Humor thread - post your best joke! - Page 2

theone · 06-27-2010, 02:25 PM

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, where did I come from?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!"

You're Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.com. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-café. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your Mom agreed to do a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said:

"You've Got Male"

Anjelen · 07-11-2010, 07:02 AM

Found this one on Fetlife - made me laugh while i was drinking coffee.
Not a wise move. Does anyone have a new monitor for sale?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fetlife's hcy

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this
was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented
golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your
day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name
in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must
tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother
Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden
green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it.
The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and
it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that
didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to
fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my
ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of
myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this
hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my
ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as
the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling,
and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped
out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the God-damned putt, didn't you?'

theone · 07-11-2010, 04:31 PM

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years.

After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.

"Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throats and says, "Bad food."

They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words.

"I quit," he says.

"That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

Elina · 07-11-2010, 04:41 PM

my favorite one: ( p.s. i translated from my original language. )

a normal girl is having sex, and she thinks to herself:
"is he done yet?"
nympho thinks to herself:
"is he done already?!"
Blonde thinks to herself while having sex:
"silver, i could color the ceiling silver..."

marinemammal · 07-15-2010, 01:10 PM

So a pirate walks into a bar, okay, and swaggers up to the barkeep and demands a glass of rum. I believe his exact words were "Your rum or your life, dog, what'll it be?".

And so the bartender, being a reasonable fellow, makes no complaint but simply grabs a large glass, a bottle of fine dark rum, and begins to pour. And while he's waiting for the glass to fill (this being, as I said before, a large glass) he sizes up the pirate, having never seen a real honest-to-God pirate before.

This pirate is in full pirate gear. Gold earrings, patch over the eye, a big filthy white blouse covering his swarthy chest, tattoos everywhere, all of it. But protruding from his pirate trousers is the unmistakable form of a steering wheel.

Well, the bartender sees that the glass of rum is just about topped off, so he passes the glass across the bar to the pirate, who nods curtly and takes a huge swig of the rum. Slapping a dubloon on the bartop, he turns to walk away, when our bartender's curiousity gets the best of him.

"Wait, one second. What's up with the steering wheel?"

And the pirate turns back and fixes him with a beady glare from his lone eye. "Arrr, I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts!"

06-27-2010, 02:25 PM	#16
theone getDare Succubus Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: UK (NE England) Posts: 1,951 Blog Entries: 2	A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, where did I come from?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!" You're Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.com. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-café. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your Mom agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said: "You've Got Male" __________________ ~~~~~~~theone~~~~~~~ If real is what you can feel, smell, taste and see, then 'real' is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain. Morpheus (The Matrix). Likes: Coffee Will Try: Tea Limits: Will not eat baby food.

07-11-2010, 04:31 PM	#18
theone getDare Succubus Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: UK (NE England) Posts: 1,951 Blog Entries: 2	A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here." __________________ ~~~~~~~theone~~~~~~~ If real is what you can feel, smell, taste and see, then 'real' is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain. Morpheus (The Matrix). Likes: Coffee Will Try: Tea Limits: Will not eat baby food.

07-11-2010, 04:41 PM	#19
Elina Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Europe Posts: 25	my favorite one: ( p.s. i translated from my original language. ) a normal girl is having sex, and she thinks to herself: "is he done yet?" nympho thinks to herself: "is he done already?!" Blonde thinks to herself while having sex: "silver, i could color the ceiling silver..."

07-15-2010, 01:10 PM	#20
marinemammal Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: under the sea, in a little place known as the Arctic. Posts: 6	So a pirate walks into a bar, okay, and swaggers up to the barkeep and demands a glass of rum. I believe his exact words were "Your rum or your life, dog, what'll it be?". And so the bartender, being a reasonable fellow, makes no complaint but simply grabs a large glass, a bottle of fine dark rum, and begins to pour. And while he's waiting for the glass to fill (this being, as I said before, a large glass) he sizes up the pirate, having never seen a real honest-to-God pirate before. This pirate is in full pirate gear. Gold earrings, patch over the eye, a big filthy white blouse covering his swarthy chest, tattoos everywhere, all of it. But protruding from his pirate trousers is the unmistakable form of a steering wheel. Well, the bartender sees that the glass of rum is just about topped off, so he passes the glass across the bar to the pirate, who nods curtly and takes a huge swig of the rum. Slapping a dubloon on the bartop, he turns to walk away, when our bartender's curiousity gets the best of him. "Wait, one second. What's up with the steering wheel?" And the pirate turns back and fixes him with a beady glare from his lone eye. "Arrr, I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts!"