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How to properly ask for intimate questions

Posted 09-15-2021 at 09:47 AM by Cassandra
Updated 09-15-2021 at 09:51 AM by Cassandra

Disclaimer: Without further knowledge, I consider any misbehavior based on lack of knowledge and awareness. For example, as an adolescence I ran up to every stranger on a meeting offering my hand immediately as they arrived, until someone educated me about the rudeness of that behavior. I just didn't know. And I still am educated on table manners on occasion.

Previously, I have written about Why I hate ASL - AgeSexLocation. But I have come to more insight what bothers me and how to fix it.

Also, a while ago, I have been consulted for advice how to phrase an ad in a respectful matter to those persons specifically excluded.

While there are plenty of reasons and topic to directly approach a stranger with, you might have experienced that sometimes a stranger or even a closer acquaintance uses a more careful approach, like

"Excuse me, may I ask you about ..."

or

"I have a delicate question to ask you. You don't have to answer. Please, nevermind if it is too intimate for you to answer."


Even on a sex date site, or a kinky site around the topic of BDSM like getDare, I still expect some respectful manners.
I expect people to not address anyone other than usual without mutual consent, like Mistress, Master, slave, slut, or any name calling.
I expect to be contacted with a reason, not just a
"Hi, how are you?",
or even worse
"hhru".

And I expect people establishing first contact and getting to know each other before asking intimate questions, or at least carefully ask them. I have gotten plenty of respectful messages anywhere and in any form, so I know this is possible.

So if you want to know about my genitals, my sex assignment at birth, my experiences in sex, or something alike, please be more respectful.

Please ask me if I even want to know personal information about you before throwing them in my face like a dick pic, but how about offering me the same personal information about you first? It helps me not feeling interrogated and judged.

Do you know scenes where a stranger approaches and asks:
"Who are you"?

If you think about it, how rude?! Why not much politely:

"Hello. My name is ... . May I know who you are? I'd like to check my suspicions that you are planning something with my property here. Would you like to tell me what you are doing here"?

Why do you want to know?
Out of curiosity? Well, why don't you ask plenty of other, less intimate questions first, if you are so curious, huh?

Honestly, why are you asking? Even if my doctor asked me about my sexual habits, I'd hope it might be helpful for treating my health issues. So I'd be much relieved if the dear doctor told me. It can be one simple sentence.

So why would you really want to know my age, sex, or location? Instead, how about a bit more information, like:

"Hello. I am ... years old. In my experience, a big age gap usually is an issue for a relationship. Since I am engaging with you mainly looking for a long-time partner, I might to confirm if you are in the age range of between ... and ... which I am looking for. Could you tell me, please"?

"I am also looking for someone not too far away so we can meet for real. I am located in the ... area. Could you tell me how close are you to that, please"?

For me, there's a big difference between general discrimination, treating people differently based on labels and attributes, and looking for a partner for romance, sex, partner relationship, or any mix of that. Everyone has preferences for partners. Ruling out people you don't want to have sex or romance with is no discrimination. No need to feel guilty or be ashamed of that. Just be courageous to be honest here.

So coming back to your preferences and communicating them honestly without offending any minority, you might write for example:

"My limits are any men, any partners with penises, and any partners not being assigned the female sex at birth for whatever reasons." (besides other limits)

I don't even need any reasons for your limits. They are your limits for romance and sex, harming your consent whenever they are broken. You much more become aware of them, how they are and eventually change. You don't actually pick them by reason.

It would be discrimination if these limits applied to simple human communication, contact, or interaction, though. So just make sure to distinguish.

Ruling out certain people might offend them anyway, but that's always the case with any rejection. That doesn't mean it's anything to blame you for. Treat others like you like to be treated: you want others to communicate if they potentially engage with you or not, and to be honest and stay respectful.

And let's talk about the difference of justified offense due to lack of respect and people's own fucking feelings they are 100% responsible themselves to get along with while they are totally respected as they are.

Please have patience with people who don't know good manners yet. Let's educate them step by step. If they bother you too much at once, remember you have friends to support you, and ignore/block and report tools to protect yourselves, not only here on getDare.
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