[Fiction] Plane ride

[truthpick]

Paragraph 1

I am currently on an airplane seat, flying to Australia. Seems normal right? Wrong! I am beside you. You are having way too fun. Once we got to cruising altitude, You told me to go to the washroom and insert your favourite vibe, a remote controlled on. You also told me to remove my underwear! Thankfully, You allowed me to keep my sweater on so I can at least hide my perky nipples clamped with the clover clamps. I don't really fancy having to go back to the washroom, but I'd probably have to XD It was such a struggle to keep the vibe from falling on my way back to my seat. My leggings just can't keep them in place as easily as panties can. It doesn't help that it's a rather long plane ride. 12 hours of torment doesn't bode well for me.



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Was dared to write a story
- Story is total of 5 paragraphs
- I'll post the rest if there's interest

[forrest.livingston8]

Originally Posted by truthpick

I am currently on an airplane seat, flying to Australia. Seems normal right? Wrong! I am beside you.

The transition here in plot is a bit confusing. I'd suggest "I am currently on an airplane seat, flying to Australia. Seems normal right? Wrong! You're sitting next to me."

This better fits the rest of your story's wording style.

Originally Posted by truthpick

XD

The frowning face of disappointment in including an emoticon in a story has no words besides the mildly disappointed frown.

Originally Posted by truthpick

It doesn't help that it's a rather long plane ride. 12 hours of torment doesn't bode well for me.

Good hook for the next parts.

I would be interested in reading the rest, although I suggest that, if they have time delays in them (such as if the second part starts after two hours, etc), you post them at the correct time delay.

[Master.]

Umm, I think you may have misunderstood. There is no transition in plot, she's on an aeroplane with someone sat next to her (even you admit it, your suggestion as to how it should be changed has exactly the same meaning), I have no idea how this is confusing for you...

The frowning face of disappointment in not reading through the story properly has no words has no words besides the mildly disappointed frown.

[forrest.livingston8]

Originally Posted by Master.

Umm, I think you may have misunderstood. There is no transition in plot, she's on an aeroplane with someone sat next to her (even you admit it, your suggestion as to how it should be changed has exactly the same meaning), I have no idea how this is confusing for you...

The introduction of the antagonist is abrupt, does not fit the style of the writing preceding or following, and it does not demonstrate coherence to the attempted plot.

It is a transitional point in the story as the story is set up to give the plotline "I am currently on an airplane seat, flying to Australia." which defines what could very well be the start of a non-transitioned plot to this story.

The story then goes on to states " Seems normal right? Wrong!" which defines a transition or plot twist. It is an extremely early, not very deep, but properly satisfying for the requirements of this story plot twist or transition.

The transition moves the plot into an entirely new direction by stating "I am beside you."

If she were to instead rewrite that section to state "We are currently on an air flying to Australia. Seems normal right? Wrong! You are having way too fun.", that would remove the issue entirely as well as clean up some other minorly questionable elements which I did not mention.

My original rewrite of "I am currently on an airplane seat, flying to Australia. Seems normal right? Wrong! You're sitting next to me." retains some of the minorly questionable elements, but it redefines the transition in a way that supports the rest of the writing style of the story as well as allows the introduction to be less abrupt.

But thank you for your attempt at clearing up your own misconception with my post, as it has allowed me to further clarify my remark. Constructive feedback of constructive feedback is always appreciated.

The frowning face of disappointment in abusing the frowning face of disappointment in a subject has a few words besides the mildly disappointed frown: "Pumpernickle sandwiches are not an acceptable form of royal rebuke, my child."

Actually, that may have been words that the frowning face of disappointment in abusing the frowning face of disappointment in a subject stole from this fellow:

[truthpick]

Ok ok. My English sucks, but it was never really meant to be a great work of art. It was just a dare/task I had to do. It was more about conveying my idea than writing it properly. I didn't edit nor proofread it. I was also distracted by being naked, edging after every paragraph and having clothespins on my nipples. I didn't expect to post it. I was just told to.

I'll be sure to get you to proofread my essays if I ever go back to school.

Make peace not war

[Master90]

Post the rest please

[forrest.livingston8]

Originally Posted by truthpick

Ok ok. My English sucks, but it was never really meant to be a great work of art. It was just a dare/task I had to do. It was more about conveying my idea than writing it properly. I didn't edit nor proofread it. I was also distracted by being naked, edging after every paragraph and having clothespins on my nipples. I didn't expect to post it. I was just told to.

Not a problem. When you asked if there was interest, I decided to show my interest by attempting to help you with constructive criticism. Seeing how you aren't looking for that, though, I'll merely just state that I found the story to be as enjoyable as most such stories, which is decently interesting.

Given your writing conditions, I'd say you deserve a reward from your master, which you surely got already.

Originally Posted by truthpick

I'll be sure to get you to proofread my essays if I ever go back to school.

You cannot afford the fee for my services in that regard. Not unless you can get your essays stuffed into erotica acceptable for posting on this site to trick me, ergo bypassing the requirements entirely.

...I'll be waiting for such trickery.