Another Loaf on the Shelf
Subs should learn the difference between needs and wants...
Yeah, everyone should learn the difference between needs and wants. Like, maybe it should be discussed between a dom and sub. Instead of one just telling the other.
Because you know what I need? Air, water, food, sleep, and shelter.
I don't know how other subs read the need vs. want thing, but that's where my divide is.
I don't need: D/s, treats, cuddles, orgasms, or a host of other things. But I want them. A lot.
But I think there's a neglected category in there. Because so far I've just been talking about my individual needs and wants. A relationship has needs too. And individuals have needs that go beyond basic survival if they are to maintain that relationship in a healthy state.
A big one for me is cuddles. I'm not saying I'm going to be all "I want cuddles now and if you say no, we are done forever!" But, I can't handle them being withdrawn for what I see as a paltry reason and not build up resentment.
*Note to the Needs Over Wants Doms: Be careful telling a sub to learn the difference between wants and needs. They may learn they don't need you.
**Note to all: Wouldn't mind everyone else's take on needs vs. wants and how they define them.
Yeah, everyone should learn the difference between needs and wants. Like, maybe it should be discussed between a dom and sub. Instead of one just telling the other.
Because you know what I need? Air, water, food, sleep, and shelter.
I don't know how other subs read the need vs. want thing, but that's where my divide is.
I don't need: D/s, treats, cuddles, orgasms, or a host of other things. But I want them. A lot.
But I think there's a neglected category in there. Because so far I've just been talking about my individual needs and wants. A relationship has needs too. And individuals have needs that go beyond basic survival if they are to maintain that relationship in a healthy state.
A big one for me is cuddles. I'm not saying I'm going to be all "I want cuddles now and if you say no, we are done forever!" But, I can't handle them being withdrawn for what I see as a paltry reason and not build up resentment.
*Note to the Needs Over Wants Doms: Be careful telling a sub to learn the difference between wants and needs. They may learn they don't need you.
**Note to all: Wouldn't mind everyone else's take on needs vs. wants and how they define them.
Total Comments 14
Comments
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I want to be needed but I dont always need to be wanted.Posted 09-08-2014 at 11:45 PM by 2bchew 
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I'll take either.Quote:Originally Posted by 2bchew
I want to be needed but I dont always need to be wanted.
But I read an interesting note the other day. I wish I could find it again. But, basically, it proposed that being needed means someone is keeping you around because they must. If you're wanted, someone has chosen to be with you.Posted 09-08-2014 at 11:54 PM by kittenlyss
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@kitten : An interesting branch of philosophy, which has all sorts of tangential discussions, such as nurture and nature, and other more obscure things.
I think it's a bit limiting to restrict your needs to those which will simply keep you alive. I'd tend to think that wants which keep you sane, even happy, could be classed as needs as well. For example (an extreme, of course, but they sometimes make the best examples) if you were perfectly well fed, clothed, rested and housed, and you had nice clean air to breathe - and nothing else; that is no interests, no entertainment, no mental stimulation, no physical stimulation - how long would you stay sane?
I'd like to think some of the wants we find satisfaction for here on gD are actually needs. Tink satisfies a number of my wants (very, very well!), even though she has no effect on the physical survival needs listed above. But she helps keep me sane, because she scratches my metaphorical itches by being there to provide for wants that run so deep for me that I'd class them as needs.
The alternative, suppression of our wants, could lead to problems for us almost as serious as some of the survival needs.
Am I getting too deep and meaningful? Sorry, but I find it hard to not go into lecture mode sometimes!
Forgot to add: I like your face!Posted 09-09-2014 at 12:16 AM by Wardell
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@Wardell: While you're probably right about some of what I consider wants being necessary for mental/emotional health, I tend to take a harsher? view. Not to say I live a minimalist lifestyle. *gazes in delight at all my pretty things* Because I totally don't. And, by the way, whether or not I am currently sane is up for debate.
And while I'm not above telling Almost that I "need playtime because I'm losing my mind," I also don't mean that I really need it. Well, maybe by your definition I do. But if he just really didn't have time, I would be ok (although not happy, denial of playtime is totally pout-worthy).
And, to be honest, I've never tried very hard to go without wants, so not sure how crazy(er) I would become.
But, when it really comes down to it, I want my relationship with Almost enough that if I had a list of wantneeds, he would be right up there with chocolate.
Is there such a thing as too deep and meaningful? And I really enjoy hearing other points of view. So feel free to wax lectural.
*liked Gandalf's face back*Posted 09-09-2014 at 12:41 AM by kittenlyss
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First of all ... I am so very happy to see your post as I was still seething from a certain comment that was made by a certain unnamed person ... anyways ...
For me, I would have to agree that in the needs category there are the basics, shelter, food etc. But, once you have fulfilled those needs, and you are physically taken care of safe, it is human nature to seek out happiness. And you can't be happy without certain things. Each individual person needs different things in order to be happy and grow. While I may need cuddles and affection, John Smith down the street, may need to be left alone.
When it comes to relationships, I think the basic needs for survival are different from an individual person, but they are still there. In order for a relationship to survive, you need trust, communication, etc. and then once those are fulfilled, there are other things needed for the relationship to be able to grow and be a healthy relationship.
I do think that as a society, at least in this part of the world, we tend to exaggerate when we speak. We use hyperboles all the time. We will say we are "starving" when in fact we ate a meal less than 12 hours ago, or we will say "I need to have that really sparkly thing over there" when in fact, I am not going to die without it, I just really badly want it.
I am guilty of saying "I will die" when it comes to doing something embarrassing or really difficult for me, or being denied orgasms. However, we all know that it isn't true (and thank you Asslvr for not actually testing the theory ... yet).
But, my point is, saying you need something, rather than just wanting it, can be a figure of speech, or it can be a genuine need in that moment, even if somebody else doesn't share the same view.
Every person is different. And it is nobody's business to tell you what you need or want. It enrages me when somebody makes a blanket statement about all people, or all subs, like the one that started this conversation.
That is all ... (sorry for rambling but I have been frustrated since last night when I virtually punched the member who made the statement)Posted 09-09-2014 at 09:54 AM by Butterfly
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@butterfly: You could say I was driven to write this by a certain incident. So what's written may be a bit harsher than what I would normally say, as I was still kind of in the heat of the moment.
But I think you're right. It's human nature to seek out things that satisfy us. I suppose the reason my view on the matter comes out a little harsher than most is because I put up so many walls and am ready to cut ties, or at least draw back quite a bit, at the first sign of discord. While I enjoy all the little extras, and would likely go mad if they were all gone from my life, I never feel comfortable allowing myself to rely on one source for anything. The minute I think "this is the only person I can go to for this," I start freaking out and feel like I'm being too dependent. So I'm rarely ever willing to say I need any one particular person. One of the reasons it took me months to work up to committed D/s with Almost. You could say I have massive trust issues.
But where I'm at right now feels great. I don't know if I'm willing to say I need it. But I do get cravings. That's like an intense want, to my mind.
And, yes, we do have a tendency to exaggerate and say things we don't quite mean. I swear, the next time I hear somebody say they are a no limits slave (for instance), I am literally going to leap through the screen and throttle them.
Posted 09-09-2014 at 08:46 PM by kittenlyss
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@kittenlyss: I think that's a health perspective though, to not be so reliant on a single person that they are necessary to your ability to actually live. That's a red flag, unless you are literally a child. Needs and wants make up a spectrum - at one end are things that we absolutely need, the basics, and at the other are pure wants that we could most certainly do without. Most things fall along the middle.
Now, the no limits thing - I completely agree. I read a humorous article on that on FL a while back, where the dom said that whenever he encountered a sub who told him she had no limits, he would say something along the lines of "okay, well what I'd like to do is beat you within an inch of your life with a bat and then set parts of you on fire," just to get the point across that we all do, in fact, have limits if we actually think it through.Posted 09-09-2014 at 10:07 PM by naughtylittlegirl
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I figured as much from what I saw last night. I feel like my comment may have been a bit harsh as well. It is just sad that the person this blog was inspired by, probably won't even read it.
Posted 09-09-2014 at 11:07 PM by Butterfly
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You have hit on a very major key in the connection of twon in relationship. For some, they know what they want. For others, they need to feel that wanted side, and the efforts that go along with it. The thoughts of saying, I know what I want is from how you as a person has your head together. The thoughts in the head of that needing side, is something that everyone in life truly needs. No matter who and what kind of relationship they fall into. It is that search in life, that really can overtake people, at the worst time in there life. That is during the period of how there wall is down, and they need to feel needed but at times, it is in the wrong way, and then it is to late by the time they get there head together. As it is with that dream of how this is what I want. Then, this is what I need at this time in my life. The deal is, you must be fully sure of yourself. That is the key factor.
You listed some very good points in how you feel as a person.Posted 09-10-2014 at 01:48 AM by MasterDaddy02
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I feel like I missed something important here so this might be all out in left field and out of context but I wanted to say:
I have definite needs when it comes to a D/S relationships that are not at all related to my physical/emotional regular life needs. In regular life I am very nonmaterialistic, I need very little to be happy. I need the list like what you said, food, water, heat, a mattress, a shower and some clothes to wear. I very rarely have and keep anything in abundance, I have rarely in my life had a lot of nice things. I got overjoyed when my friend gave me an actual bed with a headboard and footboard, because I have never had one before.
To be happy in (and therefore stay in and maintain) a D/S relationship I need much more. I need to be cared for, I need someone emotionally intelligent, I need to feel like what they are giving is proportional to what I am giving, I need someone capable of building trust, and I need to feel protected. I consider those needs in that context, because if I don't have them, I will eventually end the relationship. As far as my physical/emotional real life needs go, I am willing to give up a lot to make someone else happy, as long as they do the things I need.Posted 09-10-2014 at 02:58 PM by Happy Me
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Its not perfect, but Maslow notes several needs beyond physical needs of food water and shelter.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow'...archy_of_needs
Several of those come in to play in bdsm relationships (and many in relationships in general)
Safety, Love/Belonging and Esteem.
For me, I NEED to be humiliated from time to time. Its not that I'll absolutely die if I am not, but my health WILL deteriorate. Over time, if I am neglected, my mood changes first, but then my body changes. I get very tense often, I sometimes even break out in pimples due to the lack of stress relief.
After a scene, I also have needs, which, if not addressed won't kill me, but will affect my health. I suffer sub drop, sometimes pretty sharply. After I experience a major scene or humiliation, I get almost weepy sometimes. I am very tactile at those times. If not addressed, I can certainly bottle up the emotions and eventually get over it all, but I'm sure its better for me from a needs standpoint if I don't.Posted 09-10-2014 at 04:06 PM by Alexis Rune
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I love all your faces. And not just because you made awesome points.
I think that maybe I'm a bit paranoid and don't like telling someone that I need them or something from them.
And I agree that a need has to be considered in context.Posted 09-10-2014 at 08:50 PM by kittenlyss
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I believe that its a need if it will give you a good quality of life. Its hard to say "these are my needs" because if you had all of them you'd be an incredibly lucky person. I think that there are three categories, physical needs, emotional needs, and wants. But the emotional needs are selective. You don't need them ALL. If I had only food, water, clothes, shelter I probably would end up killing myself due to being bored 24/7 and then depressed that I couldn't talk to anyone. It wouldn't be living, it'd be surviving. That's my outlook on things anyway :P
Posted 09-11-2014 at 02:19 AM by leftysheppey
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Not read everything as it got quite lengthy and I'm still struggling with focus. We already chatted somewhat about it too.Quote:Originally Posted by kittenlyss
I'll take either.
But I read an interesting note the other day. I wish I could find it again. But, basically, it proposed that being needed means someone is keeping you around because they must. If you're wanted, someone has chosen to be with you.
But that's exactly the point I think I made. A need is only preent to attain a result - people don't NEED food. They NEED food TO survive and not fall ill etc tc.
Ergo, some "wants" are a form of need. The need to play to prevent hugely negative feelings (not every playtime is needed, but some are). I think one I mentioned was hugs - a large part of my mental state is negatively affected by the fact I haven't had a cuddle in over 3 years now and it is something I need for good metnal health etc...
Not all things that are wants are always just wants.Posted 09-11-2014 at 08:02 PM by DoingMyBest
