I must say I completely agree! As a sub, wasting your Dom's time should be illegal, and made punishable by 3 days in a cage, no movement. But that's my opinion Then again, if you're wasting your Dom's time and not submitting, you're just disgracing the name of "sub". If its not right for you, either talk to the Dom, break it off and find someone who will make it right, or decide you're not ready for a Dom and stay Masterless for a while until you decide what you actually want from life

@kittenlyss: I am intrigued. I am actually being good and doing my work first, before I start coloring

@ NLG: Still anticipating a good read. And I decided to direct my energy to my own little project as well (although I ought to be doing chores)

Haha, my next one is on a task, not on this stuff, I just meant I should perhaps direct my energies towards my own writing projects rather than fling it all into comments on someone else's blog.

@NLG: My instinctive response to the idea of a formal contract is "absolutely no," but I have seen some who keep that contract as a dynamic, almost living thing. Basically, a document that they can update at will. And, some people seem to need that formality.

Also, yes, I'm totally with you on it being easier to send a note about things vs. actually mentioning them in conversation. I've actually gone so far as to write a note in my journal and then drop hints to him that he should check the journal for updates.

I still have to check my rules for what plug I'm supposed to use after rolling for 1-7. For a task that I do nightly. I have a terrible memory. So, yeah, it's really important for me to have all that stuff not just written down, but on tap. Because otherwise I would only do half of what he said.

Also, yay for new NLG blog upcoming.

I typed too long and missed your new comment - I keep all that stuff saved in my email account too, although I have our 'wish list' of toys and a list of...'memorable' quotes from my Dom written in a journal I, more often than I'd like to admit, sometimes need to go back and look up what I'm actually supposed to do for that task, or what did we say I was doing for training now?, etc.

@kittenlyss: While formal, written contracts aren't my personal preference, I agree that the expectations and desires should be clearly laid out from the start and revisited as necessary. If a relationship cannot be dynamic it is likely to crack. And I feel the same way as you, and tend to work my thoughts and feelings out best in writing much of the time. Reports have saved me that way, and then my Dom still knows what the heck is going on with me. It is still nerve-wracking sometimes to tell him certain things, even though I trust him completely and he has a phenomenal track record right from the start, so you aren't alone in that. Sometimes just getting it all down as accurately as I can and making myself click the 'send' button is easier than trying to pull my thoughts together in a live chat (although those are good too).

@Wardell: I am deeply grateful for the communication between us. I agree that at the very, very least one ought to keep their partner reasonably updated with what is going on with their side of the relationship, and not just walk away out of the blue - that's basic courtesy, and I would hope that if one is in a relationship that one would care about the other person at least enough to not simply abandon their partner out of comfort and convenience.

One of the concerns I have about M/s is that, with a few excellent exceptions, I have often seen it degraded into the 'master' being self-entitled and bossy while the 'slave' expects and is expected to be on standby for the 'master's' use and abuse - and not in a good way. Communication is reduced to the demands of one, at best trust is assumed to just materialize at some point, and no one considers the significant responsibility involved because all they want is that out-of-context fantasy to be at hand. Subs are people too and actually do have thoughts, feelings, desires, needs, goals, and an existence apart from the almighty and infallible 'master'. It is good, wonderful, fucking fantastic used, abused, owned, enslaved, objectified, made the dom/me's toy, plaything, etc. in the proper context of mutual trust and respect. Because in that context, it all takes on a whole new realm of meaning. Without it, that power play, as my Dom said, is abusive...I would say a flat-out abusive indulgence of selfish, childish fantasy...and frankly a poor excuse for D/s.

And now I'm going to quit ranting and go work out my apparently very strong feelings on this today on my own blog...

@Wardell - Everything you said. That's the reason I write stuff down. When I'm in the moment, I usually can't answer a question well, if at all.

And, instead of an actual contract, I keep an e-journal that Almost has access to with separate notes for my Likes/Limits and in betweens, our current rules, my fantasies, toy list, wish list, any reports or important conversations. And a special one for my favorite Almost quotes. So, while we have no official contract, I have our discussions saved from when we agreed to serve each other (yes, he's my dom, but I see that as an awesome service that he's doing for me ).

@naughtylittlegirl is bang on the money when she talks about communication being key. And it's not the first time she's written about this. I know it can happen that people 'drift' apart sometimes, but often that is a direct result of not communicating any longer - in fact taking each other, or one taking the other, for granted.

Communication also means checkups on a regular basis. And if, as a result of those checkups, one party expresses the view that they're losing their passion, or commitment to the other, at least you know what's going on, and it can end in an adult way with the other party not being left to wonder what the hell happened when their partner disappeared. Dom or sub, that has to leave a scar of one size or another on their emotions.

If the sub is too scared to raise the fact they're unhappy, I have to wonder about the relationship in the first place. It certainly wasn't based on open communication and understanding. As far as I can see there is an assumption, within at least part of the D/s family, that dominating a sub has to involve aggression and force. That's not a relationship, that's schoolyard bullying or worse - it's akin to domestic violence and in most cases isn't something the average sub would've signed up for. If the case of simply walking or running away happens under these circumstances, then I'm glad, because it shouldn't have been a relationship in the first place. As a sub, if your wants and needs are such that you simply crave abuse without care, then you might well stay in a relationship without communication, but I'd like to think that's the exception rather than the rule. Powerplay and control without care and the willingness to listen to the sub is just another form of abuse, and shouldn't be tolerated by a sub who doesn't want that as a kink.

Oops... sorry. I ranted again didn't I? I'll climb down off my soapbox now...

@kittenlyss - Writing out your thoughts and feelings - and then editing them afterward so your words give the truest explanation of the issues from your point of view - can be the best form of letting someone know what the problem is. This is especially true when you want to be able to say it without getting choked up by emotion, letting anger drive what you're saying, or need time to even sort out what it is you're feeling.

As for contracts... I deal in contracts every day in RL.... I hate contracts.

I've read that some D/s couples reevaluate their relationship at set intervals. In my opinion, this is the strongest argument for a contract to be written up for the relationship. It's a chance for each side to set out what they are looking for. And something to look back at so that when you feel the need for less, more, or just different, you have framework already set out.

I think the hardest thing for me is when I know I need something but haven't figured out what and then I get frustrated. I guess it would depend on the problem though. I also struggle with speaking up when I'm feeling neglected. I should just stop being so needy. For me, the best way of letting it out is to sit down and take a day or two to journal about how I'm feeling. Then I just have to make myself share it with my dom. But letters are pretty much my go-to method of handling emotionally charged conflicts.

I agree that if the master/dom is being manipulative like that it is best for the sub to walk away - what I wanted to know is what you think should happen in a good relationship, how can those difficulties be dealt with so that it doesn't come to someone walking away? Because from some of your comments it sounds like you might think that people ought to just give it whirl and if doesn't work, oh well, just up and leave the person without actually trying to deal with those problems - but I am guessing (and hoping) that you have some ideas on how communication about problems and difficulties in a relationship can be handled well.

Do you think that perhaps if someone is not getting what they want out of the relationship, there should be some communication about that first? And if so, I am interested to hear how you think that ought to be handled in a master/slave relationship.

There are many places for chocolate in this world, but cake is not the best place for it. I agree with Popscorn, I like vanilla cake better too :P

Actually, The Ferret wrote a really awesome post on FL about being vanilla. Vanilla is pretty delicious too.

Yes yes you can. Even though it almost gets me tied up at the stake every time though.

Wait , can you use those 2 words in a sentence together?

But I don't like Chocolate...

There is no Vanilla cake in the BDSM world

i agree, it should be a two way street, The whole I'm done got what I wanted from you thing isn't the way to go. Seen it happen though so guess some people disagree.

Why can't it be vanilla cake this time?

@Sweetea: I'm all giggidy that chocolate cake on the bread shelf is being re-used. I <3 your face. :*

"choice to say. I am done and to walk away with the experience that you did learn."
This sounds so wrong to me. Imagine being with a sub for half a year. Then he/she comes to you. Yup im done with you. Bye Bye.
Thats NOT how it should be.

And also I still think you should do an ad. but thats just your chocolate cake in the bread shelf.

Maybe he's afraid of sweet things

Or you could try something different and produce interesting content. I think this is cool.