Conflicted in my Vanilla Relationship

[Testing123]

Hello everybody...

As the title suggests, I'd like to get some things off my chest, and ask the community for some advice if at all possible.

I'm currently in a Vanilla relationship with a girl that has been going on about three and a half years. When we first started dating, I wasn't much into BDSM (simply because I didn't know much about it). However, since delving into it on my own (going on about four months now) I've learned that this type of lifestyle is something I would like to try.

It isn't just about the sex for me. The lifestyle is what interests me. I am interested in delving into the Master/slave power dynamic. To have a woman be solely committed in ALL ways to me sounds simply intoxicating...it this could be immensely satisfying, as it feels like this is what I have been missing for so long.

The problem is, I don't really feel comfortable trying it with my current girlfriend [actually a fiancee =(]. I've known her for about seven years, three and a half as a couple, and so I can't think of us in that way...I don't see my fiance as a slave, and feel uneasy about trying to transform her into one...

I feel very conflicted by this...as you know.

The worst part is, we are living together, and since I am the breadwinner, she is dependent on my income. I have a close relationship with her family, and she has a good one with mine...our lives are so intertwined in terms of friends and locations (we grew up in the same town)...she thinks things are progressing towards "the plunge" as they say...breaking these bonds would simply be cold-hearted, selfish, and unforgivable...

I'm trapped between my old life and my emerging self, and I would really appreciate someone to talk to about it, or to give advice, or to at least to listen...

[GoogleMaster]

My advice is cheap and simple. All I can suggest is experiences from my own relationships. A) you have to be honest in all your relationships. B) If your partner can't love you for who you are there will be problems in the relationship eventually C) You have to look out for you. Your partner should bring you happiness and joy. You should not have to worry about being their support. Support them because you love them, and want them to be happy so they can bring you happiness in return.

[Akuma_Tataka]

Originally Posted by GoogleMaster

My advice is cheap and simple. All I can suggest is experiences from my own relationships. A) you have to be honest in all your relationships. B) If your partner can't love you for who you are there will be problems in the relationship eventually C) You have to look out for you. Your partner should bring you happiness and joy. You should not have to worry about being their support. Support them because you love them, and want them to be happy so they can bring you happiness in return.

I agree totally with GM. You need to be honest. Talk to her about it, play around with it, try it out. she may naturally find her self falling into a slave/sub position.

[Testing123]

I have tried to get her into it, but its doesn't seem like its going anywhere.

For instance, we have tried some bondage and things like that, but she doesn't just "fall into" the sub role. She wanted to try it both ways, and after we have, she simply avoids the subject when I bring it up. It always becomes that I'm putting too much pressure on her.

She gets hurt very easily from anything physical, so other things I've suggested before haven't flew so well either.

Being more dominant in our everyday interactions has actually pushed her the other way. She'll stand up for herself, and tell me things like "You can't tell me to do that", and then go about being more dominant herself.

For instance, today, I instructed her to get going on the work that needed to be done, and she turned around and simply proclaimed she wasn't going to do it because of my attitude (I wasn't being mean/humiliative/degrading, just firm as in "do this now"). She then sat down to watch a dvd and told me to do it if I wanted it so bad....this can happen anytime I exercise my dominance even in the respectful way like I did today.

[Tyrel]

I agree that you need to talk with her and express that this is something you are very interested in and want to try with her. You have to do this together or not at all unless she is willing to let you be with other women.
Another thing is if she don't work or go to school then you do have to be the dominant one. When she refuses to do the work make her and tell her it's her share of the responsability. If she refuses to work with you then it may be time for a change, but first give her the chance to experience and learn but most of all when she gets dominant tell her it's your place and your rules.

[gweniverei]

It's very likely that you freaked her out and it will take a while for her to get used to the idea. You may just need to take it slow and give her time. Also she may just not be into the whole lifestyle change you just dropped in her lap. If you care about her and if she cares about you I think you guys should be able to come to some sort of agreement. And if not then perhaps this isn't the right choice for you two?

You might also want to take into account that while you find this new lifestyle intoxicating as you put it, is it possible that it's just the rush of how exciting and new this is? You should seriously consider your options and have an open discussion with her before you break it off.

[Testing123]

She isn't working or going to school now. But, her grad studies start next week, and by the end of the month, she will be going to school full time and working as a lab assistant.

I will still be the supporting role, as she has specified that her money will go towards saving for student loan payments (which she has more of then I do so its hard to argue on that...)

If I bring it up, I am being weird or jerk, and she won't do it. Even if she is in the middle of doing it, bring it up will reverse the process...she just doesn't like instruction!

[DMoe]

Going at it like you did with your girl is not going to work. Unless someone openly agrees to be your submissive, confronting them and telling them to do something will just raise the defense mechanism and they will stand up for themselves. Try going at it slow.

Be sweet and charming, come up behind her and tell her how sexy it would be if she just wore nothing but heels around the house all day or whatever you would like her to do. You will have to gradually work her into bdsm and will probably never get her as a full blown slave, but being open and honest and telling her what sexy little things she can do for you should reap results.

[Testing123]

Going slow is probably the best route. I do have a tendency to rush into things, as was probably given away by the use of the word intoxicating....lol

I think I need to become more comfortable in my role as a dominant, as I am just getting started. I understand that being a dominant means different things to different people...

I also need to find a way to frame it in a light that shows how I want our relationship to progress as time goes on...because I really do love her...im just conflicted is all...

Does anybody have any suggestions on how to get started introducing things to her? Does anybody have any suggestions on blogs or other things I can read about being a dom in the lifestyle?

[nellybell]

You really are going to have to take your time on this one. As it was mentioned, without a prior explanation, most dominant actions make you seem like a dick or rather demanding. I'm a sub, but I would have reacted very similarly to how she did if asked like that. Because she doesn't know what you're trying to do when you asking in a more demanding sort of way, she views it in a much more demeaning and rude way.

Do you think she shows any sort of subish signs? Does she seem to enjoy being tied up? At the very least she could be considered a switch if she wants to tie you up in return, and that may be something you will have to try as well. You will probably never get anywhere near a master/slave dynamic, at least not for any extended period of time. You may be able to play around with it though.

You are going to have to go slow and talk to her about this. Try telling her it is something you're really interested in and something you need to get out in the open and talk to her about. If you want anything near a m/s dynamic you're going to have to get used to talking to her about things that might make you uncomfertable now. This isn't a lifestyle for the squeemish or the embarrassed. Don't just give up on your relationship just yet, especially if you love her.

[Testing123]

Yes, she does have subish signs, but that is only when I'm hands off so to speak.

For instance, she is usually the one to make dinner, she handles most of the domestic chores, and she really won't let me do that haha. She wants me to come home from work and just be home, rather than doing more work, which is really nice, and has sort of indirectly pushed me more into the lifestyle if you know what I mean.

We have about a year and a half before we get married, and haven't started planning anything yet, so I think I have time on my side...

I think my strategy should be one that is constantly expressing my love for her. In this way, she won't feel threatened and perhaps more inclined to explore herself?

[honeyness]

I think the biggest thing needed here is communication, and this has to be done in the right way. You have found this new interest in becoming dominant, and you feel the need to embrace this, however I think you need to slow down. Just because this is something you are interested in persuing doesn't mean your fiance should automatically be treated like a submissive.

The first thing you need to do is sit down and have a mature conversation with your fiance about this. You say you have known each other for 7 years, I hope you have enough trust to have a full conversation about this. Explain to her exactly how you feel about this, and what your current needs and wants are. You absolutely need to allow her to express her own opinions and ask any questions she wants to, it has to be a 2 way conversation.

The most important thing is to respect her decisions and opinions, if she is uncomfortable with any form of submission, you have to respect her feelings, and mae sure she knows that you will respect her and will not force anything onto her. This will most likely be strange and scary for her, if she feels even the slightest bit pressured it will cause more cracks along the way. This is probably the cause of the arguments about her work at present. Once you have had a proper conversation with her about both your feelings surrounding your situation you will have a stronger idea of where to take this. It might be that she is comfortable trying some things, and she may reveal there is something she would like to try out, or it might turn out that she is really uncomfortable with the whole situation.

If you love each other and respect each other as you say, I'm sure you will both come to meet at a happy medium.