The Giant Guide to the S/M Area

[Star Shadows]

Giant guide to the S/m Area.

This is not an expansive list of everything that is common but it is extensive. It is going to be a somewhat lengthy thread so while I’d like to think people will read all of it i am not that deluded. Because of thread I will include post number(or get a mod to once its all up) so you can skip to those if you want to. This here is the biiig thread to help you know all you want to know about the S/m Area in all its glory. I will be going through a few key points and will add anything else that you are confused about if you ask or PM me.

The different sections in this thread:

Uses, meanings and what belongs in them
How to/ and not to make an ad
How to/ and not to respond to an ad.
Safety
Misconceptions
addressing some simple safety issues and common misconceptions about BDSM
Some threads that might help you
Nifty information and clever threads that will make stuff easier for you

So I hope you find this thread helpful
Created by star shadows (April 2011) and in parts philosophical and Lady Celeste.
Edited and checked by Philosophical and others.
Supported by Rachie

[Star Shadows]

The different sections

Many people seem to have a lot of problems with understanding what goes in which thread in the SM area and what they are there for. So in this section I will go over what the section, and the area itself is used for.

The S/m area:
This is the main section that you come across when you click the link of the main page. This main area is where you will find all the adverts for people who are searching for a dominant (master) or a submissive (slave) and where you too can post an advert searching for a submissive (providing that you are over the age of 18 otherwise it is naughty). As mentioned a second ago posting in this section is only possible for members whose accounts are registered as 18 or over. Otherwise you will simply receive this message
“getDare Forum Message
you must be at least 18 years old to post in the slave/master section”
You may only post one new thread per 30 days in this section. Accidental double posts or double threads will be deleted or locked by getDare staff. Repeatedly posting the same thread or reply will result in a ban.
Rules can be found >> here: http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=19319

Top Advertisements
This section is where all the super dooper epically awesome ads go; and where you should aspire to be. The best advertisements in the regular S/M advertisements section will be picked out by getDare staff and moved to this forum. You may PM Leopard with a link to someone else's ad for consideration if you feel it specially deserves the attention. While the option to post “new thread” is there still you will receive an infraction for doing so.

S/M Lounge:
The S/M lounge is for anything like asking for advice, discussing techniques, roles and rules. Here you’ll find things like the advice thread, databases of kinks, threads informing you on roles and expectations (like the how not to be a dumbinant thread) and basically anything and everything to do with s/M that doesn’t fit in the other sections. However you should NOT post ads, stories, or dare/task/punishment requests in here there are specific places for these.
Specific rules this section can be found here >> http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=21399
while general posting rules can be found here>> http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=29353
Again DO NOT post adverts here: take heed of the fact that you see ads in the s/M area and follow their lead. The 12159 threads and counting that are in that section are NOT the ones that are wrong.

SM Blog
Simple enough 18+ Section for linking OR posting S/M related blogs. All content MUST be your own. Examples of what you can do here include slave journals, tutorial blogs, etc.

Post Punishments and Ideas:
This section is where you can post any ideas you have for tasks and punishments for slaves/submissives ideas should be well thought out, and of a reasonable length- do not post 3 lines worth and dump it there. It is full of lots of useful (and some downright silly/dangerous/moronic) ideas if you’re ever lost for a plan. This section is NOT for requesting punishments (see below for requesting tasks or punishments.

Request punishments and ideas:
This section really is as simple as its title suggest. It is where you post asking for punishments or ideas. Note that the more detailed are in your initial title and thread; then the more likely you are to quickly receive relevant responses that you can actually use.

Some final notes on age!
As mentioned before ads can only be posted by members who are over 18. However posting in the other sections is open. The age of this section is largely over 18 due to legalities- In MOST countries the participation in BDSM is restricted to +18 to correspond with the possession, creation and purchasing of pornographic materials. You may think it’s silly but it is the law and some places actually see participation from the point of view of a dom as a form of assault and a submissive as aiding and abetting in assault. * This is why the moderation is so strict on in this matter. Just because you are able to post in the lounge as a 13-17 year old; DOES NOT mean that this is where you can post looking for dominant/master/submissive or slave. It’s still breaking the rules and the law to post there and speaking from experience it isn’t really worth it.

*BDSM practices are still restricted legally in countries worldwide, and prosecutions are on
the increase in the US (Ridinger, 2006). In the UK Spanner case (Regina vs. Brown, 1990),
sixteen men were charged. The Judge (Mr. James Rant, QC) declared that consent was not
an eligible defence and the defendants had to plead guilty and serve prison sentences either
for assault or, in the case of the ‘bottoms’, for ‘aiding and abetting an assault’.

Kinky clients, kinky counselling? The challenges and
potentials of BDS http://oro.open.ac.uk/17272/2/4AD665D2.pdf

[Star Shadows]

How to/ not to make an ad:

In this section I aim to give you some information on the do’s and don’ts of making an ad in the s/M area, while it is relatively simple so many people get it oh so woefully wrong. You want to make yourself look clever and attractive to potential partners not like someone who has the intellectual and linguistic talents of a rusty spoon.

The first point for this to note is that you have to fill your thread with lots of lovely detail. Explain yourself and explain your explanations of yourself. Tell them, who you are, what you want, what you have to offer and how to contact you. Anything and everything they need to know to make a valuable first impression about you- because at the end of the day that is the one that sticks. If people look at your ad and see that you have only gave it a half arsed attempt then they are not going to want to reply because they will think that you are not taking it at all seriously and that you don’t care enough to be worth their while.

Do not fall among the lowly low ranks of this member who for many people has went down in getDare history- for an ad that amounted to all of 3 words. That’s right THREE WORDS.

24/M/US/Master seeks F/Slave (have webcam)
Webcam / cam required.

It is not successful, or clever. ** This member suffered a catastrophic error in judgement in posting this advertisement and his example should not be followed. Read on to find out how to avoid making errors of an equally monumental proportion.

It is also important to remember however that moderation is as important if not more important that detail. While people will not take any notice of a half line ad (other than to take the piss out of it- unless it’s a girl but they all get spammed.) They equally do not want to read reams upon reams of stuff. You have to moderate so you have just enough information but not too much that people lose interest.

AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT NOT TO DO

This is bobs ad:
19/male/USA slave seeks 18-24/ female/any location master
19/male/USAslave seeks 18-24/ female/any location master
[email protected]

There are many main problems with this ad- other than the obviously made up email address for people to contact him on which was made up just for this example

The first problem we see is this user has posted no information about himself. at the very least he should have included a list of his likes limits and dislikes, along with availability for cam and other details which people look at when they are searching. If he really wanted to push this add into an upper level he should also have included information on what his personal availability is like, and his personality as a submissive and as a person on the whole.
There is also an issue in that this user has not posted any additional information in what they are looking for other than the bare minimum that is required as the title. An ad looks better when it goes into more information as to who they are looking for- what likes they should have, what their mentality is like etc

We are also not directly told how we should contact this member- while it is assumable that he wants us to send him an email he does not state what should be in this email or if this is in fact what he wants us to do with his address.


So when making an advert be detailed and use the tools at your disposal. (Spell checkers, threads, stickies, and top ad section) to make sure that your ad is the best it can be: so it will draw people in. Though of course this isn’t everything posting your advert in the right section- rather than in the lounge, s/m lounge or blog is very much an advantage. At least that way people will find you and you don’t look silly before you’ve even started.


Patience is also very much a virtue in the grand scheme of getting a submissive/dominant/slave/master (sadism) - competition is tough and it isn’t always going to be easy finding someone (unless you’re a sexy ass 18-24 year old female) You are not the only one out there looking and you will have to accept that as much as it may suck you may not get lucky right away, or even 4th or 5th time. There are surplus amounts of male members so lots of male masters (even more male subs) and very few committed female submissives/mistresses that are actually female and are serious about a relationship.... let alone the trouble of finding one who matches what you want and want you are offering. Jeebees it’s a jungle out there.

** sourced from a link posted here. http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=5193

[Star Shadows]

How to/ and not to apply to an ad.

God forbid you actually find someone you want to take on as a dominant or a submissive you then have the traumatic task of going and applying to their thread! This is the in many cases the first chance you will have to talk to a potential sub, dom slave or master (sdsm) surely because of this you should give it a little more time than it would take to write your email address in a box.

Originally Posted by ______

hi, im from Indonesia and would like to be your slave

ym: (edited to preserve dignity)

Originally Posted by __________

Fill this:
________________

Originally Posted by ___________

I'm a hot 21 year old guy. (edited to preserve dignity) on skype or (edited to preserve dignity)@gmail.com :P

The truth is that things like these which are genuine examples from the forums are not good enough and they will very rarely be successful- in many cases only having the effect of giving other users a laugh.

To make a successful response you have to give a response that is good enough to get you noticed and tell people why they should want what you have. This again has similar problems to actually making a thread. With so many voices shouting to be noticed you have to be a cut above the rest. So again you have to be detailed, interesting and brief (all in one go- we have such high expectations) check out Smile’s* post on replying to ads here for some help on this.

Ideally your responses should not only match the person who you are replying to but should be detailed about yourself- including more than just your age gender and physical appearance. So for example- your likes, limits, dislikes, personalities, which bits of their ad you are and aren’t a match for- things that make it look like you care.

Yes this might be hard work but face it- if you can’t be bothered to put the effort in to make a decent response why should people give you the benefit of the doubt to think that you will put in enough effort to be a match for them.

There are some key things to remember here too- When making an add CHECK BEFORE RESPONDING!!!! for the love of God, nothing makes you look like more of an idiot than responding to threads that are months and months old with banned or inactive members, searching for a Dom and you responding as a submissive, replying to a thread that says the person has already found their match, or replying in the wrong method (ie- reply in the thread when it clearly says respond in a PM)These things are simple cases of reading (or) following instructions- it isn’t that hard. It makes you look like an arrogant jackass so read first then post.

Along similar lines also: READ the thread FULLY before you even think about responding. So many people simply see the relevant age or gender and blanket respond to any and all that match on these two grounds alone. This again makes you look like an arrogant asshat so in the nicest way possible don't do it. Make sure that you respond only to people that you would actually want to become involved with. Where is the point in responding to or for example an 18/f submissive who are looking for a 21/m master with limits of pain and scat, when you are a 19/m master whose two main likes are in their limits? If you and all others only apply to their ads then wouldn’t life be SOO much easier- not as many voices shouting.


* Smile's thread http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=22904

[Star Shadows]

Safety

Personal details
Being safe is soo much to do with common sense but again it is something that many people struggle with so here are a few simple points.
personal details

Bandit|Queen makes an incredibly good thread about this so for good measures I will post this here too http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=13227 and it is really worth a read but like so much of this stuff it really is just common sense. Do not give anyone your address, phone number, surname or any personal information to anyone unless you know that they are someone that you can trust. It is so easy these days to find information about someone so even the smallest piece of information may result in someone knowing more than you want them to. Always be cautious.

limits
limits are very important in all we do regarding s/m and dares. They draw a line that others know not to cross. It acts as a safety shield from things that we are scared of, or unwilling to do. While it can be as simple and generic as ‘illegal, family and permanent’ or they can go into more depth but please please do not under estimate their importance.

Also it is important to know the difference between a hard limit and a soft limit. Many people do not know, or refuse to acknowledge the difference in these two limits.

Soft limits: Now to me a “soft” limit (still resent that term but can’t come up with a better one…) is something that not only I dislike or hate but that makes me very uncomfortable for various reasons. Those are activities that are most likely to make me feel bad after performing them & can have negative effects on me either short-term or long-term.

Personally, I believe that if those were to be bent it always should be discussed between a Master & a slave no matter the situation, be it a punishment or just “play”…

Hard limits: Well, I don’t think I need to elaborate much on this one. I think for most it means something that a slave will not do under any circumstance & that those should always be respected.

** taken from chloe’s thread for ease and to be worked on here.

This is very much the case, while soft limits are called soft limits they are still very important- they are limits that someone still feels uncomfortable doing and usually have substantial negative emotions and responses after doing it. They should be approached with caution, but the main difference is- unlike hard limits- they can be approached. But slowly, with a lot of time, when the submissive or slave is ready to face them.

But I cannot mention enough how paramount it is to stand by your hard limits, and be cautious with soft limits. You should understand that no-one can force you to do something that is against your limits.

Also REMEMBER! REMEMBER REMEMBER limits are not set in stone, and when you first talk to someone they could tell you that their limits are x y and z this doesn’t mean that those are the only limits they have, people forget things, or in their rush to put one in side track another, or they grow and change their limits for example, they may once have had pain as a limit but after having had time to reflect and grow as a person found that they actually enjoy the idea of spanking and biting. This doens’t mean that they have lied or done you some great misdeed it just means that they have grown as a person.But this works both ways also remember that you are entitled to add limits based on experiences. Limits likes dislikes and such are not set in stone and are not something that should only be asked on once.

safewords
Safewords are a key part of safety in BDSM A safe word is a powerful indication given by a submissive or a slave (‘bottom’) when a boundary, be it physical, emotional or psychological (etc) has been crossed- and should act as an alarm bell to any dominant/ master/ mistress top whatever worth their salt that play has to stop right then right there so that a problem can be addressed. Those who practice the more permissive risk-aware consensual kink may abandon the use of safewords, especially those that practice forms of edgeplay or extreme forms of dominance and submission. In such cases, the choice to give up the use of safe words is a consensual act on the part of the bottom or submissive. it is not the dominant who would make this choice.

This is entirely different from a ‘bottom’ showing reluctance by saying “no no i don’t wanna”- it is an indication that something has gone wrong, and that by continuing you would be recklessly endangering the emotional, physical, or psychological health of a ‘bottom’ not to mention, not to mention shattering the trust that you have with them.

Safe words should not be something that a submissive is willing to say as an excuse but should be something that is easily remembered. For example; a word that they despise, something that they fear, or a food that they hate,- generally speaking a word that is not spoken during this kind of scene- for example Oklahoma, red or clowns. Importantly, also make sure that it is understood that they will not be punished for using their safe word, only for misusing it to manipulate the play session.

Also please remember that while"Ouch" is not a safeword, anything that says "Help", "Stop", "Damn", "Shit" or "Fuck (off)" should be taken seriously and cause for you to think if not stop all together. Even if it isn’t the agreed safe word as there is a chance if the submissive has begun to panic that they wont remember the safe word. Also use common sense if a submissive says something like “I can’t breathe” it would tend to be a good idea to STOP- considering breathing is pretty darn important. *

If a safe word is used in play, everything stops, no matter what, ie) unbound, toys off or out, position dropped. This means that you have a chance to stop, talk things over and find out what went wrong, and above all else calm them down and make sure that they are ok. Chances are that if a ‘bottom’ was still bound and blindfolded with x y and z going on they would not be able to calm down properly and tell you what is going on. Once matters are cleared up then and only then can you discuss the possibility of picking up the play again, or leaving it for the time being.

However it is not just the ‘bottom’ who can use this safe word. It may also be the place of the top if a bottom is continuously behaving in an inappropriate way in order to gain a punishment. and would act as a window for the top to address this issue. Or it can be used by a third party person who has noticed something dangerous that is going on or spotted something that the dominant has not noticed- for example biological changes to a bottom like discolouration of the limbs, or a negative reaction that has gone ignored or unnoticed.

*some points adapted from http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=38316

[Star Shadows]

Trust
Trust key in any relationship- BDSM is no different- It is a fundamental two way link between the top and the bottom and in its core it is the glue holding it together. If you do not have a foundation of trust then there isn’t much you really do other than a superficial label and someone mindlessly calling you some meaningless title.

So yay its awesome you have a dom, or a sub- but if they cannot trust you as far as you could throw a herd of elephants then what does that really mean in the long run? You have to make sure that the person you enter a relationship with is someone that you could see yourself trusting.

Notice that I didn’t say it was someone you could trust 100% straight from the off. If you are looking for someone who you can trust, or who could trust with your life after one play session, then honestly you are deluding yourself. you need to wake up and smell the coffee- People so often have came to me confused that their submissive doesn’t trust them fully yet and they do not know what to do, when in fact they have not been in a relationship long enough for trust to have developed. TRUST DOES NOT COME QUICKLY OR EASILY.

It is important to remember that trust is not something that is bought, it has to be earned. Trust is earned only by repetitive play, not pushing limits entirely off the deep end, and talking with the person in a non D/S way. It can only be earned through time and is not expected to be earned right away.*

While trust is hard to build it is ever so easy to destroy and incredibly hard to repair, if you do something that breaks a submissives (or a slave/ dom/ master or even a vanilla friend) trust then it will take ever so much work to earn it back and it will be almost impossible to fully rectify because there will always at the back of their mind be that knowledge and doubt that if you have done it once are you capable of doing it again.

A dom must not only give his/her submissive the grounds to trust him/her, but they must also trust their slaves to WANT to please them, trust that they will in time grow to trust you more. So all in all what i am trying to say here in a roundabout way is that trust is ever so important in the relationship, building trust should be any couples first goal to start working towards before they begin to push on to other things.
*thanks lady c for wording that in a more coherent manner than i managed to

Bondage
When engaging in bondage that includes sexual elements, all of the common sense rules of sexual intimacy apply. This is particularly important in bondage scenarios where complexity demands that there is a lot of touching of various places on the body; this applies both to the person submitting to the bondage and the person carrying it out.


Escalate slowly. There is no rule that when experimenting with a new partner that you must immediately jump to employing the most complex and challenging elements of bondage. It is important that, even if you have a large amount of prior experience with others, you start at the beginning with your activities and build up from there. The reaction of your partner will help you determine how fast you can escalate the complexity of the bondage with some allowing you to progress to harder challenges in a matter of days, and some requiring many weeks, or possibly months. Be well aware that just because a former partner reacted in a certain way to a certain activity there is no guarantee that the same reaction will occur with a different partner.

Be aware that a person’s physical limits of endurance may be surpassed by their physical limits. With higher level bondage, and in particular edge play, there is always the possibility that while the submissive may have the mental will-power to push through the pain, the root cause of that pain may be inflicting actual damage upon them and in suppressing their instinctive reaction of stopping the pain they could be allowing that damage to worsen. The dominant partner should always seek to prevent a submissive from exceeding their physical limits, and be willing to use their control to step in and stop the scene regardless of their submissives willingness to continue.

Another important aspect to be aware of is numbness of the limits, specifically at points where bindings are being used to restrict movement, such as with the tying of the arms or legs. While bindings should prevent the submissive from being able to escape they must retain enough flexibility that they can manoeuvre their limbs enough to encourage blood flow. This is particularly prevalent when binding locations such as the hands as should they go numb a person would find themselves unable to use them with their normal dexterity due to lack of the touch sensation.*

* thank you philosophical for writing this bit for me, makes my life sooo much easier.



Honesty about health and illness.
This is something that isn’t often mentioned I find but it is actually very important. As a submissive you have to be, to an extent, honest about any health problems or illnesses that you have which may impact on your play. A dominant should ask you first- but they are not psychic. You too are responsible if you do not tell them.

When I say illness and health issues this can be anything from a knock on the head that has caused impaired vision, balance or judgement, or an allergy- and to extreme cases, epilepsy, and diabetes or heart problems. To some this may seem like an invasion of personal space however it is for your/their own safety.

A dominant/ master/ mistress need to know about these things so they do not inadvertently cause a damage or negative reactions in the things that they do.

[Star Shadows]

Misconceptions

There are a lot of misconceptions within the world of BDSM- it is often very badly misunderstood or badly taught meaning a lot of people (especially the newer ones coming into the lifestyle)and it causes a lot of people to be hurt. So I really want to clear some of these up.

*Slave/ submissives are interchangeable
Ok so this is something I picked up on after listening to one of Lady Celeste’s gDradio segments, (the recording of which can be found in the footnote of this section*), and something that had frustrated me for a long time. Many people think that a slave is a submissive and a submissive is a slave. This for the most part is not the case and there are some key differences. And I am actually going to link for you the post that Lady C used here as well as it works well for what we are doing here too. Many people on the adverts (and the ads preformed title layout and drop downs do not help this at all) say that they are seeking a slave when they are actually seeking a submissive, and vice versa without really knowing the difference between the two.

A submissive maintains the right to chose who they are a submissive to, when and to what extent, and when they chose to opt out of submission- they seek a more casual relationship and still keep a lot of their rights.

Contrastingly a slave seeks to be someone’s property. They seek to be fully owned by someone, and as is put by the yahoo subs vs. slaves thing “They have no freedoms, they have no rights. They are nothing more than a piece of property to be used at their Master or Mistress' whim.” Essentially the submissive maintains more distance and more freedom that a slave does.

Please know the difference as you may end up signing up to something that you do not intend on being involved in. But i am going to leave this about here on this particular misconception because Lady Celeste tackles this in a far superior way.
* BDSM Submissive VS. Slave: Is There a Difference?
http://www.associatedcontent.com/art...g2.html?cat=72
** Lady C’s radio segment. http://www.filedropper.com/smnight5411


*Subs are weak/worthless
this is a misconception that i see far too often- far far too often, and I think a one that I may have combated before, or have seen combated. Many “masters” (dumbinants - [Anjelens name for bad doms]) seem to believe that people who chose to be submissive or who are slaves or submissives are weaker than they are- but i can’t find where. Just because you chose to submit that does not make you week or worthless-

In many aspects they are the opposite of weak. Submitting in many ways goes very much against human nature and it takes a lot of strength to go against this, especially when you put on top of this the factor that it often leads to behaviours that would go against human nature. It takes a deal of strength to trust yourself enough to submit, to trust that your respective dominant or submissive will not hurt you, and to trust them enough to lay yourself and your behaviour before them in what can at time feel like a very vulnerable way.

An article I read actually worded this misconception in a very insightful way - while it was found by chance.
“So now I know it's not about abuse. It's not about weakness. It's about being strong enough inside to trust that I can put aside power for awhile and get it back when I'm ready.”
and again we see in a later article from another source that this view can be substantiated,
“Submission is about knowing who you are, and what you want. A submissive is NOT a weak person, but just the opposite. She is strong. She is strong in herself, and in the knowledge of who she is. She NEVER submits out of weakness or desperation. She submits out of strength, love, and trust.” **

So you can see that while a submissive chooses to give up their control to someone else this does not mean that they are weak or compromised. While you submit you break down a lot of pre-existing barriers within yourself and it in honesty takes a great deal of strength to do this.

*http://cinfularticles.blogspot.com/2...-not-weak.html
**http://www.tiedmoments.com/submission/submission.htm

*Subs/slaves are bad if they make mistakes
Right- plain and simply- Submissives/ Slaves are humans. Humans are essentially flawed being. That means they make mistakes. Just because a they make a mistake does not mean that they are bad, Mistakes are going to be made (especially if you’re new and just getting used to it)

As a dom you need to understand that making a mistake and deliberate disobedience are totally different. they are soooo different. You should NOT be punishing your submissive simply because they have made a mistake.

Submissives out there you need to know that if you have a dom that is punishing you for every little mistake (remember mistakes not deliberate disobedience- not giving you an excuse for that just yet) then it may be best for you to try talking it over with them and if the situation does not improve leave- because, at the end of the day you deserve better than that.

[Star Shadows]

* Subs and slaves cannot say no
This is wrong wrong wrong. Never let someone tell you that you do not have the right to say no because it is simply not true. If someone is pushing you into doing something that you do not want to do then explain this to them, in a rational way, that you are not comfortable doing or for whatever reason you do not what to do it. If they keep pushing and keep pushing then you can walk away.- You should walk away.

At the end of the day you have a right to say no regardless of if you’re a submissive or a slave, guy or girl. You always have the right to say no. ALWAYS. Especially if what you are being ‘asked’ to do pushes your out of your comfort zone or goes towards breaking your limits.

* A submissive should submit to all dominants just because they are submissive
Ok this is one that I come across a lot, personally and otherwise. Many dominants have been surprised when I have refused to call them Master or Mistress- and I'm not talking about my own either, Total strangers. Guess what guys it makes you look like a jerk who is trying to over compensate.

A submissive/ slave should not have to show loyalty or submission to anyone other than their own dominants. Making your sub/ slave call someone else a master or mistress despite them not being in control of them is not right. You shouldn't have to show that kind of respect, or follow the rules or instructions of someone else. If a dom tries to make you do this, politely question why.

This works the same for people who send me messages like “what right do you have to tell me i am wrong” A genuine message sent to me on the grounds that I was a submissive. Look- If you’re wrong you’re wrong. A submissive doesn’t have to sit back and let you be wrong just out of respect. Just as a submissive can still tell you you’re being a jerk if this is the case- regardless of being submissive.

*“IM A MASTER”
This one; and the next three are probably the ones that will piss the newer ‘masters’ off. This misconception is largely based on the 18/19 whatever people who are just starting out in the lifestyle and, without any research or experience claim to be a master. No, just No, A master isn’t just something you can be straight away. Certainly not without educating yourself a little first. Not to mention that the title master is a title that you earn- so no. you’re 18, brand new with no knowledge to back up that you do. You are not a master, not even close. You are not.

Looking at the definition of a master- even in general terms we see this “Master, noun. A person whom has taken an art-form and developed his or her skills in it to such a level that they are well respected by their peers for their skills and abilities.” It is clear that that you don’t just hit 18 and have a trigger flicked inside you and hey presto you’re a dom. You need to invest effort into training yourself and educating yourself to the necessary skills that you need to rightfully call yourself a master. This is no different if you want to call yourself a master or a mistress in terms of BDSM, and the controlling of a submissive.

Something i found on another advice thread responding to a question similar to this issue concluded by saying this “Becoming a Master and a Mistress is a lot of work and requires a lot of time, it is NOT just giving orders to another.” * The point made here is extremely valid- if you do not put the time into it you are not going to become good at it over night. There isn’t a magic trick. Without time and hard work I’m sorry but you ain’t gunna cut it.

Being a master also involves a lot of self discipline, something that doesn’t just happen. Again it has to be developed, you have to be able to be disciplined enough in yourself to not do harm to others.
*http://en.allexperts.com/q/BDSM-2733/become-master.htm

-Just because you think you’re a good dom/master/slave/sub doesn’t mean you are one.
I have seen many people who have judged themselves see that they are amazing doms or masters or subs or slaves, when the fact of the matter is sometimes they really aren’t. To be honest it amuses me to no end. The truth here is that as lady C said (or will say if you’re yet to hear her show) If as a dominant you always have submissives block you, or reject your requests, or leaving without reason or notice, the chances are there is a reason for this. You need to look at what you are doing- be it pushing too hard, or challenging limits- and pick out what you are doing so wrong that gives them a reason to walk away. And seriously guys don’t just take a glancing blow and decide you can’t see anything. Self assessment is one of the best ways of getting better at something.

This works the same for submissives, if you are constantly being blocked, or a dom stops talking to you for no reason, or whatever- and things aren’t working out- look at why. Don’t just decide that the site or people on the site are awful and life hates you. Grow a pair and find out what it is that is causing them to leave and do something about it. It probably means that you aren’t as good as you think you are, that you’re doing something wrong and need to re-evaluate.

[Star Shadows]

Just because you think you know it all doesn’t mean you do.
Now this one... I have seen far too many times, so many times, it’s unreal. Seriously- and to be honest- you may think this seems sexist and i know it’s not always the case but the vast majority of the time, lads, it’s you who are caught short by this one. Especially the young ones trying to puff their chests out and seem big and strong.

The truth of the matter is no-one knows everything- and in reality no-one knows everything about BDSM- there is too much to know, and even more than can be known through individual differences. It is often found that those who know the most are those who admit to not knowing all of the answers

In addition: something i have said in my own threads and still tell people today when they ask me this same question “someone last night asked me if I thought he should read the threads in the s/M forums like this one, and the ones held in threads of note. So I put to you the same response as I told him.

"If you think that you are the perfect dominant then read the thread because there is a strong chance that you're not. If you know that you are flawed then read them to strive for perfection because you are never at a point in your life to stop learning, there will always be something new to learn, and the minute you stop shall be the minute the world as we know it stops, then you can learn about that.".*

If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them.
--Isaac Asimov

* what it means to be a master http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=47276
(not sure i need to cite myself but never mind)

*The master controls the relationship
This is something that a lot of submissives are taught to believe, or find themselves believing when they come onto the scene. I myself included at one point in my life- and plain and simple it is not true. The fact of the matter is that the submissive has more power than they think they do often. It is important that (specifically to submissives here) you never let yourself feel like you’re pushed into a corner- because at the end of the day even submissives have some control over the relationship.

remember that you (should) have a safe word that you can use, while you can’t really use this just because you don’t feel like it doesn’t mean that you have to sit by and do whatever your dom wants to you especially if you feel you are out of your depth or comfort zone.

Ask questions. Question your dom(me)/master/mistress, especially if you think something isn’t right, be diplomatic at first but make it obvious that you want answers- if they refuse insist. Do not make it clear that you are directly challenging their authority but make sure they know that you want answers.

Then if you really feel you have to submissives always has the right to walk away from a relationship. You do not have to stay in a relationship where you are not happy- the same with any relationship- no matter what the dom says. Though be reasonable with this- don’t threaten to walk whenever you get in trouble when it is actually justified, you will get a bad reputation.

* All s/M is sexual
This- plain and simple. Nope, not true. A relationship can go in whatever direction you want it to. Just because some people have a sexual relationship does not mean that you have to- there is plenty that can be done without sexual involvement.

* All s/M relationships are the same
Again this isn’t true. As with any relationship vanilla or otherwise the relationship is what you make it and you do not have to be the same as all the others. With so many types of submission and dominance it is unlikely that all relationships will be the same. It is really just a case of what you like rather than what other people say you should be, But no- not all relationships are the same. A relationship is far to dependant on likes, dislikes, hard and soft limits, along with personalities for this to be true.

* Receiving physical pain is a necessary part of submission
Not everybody enjoys pain as an aspect of their likes, either in submission or dares and that is ok. You do not have to accept any parts of s/m that you are not comfortable with- be it pain or another. So in short, No pain is not a vital part of submission- it would be simple enough to find others who do not like it either.

* Trust/Respect/Honesty only goes one way.
This misconception annoys me somewhat. A BDSM relationship is in many ways no different to a vanilla one or any others (though there are some obvious differences) Because of this: - trust, respect and honesty must all be two way factors in your relationship if you ever want it to succeed. If you do not trust and respect your submissive then they will not respect you and vice versa- and one of the fundamental corner stones of trust is honesty. So no they cannot be one way aspects of a relationship- at least not in a fully functioning friendship- even as far as friends are concerned.

*sub has no way to leave if the dom is being abusive.
This in most cases, obviously there will be some exceptions, but in most is untrue- even if it may not feel this way at the time. While i know the … pressure, and anxiety and … fear you can feel if you are in an abusive relationship can feel overwhelming but there are things you can do.

Assuming that you have tried and failed to talk to your dom and find a solution there are still things that you could do to help you get away but there are methods. One very important thing to make sure of though is that you have an element of social support.

This social support is very important when coming out of a relationships- especially an abusive one. It is important and often comforting to have someone to lean on. But it does help. But you do have the right to leave- just tell them straight in an email or on an instant message then walk away. Submission isn’t a legal contract they can’t make you stay.

* The dom can do anything they want to their sub-Subs/Slaves have no rights and are property to be treated however the dom sees fit
Ok this one we have all probably heard one time to many, and will continue to hear until they learn sense that slaves have no rights and the doms can do what they like. Well this isn’t true... in fact it’s a pile of bull really. The fact of the matter is that a submissive (and to an extent even a slave) chooses to submit so that does not give the dominant the right to do whatever the hell he wants. They can choose to walk away just as easily. Remember ‘tops’ you only have the power because they let you- don’t take this for granted.

For more misconceptions please be directed to lilangels thread on the misconceptions of BDSM found in the following link. http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=25352

[Star Shadows]

Some threads that might help you

While this is not me ordering you to go and read this and all other threads that may be useful to you i would recommend at least having a look over some, get yourself a drink and a comfy seat and settle down to read some with the intention of learning something.

The S/M advice threads
http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=72550
Here you can ask for advice anonymously to the contributors to issues and queries you may have on the lifestyle. While we cannot guarantee the answers we will give you are what you want to hear we do promise to give you honest advice without making a judgement about you per say.

Threads of notes
://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=19036
This is not so much one link, but several links- it contains the best of the best that is the s/m section and is where a lot of the more seasoned members will go to reference things and to check up on knowledge. It is a great source of information on all sorts of useful things.
especially go look at the previously cited links and anjelen’s how not to be a dumbinant, and a lot fo the ones on slave rights, limits and safety.

Sub frenzy( A.K.A sub fever)
http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=46216
Yes this already exists in the threads of note but i feel this is a very prominent one that must be mentioned specific as it is so important. All people sub and dom read this!

Do you have an inclination for BDSM? http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=44998
A bit of fun really but it could come in useful for you.

kinky clients, kinky counselling (PDS UNI GRADE)
http://oro.open.ac.uk/17272/2/4AD665D2.pdf long but interesting if you have time give it a go- this goes into a lot of information about legal and psychological aspects along with some of the reasons behind the astigmatisms and judgements of the lifestyle.
( will add some more external ones onto the end of this guide once i have some time to escape coursework to actually go and read them so keep checking back here)