After Effects of 400th Edge Dare
After Effects of 400th Edge Dare Continued:
Dravot told me he was proud of me for completing the dare, but I couldn’t and still can’t say the same. I told him I would be back later, because I had to go and let myself cry.
I had so many thoughts racing through my mind. I was pissed at myself for letting Dravot to convince me to do the dare without using my ass. I was pissed at myself for continuing the dare after I saw a bruise starting to form. I KNEW it was a limit of mine as soon as I saw it. But I didn’t use sound judgment. I was just horrified that I had left so many bruises on my breasts. I was angry at myself for not going to grab something cold to help my bruises out of fear of being seen or questioned by it.
But most of all, I was ashamed in myself for one main issue. Until this point, I had kept my activities on getDare a secret from my fiancé. I never told him that my idea of an edge challenge originated from Frosty. I never told him how I was obtaining all my edges. I never told him about any of it. He knew I came to getDare for ideas for us to potentially use in the future, such as the ice play we tried when we were together. But he did not know I was interacting with others to get sexual dares, or blogging about it, or even writing about him in some of my blogs and in my truth thread.
I Skype with my fiancé, and he sees my body. I knew I had to fess up to him. I sent him a link to my truth thread, sub wars competition, and another where Dravot and I temporarily Dommed a guy for about a week, and I made it so guests could read my blog. I had to show him everything first, to explain, before I could show him the bruises.
Fortunately, he is okay with what I’m doing for the most part. He isn’t thrilled about it of course, and is mostly upset that I didn't tell him sooner, but he accepts it, and will allow me to keep ‘playing’ the way I have on here. That was my main concern (not that I could keep playing, but his reaction).
But there are so many after effects too.
My family is pretty relaxed around one another, and it is a fairly regular occurrence for my mother and I to see each other naked from time to time, such as right before or after a shower. I have had to be extremely careful that she wouldn’t see me naked.
I have gone swimming a few times with another friend, and generally change right in the locker room. I still did, but I felt so scared that I would somehow be seen. The last thing I want is for someone to see my bruises and start questioning whether I’m abused or not, and it isn’t like I’d want to come out and directly say “Oh, I’m just into BDSM and inflicted these bruises on myself.” I would be NUTS to do that. In an ideal world, it wouldn’t matter, but we live in the real world.
For a few days after the dare, every time I looked at or thought about my bruises, I started to cry, which is why it has taken me so long to finally write this report.
My bruises are almost healed, and so am I. There really isn’t any need to be disappointed in myself. As my fiancé/Master mentioned, I want to push myself out of my comfort zone, and I won’t be able to discover my real limits without doing so. Bruising is now something I know I will never want to happen again. I also need to STOP doing a dare, or modify it IMMEDIATELY if anything breaks a limit, whether I already knew it as one, or discovered a personal limit.
Dravot was extremely sorry for what I went through, but as I mentioned to him almost immediately, it wasn’t his fault. It is ultimately my responsibility to be responsible about everything, and in this case, I wasn’t. I have made a plan however, to help ensure nothing like this will happen again.
For any future dares that leave something up to choice, or has ANY potential risk of safety, I will be sending a pre-report with any questions and how I intend on doing my dare. This is so that Dravot can answer my questions and either ‘approve’ my plan, or to give any advice, suggestions, warnings, adjustments/modifications/ anything he can think of that would help me in being safer with dares. Obviously, not all dares will require this, but if they do, such steps will be taken.
I sincerely hope that I will not have another dare that affects me the way this one did ever again. But, like I mentioned in my spanking blog, I will share both my successes and my failures with you. While I 'succeeded' at this dare..., I failed to maintain my own limits.
At least now, my fiance has been made aware of everything, and the guilt I've felt for keeping it from him is gone. And that is the best thing that came out of this!
And on another note that has come to mind after a nice private message from someone, I don't regret anything. I'm not proud of myself for finishing the dare obviously, but what's done is done. I have learned from it, and I have almost completely moved on. It won't be much longer. I do my best not to regret anything I do, and as long as I learn something from the mistakes I make, it is fairly easy for me to do.
Dravot told me he was proud of me for completing the dare, but I couldn’t and still can’t say the same. I told him I would be back later, because I had to go and let myself cry.
I had so many thoughts racing through my mind. I was pissed at myself for letting Dravot to convince me to do the dare without using my ass. I was pissed at myself for continuing the dare after I saw a bruise starting to form. I KNEW it was a limit of mine as soon as I saw it. But I didn’t use sound judgment. I was just horrified that I had left so many bruises on my breasts. I was angry at myself for not going to grab something cold to help my bruises out of fear of being seen or questioned by it.
But most of all, I was ashamed in myself for one main issue. Until this point, I had kept my activities on getDare a secret from my fiancé. I never told him that my idea of an edge challenge originated from Frosty. I never told him how I was obtaining all my edges. I never told him about any of it. He knew I came to getDare for ideas for us to potentially use in the future, such as the ice play we tried when we were together. But he did not know I was interacting with others to get sexual dares, or blogging about it, or even writing about him in some of my blogs and in my truth thread.
I Skype with my fiancé, and he sees my body. I knew I had to fess up to him. I sent him a link to my truth thread, sub wars competition, and another where Dravot and I temporarily Dommed a guy for about a week, and I made it so guests could read my blog. I had to show him everything first, to explain, before I could show him the bruises.
Fortunately, he is okay with what I’m doing for the most part. He isn’t thrilled about it of course, and is mostly upset that I didn't tell him sooner, but he accepts it, and will allow me to keep ‘playing’ the way I have on here. That was my main concern (not that I could keep playing, but his reaction).
But there are so many after effects too.
My family is pretty relaxed around one another, and it is a fairly regular occurrence for my mother and I to see each other naked from time to time, such as right before or after a shower. I have had to be extremely careful that she wouldn’t see me naked.
I have gone swimming a few times with another friend, and generally change right in the locker room. I still did, but I felt so scared that I would somehow be seen. The last thing I want is for someone to see my bruises and start questioning whether I’m abused or not, and it isn’t like I’d want to come out and directly say “Oh, I’m just into BDSM and inflicted these bruises on myself.” I would be NUTS to do that. In an ideal world, it wouldn’t matter, but we live in the real world.
For a few days after the dare, every time I looked at or thought about my bruises, I started to cry, which is why it has taken me so long to finally write this report.
My bruises are almost healed, and so am I. There really isn’t any need to be disappointed in myself. As my fiancé/Master mentioned, I want to push myself out of my comfort zone, and I won’t be able to discover my real limits without doing so. Bruising is now something I know I will never want to happen again. I also need to STOP doing a dare, or modify it IMMEDIATELY if anything breaks a limit, whether I already knew it as one, or discovered a personal limit.
Dravot was extremely sorry for what I went through, but as I mentioned to him almost immediately, it wasn’t his fault. It is ultimately my responsibility to be responsible about everything, and in this case, I wasn’t. I have made a plan however, to help ensure nothing like this will happen again.
For any future dares that leave something up to choice, or has ANY potential risk of safety, I will be sending a pre-report with any questions and how I intend on doing my dare. This is so that Dravot can answer my questions and either ‘approve’ my plan, or to give any advice, suggestions, warnings, adjustments/modifications/ anything he can think of that would help me in being safer with dares. Obviously, not all dares will require this, but if they do, such steps will be taken.
I sincerely hope that I will not have another dare that affects me the way this one did ever again. But, like I mentioned in my spanking blog, I will share both my successes and my failures with you. While I 'succeeded' at this dare..., I failed to maintain my own limits.
At least now, my fiance has been made aware of everything, and the guilt I've felt for keeping it from him is gone. And that is the best thing that came out of this!
And on another note that has come to mind after a nice private message from someone, I don't regret anything. I'm not proud of myself for finishing the dare obviously, but what's done is done. I have learned from it, and I have almost completely moved on. It won't be much longer. I do my best not to regret anything I do, and as long as I learn something from the mistakes I make, it is fairly easy for me to do.
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