A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
Giving in to submission
Posted 12-07-2017 at 03:00 PM by Butterfly
It has been a long time since I have had the opportunity to feel truly subby.
Asslvr and I took a break for over a year from our D/s relationship. Although we continued to be kinky in the bedroom, I never really allowed myself to give in fully. Our sessions were fun, and hot and I got to cum and beg lots ... but I was also bratty and smart mouthed and had other things on my mind.
It is hard to turn my brain off. It is running constantly, and the same is true during sexy or play times. I remember one time during sex thinking "Shit, we forgot to buy milk!".
When I truly give in to submission, those things subside. They fade or disappear and I am fully present to submitting to my Dom. In order to fully submit, I need to have full trust in the person who I am submitting to. I need to know that they will keep me safe, that they will listen to my safeword if I need it, that they will watch my body language and that they will not leave me afterwards. I need to feel safe being vulnerable with them.
Over the last 6 months, I have done a few trial period with different Doms. Some have gone well, others have gone terrible, but I never did find the right match. Regardless, one thing that I found was that I struggled to just submit. I remember one Dom getting upset with me because when he asked me to put the magic wand on my nipples, I told him that I would, but that it doesn't do anything for me. Later he told me that I needed to just submit and share those comments later.
It really made me stop and think. Even with Asslvr, who I trust completely, and who knows me better than I know myself at times, something has held me back for a long time from allowing myself to slip into that subby mindset. Maybe it is because I have felt too bratty, maybe it is not being able to turn my brain off or maybe I just need a push to switch from the subby mindset from being Dommy all the time.
Whatever the reason, I have struggled.
Asslvr and I have been toying with the idea of him Domming me again. I really love him being my Dom. I want to be his good little subby girl again. But I don't know how. I have almost given up a few times now but I really don't want to.
Help me!
Am I alone in this feeling?
Does anybody else struggle with getting into the subby mindset sometimes?
Subs, what have you done to help yourself feel more subby?
Doms, what have you done to help your Sub get ready for playtime or to help them submit fully?
Asslvr and I took a break for over a year from our D/s relationship. Although we continued to be kinky in the bedroom, I never really allowed myself to give in fully. Our sessions were fun, and hot and I got to cum and beg lots ... but I was also bratty and smart mouthed and had other things on my mind.
It is hard to turn my brain off. It is running constantly, and the same is true during sexy or play times. I remember one time during sex thinking "Shit, we forgot to buy milk!".
When I truly give in to submission, those things subside. They fade or disappear and I am fully present to submitting to my Dom. In order to fully submit, I need to have full trust in the person who I am submitting to. I need to know that they will keep me safe, that they will listen to my safeword if I need it, that they will watch my body language and that they will not leave me afterwards. I need to feel safe being vulnerable with them.
Over the last 6 months, I have done a few trial period with different Doms. Some have gone well, others have gone terrible, but I never did find the right match. Regardless, one thing that I found was that I struggled to just submit. I remember one Dom getting upset with me because when he asked me to put the magic wand on my nipples, I told him that I would, but that it doesn't do anything for me. Later he told me that I needed to just submit and share those comments later.
It really made me stop and think. Even with Asslvr, who I trust completely, and who knows me better than I know myself at times, something has held me back for a long time from allowing myself to slip into that subby mindset. Maybe it is because I have felt too bratty, maybe it is not being able to turn my brain off or maybe I just need a push to switch from the subby mindset from being Dommy all the time.
Whatever the reason, I have struggled.
Asslvr and I have been toying with the idea of him Domming me again. I really love him being my Dom. I want to be his good little subby girl again. But I don't know how. I have almost given up a few times now but I really don't want to.
Help me!
Am I alone in this feeling?
Does anybody else struggle with getting into the subby mindset sometimes?
Subs, what have you done to help yourself feel more subby?
Doms, what have you done to help your Sub get ready for playtime or to help them submit fully?
Total Comments 19
Comments
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Hmm, seems familiar and somehow not.
Have you tried an icecube up your ass, or three, or five?
Another thing: XXL tunnel plug. Collar? With leash? Push-ups on knees?
That's what gets me feeling more submissive.
Posted 12-07-2017 at 03:02 PM by CSasha 
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It isn't so much about what the task is .... Ice in my ass is a limit, so are collars. But even without those, Asslvr has inserted many different toys inside me, large ones, small ones, edged me over and over and I still cannot seem to give in.
If I am not making funny comments, I am thinking about groceries and household chores.Posted 12-07-2017 at 03:05 PM by Butterfly
Updated 12-07-2017 at 03:07 PM by Butterfly -
Hmm, strange. *poking you in a medical fashion, head scratching*
Have you tried reading a few stories?Posted 12-07-2017 at 03:13 PM by CSasha
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Reading stories and watching porn makes me horny, but it doesn't make me feel subby and ready to submit.
Posted 12-07-2017 at 03:16 PM by Butterfly
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Are hypno files or videos something for you? How about deepthroats?
Kissing his feet? Corner time? I am sorry, if it looks like I am wildly guessing. I am.Posted 12-07-2017 at 03:45 PM by CSasha
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I would try a hypno file, but I am not sure if it would work on me because I am a bit skeptical.
Deepthroats are also a limit. I am clausterphobic and have a fear of gagging/vomiting. Cornertime is a limit due to abuse as a child.
Kissing his fight or something along those lines may word.
I don't mind the guessing. I guess i am just skeptical that there is one magical task that will make me feel subby. I think it is a lot more than that.Posted 12-07-2017 at 03:52 PM by Butterfly
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I can certainly relate to some of that, the not feeling in the moment feeling (while subbing or tbh otherwise) I'd imagine is pretty common and I don't think there's one solution for everyone.
I took a long break for subbing as, to cut a long story short, things just stopped feeling interesting and exciting. I suppose for me the thing that gets me into a subby mindset most is trying something new. It may be giving control to someone new or something less obvious like trying a new kink or giving control of something different to a dom (like denial, clothing control, etc.) It's probably that exciting slightly uncomfortable feeling of stepping into the unknown which gets me into the right frame of mind best to push all other distractions away.
I guess there could be more at work; certainly when I'm stressed, busy and/or tired there's nothing that's going to get me subbing well. Clear out your distractions as best you can (like buy that milk
), engage in something new you'll find exciting and see where it leads would be my guess then.Posted 12-07-2017 at 04:45 PM by PrincessJessica
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I feel submission is something that should come naturally and if you are not feeling subby to do something particular, it is more so because you can't achieve sub space mentally and you can't force yourself to achieve that. What I would suggest observing that you always like new projects (like matchmaking, competitions etc) that you take submission as a project now, make a few short term goals that you want to achieve with asslvr as your Dom, document it.. basically start afresh with him!Posted 12-07-2017 at 05:28 PM by nina@
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A lot of my issues of being comfortable around my SO and fully getting into it stem from me being uncomfortable with myself and being too worried about what he'll think of me or me being too worried about making a fool of myself. It's not that I don't want to do those things, it's just a mental block because I don't always love myself the same way he loves me.
Posted 12-07-2017 at 09:08 PM by Red
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I definitely struggle sometimes! I am 99.5% sub - pretty much as submissive as I can be and still function as a human being - but I still don't feel submissive all the time. I get anxious, pouty, and react to both real and imaginary issues that definitely get in the way of hitting a subby stride.
The things that help for me are:
1) Safe space
I have the benefit that my dominant doesn't live in my home, which makes it much easier to say, "This time together is not for groceries, or worrying about work, or planning out when I can fit in a trip to the laundromat," but I know couples who plan that kind of time into their schedule too. "At 7pm, we are starting this movie, you're sitting on the floor at my feet, and you're going to be mine for the next 3 hours. Anything that didn't get done by then will be ok to leave until tomorrow." Of course, you have to support each other in this. Honor the plans you make together. Help each other be ok with setting aside time to nurture your relationship this way. When someone is freaked out about not getting milk, offer them an alternative ("We can drink water/Open that wine bottle at brunch/I'll remind you in the morning/I'll grab it tomorrow for you, ok?/Maybe tonight I can finally take you to the grocery in a rope harness!") so you build confidence that life will be ok even when you take the night to let go with each other.
2) Physical cues
Some couples switch into their D/s space by putting on cuffs or collars (I knew of one pair who would set out a collar on the table when one of them wanted to play. If their partner picked it up and put it on, they would move into play space; if not, after an hour it would be quietly put away with nothing else needing to be said.) When I'm really anxious and wound up, I've been known to settle when touched with a certain grip that draws my attention to the squeezing of that hand. In general, it can help to do something that makes you feel subby. Maybe put something in your mouth so you drool instead of make witty comments (not to shut you up, but to help shift your brain's focus away from the need to comment). Maybe do something that physically pushes your limits just a little, so you have to focus to make it work. Maybe just sit on the floor, and focus on how that rule makes you feel smaller or more subby. Any cue that works for you should help quiet the over-active part of your brain, and condition you over time to be more present in the moment when you feel the cue happen.
3) Try new things
(Or at least do something specific that you can't skip ahead on)
I think maleforyou is onto something when he says that stepping into the slightly uncomfortable unknown helps subbiness happen! You could also try to combine things in different ways. Do a counting exercise (spankings, seconds with your vibe, whatever) and let your partner decide how to switch up what happens at the end of the count (repeat the action, change to a harder position, use a scarier implement, etc.) The novelty - or adherence to instruction when you don't know what will come next - helps keep your brain from trying to skip ahead to the next task. Taking on a whole scene might feel like too much for an overactive brain, but you might be able to trust fully for "just the next count of ten (or thirty)", which can be repeated as desired to help make subby moments more habitual.
4) Communicate
After it's all done - whether it's just 5 minutes of obedience while trying not to be overly sassy, or a whole complicated session - take some time afterwards or the next day to compliment your partner on something you loved about it. If an aspect of the scene was difficult for you, talk about that too, and do your best to give constructive insight on either why it worked for you, or why you think it didn't. It's best to use "I statements" (not "You didn't hit me very hard, and I got scared you didn't want to," but "I loved when you spanked me over the big pink pillow, and was almost-sad when you stopped; next time do you think we could go a little further as long as I don't safeword?"). Agree that when stuff happens you'll talk about it after you've both cleared your heads from the scene; trusting a strong framework for discussion builds trust in-scene as you find ways to correct course, and healthy course corrections make it simpler over time to trust yourself to let go safely in the moment.Posted 12-07-2017 at 09:15 PM by kurious kat
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Something like this would be a very normal reaction for me. Especially if its with a "newish" dom that doesnt know yet, letting them know is a good thing and doesnt make you any less submissive in my opinion. If he knows and still wants you to do that, wheres the issue in him saying so?Quote:I remember one Dom getting upset with me because when he asked me to put the magic wand on my nipples, I told him that I would, but that it doesn't do anything for me. Later he told me that I needed to just submit and share those comments later.Posted 12-08-2017 at 07:50 AM by LaurasStar
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I am capable of doing hypnosis via Kik if you would like the help. Tortillas have also helped with my subbiness.Posted 12-08-2017 at 08:18 AM by Clever_one
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How about some denial?Posted 12-08-2017 at 08:53 AM by SweetTeen
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I too have have has a long break from submission but it was not because it wasn't exciting or interesting, but more because I didn't have a Dom partner. I am certainly going to try to buy milk, and make things less stressfull, and I may try something new or challenging to push distractions away.Quote:Originally Posted by maleforyou
I can certainly relate to some of that, the not feeling in the moment feeling (while subbing or tbh otherwise) I'd imagine is pretty common and I don't think there's one solution for everyone.
I took a long break for subbing as, to cut a long story short, things just stopped feeling interesting and exciting. I suppose for me the thing that gets me into a subby mindset most is trying something new. It may be giving control to someone new or something less obvious like trying a new kink or giving control of something different to a dom (like denial, clothing control, etc.) It's probably that exciting slightly uncomfortable feeling of stepping into the unknown which gets me into the right frame of mind best to push all other distractions away.
I guess there could be more at work; certainly when I'm stressed, busy and/or tired there's nothing that's going to get me subbing well. Clear out your distractions as best you can (like buy that milk), engage in something new you'll find exciting and see where it leads would be my guess then.
Thank you for your suggestions.Posted 12-08-2017 at 09:25 AM by Butterfly
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I agree that submission needs to come naturally as well. I am naturally subby and I have been able to achieve sub space in the past so I know I can do it. I guess it does make sense to start fresh though, rather than having things so familiar that it just becomes routine.Quote:Originally Posted by nina@
I feel submission is something that should come naturally and if you are not feeling subby to do something particular, it is more so because you can't achieve sub space mentally and you can't force yourself to achieve that. What I would suggest observing that you always like new projects (like matchmaking, competitions etc) that you take submission as a project now, make a few short term goals that you want to achieve with asslvr as your Dom, document it.. basically start afresh with him!
Thank you!Posted 12-08-2017 at 09:26 AM by Butterfly
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This is something that I have struggled with in the past, but a lot less so lately. I am a lot more comfortable with my body and comfortable knowing that Asslvr loves me for me. I did mention to him that I think playing at a play party would be difficult for this very reason. I don't think I would be able to relax enough to enjoy things while worrying about other people watching me.Quote:Originally Posted by Red
A lot of my issues of being comfortable around my SO and fully getting into it stem from me being uncomfortable with myself and being too worried about what he'll think of me or me being too worried about making a fool of myself. It's not that I don't want to do those things, it's just a mental block because I don't always love myself the same way he loves me.
Posted 12-08-2017 at 09:28 AM by Butterfly
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Yes, for me this is the most important always. I am really good at relaying my feelings,Quote:Originally Posted by kurious kat
I definitely struggle sometimes! I am 99.5% sub - pretty much as submissive as I can be and still function as a human being - but I still don't feel submissive all the time. I get anxious, pouty, and react to both real and imaginary issues that definitely get in the way of hitting a subby stride.
Exactly! I consider myself submissive and not a switch because my natural resting state is submissive. I am naturally submissive in my daily life, but I don't feel subby all the time, and getting in to that frame of mind lately is what I am struggling with.
The things that help for me are:
1) Safe space
I have the benefit that my dominant doesn't live in my home, which makes it much easier to say, "This time together is not for groceries, or worrying about work, or planning out when I can fit in a trip to the laundromat," but I know couples who plan that kind of time into their schedule too. "At 7pm, we are starting this movie, you're sitting on the floor at my feet, and you're going to be mine for the next 3 hours. Anything that didn't get done by then will be ok to leave until tomorrow." Of course, you have to support each other in this. Honor the plans you make together. Help each other be ok with setting aside time to nurture your relationship this way. When someone is freaked out about not getting milk, offer them an alternative ("We can drink water/Open that wine bottle at brunch/I'll remind you in the morning/I'll grab it tomorrow for you, ok?/Maybe tonight I can finally take you to the grocery in a rope harness!") so you build confidence that life will be ok even when you take the night to let go with each other.
It is much harder when living with your partner, but I think you make a valid point. I feel guilty a lot of the time if I put off doing housework or errands in order to have play time.
It is like we can only have fun once all the work is done, but the reality is, all the work is never done.
2) Physical cues
Some couples switch into their D/s space by putting on cuffs or collars (I knew of one pair who would set out a collar on the table when one of them wanted to play. If their partner picked it up and put it on, they would move into play space; if not, after an hour it would be quietly put away with nothing else needing to be said.) When I'm really anxious and wound up, I've been known to settle when touched with a certain grip that draws my attention to the squeezing of that hand. In general, it can help to do something that makes you feel subby. Maybe put something in your mouth so you drool instead of make witty comments (not to shut you up, but to help shift your brain's focus away from the need to comment). Maybe do something that physically pushes your limits just a little, so you have to focus to make it work. Maybe just sit on the floor, and focus on how that rule makes you feel smaller or more subby. Any cue that works for you should help quiet the over-active part of your brain, and condition you over time to be more present in the moment when you feel the cue happen.
I can't wear a collar because I am clausterphobic but I was just talking to Asslvr about maybe having a physical sign of my submission: wearing a bracelet or necklace, or something to symbolize it when we play might help. I also really like the idea of having a sign that I want to play, like leaving the collar on the table. We might need to try this, even for Asslvr's subby side, or my little side.
3) Try new things
(Or at least do something specific that you can't skip ahead on)
I think maleforyou is onto something when he says that stepping into the slightly uncomfortable unknown helps subbiness happen! You could also try to combine things in different ways. Do a counting exercise (spankings, seconds with your vibe, whatever) and let your partner decide how to switch up what happens at the end of the count (repeat the action, change to a harder position, use a scarier implement, etc.) The novelty - or adherence to instruction when you don't know what will come next - helps keep your brain from trying to skip ahead to the next task. Taking on a whole scene might feel like too much for an overactive brain, but you might be able to trust fully for "just the next count of ten (or thirty)", which can be repeated as desired to help make subby moments more habitual.
This does make sense too. I think we have kind of got into a routine and I know what to expect a lot of the time. I also find myself asking questions like "what toy is that" or "what are you going to do next" or "are we going to try x"
a lot. I think I need to try and stop thinking and start just feeling. I think this is a good place for the gag suggestion. Having something in my mouth to help remind me not to talk and instead just wait and build up the anticipation.
4) Communicate
After it's all done - whether it's just 5 minutes of obedience while trying not to be overly sassy, or a whole complicated session - take some time afterwards or the next day to compliment your partner on something you loved about it. If an aspect of the scene was difficult for you, talk about that too, and do your best to give constructive insight on either why it worked for you, or why you think it didn't. It's best to use "I statements" (not "You didn't hit me very hard, and I got scared you didn't want to," but "I loved when you spanked me over the big pink pillow, and was almost-sad when you stopped; next time do you think we could go a little further as long as I don't safeword?"). Agree that when stuff happens you'll talk about it after you've both cleared your heads from the scene; trusting a strong framework for discussion builds trust in-scene as you find ways to correct course, and healthy course corrections make it simpler over time to trust yourself to let go safely in the moment.
usually the next day (I need time to collect my thoughts and feelings before talking about them). We usually do get time to share our thoughts and feelings and learn what is working and what can be improved.
Thank you for all your suggestions! You are wonderful.Posted 12-08-2017 at 11:25 AM by Butterfly
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I wonder how much a habitual element comes into this. I know that only using your bed for sleeping can help you sleep better so maybe its possible to use an object or task (e.g. kneeling in a certain way) to reinforce the submissive mindset if you always start with that.Posted 12-08-2017 at 08:38 PM by Ly Ph
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Since you ask for a dom perspective.....
Here you go.
My personally perspective...
For me,... it’s basically all about emotion.
The “what” is way less important then the emotion. I always start designing a session by thinking “what is the emotion I want to achieve”.
And keep in mind,.. for those not knowing me so long. Although we know each other already for 1.5yrs, we still play by text only. Live chat. But no visual. It’s quite remarkable, but a deep submissive state can be achieved even with no visual.
So,... from doms perspective it starts with the genuine intend to get the sub there. It’s not needed to comment on all limits you have. If a dom is already with his sub for a long time, he will know the limits very precisely and he will be able to avoid them easily. More important, the sub will know that, and will be able to fully trust the dom that he will not cross a line.
Having that trust is important. To get in the deep submissive mode one needs to “let go” a lot. Such is not possible without trust.
Then... what to do as a dom....
Make it horrible...
Search for the boundaries.
Do a gentle pushing.
Be in very close mental connection.
If the sub is still not in the mood some more pushing may be needed.
Very important,.. be confusing!
If you are very straightforward then the sub may focus on “withstanding” the session in stead of letting go. Be confusing! Change things. Suddenly come with an unexpected move. The sub should stop trying to guess what’s next.
Every sub is different. But if you know your sub you easily know the envelope of her capabilities.
Let her ride the envelope. Bring her from the one sensation to the other.
As said,.. I never focus on the “thing” I always focus in the emotion, the sensation.Posted 12-10-2017 at 12:53 AM by sir sam
