Kyles time as a slave

[daremenudeguy]

Hi first story tell me how you like it!

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Kyle is a 15 year old boy and isnt very popular but hes got a small secret that no one knows about, kyles secret is that he every once in a while he likes to log onto getdare and do a couple of dares such as running around his backyard nude or crossdressing etc... Kyle has always thought nude dares were exciting and they made him feel free one night kyle decided to go onto getdare and find some dares to do , well kyle looked for about 6mins and found a dare that told him to throw something out in his yard that was valuable to him and look ror it till you find it, for this dare he chose a pocket knife that he had gotten for birthday 2 years ago from his grandpa. Well kyle stripped down and went out into his backyard with his knife closed his eyes and threw it out in his yard kyle began looking around in the midsection of the yard and found nothing, kyle was happy that he picked this night for this dare seeing as the full moon was out and it made it easier to see well kyle kept searching the ground thoroughly and froze when he heard footsteps behind him, kyle slowly turned around to see who it was because of the darkness he couldnt make out the strangers face, the person in front of him spoke in a slightly familiar voice and out came the words i believe this is yours, stepping forward with a closed knife in her hand as the stranger stepped into the light he realized that it maggie a popular girl at school that lived in the house behind him kyle hesitated to move but reached for the knife and she began to speak again.......
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part 1 tell me what you think itll be slow coming in seeing as im typing all this on my phone

[interesting]

Same thing I say to almost every new author.

Intriguing start, too early to tell if I like it or not.

The fact that you're inputing this through a phone might explain the lack of punctuation and separation of ideas and paragraphs, but it does make for a very hard read. If you can't do paragraphs, try to at least get your punctuation within the text, it would make for an easier read.

[daremenudeguy]

Maggie began talking and said kyle i have been watching many of youre dares, and i decided that i could use this in my favor if you become my slave i will choose not to tell everyone in our school your little secret dares youve been doing , kyle shuddered at the thought of the whole school about all the dares kyle has been doing at night kyle agreed thinking maggie wouldn't be harsh or that demanding kyle went inside his house and set his alarm then fell asleep. kyle woke up at 7:23 because he was so tired the bus leaves at 7:50 so kyle wasnt left with much time to eat so kyle got ready and got on his bus when maggie got on the bus she pretended to trip and slipped a note onto my lap i leaned towards the back of my seat and read it had rules listed on it

1)you must call me master unless were at school
2)you must follow all of my commands or youll suffer my punishment
3) you must were what i tell you to and when i tell you

I quickly folded the note an shoved it in my pocket and got up out of my seat seeing as we stopped since were at my school.....
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part two comment alot

[gervan]

Hi, your story can become good. But i would like it if the chapters were a litle bit longer.

And i think you made a litle mistake by changing the person who tells you write the story in the 3rd person and in the end of Chapter 2 you switch to 1st person telling

I quickly folded the note an shoved it in my pocket and got up out of my seat seeing as we stopped since were at my school.....

[rpUral]

Not a bad story, but it suffers from a sheer lack of proper punctuation and grammar.

said kyle i have been watching many of youre dares,

Names are always capitalized, so "Kyle". The pronoun "I" is always capitalized. Youre is a conjunction for "you are", and therefore should be "you're".

The first post was just a huge block of text, with no breaks. Even a phone has a return key somewhere. This makes it extremely hard to read. The second post isn't much better, being broken only by the list of rules. And the list of rules proves that you can use the return when you want to, so there's no excuse for the "big square block" of text in the first post.

Within a paragraph, once you establish who's involved, you don't need to use their name in every sentence. Words like he, his, she, hers are meant for this. Almost all your sentences start with "Kyle", or contain his name. Not necessary.

What people say should be quoted.

Maggie began talking and said "Kyle, I have been watching many of your dares, and I decided that I could use this in my favor. If you become my slave I will choose not to tell everyone in our school your little secret dares you've been doing."

Learn the difference between "your" and "You're" and and use them correctly. The same goes for "there", "their", and "they're".

And, as noted above, the switch from third person "Kyle did this, and Kyle said that..." to first person "I did this, and my pocket".

I think you see these things as trivial, but they really detract from people's ability to read and enjoy your story. The story has potential, but is truly hard to read. The following is an example of your first post, reformatted for easier reading:

Kyle is a 15 year old boy and isnt very popular, but hes got a small secret that no one knows about. His secret is that, every once in a while, he likes to log onto getdare and do a couple of dares such as running around his backyard nude or crossdressing etc... He has always thought nude dares were exciting and they made him feel free.

One night Kyle decided to go onto getdare and find some dares to do. Well, he looked for about 6 minutes and found a dare that told him to throw something out in his yard that was valuable to him and look for it till you find it. For this dare he chose a pocket knife that he had gotten for his birthday 2 years ago from his grandpa.

Kyle stripped down and went out into his backyard with his knife, closed his eyes, and threw it out in his yard. He began looking around in the midsection of the yard and found nothing. He was happy that he picked this night for this dare seeing as the full moon was out and it made it easier to see.

Kyle kept searching the ground thoroughly, but froze when he heard footsteps behind him. He slowly turned around to see who it was. Because of the darkness he couldn't make out the stranger's face.

The person in front of him spoke in a slightly familiar voice and out came the words "I believe this is yours". She steped forward into the light with a closed knife in her hand. As the stranger stepped into the light he realized that it was Maggie, a popular girl at school that lived in the house behind him. Kyle hesitated to move but reached for the knife and she began to speak again.......

And again, don't take this wrong, as I do like the story thus far, and in the future, I'll at least take the time to mentally reformat it for myself. But please, try to use, and not abuse, the english language... We'll all sleep better if you do.

[pop22]

ok listen ut ural people like stories bicous they are good not bicous of correct punctuation and grammer i mean leaving a huge wall of text correcting someone is really stupid although i mean no offense