How not to be a Dumbinant

[Anjelen]

You're not a Dumbinant if you realise that you're a Novice; many a Dumbinant is merely a Novice with too much of an ego to admit that there are things they must learn.

Online or offline, a relationship is a relationship. You seem to be keeping the effect you have on your submissives in mind, which is a good start towards receiving the kind of trust that will allow you to do WIITWD effectively.

[davgrant]

Originally Posted by Anjelen

You're not a Dumbinant if you realise that you're a Novice; many a Dumbinant is merely a Novice with too much of an ego to admit that there are things they must learn.

Online or offline, a relationship is a relationship. You seem to be keeping the effect you have on your submissives in mind, which is a good start towards receiving the kind of trust that will allow you to do WIITWD effectively.

Sadly where most novices are found lacking they don't want to see the reality and think they know it all.

For them accepting that would be equivalent to be consider not enough of a dom! EGO the root cause of all problems.

[Anjelen]

Heh. Hear hear!

Ego : it's what gets you not-laid.

[MasterPain]

even online, even if you are just a screen name and text, you ARE spending time with them and ARE changing eachothers lives.

there is a connection between you. online, offline, it makes no diffrence where you met.

if your telling someone what to do, your affecting their life. if your giving rules to live by... your affecting their life.....

HELL even the people you just talk to online you are touching their lives aswell... you can vent to someone, use them as a sounding board, take there advice and move on...

a true moron will forget that there are real live people connected to the text on your screen.

[Humble_Switch]

I am no stranger to the concept of the BDSM lifestyle. For years I garnered what little, mostly wrong, information I could from pornography and Internet websites. My wife and I are relatively new to this community. We both are switches from what we can gather. We both enjoy dominating, though she has a rough time expressing herself verbally, and we both also enjoy subbing. (not sure of that is the correct term) I am admittedly more of a sub but I do enjoy Dom'ing for my wife. My only concern was how to take her to where she needed to be and remain dominant but still show her I'm there for her. After reading your post and digesting it for some time I wanted to thank you from the bottom of my humble soul. Besides practicing, or rather trying, some Taoist rituals and tantric philosophies, we indulge our sexual appetites for BDSM(Dom/sub play and toys) from time to time. Reading your thoughful and well laid out post will be of enormous benefit to us. Again thank you for your time and effort spent and I hope to read more in the following days/weeks/months/years. As this is my first post I would like to extend my apologies in advance if I somehow offended someone with my lack of knowledge or the openness of my thoughts.

Take care all,
Humble

[Anjelen]

Wow - and thanks for such accolade, Humble... Humbling, in return

[hieco]

I'm new to this sort of thing, and I've been having some concerns about a few areas.

One thing is that I've never really considered myself that much of a violent/strict person. I can't really imagine myself ever causing someone else pain, even if they were enjoying it. Due to this I am somewhat worried that it might make it harder to find someone, and that I might not be able to fulfill the "punishment" aspect of the lifestyle. What do you think?

[davgrant]

Originally Posted by hieco

I'm new to this sort of thing, and I've been having some concerns about a few areas.

One thing is that I've never really considered myself that much of a violent/strict person. I can't really imagine myself ever causing someone else pain, even if they were enjoying it. Due to this I am somewhat worried that it might make it harder to find someone, and that I might not be able to fulfill the "punishment" aspect of the lifestyle. What do you think?

Sorry my friend but punishment does not have to be about hitting out or causing pain! One of my former sub was real talker, she would chatter for hours and hours if given permission so if I asked her to sit quiet that would be a punishment for her. And not all M/s relation are based on what you have state. You need to find what works for YOU and then find a appropriate partner.

[Anjelen]

Originally Posted by hieco

I'm new to this sort of thing, and I've been having some concerns about a few areas.

One thing is that I've never really considered myself that much of a violent/strict person. I can't really imagine myself ever causing someone else pain, even if they were enjoying it. Due to this I am somewhat worried that it might make it harder to find someone, and that I might not be able to fulfill the "punishment" aspect of the lifestyle. What do you think?

Originally Posted by davgrant

Sorry my friend but punishment does not have to be about hitting out or causing pain! One of my former sub was real talker, she would chatter for hours and hours if given permission so if I asked her to sit quiet that would be a punishment for her. And not all M/s relation are based on what you have state. You need to find what works for YOU and then find a appropriate partner.

@Hieco - Davgravant has a small point. Punishments aren't necessarily about pain, nor is pain necessarily a punishment.

Chores, writing assignment - such as lines or essays - or corner-time all work. I believe the harshest punishment i could give to any of my current submissives would be to hold them close and warmly state my dissapointment in them...

Punishments are in the eye of the beholder - or rather, the receiver.

Nor do you necessarily need to be a harsh, or strict Dominant.

Keep a set of house rules, and stick to them - This isn't neccisarally being harsh, this is being disciplined - and discipline, both self-discipline and the ability to give discipline to others, is in my opinion, one of the - though by no means most or first - important things that a Dominant can bring into the life of a Submissive.

However, before one controls another, one must control themselves; If you let your gut reactions govern you, then will you truly be able to discipline another?

[LadyCeleste]

Anjelen -

This is a magnificent post. Everything you have described in here is very true and should be taken to heart, even by the most experienced doms. I do enjoy the "dumbinant" word you used which is a perfect description of certain doms who are not smart, or their egos are so large that they could not possibly comprehend that they are hurting their subs.

For the first time in a long time, I am truly moved by a post on a discussion forum. I could feel the passion and the caring that you have for your sub "Rose" even as you told those stories. This post is simply worth a full applause ten times over.

You have beautifully captured what it means to be dominant, without hurting the submissive and bringing them into their subspace and helping them achieve the total effect without actually causing them harm.

I may be still considered a newbie due to the fact I have 6+ years under my belt of domination tactics and techniques, but I have always felt that having a relationship, friendship or otherwise, is the most important thing with the lifestyle. It is not just about telling someone what to do, it is about bringing them into their subspace, feeling them slip into it and watching them as they float in the euphoric feelings of what it is that you are giving them as well as what they are giving you.

I posted my ad before I knew this thread existed. But I am of the same belief that you have to be able to have a decent conversation with the submissive outside of play for anything to be able to be accomplished and for the relationship to grow and be successful.

Thank you again for posting this and sharing your thoughts with us.

[Anjelen]

@LadyCeleste Consider this a muuuuch belated thank-you for your wonderful reply.

A newbie, with six years under your belt? Meh. Experience is experience, and even after nearing-on two decades in the BDSM 'world' i still learn new things every day.

Newbieness is relative - In my opinion, the greatest participants are those who are open to new experiences and knowledge even after umpty years in the scene.

You seem an intelligent mind and a caring soul - and of course, since we seem to be in full agreement, all i can say is, keep it up, you're doing good!

[master jacob]

Thank you. This has provided me (somewhat of a newcomer) with an invaluable glimpse into the mentality of the Dom/Sub relationship. I would like to say that even from the start of my interest in bdsm (at age 15) I have always completely agreed and honored the concept of mutual pleasure. Again thank you it was a fascinating read and an invaluable help.

[Anjelen]

You're quite welcome, Jacob. May this life be a gratifying one for you as well as anyone you encounter!

[puppyplay]

Hmm this seems more likea gjide to IRL bsdm rather thanonline, but its still usefull.

[Anjelen]

Heh. Considering this is what i do - or at least did and will do again after a two-year hiatus - to make a living... Yes, this is a guide more suitable for 'real-life' BDSM.

I have been considering to write something on on-line D/s, though...