Why dairy alternatives are bad

[Gothswitch]

This is pretty much a vegetarian house. Not really for any ethical reasons, it just has gone that way.

Chillies are vegetables, of course, and can be used for all manner of entertaining purposes. However, if you misjudge the strength of a chilli while carrying out a forfeit, soya milk is not the answer, I'm afraid.

In the absence of good 'ol dairy, careful passers-by may have seen me plunging my fiery cock into a tub of double cream over the kitchen sink, while wailing gently to myself, and glugging from a can of Stella i suddenly needed to imbibe.

Not recommended, friends!