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Shame in BDSM

Posted 09-18-2018 at 03:58 AM by lilith_

~ This blog contains TRIGGER WARNINGS so if you don't want to read about intense stuff delete this tab ~

Shame is a feeling that I struggle with a lot. I might be open here about my thoughts and all that but that's because I'm anonymous and it feels good to blog about these things without my real name appearing next to it. In real life things are a little different.

Generally I feel ashamed for a lot of things. I'm ashamed of the fact that I can't sleep with other people because I will keep waking them up every hour, I'm ashamed to admit to people that I take pills and I do whatever I can to hide it, I am VERY ashamed of my mental health and I never ever ever ever let people see that part of me. There are some exceptions of course but right now I can only think of one person who's an exception to that.

Anyways, this blog is more about shame in BDSM. I have talked about this with my partner a lot over the two years that we've known each other and I am aware that what I am about to say is, basically, bullshit. I know I shouldn't feel shame for it and that there is nothing wrong in kink between consensual adults but still, I feel shame and having that feeling invalidated is something I hate. Thankfully he never invalidates my feelings even if he is constantly trying to shove logic right into my stupid brain.


I'm not sure how to say this because only one person in the whole world knows about it. But here we go: in general I really like age gaps and I am attracted to older men, especially in their 40's. I'm still very much attracted to younger men but they still have to be at least 3-4 years older than me, otherwise I just cannot see them sexually or romantically. In the kink world, I might not be exactly into ageplay but I have this need to feel like I am under the protection of someone, to be the naive, young girl who gets corrupted by an older man. Not gonna get into details but the last 3 months I have been having some very disturbing old memories coming to me from my early childhood of a much older man in blue, dirty jeans. Do I like older men because of this...? Here is where all the shame comes from.

Another thing that brings me a lot of shame is the following *TRIGGER WARNING*:

I often find myself fantasizing (in a consensual setting) of the things that happened to me in a non consensual setting. I hate more than anything writing, saying, reading and typing that word but I guess you can guess which one I am referring to (there are two rules for this blog, do NOT say that word if you comment and do not send me any messages that show pity.). I don't really understand how I can be so turned on by these things but I do and they make me hate myself because IT IS SO CONFUSING. I shouldn't like or want this.

Alright, that's the end of the blog, I guess. Not sure how to end it, god this is awkward.
Posted in Random thoughts
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  1. Old Comment
    pranadevil's Avatar
    I hate mental health issues and how they can take something that, for all intents and purposes, is perfectly normal and understanding, and make us believe they are anything but.

    Doesn't matter if it's BDSM related or something else, the fact that you get screwed up by it sucks, and it doesn't matter how much you know, logically, that your brain is tricking and bullshitting you, you are still stuck with it.

    A big thing I have is I cannot make phone calls. At all. I need weeks of preparation simply to call up the electric company. Why? Fuck knows. All I do know is speaking to that random person sends my anxiety into overdrive and I can't make that phone call until the last possible moment. As in, I had to call them and the water company and it literally took me over a month to make that call and I only did them yesterday because the water company was sending me to collections otherwise. After all was dealt with, there was nothing to be worried about, no stress needed, nothing... but next time I'll be the same.

    And I feel like that's a pretty damned solid feel for most mental health stuff, in your case the shame. You shouldn't feel shame for it, you have nothing to feel ashamed about, and logically you know this as stated above. But knowing that fact, and actually mentally dealing with it, are still worlds apart, and many don't get that.

    On the plus side, you understand that which is a big step in the right direction, and from what I've seen you have people surrounding you who support you and will be there for you, which is amazing just having that support no matter what.

    As for you saying you shouldn't like or want it... I understand why you are saying that due to the past issues, but if it turns you on, and you can play within a safe environment, I see nothing wrong with accepting you enjoy those feelings and using them for positive. If you can take the past negative and turn it into a ongoing positive and accept that it can be something which excites you and you can get pleasure from, focus on those positives and try not to worry or focus on the negative connotations. What matters is your happiness, and those around you who care about you, will support you and help you.

    Remember, whatever else happens, and no matter what anyone else ever says or does, you are awesome, and deserve to be happy. Same goes for anyone else reading this. You deserve to be happy and enjoy anything that makes you happy, providing it isn't affecting someone else without their consent.
    Posted 09-18-2018 at 07:34 AM by pranadevil pranadevil is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Joan Sky's Avatar
    Great words prana thank you

    Lilith, you are very brave to admit this and to feel comfortable enough to share it with us. I have experienced something similar like your trigger. Not exactly but similarly and just as wrong. I talked about it some here, but didn't go into the details.

    Age isn't really important to me. The person's heart, spirit, and personality is. Sure everything else has to go together just right and just work, mesh, and have good chemistry and feeling about it, but I've never been as critical as others can be with age or appearance. Looks alone don't do it for me. Getting to know, spending time, etc with a rare, one-of-a-kind, special person I care about deeply and vice versa is.

    Younger people can sometimes have older souls, and older sometimes have that youthful playfulness still.

    Dating older like that isn't a bad thing, it's not like it's way older than that like Anna Nicole. It isn't like that, don't worry.

    So no pity for you. I see before me a stronger woman that's baring her heart in this moment. I am like you in some ways, and also different. Part of what you say I can relate to, the other part ~ while it might not be relative to me, I am still an understanding and caring person. There is not much people can tell me or reveal to me in their nethermost secret caverns that would disturb or shock me. I am the most open-minded person and understanding person I know...

    So if you ever need to talk about anything, you can talk to me. I'll never tell a soul, I am trustworthy and reliable, and even if you have a tantrum or moody moment, I'll get that and still be there when it wears off and you come around friend.

    You don't have to, but know you have another good person to talk to if you want.

    Take care, and thanks for being a brave warrior princess right now
    Posted 09-18-2018 at 08:02 AM by Joan Sky Joan Sky is offline
    Updated 09-18-2018 at 03:56 PM by Joan Sky
  3. Old Comment
    herpderp42's Avatar
    You do not need to feel shame in the BDSM scene or about any illness of course but I think it is pretty natural to do. If you do not want your environment to know about certain things you would of course feel ashmed about them. Not that you need or should be but you most likely will.

    When I was new to the kinky stuff I was ashmed of a few kinky things aswell. I got my first toy (an anal vibrator) a few years ago and I did get it in an actual sex shop. I was si embarassed but I somehow managed to go through it even while being pretty ashamed about it. And I was fucking proud of it. Not because I did not feel any shame but because I did what I wanted ro do even if ashamed.
    In the end we all MAY feel shame and nobody in the kinky scene should be allowed to shame us for feeling it.

    So if that thought helps you: You don't need to judge yourself for feeling ashamed. Maybe the idea of focusing on how the shame does not affect your goals and life too much is easier than battling your feelings completely.
    Posted 09-18-2018 at 08:24 AM by herpderp42 herpderp42 is offline
    Updated 09-18-2018 at 08:30 AM by herpderp42
  4. Old Comment
    lilith_'s Avatar
    Thank you for the long and thoughtful messages, I don't really have the energy right now to reply equally, so I'll only say that I thank you very much <3
    Posted 09-18-2018 at 03:19 PM by lilith_ lilith_ is offline
  5. Old Comment
    Lilith, you are hinting at repressed memories of being sexually touched as a child by an older man. Could it be that an association was formed between yoir sexuality and being dominated by an older man? The question remains: how much of this is your true personality?

    You can grow in a number of different directions from here. You could blossom as a fully fledged BDSM submissive. Or, you could learn to enjoy sex on equal terms with a suitable partnet. I wish you all the best, whatever comes.
    Posted 09-19-2018 at 05:03 AM by andrewsc andrewsc is offline
  6. Old Comment
    lilith_'s Avatar
    Originally Posted by andrewsc View Comment
    Lilith, you are hinting at repressed memories of being sexually touched as a child by an older man. Could it be that an association was formed between yoir sexuality and being dominated by an older man? The question remains: how much of this is your true personality?

    You can grow in a number of different directions from here. You could blossom as a fully fledged BDSM submissive. Or, you could learn to enjoy sex on equal terms with a suitable partnet. I wish you all the best, whatever comes.
    I feel like submission is a huge part of who I am and I can't really imagine my life without it in it. Thank you for your message
    Posted 09-19-2018 at 12:09 PM by lilith_ lilith_ is offline

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