04-20-2008, 07:44 PM | #1 | ||
Prodigy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,466
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Soft limits
I thought about starting this thread for quite some time & a couple of weeks ago in a reply in Fiendish’s thread The Fiend’s Eye: Punishment & DisciplineI stated the following:
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After replying I thought of what my own definitions of both dislikes, soft limits & hard limits would be. (I like having my own personal views about anything anyway ) I came up with these definitions: Dislikes: For me a dislike is an activity that I don’t like but that doesn’t make me feel bad once it’s done with. At the moment I’m being asked to do something I dislike I may either be a bit nervous or less enthusiastic although I would usually not object to. Soft limits: Now to me a “soft” limit (still resent that term but can’t come up with a better one…) is something that not only I dislike or hate but that makes me very uncomfortable for various reasons. Those are activities that are most likely to make me feel bad after performing them & can have negative effects on me either short-term or long-term. Personally, I believe that if those were to be bent it always should be discussed between a Master & a slave no matter the situation, be it a punishment or just “play”… Hard limits: Well, I don’t think I need to elaborate much on this one. I think for most it means something that a slave will not do under any circumstance & that those should always be respected. All that being said & according to my own definitions I do have some soft limits. What I’m interested in is to know what other members’ thoughts, views & even experiences if any are about them Personally, I have made a list of dislikes, soft limits & hard limits asking myself for each why each fitted in one category rather than another. Interestingly, most soft limits were things that I had tried & had some significantly negative experiences with. Now I’ve already mentioned that I like having my own views & opinions but I enjoy just as much reading/hearing others’ thoughts which is the purpose of this thread. I hope this open a healthy & interesting discussion & becomes an helpful tool both for those who are new into D/s (and the not-so-new too ) Last edited by SubMissChievous; 04-20-2008 at 08:03 PM. Reason: Added a little but important detail |
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04-21-2008, 09:39 AM | #2 |
getDare Sweetheart
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I give you a cookie for this post
You are spot-on for hating the term soft limits, but like you, I have yet to come across a better term for it, so I use it. Many things affect what someone would define as a soft limit, so each person will view it slightly differently, but in the end, it's roughly the same thing.
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I have no signature! Last edited by Fiendish; 04-21-2008 at 01:53 PM. Reason: Adding stuff |
04-29-2008, 06:04 AM | #3 |
Senior Member
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I see it as my job to push against my subs' limits. However there is a HUUUUGE caveat to that.
First I help her define what her limits are, and importantly the reason why. If, via discussion, NLP or any of the other tools in my box, I discern that they are not her limits at all, but societal or closed minded preconceptions with no basis in fact, then we will over time explore those boundaries and replace them with her personal limits. And I do mean hers, not mine. Seldom do my subs have spoken of limits though, other than some of the more obvious ones. They recognise that I have no intention of causing them emotional, mental or physical pain. My role is to add to their quality of life, not diminish it. Soft limits are a good indication for a newbie who is making first contact with a Dom to share her concerns and express the areas that she is reluctant or hesitant to step into straight away, but will renegotiate those once a relationship of trust has been built up. One of my submissives had less strict limits with me than she did her own husband, because she trusted me to read her, anticipate and adapt to her changing psychological state during a session. It is not always 'the limit' that is hard or soft, but the person the sub gives custody of that limit to. Mike
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When even the wisest of young people can't see the consequences of their actions, it's time I called it a day.
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04-29-2008, 09:05 AM | #4 | |
Misschievous's Authority
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Germany
Posts: 1,552
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I have already said (in other threads) i am no fan of the phrase soft limit.
A limit is a limit and cant be soft ... Lets begin with what a limit is for me... a limit is a a activity that will cause mental injuries (mental wounds) to someone. And the last thing you should want as a Dom/Master is to cause this to your slave. So limit means "no go"! But what are these "Soft limits"?... "soft limits" are mainly 2 things... A really big dislike or a fear. Both has nothing to do with a limit. As the master it is important to find your slaves limits. What some people seam to forget is the fact that most people dont know their own limits Quote:
This is also the reason why i find it strange if i read something like "You have 3 limits" in some of the adds of some "Masters" here on the board.
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04-30-2008, 05:52 AM | #5 | |
Senior Member
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The thing that concerns me most here, and on collarme, IC, B.com and all the others is the number of 'Masters' who are in their teens. Without wishing to be overly patronising, I find it remarkable that these people have studied sufficient psychology, sociology and healing to Master their own psychoses, never mind applying that to another Spirit. Mike
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When even the wisest of young people can't see the consequences of their actions, it's time I called it a day.
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04-30-2008, 07:46 AM | #6 | |
Misschievous's Authority
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Germany
Posts: 1,552
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Looking for female sub or couple (updated Version) Merlin's Magic Tower of Decision |
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05-01-2008, 07:27 AM | #7 | |
Senior Member
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I'll go beyond that though. The majority of self professed 'doms' I've encountered have zero social skills, an ineptitude for human-emotional interaction, and use the BDSM label to hide their immaturity behind. A common request by young submissives is the gang bang slut and the used whore, and they have absolutely no idea how much it's going to fuck them up later in life. Of the dozens who've expressed this as a 'must have' scenario, there are only 3 that I knew were in a position to understand and deal with the consequences, and of that only 2 did that (under my care anyway. What they did subsequently I don't always get to find out. You can only watch over your charges some of the time after all). You can protect girls from yourself. Fortunately in my position I get to protect them from a lot of others too. Sadly there's only so much you can do to protect them from themselves.
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When even the wisest of young people can't see the consequences of their actions, it's time I called it a day.
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05-21-2008, 10:26 AM | #8 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: England
Posts: 160
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I think what can be concluded is that "soft limits" could also be called "extreme dislikes", and it's up to the Master to work out when and when not these are appropriate. I would expect that most of the time they are not.
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05-22-2008, 04:10 AM | #9 |
Senior Member
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The first danger there though is that a Dom should NEVER start out with expectations of what is a valid limit, without knowing what in the submissive's psychosis brought them to that position in the first place.
When it comes to other people's wellbeing, conclusions are potentially very damaging.
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When even the wisest of young people can't see the consequences of their actions, it's time I called it a day.
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