How not to be a Dumbinant

[DavidK]

I'm speechless (almost). Most of my life I have been in the closet, so to speak, and everytime I have opened that door a little I have only seen things that said to me: this is not true, this is not right, this is fake and this is not me. I have only been on this sight a couple of days and unfortunately have had those same thoughts here. I probably would have left in a day or so, maybe still will. Of all the things I've seen and read your comments come closest to what I believe is the real essence of these type of relationships.

The greatest fear I have with the internet is the massive amounts of misinformation that are fed to us since its inception for the sake of profit. I believe this is the reason we need to examine our beliefs and possibly our mistakes. Sorry Im rambling.

Thank you for you guidance.

Eternal likes: respect, integrity, honor, honesty, compassion and love.
Eternal dislikes: pride, arogance and hypocrisy

Let's be real. (?)

[LadyCeleste]

Anjelen -

I would encourage you to do so. Much of the play that comes from this website is all online. Many are 'cam slaves' as so well put. But it needs to be noted that regardless of online or in person, they must be treated like a person, not an object.

I think eventually something needs to be written for the submissive/slave, (as much as I detest that word), side as well. While there's a lot of great 'slaves' out there, not too many people truly know the difference between submissive and slave.

[Anjelen]

@DavidK - Wow. Thank you for the compliments... And i wish you luck and understanding in your endeavors outside that proverbial closet.

Should you - or anyone wish to talk about D/s on a more personal level, i encourage you to speak to me directly - i can be contacted through the Private Message system here for my usernames on Google Talk, Skype, Yahoo, AIM, MSN and ICQ.

@LadyCeleste - In the mean time i'll let my thoughts wander about an online edition of this thread - though i can as of now make no promises.

Until then, perhaps!

[g-man]

After reading most of this thread (over the age) I decided to rustle up some tidbits to contribute from this thread from a sub's perspective (seeing as someone asked). After getting the seal of approval from Anjelen (seeing as this is his thread), here is what musings I came up with


In my own personal opinion, by far the best skill, (and quality) any submissive should posess is patience. It is by far a wiser option to spend a longer period of time getting to know someone before choosing to make the commitment to become someones sub/slave than to dive headfirst into it. Moreso online than in real life. In real life you have the benefit of getting to know one another on a face to face level, which can make it somewhat easier to figure out someones motives.

Online however, can be much more difficult due to the anonmyity of the internet. Taking those extra few seconds to carefully articulate the impression you want to give out to someone can often open up the opportunity to manipulate them. Ask plenty of questions, and then later on ask more questions to see if the responses are consistent. Jot down notes if you have to incase you forget. As a rule of thumb, I tend to spend at an absolute minimum, a week talking to someone before I make any decisions. (And thats on a basis of few hours each day chatting) Sometimes longer. If the dominant is genuinely interested in forming that relationship with you, (and worth their weight in gold), they'll be happy to wait help you put your concerns to rest.

I've been with some absolutely fantastic people that through this site, and they know who they are. Unfortunately, there's also been an instance very early on in my journey of submission where I encountered someone of not-so-genuine intent, which I'll talk about to inform you of the potential dangers later on. The earliest, and probably easiest warning you'll come across online are those who, the instant they get any messenger details from you, want you to get on camera and put on a show (or ask for compromising pictures). They'll be pushy, aggressive, and generally come across as a bully.

This particular incident did not occur from someone I met here, but another d/s related community. I was approached by someone, chatted for a few days before moving any further. I remember being in a scene, or about to start one (I can't remember the specifics), but something triggered in my mind, so I stopped instantly. Unfortunately, this 'domme' had already seen me naked, and as it turned out, was not interested in the relationship, but had infact been recording my cam. They then tried extorting money out of me else they would upload that video to every adult site they could. Very fortunately for me, I'd taken the precaution of hiding my real name. I never did pay, but I did contact the site admin where I met this person, who contacted the authorities and got the material moved.

Another important thing to remember, related to your security. Is safety. Never allow anyone to manipulate you into doing something you're strongly objected to. You may be new to the scene, or a veteran. Either way, chances are quite high that there is a hard limit you've not thought about, or encountered. Just because you've not listed it in your profile or advert does not mean its fair game. Especially if its going to be compromising to your morals or health. It can be difficult saying no at times, especially as you're drifting away in your own little subby world midscene. That said, I would much rather finish a scene early and kill the mood, to save my integrity and mental health than go through with something that I KNOW I will end up regretting.

What I've wrote about so far, outlines some of the processes that go through my mind when I am searching for a domme, and these are in place to minimise the risk of being subjected to abuse.

That being covered. Lets spend some time thinking about your role as a submissive, or slave.

In some regards, they are the same, on the basis that the title suggests service to another. If you were to use dictionary terms, the only real difference would be that submissives have the power of choice. Whilst, on a meta level that could be considered true in a d/s dynamic, a slave obviously, still does have the power of choice too. The power to say no. Just because you have chosen to reqlinquish control of a certain aspect of your life to another, does not mean you do not have the power to revoke it either. For example, if I decided to allow someone control over my diet, I would certainly not allow them to make me eat something I was strongly against (ie, being a vegan.) or I had allergies to.

The most common aspect I have come across in the dynamic is protocol. Some people expect to be called sir/master/miss. What ever the protocol is, it doesn't matter for the purpose of my rambling. What is important is that you discuss it before hand. Treat a d/s relationship as a real life relationship, it can't floursish or be sustained without strong communication. Also taken into account, your limits may change. Something that you used to be comfortable with earlier, you're not comfortable with now. Just remember to talk about it, and it won't be a problem

Finally, the world of d/s is massive, and every expanding/evolving. I am quite confident when I say that no single person is ever going to ever experience every aspect of it. That being said, you will come across in your journey, someone who has a kink, or fetish that you do not know very little about. There is a wealth of information regarding a huge variety of kinks on the internet. Do your research, find out about the risks involved in the activity, and make an educated decision based on that research. Just remember, you have the right to say no. For example, one person I met on here, had somewhat of an interest in self bondage. I was curious about bondage in general, but after spending a bit of time investigating, I decided that the potential risks (depending on how far I went with it) were too high. We spent some time talking about it, and she wasn't bothered when I decided it was a limit. (That being said, we'd got to know each other very well, if, on the offchance things did end up offline, I was perfectly ok with being put into bondage, because there was another person around as a safety barrier incase something did go wrong)

Well, I hope my musings so far have been insightful, but if you have any questions, feel free to get in touch.

[big_ben]

Anjelen this was a most insightful and well written post. Being slightly OCD about it, I honestly look for grammatical errors unserious posts such as this, a few are to be expected, we all et excited and mess up as we type. However, on such a serious topic, if the original poster can't stay within proper grammatical rules, I find it hard to take his ost seriously since he obviously doesn't. Now,I know this isn't a perfect system since a lot of people posting English as their second, or further down the list, language but generally it works well.

I also would like to compliment you in your loving tone. It is very hard to convey tone through text. However, the way you used your punctuation, capitilization, the bold, underline and italics feature conveyed the feeling of care an guidance, you weren't trying to make the new dominants out there feel retarded but you were trying t guide them to the correct launching pad for their journey.

For what my small opinion is worth, your wonderful post was made all the more powerful by these small details. I will be gladly running back to re-read this as it is more than obvious that one reading will never suffice to truly understand the vast and subtle knowledge that you have bestowed upon us beginners.

[miumiu]

Wow, that was a good article. Now here's to hoping that every dumbinant and wannbe actually reads this ^^

[Anjelen]

Aw, shucks! Thanks, y'all ^_^;