A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
I am selfish ....
Over the past two weeks, I have been called selfish on two separate occasions. This is something that really strikes a chord with me.
I grew up being told I was selfish. It was just one of the millions of insults my dad would bark at me on a daily basis. I was selfish because I didn't want to give up my childhood to raise my brother when I was 10. I was selfish because I wanted to study rather than do housework every night in high school. I was selfish because I worked and didn't offer to pay rent when I was 15.
Even as an adult, I have been called selfish. Just last year the word was selfish was used because I had moved away from my family and friends to be with the love of my life.
Because of being called selfish so often, I have made it a priority to be as unselfish as I can be. This has actually become a problem at times. I have a tendency to put others before myself at all times. This means that I get run down or I get taken advantage of or I go without a lot of the time. It is something I actively need to work on.
Moving was the first thing that I did for myself. But it does not make me selfish.
The definition of Selfish is:
Yes, I moved for myself. For my happiness. For my mental health. But I was not only concerned with my well being. I thought long and hard about how it would effect each and every person before I moved, and how I could make things easier on each person. I spent 3 months running myself ragged to do everything I could to make it as smooth as possible.
So when I get messages telling me that things that I am doing here on getDare make me selfish, it hurts. I also get defensive and angry!
Scenario 1
The first occasion was from somebody we will call MissBitch. I had sent a message to MissBitch letting her know that I saw her ad seeking a sub and that I had created a matchmaking service. I explained that I had more males than females, and that makes it an advantage to join the service as a female. I also explained that I knew the struggle of being a female posting an ad and receiving a ton of responses to weed through.
Miss Bitch was NOT happy with my message. She told me that I was ignorant and selfish for messaging her as she was seeking a female as well. She told me that I should have expected the results I got and that I should not be using her to "balance numbers".
She then suggested that I tell my Master so that he could punish me to correct my selfish behavior.
First of all, I am not gaining anything, except a full inbox, from the matchmaking service. It is a lot of work, and I have been overwhelmed with responses. I have actually been thinking I may have bit off more than I can chew because I did not expect this amount of response. But it does make me happy. I want to try and help people find their match like I did mine. I don't see how that can possibly make me selfish.
Scenario 2
As some of you may know, Asslvr and I have our own ad right now looking for co-Dom. As such, I have been keeping an eye on the ads being posted for any from Doms who fit our descriptions. This morning I came across the ad of somebody who we will call Gamemaster. I thought that the ad wasn't horrible and so I sent him a message linking him to our ad. I did admit it was a different dynamic and as such I knew it was not something for everybody, so if he wasn't interested, we understood and I wished him luck in his search .
This is the conversation that followed:
GM - I looked at the ad before and considered it, but I'm not much of a sharer. What we'd have would have to be separate from what you and he would have, and there would be other restrictions I'd need.
Me - Yeah that wouldn't happen. Good luck in your search.
GM - No negotiation at all? Bartering has really gone away in this world. That's a shame too.
Me - We are getting married. What we have is not just an online relationship that means nothing to us. This is very important to both of us and we are taking a huge step and risk by letting somebody into our dynamic. So no, we aren't going to barter on the part where he is involved because that is what he is comfortable with.
Everything else we could discuss before proceeding.
GM - I'm just saying I've learned in doing this for six and half years that finding EXACTLY what I want is either not going to happen, so finding something very close would be nice.
A separate relationship will not work? Fine. What about giving me more say then? Ownership would be more of a 70/30 style. I or he and I will set what we will call hard rules EX: You cannot cum without MY permission. The soft rules would be things that he and I set that either one of us could determine.
The above are examples of what I foresee.
You want a strict dom you have to be willing to accept that he will be strict....
Me - Sorry. I don't think you will be the right fit for us. Good luck in your search.
GM - Care to explain why? Just telling me I'd be the wrong fit does not tell me much.
Me - We are NOT willing to negotiate on the 50/50 involvement. And since it will be something you will need to work together on, Asslvr has decided he doesn't like your attitude and approach and doesn't think you will be easy to work with. Therefore we don't feel like you will be the right fit for us.
GM - Then you should have said that in the first message you replied with. You said he had to be involved so, I reincorporated him into the relationship.
I'm sorry if my realist attitude is too much for you, but I see the world for what it is, and thinking you'll get exactly what you want is naive. You did say you wanted a strict dom.
I was just trying to put forward a plan that got him back in and didn't irritate me too much.
My belief is that I actually came back with a suitable solution for what you told me. Perhaps next time you should be specific when you tell someone what is non-negotiable.
Me - The way you are each involved is negotiable. But the 50/50 was not. If anything he would be 51/49.
I have the upper hand being a female sub on a forum with predominantly males. That doesn't mean I won't negotiate but it means that I will hold out and wait for things to be a lot closer to what I want and need.
I would rather not do this at all, then compromise our needs and wants which may then affect our relationship.
GM - A strict dom wont stand for him over riding their orders so not worth my time.
He is also a dom, so there would need to be mutual respect rather than a holier than thou attitude.
Oh honey. If you think that is holier than thou, you have another thing coming...
You are the one who is busy, but wants to find a dom that she can fit into her life with her other dom and her sub... I think that's a bit self fish to be honest.
If you have problems getting out of domme mode, why don't you stop involving a sub of your own? Would not that solve the problem?
Why do all Getdare staffers have a stick up their butts.
But this is of course my opinion.
Me - How do I have a stick up my butt? I am the sweetest, most down to earth person you will ever meet, if you don't piss me off.
It is not selfish. I would not take on more than I have time for. People have different wants and needs. Just because I don't want somebody to take over my life 24/7, does not mean I don't have the time for a dom.
I also didn't say that I don't have the time for my current dom. I have more than enough time to devote to him, however D/s has not been a priority for us and that is why we are seeking somebody who might be able to help us prioritize that. Just because this is not what you want or need, does not make it wrong.
And no, I don't want to give up being a Domme because it is a part of who I am. It is good for me. It has made me a much more confident person. But I am also a sub, and I miss that aspect of my life and I would like somebody who can help me balance that, not get rid of that part of me. People are not one dimensional. I am allowed to have different sides of my personality.
This whole conversation has just proven that we are NOT a good fit.
GM - Selfish people generally do not realize they are being selfish...
I know I probably should have just let it go, but he was getting under my skin and I enjoy putting rude people in their place. We knew after the first message that this guy was not going to get an interview from us, but I had this need to message him back.
I don't understand how holding out for what I want is selfish. I don't understand how being a switch is selfish. The fact is, it doesn't! I have every right to look for a dynamic that is outside of the norm. It probably doesn't work for everybody, and I can respect that. It may not even work for us. But this is what we would like right now, and if you are not willing to give that a try, don't try.
I am a very flexible, open and reasonable person. I am open to negotiations, but I am not going to comprise on who I am as a person to fit the image in your head of who you think I should be.
I just won't.
I refuse to let myself be mistreated because I want to help others. I refuse to put everybody ahead of myself, and compromise my mental and physical health.
And if that makes me selfish, then I guess I am selfish.
I grew up being told I was selfish. It was just one of the millions of insults my dad would bark at me on a daily basis. I was selfish because I didn't want to give up my childhood to raise my brother when I was 10. I was selfish because I wanted to study rather than do housework every night in high school. I was selfish because I worked and didn't offer to pay rent when I was 15.
Even as an adult, I have been called selfish. Just last year the word was selfish was used because I had moved away from my family and friends to be with the love of my life.
Because of being called selfish so often, I have made it a priority to be as unselfish as I can be. This has actually become a problem at times. I have a tendency to put others before myself at all times. This means that I get run down or I get taken advantage of or I go without a lot of the time. It is something I actively need to work on.
Moving was the first thing that I did for myself. But it does not make me selfish.
The definition of Selfish is:
Quote:
(of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.
So when I get messages telling me that things that I am doing here on getDare make me selfish, it hurts. I also get defensive and angry!
Scenario 1
The first occasion was from somebody we will call MissBitch. I had sent a message to MissBitch letting her know that I saw her ad seeking a sub and that I had created a matchmaking service. I explained that I had more males than females, and that makes it an advantage to join the service as a female. I also explained that I knew the struggle of being a female posting an ad and receiving a ton of responses to weed through.
Miss Bitch was NOT happy with my message. She told me that I was ignorant and selfish for messaging her as she was seeking a female as well. She told me that I should have expected the results I got and that I should not be using her to "balance numbers".
She then suggested that I tell my Master so that he could punish me to correct my selfish behavior.
First of all, I am not gaining anything, except a full inbox, from the matchmaking service. It is a lot of work, and I have been overwhelmed with responses. I have actually been thinking I may have bit off more than I can chew because I did not expect this amount of response. But it does make me happy. I want to try and help people find their match like I did mine. I don't see how that can possibly make me selfish.
Scenario 2
As some of you may know, Asslvr and I have our own ad right now looking for co-Dom. As such, I have been keeping an eye on the ads being posted for any from Doms who fit our descriptions. This morning I came across the ad of somebody who we will call Gamemaster. I thought that the ad wasn't horrible and so I sent him a message linking him to our ad. I did admit it was a different dynamic and as such I knew it was not something for everybody, so if he wasn't interested, we understood and I wished him luck in his search .
This is the conversation that followed:
GM - I looked at the ad before and considered it, but I'm not much of a sharer. What we'd have would have to be separate from what you and he would have, and there would be other restrictions I'd need.
Me - Yeah that wouldn't happen. Good luck in your search.
GM - No negotiation at all? Bartering has really gone away in this world. That's a shame too.
Me - We are getting married. What we have is not just an online relationship that means nothing to us. This is very important to both of us and we are taking a huge step and risk by letting somebody into our dynamic. So no, we aren't going to barter on the part where he is involved because that is what he is comfortable with.
Everything else we could discuss before proceeding.
GM - I'm just saying I've learned in doing this for six and half years that finding EXACTLY what I want is either not going to happen, so finding something very close would be nice.
A separate relationship will not work? Fine. What about giving me more say then? Ownership would be more of a 70/30 style. I or he and I will set what we will call hard rules EX: You cannot cum without MY permission. The soft rules would be things that he and I set that either one of us could determine.
The above are examples of what I foresee.
You want a strict dom you have to be willing to accept that he will be strict....
Me - Sorry. I don't think you will be the right fit for us. Good luck in your search.
GM - Care to explain why? Just telling me I'd be the wrong fit does not tell me much.
Me - We are NOT willing to negotiate on the 50/50 involvement. And since it will be something you will need to work together on, Asslvr has decided he doesn't like your attitude and approach and doesn't think you will be easy to work with. Therefore we don't feel like you will be the right fit for us.
GM - Then you should have said that in the first message you replied with. You said he had to be involved so, I reincorporated him into the relationship.
I'm sorry if my realist attitude is too much for you, but I see the world for what it is, and thinking you'll get exactly what you want is naive. You did say you wanted a strict dom.
I was just trying to put forward a plan that got him back in and didn't irritate me too much.
My belief is that I actually came back with a suitable solution for what you told me. Perhaps next time you should be specific when you tell someone what is non-negotiable.
Me - The way you are each involved is negotiable. But the 50/50 was not. If anything he would be 51/49.
I have the upper hand being a female sub on a forum with predominantly males. That doesn't mean I won't negotiate but it means that I will hold out and wait for things to be a lot closer to what I want and need.
I would rather not do this at all, then compromise our needs and wants which may then affect our relationship.
GM - A strict dom wont stand for him over riding their orders so not worth my time.
He is also a dom, so there would need to be mutual respect rather than a holier than thou attitude.
Oh honey. If you think that is holier than thou, you have another thing coming...
You are the one who is busy, but wants to find a dom that she can fit into her life with her other dom and her sub... I think that's a bit self fish to be honest.
If you have problems getting out of domme mode, why don't you stop involving a sub of your own? Would not that solve the problem?
Why do all Getdare staffers have a stick up their butts.
But this is of course my opinion.
Me - How do I have a stick up my butt? I am the sweetest, most down to earth person you will ever meet, if you don't piss me off.
It is not selfish. I would not take on more than I have time for. People have different wants and needs. Just because I don't want somebody to take over my life 24/7, does not mean I don't have the time for a dom.
I also didn't say that I don't have the time for my current dom. I have more than enough time to devote to him, however D/s has not been a priority for us and that is why we are seeking somebody who might be able to help us prioritize that. Just because this is not what you want or need, does not make it wrong.
And no, I don't want to give up being a Domme because it is a part of who I am. It is good for me. It has made me a much more confident person. But I am also a sub, and I miss that aspect of my life and I would like somebody who can help me balance that, not get rid of that part of me. People are not one dimensional. I am allowed to have different sides of my personality.
This whole conversation has just proven that we are NOT a good fit.
GM - Selfish people generally do not realize they are being selfish...
I know I probably should have just let it go, but he was getting under my skin and I enjoy putting rude people in their place. We knew after the first message that this guy was not going to get an interview from us, but I had this need to message him back.
I don't understand how holding out for what I want is selfish. I don't understand how being a switch is selfish. The fact is, it doesn't! I have every right to look for a dynamic that is outside of the norm. It probably doesn't work for everybody, and I can respect that. It may not even work for us. But this is what we would like right now, and if you are not willing to give that a try, don't try.
I am a very flexible, open and reasonable person. I am open to negotiations, but I am not going to comprise on who I am as a person to fit the image in your head of who you think I should be.
I just won't.
I refuse to let myself be mistreated because I want to help others. I refuse to put everybody ahead of myself, and compromise my mental and physical health.
And if that makes me selfish, then I guess I am selfish.
Total Comments 15
Comments
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I believe this to be true, and you shouldnt let people tell you otherwise. You are great, and those two people sound like selfish asses, for mentally burdening someone because they arent getting their way.Quote:How do I have a stick up my butt? I am the sweetest, most down to earth person you will ever meet, if you don't piss me off.Posted 01-23-2017 at 05:31 AM by Unidentified 
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Be selfish. The problem the world has is that they have labelled selfish as a bad word. What they mean byt it is "You are doing something that will make you happy rather than sacrificing that happiness for me."
Well, sorry amigo, that isn't going to happen. Why should it? Unless you are in a very privelidged position, my happiness, that of my family and the people I love will ALWAYS be a priority.
Redefine selfish. Selfish is simply a matter of getting your priorities straight.Posted 01-23-2017 at 06:56 AM by AbusiveMaster
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Ok,.. your selfish by getting all the selfishness of the world.
Thats not fair.
Everybody should have his fair share of selfishness and since your so vigorously grabbing all selfishness of the world there is nothing left for others.
Please stop setting up a matchmaking service that is only there to spread your selfish pride.
Please don't do any butterfly project since you do that only to selfishly expect an overload of help without ever thinking about others.
Also, please get rid of your pet since its clear you only want to dominate him for your own selfish pleasure.
And you better stop commenting on blogs since they never support the OP but are just a selfish rant.
Marriage i guess is only planned to serve your selfish mind. Poor assvlr who is captured by your selfish tentacles.
Even your friendlist i guess is a selfish attempt to showoff.
Oh, and ignore that GM and miss, they are just dorks
Posted 01-23-2017 at 07:33 AM by sir sam
Updated 01-23-2017 at 08:07 AM by sir sam -
Be selfish and ignore them. !! Everyone is selfish sometimes, otherwise we would lose ourselves. Your second correspondent was quite selfish, reminds me of a "dom" I had a brief exchange with last night who just made assumptions and was judgemental and close-minded all in 50-60 words! Be yourself - that's the person we all love around here.Posted 01-23-2017 at 07:55 AM by MarvHarvey
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People that mistake self-care for being selfish are not worth the emotional turmoil that their words cause you.Posted 01-23-2017 at 08:17 AM by little pet
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Miss.
Please.
Please don't let yourself get worked up by these assholes. It says everything about them and nothing about you.
You should be proud of who you are and do what makes you feel good.
Of course you should move to be with the love of your life.
Of course you have to take care of yourself.
It's great to take care of others too. And I know I speak from experience that you do.
But you should never let that get in the way of your own well being.
Yes, ultimately, you should come first.
Some may call that selfish.
I just call it maturity and common sense.
You are a great person Miss. Don't let anybody let you think otherwise. Just shrug and move on. Their loss, not yours.Posted 01-23-2017 at 10:01 AM by Jaro 
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You're not selfish. You can't let others tell you what's best for you they only know themselves not you. Only you know what's best for you. Whether moving away was to get away from something toxic or just to give it a try on your own with your best friend, only You know what's best...Posted 01-23-2017 at 10:42 AM by Dman1212
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I may not know you that well, but from what contact I have had and from reading your posts and blogs, I can't see how anyone could say you are selfish! The people who say it obviously don't have a clue about you.Posted 01-23-2017 at 12:22 PM by Sam~
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Who do I need to kill?
Anyone who thinks you are selfish needs their head examining. I could go on but I don't think my response would be appropiate for the forums. So I'll shorten it to the first one needs a reality check that she can't suggest anything, she isn't in your relationship. And the second one needs to look at their own actions because trying to convince you to change what you want/need to fit what THEY want is selfish. ON THEIR PART. Not yours.
Love you.Posted 01-23-2017 at 12:32 PM by IceMaiden
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Idiots. People who call you selfish are ignorant and naive, and missing out on an awesome friend. Meh, their loss, don't let it get to youPosted 01-23-2017 at 04:07 PM by Bluetooth
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That second one sounded so fun. Maybe you could give him to me and I would chew on him stomp his teeny brain and show him how selfish I can be when I want to toy with somebody? Just a little bit. I wouldn't even break him. *sigh*Posted 01-23-2017 at 06:41 PM by kittenlyss
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Well, they both kinda suck. You were not selfish in either case. In the first you were offering help (no clue how her twisted logic worked) and in the second, prioritising yourself is not being selfish. Demanding another change what they want and need to suit you, that's selfish. Making it personal rather than responding maturely when it's clear you aren't a good fit, that's selfish. You deserve much better. Like someone who uses words correctly.Posted 01-23-2017 at 07:41 PM by naughtylittlegirl
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It really sucks that some people are treating you that way. I really appreciate the help you offered me when I first joined. Your second scenario was especially painful to read because not only was he falsely accusing you of being selfish, but he was also a huge hypocrite. To try and guilt-trip you for his personal gains, then to have the audacity to say you are selfish. Although, his last comment is right... He has yet to realize what a selfish pos he is.Posted 01-24-2017 at 07:11 PM by Danii9207
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I have read through these comments probably about 10 times over the past few weeks. They really help and I am very lucky to have all of you to jump in and make me feel better. I still struggle with feelings of being selfish at times, but reading each of your comments and knowing that you genuinely mean them really does help. So thank you!Posted 02-07-2017 at 11:18 AM by Butterfly
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You have given too much time to those clowns who prompted the initial post. They are not worth more.
I am sure we are all glad that the clarity and strength of our support has helped, that's what friends do. Now get working on the wedding!Posted 02-07-2017 at 12:16 PM by MarvHarvey
