A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
The Lonely Butterfly
Posted 03-22-2019 at 04:43 PM by Butterfly
I want to preface this blog by stating that I have the most amazing group of play partners (casual and more than casual) and friends that I value so so much. This blog is in now way a jab at any of them and none of them have done anything specifically that has triggered this feeling or the things I will discuss in this blog. You are all phenomenal and I adore you all.
Now ... the point of this blog ...
I am sure you are thinking: "But Butterfly, you are constantly around other people. How can you be lonely?"
It's true. I don't understand this feeling and that is I guess the worst part.
I have truly wonderful friends. I know they would do anything for me if I asked. I have the best husband in the world. He makes me feel loved, valued and cherished. He truly treats me like a princess and grants me my every wish. My co-dom is a rockstar. He makes me feel adored and safe. My sub is phenomenal. He lifts me up when I am down and never lets me fail. My workplace is usually fun, and I am constantly around people who respect and support me.
I am a social butterfly! I am constantly surrounded by people. And although there are people in my life who disagree with me, etc. I am typically very well liked.
So why do I have this black hole inside me that sometimes swells up and makes me feel overwhelmed with loneliness.
I can be sitting in a crowded room, or laying in bed 2 feet from Mr. Devious and I just .... I can't even explain it.
For example, My Dom said he was going to bed last night and I just wanted to cry. I wanted him to stay, but knew it was unfair. I had not specific need or reason for him to stay, but I just wanted him to. I felt lonely. How can I miss somebody who I talk to everyday?
Or the other day, Mr. Devious and I were sitting in the same room, and I just wanted to turn around and say "I miss you". But how is that even possible? How can I miss him when he is right there ....
Maybe I need to start spending more quality time with the people I love. Rather than focusing on phones and chores and other distractions, I should be setting aside time to just be with those people.
Instead of having conversations that barely scratch the surface: "How was your day" ... I should start to open up and have deeper more personal connections with the people in my life ...
I just don't know. I am lost. I don't understand this feeling.
Now ... the point of this blog ...
I am feeling lonely
I am sure you are thinking: "But Butterfly, you are constantly around other people. How can you be lonely?"
It's true. I don't understand this feeling and that is I guess the worst part.
I have truly wonderful friends. I know they would do anything for me if I asked. I have the best husband in the world. He makes me feel loved, valued and cherished. He truly treats me like a princess and grants me my every wish. My co-dom is a rockstar. He makes me feel adored and safe. My sub is phenomenal. He lifts me up when I am down and never lets me fail. My workplace is usually fun, and I am constantly around people who respect and support me.
I am a social butterfly! I am constantly surrounded by people. And although there are people in my life who disagree with me, etc. I am typically very well liked.
So why do I have this black hole inside me that sometimes swells up and makes me feel overwhelmed with loneliness.
I can be sitting in a crowded room, or laying in bed 2 feet from Mr. Devious and I just .... I can't even explain it.
For example, My Dom said he was going to bed last night and I just wanted to cry. I wanted him to stay, but knew it was unfair. I had not specific need or reason for him to stay, but I just wanted him to. I felt lonely. How can I miss somebody who I talk to everyday?
Or the other day, Mr. Devious and I were sitting in the same room, and I just wanted to turn around and say "I miss you". But how is that even possible? How can I miss him when he is right there ....
Maybe I need to start spending more quality time with the people I love. Rather than focusing on phones and chores and other distractions, I should be setting aside time to just be with those people.
Instead of having conversations that barely scratch the surface: "How was your day" ... I should start to open up and have deeper more personal connections with the people in my life ...
I just don't know. I am lost. I don't understand this feeling.
Do others feel this way? or am I alone in feeling alone?
Total Comments 5
Comments
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Posted 03-22-2019 at 05:13 PM by CagedHiruzen -
Aww man that sucks I'm really sorry. I hear people talk about this often. I think you may be right with the phone thing. There's been studies done about social media and non-face to face interaction that does something to your brain overtime. I dunno, I'm not a psychologist, but yeah it's a thing and you're not alone in feeling it. *big hugs*
Posted 03-22-2019 at 05:25 PM by MastersVoice -
Being in a room with someone can be one of the toughest kinds of loneliness. I hate when I can see someone I care about, but don't feel the kind of connection I want.
Sometimes it's a passing thing, in which case I usually try to redirect my focus to something I can do for myself (to avoid pulling their focus away from things I know they want/need to do in that moment).
If it repeats often, though, I think about what I really hope for, and if I trust the person enough, may start a conversation with them about it. Sometimes I just need an extra hug; sometimes I need them to make (and keep) a plan with me for later. Whatever lack I'm feeling, if I can identify what "more connected" would look like in that moment, it's easier to ask for.
I hope the warmth of all of us who care about you brings back your sunshine soon!Posted 03-22-2019 at 10:16 PM by kurious kat -
You're not alone in this Butterfly, I often feel alone, even when with friends sometimes. Some weeks I see friends on a Wednesday (climbing) & Friday (badminton), the rest of my week is just work and on my own at home. LastSaturday the badminton group went out for a meal together, and I really felt on my own in a group of a dozen people there. It was hard to make conversation when I felt that way too.
Sometimes it lasts a while, sometimes it's just a brief thing, but ot always seems to come backPosted 03-23-2019 at 01:27 AM by owlart -
Posted 03-24-2019 at 07:59 AM by IceMaiden
Updated 03-24-2019 at 09:10 AM by Butterfly