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A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
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6 Years: Then and Now

Posted 03-10-2019 at 08:18 AM by Butterfly

March 15 marks 6 years of me being on getDare (I had a previous account before this one). So much has changed in 6 years. This site has really changed my life.

Also, this is my 400th blog post. 400!!! I honestly can't believe it.

So I decided to use this post to compare then versus now.

THEN
When I first joined getDare, I was shy, blushy and inexperienced. I couldn't say words like butt plug or enema out loud, never mind cock! I had never watched porn.

I was just getting out of a very controlling (non consentual) relationship that had damaged my self esteem and left me feeling weak, broken and unhappy. I didn't feel like I was worth loving.

I had such bad self esteem that I was scared to show even a vanilla photo of me to somebody. I was scared of being rejected and called names. Even posting a blog would take an immense amount of courage.

Although I had learned that I craved D/s, and wanted kink in my life, I didn't have a chance to explore the things that I was interested in. I had a very short list of what my likes and loves were and a very large list of fantasies and kinks I wanted to explore. However, I had a hard time talking about those things. I was ashamed of my desires, and got embarrassed very easily. I struggled to talk about them through writing, never mind out loud.

I was very good at internalizing my thoughts and feelings. I didn't share things with almost anybody. My best friends, and family had no idea how I was feeling or the pain that I was going through in my vanilla life. I never would have considered talking to anybody about my kinky side.

I had a large list of limits and triggers. Things that would cause me to spiral out of control and have panic attacks, flashbacks and nightmares. Those things included spanking, the "c" word, being called "baby", and even the thought of being punished in any way.

At that time in my life, self harm was my biggest coping mechanism. I would use it to get through the pain and numbness in my life. It was my release. When I wasn't doing it, I was thinking about it. It was a constant struggle not to hurt myself. This was my biggest secret. Nobody knew about this side of me.

Back then, I considered myself 100% submissive. Actually, when I first joined getDare, I considered myself a slave because I didn't know the difference. My views of power exchange came solely from erotica and I didn't realize that subs were allowed to have a personality, or that there was any such thing as brats or littles.

My longest D/s relationship up to that point had lasted a couple months, but most would be lucky to last a week. I got bored of being the "yes sir" robot or I would drown under the demands of the men who called themselves Doms.

Although I answered truth threads, and read blogs, I was terrified to enter chat or message the people who I saw hanging around getDare. I "idolized" some of those members and never thought they would give me a second thought. I mostly kept to myself and didn't really make any friends. I felt like an outsider.


NOW

Fast forward 6 years, and you will see that I am very different Butterfly.

I am a lot more confident, playful, outgoing and I blush a hell of a lot less (although it still happens on occasion). Mr. Devious has helped me to say most kinky words. The only one I have never said out loud or even written is p***y. I love porn!!!

I am in a VERY happy and joyful marriage with my soul mate, Mr. Devious. He has helped me heal. I am no longer broken or damaged. He has mended my heart and my mind. I moved across the country to be with him and have never been happier. I feel so whole, loved and worthy (most of the time).

I still struggle at times to post photos of myself, or to send them to people. However, I have albums full of photos on getDare and have shared hundreds privately. I even met a group of getDare members at a kink con last year and let them see me in lingerie and allowed them all a chance to spank me in person!

I have 400!!! blogs on getDare and thousands of posts. I have even posted some of my own erotic stories. Let's not even mention all the recordings I have shared.

Kink is now a HUGE part of my life. I have a giant list of loves and likes that I have developed through exploring and trying so many new things over the years. My toy collection is massive (although still lots of room to grow). Although I don't have many unfulfilled fantasies, I have a pretty lengthy kinky bucket list that I am working on fulfilling.

I am very open with all things kink, and now consider communication to be one of my biggest skills. People turn to me for advice or help with mediation and communication in their relationships. I have written a handful of my own erotic stories, and dozens of kinky reports. I rarely get blushy when talking about sex or kink (although I still do hide my eyes at sex scenes in movies). My best friends know about my kinky side, including about my sub and co-dom. I have given advice on exploring new kinks such as anal and electricity to both my real life friends, and hundreds of people online. My best friend even came with Mr. Devious and I to a play party at our local dungeon.

My current list of limits are very specific and intentional. Things that used to be limits are now loves (spanking for example). My list of triggers are pretty low. I don't have flashbacks, nightmares or panic attacks very often anymore.

I can happily say that BDSM has become my coping mechanism. When I am feeling stressed or anxious, I can ask one of my Doms to help me use kink and control to stop the urges to self harm. I have also shared these urges with friends, family and my play partners and have a massive support system who cheer me on and believe in me.

I now consider myself a sub, domme, brat and little. Not one label defines me. I have learned about different dynamics and know what I like and want. I have learned how to negotiate and pass on those people who aren't a good fit.

I have been with my sub for 2.5 years.
I have been with Mr. Devious as my Dom for 5 years.
I have multiple casual play partners and a new co-dom.

I live in chat! I talk with everybody, including those who I once idolized. I love to meet new people, and make friends. I am a social butterfly.


HELP ME CELEBRATE

I have created a celebration thread here if you are interested in helping me celebrate.


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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Dr.Dom's Avatar
    Get you! It just shows how far someone can come with support and love. Proud of you
    Posted 03-10-2019 at 08:35 AM by Dr.Dom Dr.Dom is offline
  2. Old Comment
    LitDarkness's Avatar
    I'm so proud of so far you came. (Even if I didn't see it all.) Even from when I saw you first, your progress is evident and I'm positive I don't get to see everything. (And rightfully so.)

    And I am so glad you have someone to help with those urges. And you also have two wonderful Doms. And your wonderful sub.

    Essentially this comment basically says, I am happy for you and proud of you.

    And anyone who says you aren't worth loving is completely wrong, you are worth the world and more.
    Posted 03-10-2019 at 08:40 AM by LitDarkness LitDarkness is offline
  3. Old Comment
    MastersVoice's Avatar
    Haha I see you couldn't resist to write and post this in the end! It's a wonderful post and so powerful to read your journey in the last 6 years, what a change!!! I don't think you could have chosen a more fitting name than Butterfly.

    I'm so happy for you. You've built up an awesome support network and friends who take you for who you are and love you for it.

    Thank you for reaching out to me last month and supporting me with all sorts of things be it technical things on this site or my view on kinks. This story is a real inspiration to anyone who is shy, had had a hard time and a real endorsement of what a fabulous community the kink one is.

    Here's to another wonderful 6 years and more ahead!
    Posted 03-10-2019 at 08:45 AM by MastersVoice MastersVoice is offline
  4. Old Comment
    IHeartFun's Avatar
    I love positive growth!!!
    Posted 03-10-2019 at 09:02 AM by IHeartFun IHeartFun is offline
  5. Old Comment
    Cstelle's Avatar
    I have nothing to say - but I have to say something, if only to get through the frustration of not being able to give you a congratulatory real life hug. So I say this: you are the bestest little butterfly, Butterfly! I raise an imaginary glass in your honour!
    Posted 03-10-2019 at 10:10 AM by Cstelle Cstelle is offline
  6. Old Comment
    Jaro's Avatar
    Look how far you've come! When I think of getDare I think of Butterfly. You really made a huge impact on this site and you've helped so many.
    I am super happy to call you my friend!

    On to the next 6!! Congratulations!!
    Posted 03-10-2019 at 12:12 PM by Jaro Jaro is online now
 

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