the slave angela

[sexy682]

Angela was a very hot girl in the 8th grade. She had brown hair with highlights and brown eyes. She was 14 years old and had 34 c sized boobs that were very nice. One day in school Angela was very horny. So she started to rub her pussy over her jeans. It was in science class and Angela sat next to a boy named jake who she kind of liked. He noticed her rubbing her sensative clit. He got out hi camera phone and took a picture. After class he went up to her and said "I noticed you were fingering yourself in class and I have a picture too." He showed angela the picture and she begged for him not to tell. He told her that she must be his slave for eve until he doesn't want her no longer. He then closed his phone and told her to go to his house after school and if she didn't then he will show everyone in the whole school the picture.



Comment if I should go on and if it is good!

[nightmare09]

its good on please

[interesting]

I don't want to nitpick but I've read this introduction somewhere before - in every other blackmail story.

You're using punctuation and your grammar is good, but your presentation could improve a little, i.e. making paragaphs, putting dialogue in separate lines.

By all means, surprise me with the originality of your story. I'm sure you can work in elements which we haven't seen elsewhere, or reappropriate elements to your own style and make them work. We'll only see in the long run.

Keep at it, and we'll see how it turns out.

[Officelover]

Yeah, I hate blackmail stories. I would never write one; uh, *drops subject*

Yeah. If you're going to write a blackmail story you have t make everything as original as possible. It does have potential, I suppose, but in truth, the spelling and grammar could be better. Post could be longer too.

[nightmare09]

i agree
with u both

[rpUral]

on the pro side: There is actually punctuation in the sentences. I don't mind the blackmail stories, because in cases such as this, the girl obviously could have been a bit more.... descrete. So she maybe deserves something for not being. In this case, she could have passed the photo off as brushing something off her lap. Unless the phone had a video camera.... Doesn't really say.

On the con side: One big paragraph? There's more than one concept in there, so it should be broken up a bit. There's only one spoken sentence, so can't fault the paragraphing for a dialog. Wouldn't she have said something? Pleaded? Anything?

If she'd been wise, she'd have have slapped his hand as hard as she could, and smashed the phone into the wall, then taken the punishment for that, and said "What picture?"

But as the others have said: Take it from here, and dazzle us. It's possible, if you have a story in mind.

[Ciandon]

Punctuation: good. Capitalization: Mostly good. But your idea is sorta hackneyed (as they've all said, surprise and delight me), and the story progresses too fast. Add in character thoughts, deeper dialogue, you know.

But other than that, keep writing. I usually get an idea for stuff I write (fine, fine, I ashamedly admit to writing a few fanfics) at like 2 AM while I can't sleep, then write them down. Not that I suggest at all developing sleep disorders, but I'm just saying use some of the time you have and think, then develop your story, add original ideas, and win some awards.

[kirstyjane]

I think its all down to practice. I wrote my first story today and I probably could do a better job next time (and there will be for the people who liked me first one). I say take your time and read it through yourself.