Re: Who Is In Control!

Posted 04-01-2015 at 04:05 AM by MasterDaddy02

That is a very good question, some what! My thoughts are that both sides are in control to a point. Because, when you look at it one way, the submissive sub/slave holds an equal share. From searching for that type of control, in which suites her or his needs. The reason I say that, is from how they know what they are looking for. If you stop and think about it, there likes are what express they are into. Now, you do have different degrees to which follow them next.

Serious Level Type: Who believes strongly in sharing that control of themselves, to help them in there daily life. As they choose to the degree of turning over themselves. But, they still have that right to question any part of actions used against them. Will they question it? Of course they will, from there right to do so. As such, will a master - mistress, of heavy believed in full power want such a sub/slave? That truly depends on if they are going to respect, what was shared upfront. Because, some feel they can break that sub/slave down and form them there way. So, with thoughts like that, you are not going to listen. Then, you will hit heads with no middle ground and someone will lose. More then likely, it will be the Dom, who will not win.

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I have to disagree.
Sure this is true in some cases but not all.

Mumbles does not hold the same amount of control that I do.
Sure she has likes and dislikes, but its my likes and dislikes that we play out.
I control her life (food, exercise, money, free time, studying, sex life, and so on). How does she have equal control of those?

I have completely formed Mumbles into who I want and what I want. She has changed a hell of a lot from when I first met her (and also so have I). In our D/s relationship we both believe it has been what is right and what is best for both of us.

Not everyone fits into the cookie cutter and that is okay.

Ps.
There indicates a place. (Opposite of here)
Their is belonging to someone, a possession.
They're is the same as they are.

Posted 04-01-2015 at 04:33 AM by Saddi Saddi is offline

I'm a big advocate on the position that subs hold power in a d/s relationship. I agree with you to an extent. Subs hold a safeword that can stop play if they are in distress. They also have the right to walk away at any time if they are unhappy. These two things are very powerful and give the sub a lot of control. Because ultimately they are in control of their submission. However, in a d/s dynamic, the Dom has to hold more power and control over the sub in order for it to satisfy both the dom and sub. However again, I feel as though the sub is in charge of his/her submission. The dom can demand things and make rules but it is the sub who chooses to follow them.

I also agree with Saddi. This dynamic changes in a M/s relationship. To me (and a lot of people), a slave is very different from a sub. A slave still may have their own limits and likes, but their Master or Mistress makes more decision based on what will please them, and the slave will do it.

Some people use the word sub and slave interchangeably but they are very different.

I still believe that even slaves hold a great power, and that is the ability to walk away and end the relationship.

Posted 04-01-2015 at 06:26 AM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline

	Quote: Originally Posted by asslvr's.butterfly Some people use the word sub and slave interchangeably but they are very different. This. Exactly this. If this blog had simply referenced subs I would have agreed more but this is not true of a slave. Well said you lovely girl.
	Posted 04-01-2015 at 06:51 AM by Saddi

People confuse "in control" and power to often. Being in control or dominant is something that most people can do easily. To take over a conversation, to decided what the family has for dinner etc. That is not power. The true power is to allow yourself to be open and free with someone.

Being in a dominant role in a relationship give me the opportunity to control the setting, activities or whatever, but the submissive is in control on whether they choose to do it. These are choices and roles and not power.

The true power is the relationship. The openness, the vulnerability, the trust, the intimacy and the love. That is the true power.

Just my opinion.

Posted 04-01-2015 at 10:58 AM by sonicboom1979 sonicboom1979 is offline

Quote:

Originally Posted by asslvr's.butterfly

I still believe that even slaves hold a great power, and that is the ability to walk away and end the relationship.

Doms have the power to do this too. They can also call out a safeword (I haven't done this specifically, but I've had to stop proceedings before due to being uncomfortable with the level asked of me), and, ultimately, decide what it is they do. I think you're mixing up 'power' with 'being in a relationship based upon mutual respect'.

In my eyes, the whole point of the D/S dynamic is that a power exchange happens. In this case the sub willingly gives up control/power in the act. That's not to say that they have the ultimate power over what's happening - there needs to be someone willing to submit and someone willing to dominate for the exchange to happen. Neither is 'easy' - it comes down to where your preference/nature lies.

So yes, the sub holds 'power'/'control'/'respect' (whatever term you want to give it) in the relationship. This is how normal, functioning relationships work. However, in the act of BDSM, the sub holds little - no power. I concede that safewords are a thing that give power over stopping an act, but likewise a dom won't do what they're not comfortable with. Ideally, likes/loves and limits/hates should have already been discussed, and with time you'll come to have a deep understanding of them, meaning that a safeword isn't necessary.

Sorry if this got preachy. I appreciate everyone has an opinion. I thought I'd just give mine in a little depth this time.

Posted 04-01-2015 at 12:05 PM by An_Jon An_Jon is offline

	Views are those, in which are to express what you feel. As such, the same goes here too. Each has that thought in which fits them, so nothing wrong with it. There are hard type masters - mistresses. But that is there right. Then different are all the other levels too. "Bottom line is what is that sub or slave looking for to please them only."
	Posted 04-01-2015 at 02:38 PM by MasterDaddy02

	Bottom line to a slave is not what pleases them, even to a lot of subs it's not about what pleases them. It's about the Dominant being pleased. You seriously need to learn the difference between submissive and slave, even just recognise there is a difference. Not doing so leads to very misinformed and incorrect posts that, god forbid, someone might listen to.
	Posted 04-01-2015 at 03:14 PM by Saddi

	There's definitely a different between D/s and M/s. Especially M/s that incorporate total power exchange. As for my personal D/s, I will refer you to this. Basically, I hold most of the power and control. It started out more equally... but my dom (and boyfriend, coincidentally) is wrapped around my little finger.
	Posted 04-01-2015 at 03:59 PM by eivins

Quote:

Originally Posted by An_Jon

However, in the act of BDSM, the sub holds little - no power. I concede that safewords are a thing that give power over stopping an act, but likewise a dom won't do what they're not comfortable with. Ideally, likes/loves and limits/hates should have already been discussed, and with time you'll come to have a deep understanding of them, meaning that a safeword isn't necessary.

To me, it sounds like you are describing more of an M/s relationship. In D/s, subs do hold some of the power. Notice I said SOME and not ALL. The only way a D/s relationship can occur is if one party is willing to be dominant and one is willing to be submissive. So yes, Doms need to take control of the submissive, to the extent that the submissive allows them to. Either party can end the relationship at anytime, either party can share their thoughts and feelings.

Furthermore, in my view (again stressing that this is my opinion only), safewords are always always always needed. No matter how well you know each other. Safewords are important when you are pushing limits, even if you think you are never going to use it. Also thinks like likes/limits/dislikes can change anytime, so this is an ongoing discussion that needs to happen.

Quote:

Originally Posted by eivins

Basically, I hold most of the power and control.

It started out more equally... but my dom (and boyfriend, coincidentally) is wrapped around my little finger.

That is absolutely the perfect way for D/s to work for me (not saying this is right for everybody, or ANYBODY other than me).

Posted 04-01-2015 at 04:06 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline

Updated 04-01-2015 at 04:14 PM by Butterfly

I personally think of M/s as very different from D/s. There's a reason I don't identify as a slave. But I would like to point out that the line is not as clearly defined as we sometimes think. There are slaves with more freedoms than some submissives and some sub's with stricter rules than most slaves. While the terms are not interchangeable, they also mean different things to different people.

I don't really think about my D/s in terms of who is actually in control, or even who has the majority of it. I guess he technically has the most since he has veto and approval power. Whereas I only have veto power. But without me there to submit to him, he wouldn't be dominating anyone. And without him to dominate me, I wouldn't be submitting. So I see it as a cozy symbiotic arrangement. I don't think either one of us is ultimately controlling the other because we both need each other to fulfill our own desires. But, hey, I'm aware I'm usually a bit different. So your relationship is likely arranged otherwise.

Posted 04-01-2015 at 07:44 PM by kittenlyss kittenlyss is offline

Thankyou, from a very good point view on the subject matter. You hit the key words!

Posted 04-01-2015 at 08:20 PM by MasterDaddy02

I think ultimately this about consent.

I don't see how any dominant, whether in M/s or D/s, can have any measure of control or genuine power in the submissive or slave's life unless the submissive or slave consents to it. If at any time the control is taken and not given, if the dominant in whatever dynamic is running roughshod over the submissive's will where they have not been given that right (and vice versa - submissives can impose things on or subject their dominants to things they didn't agree to either) then I would argue it isn't M/s or D/s, it's at best abuse and at worst rape.

I give my submission, my obedience, to Wardell, and as such he is my Dom and has control over me, and I am his sub and I obey him. I can always choose not to; I always have the ability, the power (although I'm not entirely sure about the appropriateness of that word), to say no, to go my own way, to withdraw my submission, and remove myself from being under his dominance. Similarly, Wardell can always choose to withdraw his dominance from my life. Our relationship continues because we both continually choose one another. But my being Wardell's submissive comes from me relinquishing/giving my submission to him and him exercising his dominance over me - it's both/and, not a "which comes first, the chicken or the egg?" kind of situation. So in a sense, yeah, I do have power, I do have control, and I always retain a bit of it because I have free will like everybody else. And to be really blunt, if at any point our relationship became something I quite clearly did not want, then I would walk away, and I know Wardell would too (and that's an unhappy thought, so let's move on).

For me, being a submissive is not so much about retaining control as giving it up - and understand that there are limits to how much control I am willing to give up even with Wardell. There are certain areas of my life that are exempt from his domination because it isn't what suits us; however, there are areas, our sessions, my training, etc., which are definitively under Wardell's control. I like what kittenlyss said about the lines being somewhat fuzzy; they depend on the relationship, and there's a massive spectrum with any number of nuances in areas apart from just control in both D/s and M/s that differentiate the two dynamics (and then there are other dynamics in addition to those, and things get complicated).

I agree with Saddi that pleasing the dominant is a huge part of the dynamic, but I think it goes both ways, just not always as overtly. Pleasing Wardell as my Dom is what makes me happy as his sub. If he's pleased, I'm pleased - and Wardell has made it quite clear that it works the other way around too

This too often varies between relationships, and of course if overall either person is not pleased by the relationship (I'm not talking "pleasured," I mean dissatisfied, abused, etc.), then odds are they're going to leave it and look elsewhere for the relationship that's right for them. But, and I know it isn't the same way for everyone (and that's truly brilliant), I am most pleased when I give my Dom the most control over me, when I am most fully and deeply submitted to him, when I am most focused on pleasing him and meeting his needs and desires; and it works incredibly well because then not only am I pleased because he's pleased, but because while I'm focused on him, he is focused on me. That's why "dynamic" is so appropriate for D/s and M/s, because there is such a wonderful give and take that goes beyond just the issue of control. And now I'm rambling...

Posted 04-02-2015 at 12:54 AM by naughtylittlegirl naughtylittlegirl is offline

	Thankyou, from a very good point view on the subject matter. You hit the key words!
	Posted 04-01-2015 at 08:20 PM by MasterDaddy02

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