Humor thread - post your best joke!

[Anjelen]

[Chapter one, Man meets camel]

Once upon a time, a man, we'll call him Dan, decided to visit the whorehouse. Now there was one problem - Dan lived on one side of a rather substantial desert. Naturally, the whorehose he'd decided to show his patronage, existed on the other side of the vast plain of sand and rock; Dan didn't own an automobile.

However, Dan was a high-spirited man, and so with his neck hung full of canteens and supplies strapped to his shoulders, he set off walking, compass in hand.

He walked for hours; then for days - a week passed and his supplied were wearing thin, and even Dan's high spirit was beginning to buckle under the relentless heat and abrasive wind of the desert. Moreover, he was dog-tired and the only thing that kept him going at that point was his raging libido.

Stumbling upon a corral where camels were sold, Dan decided to see if he could barter - and indeed found a man willing to part with his camel for Dan's golden watch. Once the deal was complete, Dan climbed between the beast's humps and was told- " 'Go' makes camel walk. 'Phew' makes camel run. 'Amen' makes camel stop."

And indeed, when Dan said 'Go' - the camel started to walk. However it moved at a snails' pace; three hours later, one of the boys living at the corral ran up to the side of the walking camel and, without having ran out of breath from the distance, tried to sell Dan his own watch back.

Dan, understandably, decided he wanted to go a little faster. 'Phew' he exclaimed - and immediately wished he hadn't, as his ass hit the back bump of the camel so hard it gave him a nasty bruise; the beast had suddenly set off at such a speed that Dan's cheeks were stretched backwards and the sand in the riding wind started to scratch at his expensive shades.

I mean, as slow as the beast had walked, as fast it ran - Dan was hangin from the camel's hump by his arms, his body and legs flailing and floating in the breeze like a flag - and in the distance, he saw a sheer cliff approach... ... And he'd forgotten how to stop.

He tried EVERYTHING from hitting the camel to pulling it's reigns so hard the beast began to choke. EVERYTHIN. It just. Didn't. Work.

Eventually Dan resigned in his fate and, being a good christian, managed to pull himself back into the saddle for his prayers, crossing himself with the hand that didn't FURIOUSLY cling to the reigns.

"In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen."

The camel's legs locked. There was confusion, noise, dust thrown up in a plume a quarter mile high, and poor Dan's balls nearly got squished as they hit the front hump of the camel painfully hard... But the camel stopped.

Five foot away from the cliff he would've dropped off with Dan on his back if not for his fortuitous prayer.

Dan took off his ray-bans, wiped the sweat and dust from his brow with the back of his hand, and took a deep breath.

"Phew!"

[Chapter two, Camel loses nuts]

Miraculously however, both Dan and his camel survived the drop; a huge amount of loose sand had blown into the ravine and Dan and Camel both experienced a relatively painless landing and were, after some painful moments of extradition, unscathed and able to go along their way.

The camel walked, or ran, as much as Dan dared make it run; they were actually making good time across the endless plain until the camel collapsed in sheer fatigue.

As luck would have it however, Dan spotted a garage and gas station in the distance. Not wanting to part with the camel; he'd grown to appreciate it's speed; he took the reigns of the camel and used them to drag the beast to the garage, where he was greeted by the wizened old owner.

"Well hi there! Looks like your camel's a bit tired, huh? Don't you worry about anything, my good man - Drag the beast up onto the bridge while i fetch something, and we'll get him moving in no time flat!"

As the man stepped into the desert, Dan did as he was told; when he had the animal standing on the bridge, the garage owner returned with a big stone in each hand. After raising the bridge a ways, the man stepped under it and, stones in hand, SMACKED them together upon the poor camel's scrotum - who balked deafeningly and reared up, then jumped off the bridge and ran into the distance.

"You moron!" shouted dan, "How am i supposed to get it back, now, huh?" "Ah, no problem at all!" said the garage owner. "Just you step on that bridge there for a moment..."

[Chapter three : Man humps ...]

Eventually though, man and Dan had reached an accord; Dan received the man's spare camel, Bessie. Bessie wasn't as fast as Dan's previous camel had been but on the other hand she made for a much more comfortable ride - so comfortable in fact that Dan had time to be reminded of his by-now enormous libido.

In short, Dan was beginning to get unbarably horny.

So unbarably that he decided, out here in the desert where noone would see him - he'd just fuck the camel instead. But, every time he managed to back Bessie up to a rock high enough on wich he could stand to mount her, every time he tried mounting her the wily creature simply stepped a few paces forward - leaving dan to topple over and fall down, his hardon penetrating nothing but hot desert sand.

He kept trying though - from rock to rock to rock, Dan and Bessie went, with no release for poor, more and more frustrated Dan in sight.

What -did- come in sight however was an old car in the distance, with the hood open and, upon approach, four of the most beautiful young ladies Dan had ever laid eyes on sulking about in it.

It was established that the four ladies - a redhead, a blonde, and two brunettes, all young, friendly, and as attractive as Dan had ever seen - had been contracted by the owner of the brothel Dan was heading to, but their car had broke down on their way there.

Owning no car, but being somewhat of a mechanical genius; with the aid of one of the young ladies' garter belts he managed to get the machine going again.

The redhead, leaning both her arms on the frame of the window, laying her breasts upon them as she licked her lips and looked at Dan from under her eyebrows, smiled seductively. "Thank you, Dan... We would like to repay you. Is there anything, anything at all we might do for you?"

Dan looked into the car. Dan looked at Bessie.

Dan did some quick math. Dan grinned broadly.

"For the love of god, young ladies, hold the camel's legs still for me, would you?"

[Ch3rry B0mb]

-spews coffee-

>_<

Too hilarious!

[Mere]

I read this one, lately

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello,
Could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I
think I may be in with a chance!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out;
He returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's
sister is very cute too.

She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me
and I think I might strike it lucky there too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he
Turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my
girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always
makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is
expecting me to make a move!

AT THE DINER TABLE

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left,
The sister on his right and the mum facing him.


When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying,
"Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us."
A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your
kindness."


Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.
The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more
surprised than the others.


She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were
So religious."



The boy replies,

"I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

[Star Shadows]

Mere that is actually hillarious!

"what do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back?"

Spoiler:

A stick

[theone]

Thor, the Norse God of Thunder, decided to slip down to Earth for a spot of sex. He picked up a girl in a bar and went back to her place.

Blessed with unrivalled stamina, he then subjected her to a three-day non-stop sex session, at the end of which she was utterly exhausted. After saying his farewells, he felt guilty that he might have injured her in some way, so he went back to apologize and explain why he had been able to keep going for so long.

He said: "I'm sorry, I'm Thor."

The girl yelled: "Oh, you're thor, are you? Well, tho am I. In fact, I can't even pith!"

[momo]

A teen guy shares a bunk bed with his little brother. One night the little brother was alseep (on the bottom bunk) and the older brother decides he can get away with sneaking a girl in. They start to have sex, but they decided they should use code words just for an extra precaution. They decide "lettuce" for "faster", "tomato" for "harder" and "mayo" for stop. After a few: Lettuce, Tomato, LETTUCE LETTUCE, oooo TOMATO!'s The girl finally starts whining "MAYO, MAYO MAYOOOO!" When all of the sudden they hear the little brother say, " If you guys are making sandwiches, can you please stop getting mayo all over my face!" XD

[theone]

One day, Farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: How to carry all of his purchases home?
The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1520 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get into the alley you won't ravish me?"
The farmer said, "Holy shit, lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in God's name could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The little old lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[Nixie]

DUI - TEXAS STYLE
Only a person in Texas could think of this.

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, Texas after last
call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he
could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer
quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys
on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine,
dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times,
honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward
a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes
as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and
drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up
his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
and administered a Breathalyzer test.


To his amazement, the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had
consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask
you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck.
'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.

[theone]

Pinocchio talks to Gepetto:
- Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls.
- You know, my son, I didn’t care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.
After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:
- Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?
- Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore.

One man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

[Anjelen]

Not mine - reposted from fetlife...

I am a cable guy by trade and going into strangers homes introduces me to an abundant number of 'interesting' situations.

This is one of those kind of situations...

One day, after a long complicated repair on a couples cable and surround sound system, I was taking the time to explain all of the changes I had to make to the equipment. The man was interested, the woman not so much. She stayed to her self at the kitchen table. I thought she was getting sick by the way she looked.

I was not the only person at the house this day conducting business for the family. There was also a man outside testing the septic system. During idle conversation as I worked, the customer explained that his sewage system had stopped working and started backing up solid waste into his bathtub when the toilet was flushed so he had called someone to figure out why.

As I was just finishing up the explanation of what equipment went to which inputs to the man, when were interrupted by the man in the back yard entering the living room.

He apologized for the interrupting us for a moment and explained to the customer that the problem with his septic system was that all of the enzymes that break up the solid waste were dead. The septic tank needed pumped out and retreated.

The man of the house asked the other man, "Wait a minute. How are all of the enzymes dead?" The other man said, "I'm not sure, but it could be the spermicide from all of the condoms. There are hundreds of them still in your septic tank. You really shouldn't flush them, they don't dissolve in water."

The man of the house looked rather irritated all of a sudden. The lady of the house was getting up to leave though the back door. Without looking around,

"Honey???" the man called.

She stopped in mid stride, swallowed and replied, "Um, yeah?"

"How many years has it been since I had a Vasectomy???"

OH GOD... TIME TO LEAVE....

I wished him a good day and was out of the front door in a flash.