'slots' to attend the play party in favor of people who had been on the waiting list for longer than we, as they enjoyed how we enjoyed ourselves. Play as you will I meant not to say that there is any bad in demanding rather than requesting - I meant simply to point out that sometimes, in situations such as described, it is better for all involves to carefully consider one's words and their effects on a submissive, and how that submissive is likely to react to said effects. This way, a submissive can, if desired by both, be brought past their limits to a degree - bending, rather than breaking said limits - or, as Rose has at that second party, find themselves at the center of a dozen-person grope-out, delivering handjobs with each hand and oral to myself, and later laid back in a sling and offered for public use... A scene that she QUITE enjoyed. __________________ Music by me: 'Suspense'(Reason v4.0) 'Keep your head up v0.1' (Fasttracker v2.09) * How to not be a Dumbinant * * Here's your chance to ask me anything! * "It's better to try and fail than to fail to try." [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] -- Nunc Intellego -- Last edited by Anjelen; 10-13-2010 at 05:44 AM.

10-12-2010, 11:47 AM	#37
Mistress_Louisa Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2010 Posts: 205	Thank you for this incredibly interesting and well-informed post! I am relatively new to the whole Dom/Sub scene, having always felt the inclination, but only being able to experience it with my current boyfriend. I agree entirely with your point that, as paradoxical as it may sound, in a relationship such as mine, sex comes last. Ultimately, I view my 'Slave' as my boyfriend first. While we indulge in sexual activity and chat on a very regular basis, I feel that this compliments our relationship more generally, rather than our relationship compliments the sex. Don't get me wrong - the opportunity to finally express ourselves sexually with a partner, rather than simply in our fantasies, has been a major driving force behind our relationship. But sometimes I just want to text my loving boyfriend and have a sweet conversation. I feel equally protective and dominant over him. I would never push him beyond his limits, and in turn I hope he trusts that I never will. My only quibble with your post is minor. You mentioned more than once the difference between requesting rather than demanding certain behaviours or actions. I'd like to point out that, for the sake of authenticity and enjoying the real submissive experience, I use the language of order/demand. I don't see a problem with employing such terms, provided the submissive knows that, if they really want to, they can still say 'no'. That's all I had to add! But thanks again for a brilliant post

10-22-2010, 01:12 PM	#39
Calimero Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2010 Posts: 16	I am lucky and My Master is very fair, and I would say is definately a Dominant and not a dumbiant... but I have come across many that would fall into that catagory in my short time within the BDSM world. So thank you for a well written post. May make some so called Masters think... although I doubt they would understand all of what was said. __________________ Calimero - Slave to Masterq81

11-28-2010, 08:30 AM	#40
Anjelen Account Banned Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rotterdam Posts: 1,286 Blog Entries: 1	Ha. One can only hope, Calimero. One can only hope. Thanks for your reply ^_^ __________________ Music by me: 'Suspense'(Reason v4.0) 'Keep your head up v0.1' (Fasttracker v2.09) * How to not be a Dumbinant * * Here's your chance to ask me anything! * "It's better to try and fail than to fail to try." [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] -- Nunc Intellego --

12-02-2010, 02:14 AM	#41
Mickii Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: UK Posts: 8	nice thread :) This is a very nice read indeed. I think what was most recognizable to me, is that you care about the individual sub. Personally, I don't think there is something like a "generic" D/s relationship, just like there is no generic M/F, or any other really, kind of relationship. In my plays (mostly offline) I've found that every sub, or conversation leading to a possible play together, deserves the minimum investment of me thinking of what their needs are at this moment, and only then acting on that. I, for one, find it very difficult to come off as 'a typical Dom (or should that be Dumb )', when I've only just met someone, especially online. The other point about the submissive having all the real power, since this is about their needs: I've found that to be true on almost every play I've ever been comfortable with. So, recap: I think that, especially in online play, as a Dom you have the responsibility to get to know your slave/sub/pet/whatever, before you start playing together. And great post __________________ F/23/UK/Dom Likes: will try almost anything once Dislikes: family/friends, blood, scat

12-04-2010, 05:21 AM	#42
Anjelen Account Banned Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rotterdam Posts: 1,286 Blog Entries: 1	And thank -you-. Though one strives for a power exchange it is often the case that one addresses one's own needs through addressing those of the submissive in question... __________________ Music by me: 'Suspense'(Reason v4.0) 'Keep your head up v0.1' (Fasttracker v2.09) * How to not be a Dumbinant * * Here's your chance to ask me anything! * "It's better to try and fail than to fail to try." [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] -- Nunc Intellego --

12-06-2010, 11:34 AM	#43
Dawotch Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Chicago Posts: 136 Blog Entries: 7	Thanks I've read a lot on the lifestyle over the years, and while I love good BDSM porn, I also look for good blogs or stories in general to try and break them down. Your post however is an amalgam of all the things I've learned, read, practice, and wanted to see. It's very thoughtful and if you do not object I will add this to my folder of BDSM documents for re-reading and further study, so that I can try to improve on my self even more. __________________ "...I have no precious time at all to spend, Nor serviced to do till you require. Nor dare I chide the world-without-end hour Whilst I, my sovereign, watch the clock for you Nor think the bitterness of absence sour" From Shakespeare's Sonnet 57 I have thoughts about deep things too Ask me stuff, I'll answer I have a blog here too, it gets more attention than my real blog.

12-07-2010, 02:36 AM	#44
Anjelen Account Banned Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rotterdam Posts: 1,286 Blog Entries: 1	Thanks, Dawotch - and of course you can keep it. May it be useful for a good long time! __________________ Music by me: 'Suspense'(Reason v4.0) 'Keep your head up v0.1' (Fasttracker v2.09) * How to not be a Dumbinant * * Here's your chance to ask me anything! * "It's better to try and fail than to fail to try." [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] -- Nunc Intellego --

12-12-2010, 04:15 PM	#45
Intumesce Member Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: The Netherlands. Posts: 96	I guess I'm still a bit of a dumbinant, turning into a dominant. While not the flogger-wielding kind of guy, at least I don't see myself as one who'd go beyond mild pain infliction, I must say I've learned something. I can better understand the neccesity of creating a certain relationship before a sub or slave can give herself to a dom. Also the concept of requesting over ordering is interesting and I'll keep that in mind, al though I have been using that for, for example new subs and nude photography. I feel it's not my place to order a girl to send me a photograph of herself or have a webcam session. These are comprimising situations for the sub and should not be forced into doing. Okay, I guess I'm rambling. Anyway, thank you for the informative read, I shared it with a girl I sometimes have a scene with online. Sidenote, it should be noted that I'm not a real-life practicionar and could be considered an internet tosser as apposed as a real Dom. Still, I'm going to try and be more interested in my sub's life.