Fiction: A weekend of a lifetime!

kallumbj · 04-03-2011, 06:55 PM

Hi! This is my first story but I hope you all like it.
Main Characters:
Me (Kallum):Light blond hair,Blue eyes,Fit,Muscular.(Boy,Curious)
Josh:Brown hair,Hazel eyes,fit,muscular (Gay..?,Unknown)
Cody:Blond hair,Green eyes,fit(Gay..? Unknown Danny's twin)
Danny:Blond hair,Green eyes,fit(Gay..? Uknown Cody's twin)

As the bell rings for the end of school I get really exicted because I was going to Josh's house for the whole weekend.
Josh:Hey kallum! Looking forward to tonight?
Me (Kallum):Hell yeah!!
As I start to cram all my books into my bags Josh begins to talk,
Josh:Cody!! Danny come over here!!
I see 2 boys ,same age (16), come towards my place
Josh:Kallum, this is Danny and Cody they have recently just came over from California.
Danny and cody:Hi dude.
Me (Kallum):Hi bro.
When I finish packing I was reminded that there was Water polo practice that evening.
Josh:Hey kallum! wanna go water polo its bare awsome.
Me:Errrr... sure.
I quickly run home to get ready I grab everything I need like my shorts,games (For josh's Xbox360),some spare clothes,towel and my trainers then as I leave I grab a apple for the journey. When I get to the swimming pool, I see Danny,cody and josh waiting outside.
Josh:Finnaly dude, I thought you would never get here.
We then make our way to males changing room.
I take my T-shirt off and Josh gives me a nippe cripple
Me:"Owwww..."
Josh, danny and cody start laughing. Cody then suddenly asked
Cody:"Dude, How big is your dick?"
Me:"About 5, why?"
Cody shruged and carried on getting changed. After water-polo practice we all head to Josh's house. When we get there, I remember how big Josh's house acctualy was.
Danny:Josh your house is AWSOME!!
And it was I had just forgot how 'AWSOME' it was.
_______________________________________________
Part 2 Coming soon!!
_______________________________________________
Likes

:Nudity,TorD,Extreme dares,Cumming.
Okay with

Anything in the middle.
Hates

Extreme pain.

kallumbj · 04-03-2011, 06:58 PM

Please leave comments below, Please have constructive Critism. Not "Oh this is bad" Cause this is my first after all.

kallumbj · 04-03-2011, 08:08 PM

I expected 10 or 15 views, but not 26!! Thanks guys!

kallumbj · 04-03-2011, 08:27 PM

Part 2 is here:
Josh:"Did I mention that my parents are away for the whole weekend?"
I thought 'The whole house to ourselves??

' I started to notice that Danny kept staring at me, it was unbearable, unbearablely good. But I tried to ignore this.

Josh:"So what d'ya wanna do?"
Me:"Truth or dare?"
All:"Yeah, Im up for it"
Danny:"You start Josh"
Josh"Truth... or dare?"
Danny picked dare and it was
Josh:"Danny I dare you to hump the bed naked, for 5 minutes"
Danny slowly pulled his T-Shirt off and I looked towards Josh and I noticed a tent had formed,only he didnt notice. "Enjoying the show?" asked cody, I just replied with a simple yes and turned my full attention to danny. Five minutes later danny comes off Josh's bed with a huge boner. Then I suddenly shouted "My turn!!" and then Cody said "Truth or dare kallum?" And I picked dare then he suddenly said with a evil smug grin on his broad face "I dare you to go into Josh's walk-in wardrobe blindfolded and wait for me". I said flatly "Okay". I slowly entered the walk-in wardrobe,sweating hard, nerves over whelming me. But I stood still putting the scarf over my eyes. Cody shortly after entered and lay ontop of me feeling the buldge in my shorts. Then suddenly he put his hand down my shorts and felt my 5 inch,thick and hard dick. "C-c-c-c-cody? What the heck are you doing?" I asked and he replied "Sssshhhh Nomore talking".

kallumbj · 04-03-2011, 09:07 PM

56 Views C'mon! Comment!

cseagles · 04-03-2011, 09:25 PM

Honestly, it's moving too fast. You need to slow it down, give more detail about the setting and what the characters are thinking. Maybe give some more background on each character. Start using quotations instead of the

Josh:
Danny:
Me:

thing. It gets annoying for other readers. If you want some insight, check out ShinyDemon's or my stories. They have the grammatical and literary elements that make up a good story, regardless of the genre.

Hope this helps.

Memories for Life · 04-03-2011, 10:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kallumbj

56 Views C'mon! Comment!

Criticism: Don't pout because you didn't get more comments or more views. Write your story because you like writing it -- not expecting the Peabody Award!

Try to put changes in dialog, from one person to another person, as a separate line of conversation.

kallumbj · 04-04-2011, 11:13 AM

Sorry, I only just joined. But I am just about to start the 3rd part. I will make it move slower.

kallumbj · 04-04-2011, 11:19 AM

Part 3 preview:
______
I was sweating buckets!! But then I felt 2 moist lips touch mine, I didnt know what to do? Back away for just kiss back? I decided to just do go with it. When he stopped kissing me He went down a nipped my nippes I grunted alittle. And then he said "This is just a taste of what you can get if you play your cards right" And left the walk-in wardrobe.

pymani96 · 04-04-2011, 02:49 PM

Bootifull! This message comes from the one and only terry tibbs. Talk to me
Pymani

immaeatu · 04-05-2011, 02:03 PM

this is exactly the same as another story thatt was written a LONG while back. i dont remember who wrote it though. but i remember that exactly this haappened.

kallumbj · 04-05-2011, 04:45 PM

Really?! Oh I will delete this one then and re-create it, I honestly didnt know. Thanks for letting me know. I might finish this and then make another one

View Poll Results: Was this?
Detailed enough and too fast.	0	0%
Not detailed enough and too slow.	0	0%
Detailed enough and great timing.	1	25.00%
None of the above.	3	75.00%
Voters: 4. You may not vote on this poll

04-03-2011, 06:55 PM	#1
kallumbj Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: London, United Kingdom Posts: 41	A weekend of a lifetime! Hi! This is my first story but I hope you all like it. Main Characters: Me (Kallum):Light blond hair,Blue eyes,Fit,Muscular.(Boy,Curious) Josh:Brown hair,Hazel eyes,fit,muscular (Gay..?,Unknown) Cody:Blond hair,Green eyes,fit(Gay..? Unknown Danny's twin) Danny:Blond hair,Green eyes,fit(Gay..? Uknown Cody's twin) As the bell rings for the end of school I get really exicted because I was going to Josh's house for the whole weekend. Josh:Hey kallum! Looking forward to tonight? Me (Kallum):Hell yeah!! As I start to cram all my books into my bags Josh begins to talk, Josh:Cody!! Danny come over here!! I see 2 boys ,same age (16), come towards my place Josh:Kallum, this is Danny and Cody they have recently just came over from California. Danny and cody:Hi dude. Me (Kallum):Hi bro. When I finish packing I was reminded that there was Water polo practice that evening. Josh:Hey kallum! wanna go water polo its bare awsome. Me:Errrr... sure. I quickly run home to get ready I grab everything I need like my shorts,games (For josh's Xbox360),some spare clothes,towel and my trainers then as I leave I grab a apple for the journey. When I get to the swimming pool, I see Danny,cody and josh waiting outside. Josh:Finnaly dude, I thought you would never get here. We then make our way to males changing room. I take my T-shirt off and Josh gives me a nippe cripple Me:"Owwww..." Josh, danny and cody start laughing. Cody then suddenly asked Cody:"Dude, How big is your dick?" Me:"About 5, why?" Cody shruged and carried on getting changed. After water-polo practice we all head to Josh's house. When we get there, I remember how big Josh's house acctualy was. Danny:Josh your house is AWSOME!! And it was I had just forgot how 'AWSOME' it was. _______________________________________________ Part 2 Coming soon!! _______________________________________________ Likes:Nudity,TorD,Extreme dares,Cumming. Okay withAnything in the middle. HatesExtreme pain.

04-03-2011, 08:08 PM	#3
kallumbj Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: London, United Kingdom Posts: 41	I expected 10 or 15 views, but not 26!! Thanks guys! __________________ Kallumbj Don't try to look for gold at the end of the rainbow, trust me, I've been wanting to find some since I was ten... and believe me.. the land of Leprechauns isn't so lucky. Unless you have a four leaf-clover. Also, proud to be bisexual!

04-03-2011, 08:27 PM	#4
kallumbj Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: London, United Kingdom Posts: 41	Part 2!! Part 2 is here: Josh:"Did I mention that my parents are away for the whole weekend?" I thought 'The whole house to ourselves?? ' I started to notice that Danny kept staring at me, it was unbearable, unbearablely good. But I tried to ignore this. Josh:"So what d'ya wanna do?" Me:"Truth or dare?" All:"Yeah, Im up for it" Danny:"You start Josh" Josh"Truth... or dare?" Danny picked dare and it was Josh:"Danny I dare you to hump the bed naked, for 5 minutes" Danny slowly pulled his T-Shirt off and I looked towards Josh and I noticed a tent had formed,only he didnt notice. "Enjoying the show?" asked cody, I just replied with a simple yes and turned my full attention to danny. Five minutes later danny comes off Josh's bed with a huge boner. Then I suddenly shouted "My turn!!" and then Cody said "Truth or dare kallum?" And I picked dare then he suddenly said with a evil smug grin on his broad face "I dare you to go into Josh's walk-in wardrobe blindfolded and wait for me". I said flatly "Okay". I slowly entered the walk-in wardrobe,sweating hard, nerves over whelming me. But I stood still putting the scarf over my eyes. Cody shortly after entered and lay ontop of me feeling the buldge in my shorts. Then suddenly he put his hand down my shorts and felt my 5 inch,thick and hard dick. "C-c-c-c-cody? What the heck are you doing?" I asked and he replied "Sssshhhh Nomore talking". Last edited by kallumbj; 04-03-2011 at 09:06 PM.

04-03-2011, 09:07 PM	#5
kallumbj Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: London, United Kingdom Posts: 41	56 Views C'mon! Comment! __________________ Kallumbj Don't try to look for gold at the end of the rainbow, trust me, I've been wanting to find some since I was ten... and believe me.. the land of Leprechauns isn't so lucky. Unless you have a four leaf-clover. Also, proud to be bisexual!

04-03-2011, 06:58 PM	#2
kallumbj Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: London, United Kingdom Posts: 41	Please leave comments below, Please have constructive Critism. Not "Oh this is bad" Cause this is my first after all.

04-03-2011, 09:25 PM	#6
cseagles Member Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: Chicago Posts: 83	Honestly, it's moving too fast. You need to slow it down, give more detail about the setting and what the characters are thinking. Maybe give some more background on each character. Start using quotations instead of the Josh: Danny: Me: thing. It gets annoying for other readers. If you want some insight, check out ShinyDemon's or my stories. They have the grammatical and literary elements that make up a good story, regardless of the genre. Hope this helps. __________________ Be sure to check out my stories: Me and Brendon - http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=64998 The Best Camping Trip Ever - http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=66099 The Freshman - http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=71833

04-04-2011, 11:13 AM	#8
kallumbj Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: London, United Kingdom Posts: 41	Sorry, I only just joined. But I am just about to start the 3rd part. I will make it move slower. __________________ Kallumbj Don't try to look for gold at the end of the rainbow, trust me, I've been wanting to find some since I was ten... and believe me.. the land of Leprechauns isn't so lucky. Unless you have a four leaf-clover. Also, proud to be bisexual!

04-04-2011, 11:19 AM	#9
kallumbj Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: London, United Kingdom Posts: 41	Part 3 preview: ______ I was sweating buckets!! But then I felt 2 moist lips touch mine, I didnt know what to do? Back away for just kiss back? I decided to just do go with it. When he stopped kissing me He went down a nipped my nippes I grunted alittle. And then he said "This is just a taste of what you can get if you play your cards right" And left the walk-in wardrobe. __________________ Kallumbj Don't try to look for gold at the end of the rainbow, trust me, I've been wanting to find some since I was ten... and believe me.. the land of Leprechauns isn't so lucky. Unless you have a four leaf-clover. Also, proud to be bisexual!

04-04-2011, 02:49 PM	#10
pymani96 getDare Sweetheart Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: - Posts: 354	Pymani... Bootifull! This message comes from the one and only terry tibbs. Talk to me Pymani

04-05-2011, 02:03 PM	#11
immaeatu Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Unicorn Village <3 Posts: 147	this is exactly the same as another story thatt was written a LONG while back. i dont remember who wrote it though. but i remember that exactly this haappened. __________________ i wish i had a tentacle beard... props to you Davy Jones ;o Newly in a relationship with my David <3

04-05-2011, 04:45 PM	#12
kallumbj Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: London, United Kingdom Posts: 41	Really?! Oh I will delete this one then and re-create it, I honestly didnt know. Thanks for letting me know. I might finish this and then make another one __________________ Kallumbj Don't try to look for gold at the end of the rainbow, trust me, I've been wanting to find some since I was ten... and believe me.. the land of Leprechauns isn't so lucky. Unless you have a four leaf-clover. Also, proud to be bisexual!