A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
The Unknown
Posted 02-13-2019 at 10:34 PM by Butterfly
The unknown is scary.
I have always struggled with the unknown.
Surprises make me antsy. Honestly I am terrified that somebody is going to try and throw me a surprise party one day! If I find out before hand, I am NOT showing up. Being truly surprised is one thing, but the anticipation and lead up to it is the worst.
I am a planner. I want to know. I want to prepare myself. But if I don't know then I can't prepare. I can't plan. I can't .... function!
I really have tried to work on being less scared about the unknown. To try and worry less about the things that I cannot control. To try and go with the flow instead of planning every step. But I still struggle.
My anxiety has been higher over the last few months due to some personal traumas that I am facing. Although I have been doing a lot better more recently.
However, there are a few things tonight that I am angsting over.
The first is rather silly, but something that is really tying my tummy up in knots. Tomorrow I am going to a Valentines Day tea at an elementary school. It is super sweet: my best friends little boy invited me as his date. I am very excited to go and I am flattered that he chose me out of all the adults he could have asked. But I have never been there before. I am going to be meeting a whole bunch of people I don't know. I don't know what to expect. I don't even like tea. It just makes me so anxious to think about.
Secondly, there is a lot of unsurity (I feel like I am making these words up) surrounding my future and the future of my family and friends. I have been working with my counselor to put these things on a separate "shelf" where they will sit until I have the information to deal with them. The fact is, I don't know if I can have a baby, I don't know how things will go if my mom moves here, I don't know if my best friend will be moving away soon .... none of these things are certain, and I have 0 control at this time. That is something that I am struggling to grasp. I hate not being in control.
The third that is causing me some anxiety and nerves is that I am currently chatting with a new dom applicant. This is the first time in a long time that I have felt butterflies talking to a potential partner. We have barely grazed the surface of the topic of kink and sexual things, yet, I find myself drawn to him. Our conversation happens very easily and naturally. We just seem to click so well together. But this scares me. It scares me that I have this feeling inside me when he is sleeping ... I miss him. But that's silly. The truth is, things haven't gone very well in my search for a Dom, and its only been a few days. I feel myself getting attached, and I know that it could all just slip away at any moment, and that scares me.
Anyways ... I am rambling. Am I alone? Does the unknown make you anxious? How do you deal with it? Cause right now I feel like somebody is sitting on my chest and they don't want to move.
I have always struggled with the unknown.
Surprises make me antsy. Honestly I am terrified that somebody is going to try and throw me a surprise party one day! If I find out before hand, I am NOT showing up. Being truly surprised is one thing, but the anticipation and lead up to it is the worst.
I am a planner. I want to know. I want to prepare myself. But if I don't know then I can't prepare. I can't plan. I can't .... function!
I really have tried to work on being less scared about the unknown. To try and worry less about the things that I cannot control. To try and go with the flow instead of planning every step. But I still struggle.
My anxiety has been higher over the last few months due to some personal traumas that I am facing. Although I have been doing a lot better more recently.
However, there are a few things tonight that I am angsting over.
The first is rather silly, but something that is really tying my tummy up in knots. Tomorrow I am going to a Valentines Day tea at an elementary school. It is super sweet: my best friends little boy invited me as his date. I am very excited to go and I am flattered that he chose me out of all the adults he could have asked. But I have never been there before. I am going to be meeting a whole bunch of people I don't know. I don't know what to expect. I don't even like tea. It just makes me so anxious to think about.
Secondly, there is a lot of unsurity (I feel like I am making these words up) surrounding my future and the future of my family and friends. I have been working with my counselor to put these things on a separate "shelf" where they will sit until I have the information to deal with them. The fact is, I don't know if I can have a baby, I don't know how things will go if my mom moves here, I don't know if my best friend will be moving away soon .... none of these things are certain, and I have 0 control at this time. That is something that I am struggling to grasp. I hate not being in control.
The third that is causing me some anxiety and nerves is that I am currently chatting with a new dom applicant. This is the first time in a long time that I have felt butterflies talking to a potential partner. We have barely grazed the surface of the topic of kink and sexual things, yet, I find myself drawn to him. Our conversation happens very easily and naturally. We just seem to click so well together. But this scares me. It scares me that I have this feeling inside me when he is sleeping ... I miss him. But that's silly. The truth is, things haven't gone very well in my search for a Dom, and its only been a few days. I feel myself getting attached, and I know that it could all just slip away at any moment, and that scares me.
Anyways ... I am rambling. Am I alone? Does the unknown make you anxious? How do you deal with it? Cause right now I feel like somebody is sitting on my chest and they don't want to move.
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Comments
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And tit for tat. Which can be insightful.
Posted 02-15-2019 at 03:41 PM by Blue Fox