Deleting a rule in a DS

pluky · 08-20-2023, 01:52 AM

Both Subs and Doms are very welcome to share their feelings about this, it would help me put things into perspective and I would appreciate it.

How do you feel about pretty much having to let go of a rule that has been there for a while to suit a Sub's needs and current abilities ? Do you see it as a sort of a failure ? Or rather just a sign there's open communication and willingness to adapt ?

Have you ever experienced this ? Did it hurt to lose what might have started to feel like a part of you or your routine ? Or do you embrace change without any sadness ?

___

I personally have struggled with a rule from the start but wanted to really give it my best try before ruling it out or saying I can't, so I struggled against it and eventually after sharing my difficulty to keep up with it, the rule was deleted.

While not having to do it should be what I need, it made me incredibly sad to lose something I've been trying to do for almost 3 months, even if I struggled with it.

I also feel like I failed my Dom if I ever put them in a position where they have to make compromises, have less expectations. I understand that it's normal but I can't help feeling a little guilty, giving them more is always good, giving them less is always bad, I just wish I never had to ask for less.

Masterwants · 08-20-2023, 02:03 AM

I think it’s certainly a sign of good communication and willingness to adapt, possibly from both sides.

As you say things change in life, which could be anything to do with things like ability, emerging preferences, time, expectations, living environment, physical capability, emotional health.

Change isn’t always a negative thing, sometimes compromise is needed. But those feelings of loss may still arise.

LimeNLemonade · 08-20-2023, 08:45 AM

Yes, I've felt loss when I've had a rule removed. It is a strangely bad feeling, given it’s often removed with good intentions from the dominant. I’ve felt disappointed in myself. It's also felt frustrating, like I'm being denied the opportunity to prove myself and try harder to make it work.

At the end of the day, it’s the dominant’s decision and you must come to terms with it. For me what helps is having a discussion/thinking about whether the rule is currently serving its original purpose. That rule was given to you for a reason. Maybe it was intended to make you feel owned, controlled, humiliated, embarrassed, needy, frustrated, etc. Is it currently providing the dominant with its intended purpose?

If it's not, and that can't be remedied, I think it's fair to let go of it. Often a dominant wants you to feel a specific way with the tasks and rules given to you. If instead you are feeling overwhelmed by a rule, or like you’re failing at it, or any other negative feeling... none of that was what the dominant desired. So, clinging onto it when it’s not working doesn't really give the dominant anything they want.

Trying your best is admirable. But there is a time to let go of things that aren't working so they don't consume you/your relationship. After some time has passed, I find I often ask for a second try at a task/rule. I find that brings me peace. Perhaps you can revisit the rule again in the future.

pluky · 08-20-2023, 09:12 AM

Thank you I found both contributions quite helpful.

tset · 02-02-2024, 06:25 AM

It's always best to be upfront when covering, reviewing, and re-reviewing rules within these kinds of relationships. If a rule is going to risk any sense of further bonding or evolution of the relationship between both individuals, then the two will have to decide which is more important... the rule or the longer-term health of the relationship.

If your heart is not into something, then it will begin to show after awhile in some form, whether it be hesitation, procrastination, distanced behavior, dwindling communication, etc. It's not a failure to be honest with a dom and let them know that a rule is no longer doing something for you or maybe even that you are experiencing burn-out. One can always take a break from a rule or more with the intent of recharging themselves and the relationship. To a certain degree, doms will be subservient to whatever boundaries the sub puts up even while the sub is reciprocating submission back to them.

Overall, both sides have to be happy here and discussing the issue is crucial to getting things back on track, if and when they fall off.

08-20-2023, 01:52 AM	#1
pluky getDare Devil Join Date: Aug 2022 Posts: 1,037 Blog Entries: 90	Deleting a rule in a DS Both Subs and Doms are very welcome to share their feelings about this, it would help me put things into perspective and I would appreciate it. How do you feel about pretty much having to let go of a rule that has been there for a while to suit a Sub's needs and current abilities ? Do you see it as a sort of a failure ? Or rather just a sign there's open communication and willingness to adapt ? Have you ever experienced this ? Did it hurt to lose what might have started to feel like a part of you or your routine ? Or do you embrace change without any sadness ? ___ I personally have struggled with a rule from the start but wanted to really give it my best try before ruling it out or saying I can't, so I struggled against it and eventually after sharing my difficulty to keep up with it, the rule was deleted. While not having to do it should be what I need, it made me incredibly sad to lose something I've been trying to do for almost 3 months, even if I struggled with it. I also feel like I failed my Dom if I ever put them in a position where they have to make compromises, have less expectations. I understand that it's normal but I can't help feeling a little guilty, giving them more is always good, giving them less is always bad, I just wish I never had to ask for less. __________________ Disclaimer : a message that you send me can be seen by Sir at any point unless you stated otherwise or obviously contains sensitive or personal data. About kik games : I don't want people who don't have a GD account to contact me for kik games which are aimed at the users of this site. Also, I do not respond to accounts that aren't at least as old as mine. 29 F Likes, Dislikes, Limits.

08-20-2023, 08:45 AM	#3
LimeNLemonade Sublime Join Date: Jun 2015 Posts: 57	<3 Yes, I've felt loss when I've had a rule removed. It is a strangely bad feeling, given it’s often removed with good intentions from the dominant. I’ve felt disappointed in myself. It's also felt frustrating, like I'm being denied the opportunity to prove myself and try harder to make it work. At the end of the day, it’s the dominant’s decision and you must come to terms with it. For me what helps is having a discussion/thinking about whether the rule is currently serving its original purpose. That rule was given to you for a reason. Maybe it was intended to make you feel owned, controlled, humiliated, embarrassed, needy, frustrated, etc. Is it currently providing the dominant with its intended purpose? If it's not, and that can't be remedied, I think it's fair to let go of it. Often a dominant wants you to feel a specific way with the tasks and rules given to you. If instead you are feeling overwhelmed by a rule, or like you’re failing at it, or any other negative feeling... none of that was what the dominant desired. So, clinging onto it when it’s not working doesn't really give the dominant anything they want. Trying your best is admirable. But there is a time to let go of things that aren't working so they don't consume you/your relationship. After some time has passed, I find I often ask for a second try at a task/rule. I find that brings me peace. Perhaps you can revisit the rule again in the future.

08-20-2023, 09:12 AM	#4
pluky getDare Devil Join Date: Aug 2022 Posts: 1,037 Blog Entries: 90	Thank you I found both contributions quite helpful. __________________ Disclaimer : a message that you send me can be seen by Sir at any point unless you stated otherwise or obviously contains sensitive or personal data. About kik games : I don't want people who don't have a GD account to contact me for kik games which are aimed at the users of this site. Also, I do not respond to accounts that aren't at least as old as mine. 29 F Likes, Dislikes, Limits.

08-20-2023, 02:03 AM	#2
Masterwants Distinguished Member Join Date: Aug 2013 Location: UK Posts: 625 Blog Entries: 11	I think it’s certainly a sign of good communication and willingness to adapt, possibly from both sides. As you say things change in life, which could be anything to do with things like ability, emerging preferences, time, expectations, living environment, physical capability, emotional health. Change isn’t always a negative thing, sometimes compromise is needed. But those feelings of loss may still arise.

02-02-2024, 06:25 AM	#5
tset Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2023 Posts: 2	It's always best to be upfront when covering, reviewing, and re-reviewing rules within these kinds of relationships. If a rule is going to risk any sense of further bonding or evolution of the relationship between both individuals, then the two will have to decide which is more important... the rule or the longer-term health of the relationship. If your heart is not into something, then it will begin to show after awhile in some form, whether it be hesitation, procrastination, distanced behavior, dwindling communication, etc. It's not a failure to be honest with a dom and let them know that a rule is no longer doing something for you or maybe even that you are experiencing burn-out. One can always take a break from a rule or more with the intent of recharging themselves and the relationship. To a certain degree, doms will be subservient to whatever boundaries the sub puts up even while the sub is reciprocating submission back to them. Overall, both sides have to be happy here and discussing the issue is crucial to getting things back on track, if and when they fall off.