Fiction: Mystery Of The Folds

b00gity · 01-26-2011, 04:47 AM

Always enjoy writing so thought I would try one that (eventually) encorporates truth or dare for this forum. Two chapters are completed, with six total planned (though this may increase if I branch things out). Any feedback is appreciated.

Chapter One – Awakenings

Bob awoke in bed. Some bed for it was not his bed, he knew his bed. His bed was soft, luxurious, inviting like the inner thighs of a milky moon. This bed was hard, unyielding, like a chastity belt worn under skinny jeans. Trying to move gave Bob the first indications of his dire situation, his joints felt dislodged and his skin red raw as if he had been grated like a block of cheese. Bob tried to rub the sleep from his eyes to clear his vision but this only helped him feel the welts forming around his eyes. Vision had departed like a sorely mistreated friend, leaving no forwarding number to call and get back together.

Bob tried to survey his surroundings. To his left he saw a blurry object that sort of looked like that other blurry object to his right. Come to think of it, this whole (room?) looked like a Gerhard Richter photograph. He wasn't going to get anywhere looking, instead he would need to look inside himself, trust his other instincts. His sense of smell provided no clues, just a steady mix of his own sweat and a musty dust-like smell of the patrolling dust bunnies. His taste was limited to the inside of his mouth, which tasted salty and acrid; his mouth was dry. Touch faired better than the other senses, allowing him to feel the hard bed and navigate his way off the bed to try to touch the edges of the photograph he was trapped within. Most surfaces felt rough to the touch. No curtains, fabrics or otherwise.

Further investigation helped Bob discover a door. He knew it was a door because it didn't feel like a window or wall, thus he had to surmise it was a door. This was further confirmed when he found the handle, turned the handle, and heard a creaking as the supposed door opened into another blurry photograph. This photograph was different, it was animated for a start. He could see a blurry object moving towards him. If Bob's subconscious could speak it would tell him that the velocity of this object was such that he better duck unless he wants to lose another few friends, namely brain cells one to thirty who were going to be throwing a party outside of his skull shortly. Unfortunately for Bob he was controlled by his (defunct) eyes and slow consciousness. Objects collided and Bob went out like a light, his body collapsing to the ground like a fat kid jumping on cake spillage.

---

Bob almost thought he heard someone talk. His mind deciphered “foolish man” but it could have been anything. Perhaps someone just wanted “mulish bran”, some kind of genetically mutated muesli dish high in fibre. His head had now joined forces with his brain in a disjointed masquerade of uniformity, one power, indefeasible by pain. What he felt was not what he thought he felt, for what he felt was pleasure, or the perceived notion of what pleasure would feel like if you could feel pleasure while in so much pain.

“Finally awake” spoke the voice ('Binary cake? I don't understand sums let alone cooking by binary'), “Do you feel this?” ('Can I peel this? I can barely see or move'). Slowly words formed together to make coherent sentences that matched what Bob's ears were hearing. “Yes that's right, lie back and enjoy it”. What was Bob enjoying he didn't know, nerve endings careered off on unknown paths, his brain was powerless. Slowly the feeling ended and the voice spoke again, fading away as if disappearing down a long tunnel, “One day you will be ready”. Bob returned to his brain and let the world fade away.

Daringguy18 · 01-26-2011, 06:24 AM

very interesting b00g u certaintly left me wating for mmore
nice story hope to see it continued'

pymani96 · 01-26-2011, 03:00 PM

I really like it. Please continue.
Pymani96

Memories for Life · 01-27-2011, 02:01 AM

Okay, b00gity, not only did you visit the acronym section of the pharmacy but you must have overdosed on the "be descriptive" pill!

It's always good to describe sensations and surroundings in a story but to do it in every sentence is overloading it! It seems like your trying too hard to show the reader how well you paid attention in English 101.

The story has good content and you've started with a good opening. Try to dial back the exuberant narration and just tell the story!

lilysmaster · 01-27-2011, 02:22 AM

Great start but as other have stated you have gone a little over board on description. So it is over explained and overwhelms most readers.

01-26-2011, 04:47 AM	#1
b00gity Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2011 Posts: 15	Mystery Of The Folds Always enjoy writing so thought I would try one that (eventually) encorporates truth or dare for this forum. Two chapters are completed, with six total planned (though this may increase if I branch things out). Any feedback is appreciated. Chapter One – Awakenings Bob awoke in bed. Some bed for it was not his bed, he knew his bed. His bed was soft, luxurious, inviting like the inner thighs of a milky moon. This bed was hard, unyielding, like a chastity belt worn under skinny jeans. Trying to move gave Bob the first indications of his dire situation, his joints felt dislodged and his skin red raw as if he had been grated like a block of cheese. Bob tried to rub the sleep from his eyes to clear his vision but this only helped him feel the welts forming around his eyes. Vision had departed like a sorely mistreated friend, leaving no forwarding number to call and get back together. Bob tried to survey his surroundings. To his left he saw a blurry object that sort of looked like that other blurry object to his right. Come to think of it, this whole (room?) looked like a Gerhard Richter photograph. He wasn't going to get anywhere looking, instead he would need to look inside himself, trust his other instincts. His sense of smell provided no clues, just a steady mix of his own sweat and a musty dust-like smell of the patrolling dust bunnies. His taste was limited to the inside of his mouth, which tasted salty and acrid; his mouth was dry. Touch faired better than the other senses, allowing him to feel the hard bed and navigate his way off the bed to try to touch the edges of the photograph he was trapped within. Most surfaces felt rough to the touch. No curtains, fabrics or otherwise. Further investigation helped Bob discover a door. He knew it was a door because it didn't feel like a window or wall, thus he had to surmise it was a door. This was further confirmed when he found the handle, turned the handle, and heard a creaking as the supposed door opened into another blurry photograph. This photograph was different, it was animated for a start. He could see a blurry object moving towards him. If Bob's subconscious could speak it would tell him that the velocity of this object was such that he better duck unless he wants to lose another few friends, namely brain cells one to thirty who were going to be throwing a party outside of his skull shortly. Unfortunately for Bob he was controlled by his (defunct) eyes and slow consciousness. Objects collided and Bob went out like a light, his body collapsing to the ground like a fat kid jumping on cake spillage. --- Bob almost thought he heard someone talk. His mind deciphered “foolish man” but it could have been anything. Perhaps someone just wanted “mulish bran”, some kind of genetically mutated muesli dish high in fibre. His head had now joined forces with his brain in a disjointed masquerade of uniformity, one power, indefeasible by pain. What he felt was not what he thought he felt, for what he felt was pleasure, or the perceived notion of what pleasure would feel like if you could feel pleasure while in so much pain. “Finally awake” spoke the voice ('Binary cake? I don't understand sums let alone cooking by binary'), “Do you feel this?” ('Can I peel this? I can barely see or move'). Slowly words formed together to make coherent sentences that matched what Bob's ears were hearing. “Yes that's right, lie back and enjoy it”. What was Bob enjoying he didn't know, nerve endings careered off on unknown paths, his brain was powerless. Slowly the feeling ended and the voice spoke again, fading away as if disappearing down a long tunnel, “One day you will be ready”. Bob returned to his brain and let the world fade away.

01-26-2011, 06:24 AM	#2
Daringguy18 Junior Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 21	hmm very interesting b00g u certaintly left me wating for mmore nice story hope to see it continued' __________________ Likes~anal semi publics cum underwear and wedgies limits~no family not to public not messy

01-26-2011, 03:00 PM	#3
pymani96 getDare Sweetheart Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: - Posts: 354	Pymani96@getdare I really like it. Please continue. Pymani96

01-27-2011, 02:22 AM	#5
lilysmaster getDare Sweetheart Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: In that there hole in the ground Posts: 439 Blog Entries: 8	Great start but as other have stated you have gone a little over board on description. So it is over explained and overwhelms most readers. __________________ *Tumblr - Ad - Fetlife* getDare Radio Thread Are you a story writer? Do you need someone to edit your stories? gD Editing Services Thread or PM me.

01-27-2011, 02:01 AM	#4
Memories for Life getDare Devil Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Jacksonville, FL Posts: 1,012	Okay, b00gity, not only did you visit the acronym section of the pharmacy but you must have overdosed on the "be descriptive" pill! It's always good to describe sensations and surroundings in a story but to do it in every sentence is overloading it! It seems like your trying too hard to show the reader how well you paid attention in English 101. The story has good content and you've started with a good opening. Try to dial back the exuberant narration and just tell the story!