A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
Hear me ROAR
Posted 12-13-2018 at 02:26 PM by Butterfly
For a lot of my life I have been belittled. I have been told I am not good enough: I am ugly, fat, selfish, a bitch, a whore, a cunt. It started with my dad when I was about 9 or 10 and continued until I moved out of his house at the age of 16.
It is no wonder that I had bad self esteem and low self worth. Which played really well when I got into a 6 year relationship with a man who was over controlling and who figured out really quickly that I would do anything for a bit of assurance and affection. However, that came few and far between, and the longer we were together, the harder it was to get those things.
I have always been a people pleaser. I have lived to make people like me, want me, love me. And when they didn’t, it would tear me down. My self worth has been directly linked to other people.
By the time I was ready to leave that relationship, I was broken beyond broken. I was at my lowest point. I felt like garbage, worse than garbage. The only reason I had stayed so long was because I didn’t think anybody else could possibly love me, want me, need me.
It took everything I had to leave that relationship. Leaving that relationship was in the top 5 hardest things I have ever done, but it was also in my top 5 best decisions. And even better, leaving that relationship, led me to Mr. Devious.
That was the day I decided I was worth something. That is the day I roared for the first time.
At the time, my “roar” was probably more of a kittens meow. However, I have grown so much as a person since that time. I have made so many decisions for myself. For my own happiness. For my own growth and wellbeing. I have learned that it isn’t selfish to do that. I deserve happiness, and love. I am worth it. I am enough (I even had that tattooed on my chest)
I still have days where I let things bother me. Today is one of those days.
Earlier today, I wrote a blog that came from a very vulnerable place. Yes, I am a pretty open person. I like to talk about my personal struggles, my relationships, my heartaches. I write these things because I sometimes have felt alone and I want others to know that life isn’t perfect, and that they aren’t alone. Too often we see these glorified personas on social media, and I would rather be real and raw with people. So yes, I share things.
It has become easier to share these things over time, but it is still hard. Although I have learned that my self worth is not based on other people’s thoughts, feelings or actions towards me, it still does bother me at times.
So when I write something that comes from that vulnerable place inside me, when I let others see my weaknesses, and let them in, it hurts when they vote down my blog. It is hard not to let it bother me. Some people may say that me admitting this is giving them power and letting them “win”. But you know what? They won’t win.
Maybe the old me would have been dettered and bothered by it. Maybe it would have scared me into not posting anymore or I would have altered the things I wrote about or the way I presented myself. But I am not going to hide or run away. I am not going to change who I am. I am going to continue to post. I am going to continue to share. I am going to continue to let people in.
I am going to roar.
It is no wonder that I had bad self esteem and low self worth. Which played really well when I got into a 6 year relationship with a man who was over controlling and who figured out really quickly that I would do anything for a bit of assurance and affection. However, that came few and far between, and the longer we were together, the harder it was to get those things.
I have always been a people pleaser. I have lived to make people like me, want me, love me. And when they didn’t, it would tear me down. My self worth has been directly linked to other people.
By the time I was ready to leave that relationship, I was broken beyond broken. I was at my lowest point. I felt like garbage, worse than garbage. The only reason I had stayed so long was because I didn’t think anybody else could possibly love me, want me, need me.
It took everything I had to leave that relationship. Leaving that relationship was in the top 5 hardest things I have ever done, but it was also in my top 5 best decisions. And even better, leaving that relationship, led me to Mr. Devious.
That was the day I decided I was worth something. That is the day I roared for the first time.
At the time, my “roar” was probably more of a kittens meow. However, I have grown so much as a person since that time. I have made so many decisions for myself. For my own happiness. For my own growth and wellbeing. I have learned that it isn’t selfish to do that. I deserve happiness, and love. I am worth it. I am enough (I even had that tattooed on my chest)
I still have days where I let things bother me. Today is one of those days.
Earlier today, I wrote a blog that came from a very vulnerable place. Yes, I am a pretty open person. I like to talk about my personal struggles, my relationships, my heartaches. I write these things because I sometimes have felt alone and I want others to know that life isn’t perfect, and that they aren’t alone. Too often we see these glorified personas on social media, and I would rather be real and raw with people. So yes, I share things.
It has become easier to share these things over time, but it is still hard. Although I have learned that my self worth is not based on other people’s thoughts, feelings or actions towards me, it still does bother me at times.
So when I write something that comes from that vulnerable place inside me, when I let others see my weaknesses, and let them in, it hurts when they vote down my blog. It is hard not to let it bother me. Some people may say that me admitting this is giving them power and letting them “win”. But you know what? They won’t win.
Maybe the old me would have been dettered and bothered by it. Maybe it would have scared me into not posting anymore or I would have altered the things I wrote about or the way I presented myself. But I am not going to hide or run away. I am not going to change who I am. I am going to continue to post. I am going to continue to share. I am going to continue to let people in.
I am going to roar.
Total Comments 8
Comments
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Posted 12-13-2018 at 03:25 PM by MarvHarvey -
Posted 12-13-2018 at 03:26 PM by Blue Fox -
VOTES (as of writing): 7 for 4.86. So I checked and its 6 votes of 5, 1 of 4. That's not exactly 'downvoting' this post.
Previous post 12 for 4.67. So 8 x 5 stars and 4 x 4 stars?
Or 11 x 5 stars 1 x 1 star. So either all high (4,5) ratings or if it is the 2nd then one person disagrees - big deal.
Butterfly you are way above being concerned about this.Posted 12-13-2018 at 05:31 PM by MarvHarvey
Updated 12-13-2018 at 10:18 PM by MarvHarvey -
Quote:VOTES (as of writing): 7 for 4.86. So I checked and its 6 votes of 5, 1 of 4. That's not exactly 'downvoting' this post.
Previous post 12 for 4.67. So 8 x 5 stars and 4 x 4 stars?
Or 11 x 5 stars 1 x 1 star. So either all high (4,5) ratings or if it is the 2nd then one person disagrees - big deal.
Butterfly you are way above being concerned about this.
I agree that i shouldnt be concerned and like i said, I am working hard to overcome it but it does sometimes bother me. The voting ultimately doesnt mean anything so it shouldnt matter. But I guess it just ends up feeling personal for the very same reasons.
It is hard for somebody to put themselves out there for others to view and to write about personal and vulnerable topics. I have had people suggest that I make my blogs only visible to friends, but I feel like they are valuable to more than just the people I have met. I still hope that one day some random stranger will read a blog and get something good from it. And it is that reason that I keep writing.
But it doesnt make it any easier to put myself out there. And it just sucks that some people use something so silly to try and upset somebody.Posted 12-13-2018 at 08:07 PM by Butterfly -
The less said about gD's silly vote thing, the better. (In the olden days we talked a lot about griefers.) What counts in the world is the roarings of kittens, butterflies, fully-grown tigers with scary fangs, and other real people.
You are good people, Butterfly. You do good. Your blog does good. Your very existence is a Good Thing in the Grand Scheme of this mess we call... well, The Grand Scheme of Things.
(Butterfly (& Her Blog) ***** Five stars, would befriend (& read) again.)Posted 12-13-2018 at 11:21 PM by Cstelle -
Posted 12-14-2018 at 06:51 AM by lilith_ -
I think one of the worst things about social media is that you can put everything you have into a piece of work (be it a blog, video, etc.) often taking hours (just me?) only to have it undermined in an instant by a downvote that takes seconds. Sadly on GetDare you don't even get a big enough mass voting to cancel out the haters.
I do hope you continue to roar and share the most intimate parts of yourself but also hope you don't take too much notice of the occasional hater. No matter how nice you are upsetting/offending someone seems to be the one certainty, and sadly a hell of a lot easier than making meaningful positive connectionsPosted 12-14-2018 at 05:54 PM by PrincessJessica -
I have always loved your blogs and i find myself binge reading on them all the time. The experiences you share- good or bad, they all inspire me. Your writing inspires me and you're so good at it! <3<3
( I didn't even know there was voted on blogs)Posted 12-16-2018 at 02:10 AM by Edgeandenial