A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
Black Hole
I am halfway through my visit in Ontario and it isn't going well.
Don't get me wrong, I have really enjoyed spending time with my younger brother. Him and I are really close and he is so busy that we don't get to talk much when I am away , so it has been so nice to spend a little time with him. But he also works a lot and we only get a few hours a day. I have also been spending time with my best friend and her son and fiance (who also happens to be my cousin). And of course my 13 year old cousin who hasn't left my side in a week.
But the rest of the time, I have been hiding in the room I'm staying in.
My mom's fiance is a complete ass and day 1 started with him screaming and yelling and basically throwing a fit and it hasn't got any better from there. On top of that, my other brother had spent his time calling me names and telling me to "fuck off".
On top of that, I am starting to slip back into feeling insecure and unimportant. It seems that my opinion doesn't matter, my feelings are irrelevant and I am nobody's priority.
This place is a black hole and I am being sucked in.
At least I know I made a good choice with my move. I have been so happy with my new life, my new friends, my new job and the love of my life.
I do really miss some people here and I love spending time with them, but I just don't think this is a healthy environment for me. Especially when I don't have any freedom (no vehicle, no public transportation and over an hour and a half from my friends).
I feel on the verge of tears a lot. I have had small twinges of the urge to hurt myself. I feel like hiding and running away. I feel like I am inadequate. That nobody cares about me being here. These are things I haven't felt in so long. And only a few days here have brought them all back.
I am being sucked into this black hole and I still have a week left before I can go home.
Don't get me wrong, I have really enjoyed spending time with my younger brother. Him and I are really close and he is so busy that we don't get to talk much when I am away , so it has been so nice to spend a little time with him. But he also works a lot and we only get a few hours a day. I have also been spending time with my best friend and her son and fiance (who also happens to be my cousin). And of course my 13 year old cousin who hasn't left my side in a week.
But the rest of the time, I have been hiding in the room I'm staying in.
My mom's fiance is a complete ass and day 1 started with him screaming and yelling and basically throwing a fit and it hasn't got any better from there. On top of that, my other brother had spent his time calling me names and telling me to "fuck off".
On top of that, I am starting to slip back into feeling insecure and unimportant. It seems that my opinion doesn't matter, my feelings are irrelevant and I am nobody's priority.
This place is a black hole and I am being sucked in.
At least I know I made a good choice with my move. I have been so happy with my new life, my new friends, my new job and the love of my life.
I do really miss some people here and I love spending time with them, but I just don't think this is a healthy environment for me. Especially when I don't have any freedom (no vehicle, no public transportation and over an hour and a half from my friends).
I feel on the verge of tears a lot. I have had small twinges of the urge to hurt myself. I feel like hiding and running away. I feel like I am inadequate. That nobody cares about me being here. These are things I haven't felt in so long. And only a few days here have brought them all back.
I am being sucked into this black hole and I still have a week left before I can go home.
Total Comments 4
Comments
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Stay stong sweetie, you have come so far since we met. I believe in you and hope you can stay positive. When you need to just think of us and how happy we are together. You can make it through, I know you can♡Posted 01-01-2017 at 10:08 PM by Mr. Devious 
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Big hugs. I am so sorry you're being treated that way by your mom's fiance and your older brother. That is absolutely not a reflection on you, that is evidence of their issues, their anger problems, their insecurity. You are beautiful, strong, friendly, loving, encouraging, and I am so glad you don't have to be in that environment all the time anymore.
Please do whatever you have to in order to protect yourself, keep your mind and emotions safe, recover, anything. Find a Tim Hortons, grab a few books, and curl up with a coffee until your younger brother is off work. Window shop to get out of the house. Bundle up and go for a walk if possible. Choose something that asslvr tells you all the time that encourages you, or a particular message that he's sent you that makes you feel loved - keep it handy on your phone and read it and rehearse it in your mind whenever you need to focus on something else. If you need to shift or cancel plans to protect yourself, please know that you are well within your rights to do so; and some people might throw a fit, and I know that's incredibly hard when it involves your mom, but you are not required to sacrifice your health and safety for the convenience or shittiness of others. Ever.
You really are wonderful and don't deserve such treatment. You don't. And anytime those thoughts come into your mind, challenge them with the truth, that you are an incredible person and the problem is quite obviously the environment you used to be in and not you. And if that isn't enough to combat those thoughts, then send out the bat-signal to anyone and everyone, on here, in chat, to asslvr, to friends and family elsewhere, and we will bombard you with distractions and encouragement and happy things. Prioritise yourself. You are absolutely worth it.Posted 01-01-2017 at 10:09 PM by naughtylittlegirl
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Oh Dear! You are such a wonderful thinking person, not just thoughtful of others, but thinking about the community around you. You see intricacies readily. You are smart. Right now you need to remember the facts of life about pig wrestling, in various forms:
1. If you wrestle a pig you wind up in the mud with the pig - but the pig likes it.
2. If you get down to wrestle a pig you can't win because the pig has more experience in the mud.
3. <make up your own>
4. Da Man Says: "I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it." - George Bernard Shaw
Prescription #1: Take a look at those few words in my PMs where I said what I thought of you. That might help lift your spirits a bit - sometimes others see us more clearly than we do ourselves. (Am I boasting? LOL)
Prescription #2: Remember that a day or so ago you probably helped someone be less vulnerable to her awkward situation. A small thing but a reach-out with a gentle word and wisdom to someone who needed it. At least that's my view. You made a difference there - small but real and that's how the world is built.
Prescription #3: Rip 'n' read. Get a cheap novel or two or three and hole up with them. Get drawn into the story, be it mystery, adventure, romance, etc. Get carried away. It might be ebooks. Did you know that your library (if you are a member) probably has some erotic romance novels, some even with light bdsm themes and activities? You pull them down to your device and voila - hide-out material!
Prescription #4: Go out for a walk. There is always someplace around - even if it is boring it will bring you fresh air and get your blood pumping a bit. Inspect the nearest cemetery - look at the old stones. Walk along the nearest water: pond, river, etc. even in winter. Walk a bit faster,just for the sake of walking. If there are stores - check them out. Even a hardware store or building centre, just for fun. And if the brother you like wants to come along, good. Others, decline or slip out when they are busy (bathroom usually works for that!) or if you have comfy clothes, go in the rain or snow. That is a fun thing to do anyway if you are dressed for it.
You matter.
You are important.
You are intelligent.
You care about others.
Others care about you.
Others want to help you even if we think you are strong and smart enough that you are unlikely to need our help. :-)Posted 01-01-2017 at 10:30 PM by MarvHarvey
Updated 01-02-2017 at 10:19 PM by MarvHarvey -
ohhhhhhwwgggg
You are important!!!
You are a priority!!!!
We think about you!!!!!Posted 01-01-2017 at 11:59 PM by sir sam
