A Brother Gets Attacked

tdawg · 02-09-2010, 02:51 PM

PART 1-It Happens
Characters-
Bobby-A brother who always tortures his sister by peeing in her bed pooping in her shoes and doing whatever he can to make her life a awful thing.AGE 14
Melissa- The sister who finally is tired of it and comes into a little blackmail AGE 15
John-Old Boyfriend of Melissa Age 15
Jack-Old Boyfreind Of melissa Age 16
Mark- A Old boyfriend Of Melissa Age 15
Leslie-Helps melissa get revenge on everybody(Her Best Freind)
Jules-^
Leann-^

"Thats it i am sick of it" said Melissa
"What do you mean" Said Leslie
"My dumb brother Bobby he peed in my bed and when i went to go to bed it was the most vile thing ever" said Melissa
"Thats disgusting" Said Leslie
"You should get revenge on him" Said Leslie
" I will come over i have some plans, Me you and jules and Leann have some plans" Said Melissa

Nick · 02-09-2010, 03:02 PM

that was short. try for much larger parts next time.
and also, seems like Melissa gets around, lol

Slenderman - Doctor · 02-09-2010, 03:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tdawg

Bobby-A brother who always tortures his sister by peeing in her bed pooping in her shoes and doing whatever he can to make her life a awful thing.AGE 14

What do his parents say? I find this a stretch too far - it's unrealistic. And the story starts off too fast. Slow it down, build some back-story and don't feel the need to get to the main action straight away

Edit: Take your time with regards to spelling and layout too.

tdawg · 02-09-2010, 03:06 PM

2 WEEKS LATER

As I(Bobby) walked home from school i heard a loud noise coming from the bushes then before i knew it i was tied up and dragged to my home which was weird but then i learned m sister was behind it.
"You have done to much to me over the years" Said Melissa.
I'm Sorry Bobby Pleaded.
"Its To late" Said Melissa
Then he sees 3 Males Enter the room
"Welcome Exes" Said Melissa
"Have you snapped" Said Bobby
Then Melissa ties up all three boys to 3 poles in the basement then she says
"I am only doing one thing to you tonight since its friday but wait we still have The rest of the weekend."
Then she strips all 3 boys and puts a bucket of all 3 girls pee 1Girl=1 Bucket of pee for 2 weeks.
and dumps it all on their faces. And says just wait until tomorrow

Mr Very Daring · 02-09-2010, 03:16 PM

good start and gr8 potential

tfd · 02-09-2010, 03:24 PM

I'm pretty much going to echo what Marvin said: I find the pace pretty unrelenting, and the spelling and grammer doesn't complement the confusion well. I'd prefer a story that was less actual story, more detail, a gripping read.

Just my two cents... ^_^

Edit: Realised how rude I had been...

I do like the idea, mind. It sounds like you've had a superb idea for a story, I think you may need more care in the execution...

Keep Going, though

Coyote · 02-11-2010, 05:43 PM

This story does have potential but you need to slow down. The story is progressing too quickly. Also you must make it longer. Short 10 sentence posts are not enjoyable for anyone to read. Also be a little more descriptive and this could be a good story

02-09-2010, 02:51 PM	#1
tdawg Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 12	A Brother Gets Attacked PART 1-It Happens Characters- Bobby-A brother who always tortures his sister by peeing in her bed pooping in her shoes and doing whatever he can to make her life a awful thing.AGE 14 Melissa- The sister who finally is tired of it and comes into a little blackmail AGE 15 John-Old Boyfriend of Melissa Age 15 Jack-Old Boyfreind Of melissa Age 16 Mark- A Old boyfriend Of Melissa Age 15 Leslie-Helps melissa get revenge on everybody(Her Best Freind) Jules-^ Leann-^ "Thats it i am sick of it" said Melissa "What do you mean" Said Leslie "My dumb brother Bobby he peed in my bed and when i went to go to bed it was the most vile thing ever" said Melissa "Thats disgusting" Said Leslie "You should get revenge on him" Said Leslie " I will come over i have some plans, Me you and jules and Leann have some plans" Said Melissa

02-09-2010, 03:02 PM	#2
Nick Distinguished Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Ohio Posts: 834	that was short. try for much larger parts next time. and also, seems like Melissa gets around, lol __________________ 27/ Male/ US/ Switch Likes: Underwear, Jockstrap, Embarrassing, Webcam or Pics, Naked, Semi-public, slight risk, strip games, dice dares, wedgies, clothing/cum control, anal, light humiliation Dislikes: Piss, Body Writing, messy Limits:Really public, family, friends, scat, gross, pain. *Impossible:* Crossdressing. I own NO girls clothes. kik: nick.undies Skype: nick.undies SnapChat: SnapNickR

02-09-2010, 03:06 PM	#4
tdawg Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 12	Part 2 2 WEEKS LATER As I(Bobby) walked home from school i heard a loud noise coming from the bushes then before i knew it i was tied up and dragged to my home which was weird but then i learned m sister was behind it. "You have done to much to me over the years" Said Melissa. I'm Sorry Bobby Pleaded. "Its To late" Said Melissa Then he sees 3 Males Enter the room "Welcome Exes" Said Melissa "Have you snapped" Said Bobby Then Melissa ties up all three boys to 3 poles in the basement then she says "I am only doing one thing to you tonight since its friday but wait we still have The rest of the weekend." Then she strips all 3 boys and puts a bucket of all 3 girls pee 1Girl=1 Bucket of pee for 2 weeks. and dumps it all on their faces. And says just wait until tomorrow

02-09-2010, 03:24 PM	#6
tfd Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2009 Posts: 198	I'm pretty much going to echo what Marvin said: I find the pace pretty unrelenting, and the spelling and grammer doesn't complement the confusion well. I'd prefer a story that was less actual story, more detail, a gripping read. Just my two cents... ^_^ Edit: Realised how rude I had been... I do like the idea, mind. It sounds like you've had a superb idea for a story, I think you may need more care in the execution... Keep Going, though Last edited by tfd; 02-09-2010 at 03:25 PM. Reason: rudeness

02-11-2010, 05:43 PM	#7
Coyote getDare Addict Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: USA Posts: 2,110 Blog Entries: 14	This story does have potential but you need to slow down. The story is progressing too quickly. Also you must make it longer. Short 10 sentence posts are not enjoyable for anyone to read. Also be a little more descriptive and this could be a good story __________________ Loves:Crossdressing,Light-Medium Bondage, Spanking, Humiliation,Dice Dares Likes:Wedgies,Cock Torture, Light-Medium Pain, Nudity Dislikes(Will do if have to):,Shaving(not eyebrows), Extreme Cold, Over 30 minutes(or so) Limits:Public,Involving Other People, Illegal, Pee/Poop, High Risk of Getting Caught,Extreme Pain,Anal,Messy/Water,(Backyard might be ok), Masturbation 24/M/USA http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=32347 AFTER HOURS!!(GOOD READING)

02-09-2010, 03:16 PM	#5
Mr Very Daring getDare Sweetheart Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 255	good start and gr8 potential