A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
Blackmail: Will I actually do it?
The one question I get asked the most about being in a blackmail relationship is:
Will you actually go through with it?
I always tell people YES! But they are skeptical.
The thing is, as much as I care about Jaro, if he deliberately broke our contract, I would be obligated to go through with our blackmail plan.
For those that haven't read our blog about how blackmail works for us, we have a three step plan.
STEP ONE
If Jaro were to disobey us once, he would have to endure a 5 minute mouth soaping.
STEP TWO
If Jaro were to disobey us a second time, he would have to endure a 5 minute cold shower.
STEP THREE
If Jaro were to disobey us a third time, we will release a piece of material in a way that will expose him.
Now, although I have always told myself that I would go through with it if needed, I never actually believed I would be faced with even step one of our plan. Jaro is very loyal and obedient and he always tries his best.
However, a few weeks ago, Jaro disobeyed us by going to the bathroom while at home, against direct orders to wait a specified period of time. In this situation, Jaro could have wet himself as he was home and alone. Icey and I were lenient with him this time, as we had never really discussed that this is what he should have done. Instead, we gave him a pretty harsh punishment which lasted the entire weekend. Something that Jaro truly dreaded.
Now, maybe you will call us soft for not going through with our blackmail plan, but we know that Jaro didn't disobey on purpose. If we had discussed things previously, he really would have wet himself and sat in it until his time was up. We know this because after almost a year of playing together, we know him and how serious he takes our dynamic.
Still, it has caused Jaro to question whether the blackmail is still needed. Just recently he asked Icey and I if there is any reason to continue it. It is true, we have been deleting a lot of the new material (proof videos and pics etc.) that he has sent us. But we have enough information from him in even just the first few files he sent, that it would be pointlessly destructive to release everything we have. So there is no need.
On top of that, there are many things that Icey and I ask Jaro to do, that he doesn't want to do. Things that truly make him freak out. So yes, I do think there is still merit in our blackmail component.
and ... the time has come ....
Jaro directly disobeyed me multiple times during a live play session. And because of this, Icey and I have decided that he must complete step one of our plan. Today, Jaro will endure a 5 minute mouth soaping, something that is a true punishment for him. He will also do it on video with full face showing, and then send it to Icey and I as proof of completion.
I am not going to lie ... this really sucks. I don't want to punish Jaro. I don't want to proceed with step one, but I will do it. If we don't go through with it, then we will lose our authority.
So for all those doubters and skeptics, here we are.
EDIT: I want to clarify that when I wrote this blog, I was in the aftermath of dealing with the situation with Jaro. A play session that went wrong. I was upset at all that happened, and Jaro was also very upset. We took time apart to digest everything that occured, and Icey and I had a conversation to make a decision. Even though I was upset, Icey was there to be a voice of reason. And we BOTH decided that we would go ahead with step one of our blackmail plan, which to be clear, has NOTHING to do with exposing him. It is a glorified punishment, which was actually a lot less harsh than other punishments we gave him.
Because of the frame of mind that I was in when I wrote this, it may have come off as me having doubts. However, I was very secure in my decision. It doesn't mean I WANTED to punish Jaro. I never want to. I don't get any pleasure from having to hand out any kind of punishment. Punishments don't tickle my sadistic bone. I don't get turned on by seeing him mentally suffer through a punishment. BUT that doesn't mean I was doubting my decision. I know that going through with the punishment we all agreed upon was the right decision for all three of us. But it especially was the right decision for Jaro. I know he wanted this, I know he needed this. And that is why we came to this decision.
Will you actually go through with it?
I always tell people YES! But they are skeptical.
The thing is, as much as I care about Jaro, if he deliberately broke our contract, I would be obligated to go through with our blackmail plan.
For those that haven't read our blog about how blackmail works for us, we have a three step plan.
STEP ONE
If Jaro were to disobey us once, he would have to endure a 5 minute mouth soaping.
STEP TWO
If Jaro were to disobey us a second time, he would have to endure a 5 minute cold shower.
STEP THREE
If Jaro were to disobey us a third time, we will release a piece of material in a way that will expose him.
Now, although I have always told myself that I would go through with it if needed, I never actually believed I would be faced with even step one of our plan. Jaro is very loyal and obedient and he always tries his best.
However, a few weeks ago, Jaro disobeyed us by going to the bathroom while at home, against direct orders to wait a specified period of time. In this situation, Jaro could have wet himself as he was home and alone. Icey and I were lenient with him this time, as we had never really discussed that this is what he should have done. Instead, we gave him a pretty harsh punishment which lasted the entire weekend. Something that Jaro truly dreaded.
Now, maybe you will call us soft for not going through with our blackmail plan, but we know that Jaro didn't disobey on purpose. If we had discussed things previously, he really would have wet himself and sat in it until his time was up. We know this because after almost a year of playing together, we know him and how serious he takes our dynamic.
Still, it has caused Jaro to question whether the blackmail is still needed. Just recently he asked Icey and I if there is any reason to continue it. It is true, we have been deleting a lot of the new material (proof videos and pics etc.) that he has sent us. But we have enough information from him in even just the first few files he sent, that it would be pointlessly destructive to release everything we have. So there is no need.
On top of that, there are many things that Icey and I ask Jaro to do, that he doesn't want to do. Things that truly make him freak out. So yes, I do think there is still merit in our blackmail component.
and ... the time has come ....
Jaro directly disobeyed me multiple times during a live play session. And because of this, Icey and I have decided that he must complete step one of our plan. Today, Jaro will endure a 5 minute mouth soaping, something that is a true punishment for him. He will also do it on video with full face showing, and then send it to Icey and I as proof of completion.
I am not going to lie ... this really sucks. I don't want to punish Jaro. I don't want to proceed with step one, but I will do it. If we don't go through with it, then we will lose our authority.
So for all those doubters and skeptics, here we are.
EDIT: I want to clarify that when I wrote this blog, I was in the aftermath of dealing with the situation with Jaro. A play session that went wrong. I was upset at all that happened, and Jaro was also very upset. We took time apart to digest everything that occured, and Icey and I had a conversation to make a decision. Even though I was upset, Icey was there to be a voice of reason. And we BOTH decided that we would go ahead with step one of our blackmail plan, which to be clear, has NOTHING to do with exposing him. It is a glorified punishment, which was actually a lot less harsh than other punishments we gave him.
Because of the frame of mind that I was in when I wrote this, it may have come off as me having doubts. However, I was very secure in my decision. It doesn't mean I WANTED to punish Jaro. I never want to. I don't get any pleasure from having to hand out any kind of punishment. Punishments don't tickle my sadistic bone. I don't get turned on by seeing him mentally suffer through a punishment. BUT that doesn't mean I was doubting my decision. I know that going through with the punishment we all agreed upon was the right decision for all three of us. But it especially was the right decision for Jaro. I know he wanted this, I know he needed this. And that is why we came to this decision.
Total Comments 35
Comments
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Unfortunately you have taken a very closed minded and uneducated view point on this. Questioning Butterfly's mental health and taking blogs out of context to try and prove some point about something in D/s you don't agree with is really underhanded and totally uncalled for.Quote:Originally Posted by little pet
Dear Butterfly,
You’ve done a lot for the getDare community, and with it, you’ve made yourself into a person that people look for as an example figure. I think that a lot of things you do are good, and have served this community well.
This response won’t be the one you might be hoping for though.
What I’ve been reading, has me worried. I have thought about this response carefully. The point of it is not to be nasty. It comes from genuine concern, not in the least place for Jaro. But also for the example you are setting for everyone here. I hope you and other people will read this, and think about it carefully.
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However exciting it may sound, when blackmail starts to become a reality, it could be very destructive to the person subject to it. And to your relationship I would think.
This, coupled with what I read in your findom blog, seems to me a very unhealthy amount of power to hold over someone you haven’t even met in real life.
You’re blogging about taking even further control over his finances. Meanwhile, you also blog about being overwhelmed by all that you take on, about mental health issues, and about “being grumpy” and “not wanting to adult”... And yet you are taking extreme control over an other adult’s life? How is this possible when managing your own life is challenging enough as it is?
You’re thousands of kilometres apart, for fuck’s sake. What are you going to do when you’ve finally exposed Jaro? What if it has some serious bad effects for him?
You’ll be much too far away to help him, or fix things.
I am really, really worried by this.
As you're well aware, many of Butterfly's blogs can be tongue in cheek such as her grumpy blog. I don't have to justify or explain anything to you, but I can assure you she takes her Domme role incredibly seriously and does an amazing job of separating it from her little and sub sides.
You and most people here have no idea the amount of discussion and on going care that goes into this. You said you thought about your response carefully yet you say this... "You’re thousands of kilometres apart, for fuck’s sake." One of the most hypocritical things I've read given the things you and Sam do..
Your tone and choice of wording made this comment sound like an attack and is very unbecoming of you.Posted 07-23-2018 at 10:09 PM by Mr. Devious 
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The one thing that everyone seems to get quite hot and bothered about, was simply a question that stems from reading lots of your public blogs:
How do you think you can manage even more power and control. Taking all your other writings into account.
Is it "mudslinging, kink shaming, unbecoming?" No, that's just a convenient way of dismissing what was a straightforward, albeit critical question.Posted 07-24-2018 at 12:22 AM by little pet
Updated 07-24-2018 at 04:51 AM by little pet -
So the question is just: how can you manage even more power and control, given all the shared and unshared past experience with Jaro (leaving out any shared and unshared information on temporary personal states)?
Posted 07-24-2018 at 02:31 AM by CSasha
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No.Quote:Originally Posted by Cassandra
So the question is just: how can you manage even more power and control, given all the shared and unshared past experience with Jaro (leaving out any shared and unshared information on temporary personal states)?
My question stands as it is. I haven’t used any unshared information. Merely what has been shared publically.
It would be naive to assume that sharing a large part of life, issues and bdsm activities would never result in people having questions or doubts. It would be unrealistic to expect praise, but never a critical appraisal.Posted 07-24-2018 at 02:54 AM by little pet
Updated 07-24-2018 at 04:52 AM by little pet -
My thoughts are that if you turn a shared moment of weakness into an argument for questioning that persons (re)liability, it's making people open up less. And it's also not fair to deny those people any resonsibility. For example, it would also not be fair to deny you responsibility to care for children because of your play sessions with Sam. (No offense intended. Forgive me if I hit somezhing, please.) You shouldn't mix both with each other, but you can do one AND the other. We are not sleeping all the time, not frightened, confused or anything else all the time. I think the argument is only valid with a longer, persistent observation. A blog isn't coming even close to that.
Posted 07-24-2018 at 04:37 AM by CSasha
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Quote:Originally Posted by little pet
The one thing that everyone seems to get quite hot and bothered about, was simply a question that stems from reading lots of your public blogs:
How do you think you can manage even more power and control. Taking all your other writings into account.
Is it "mudslinging, kink shaming, unbecoming?" No, that's just a convenient way of dismissing what was a straightforward, albeit critical question.
Doesn't the fact that Butterfly and Icy are sharing the responsibility / time management sort of offset the concern about taking on the increased power and control? They are democratically handling the dominant aspect, thus lowering the chances of abuse and the stress placed on them.
Additionally, they have demonstrated that everything is discussed beforehand with Jaro. They make sure all concerns are worked out between the 3 of them before any play session / changes in rules.
I *think* the concern raised is, at least, mostly answered. What do you think?
Trying to be analytical on this.Posted 07-24-2018 at 04:49 AM by Blue Fox
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Just my feeling: does it dip into the claim of "if you sub you cannot dom at the same time" or "you can only dom if you have no known issues yourself"? Just provocatively asking.
Posted 07-24-2018 at 05:55 AM by CSasha
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Little pet I do think that I addressed your concerns in my original response and while you viewed my mental health blog as putting words in your mouth, I believe that also should help address a lot of your concerns.
Yes, I get overwhelmed at times. I have a lot going on in my own life. But just because I have other responsibilities, it doesn't make me unable to take on another.
As others have pointed out, the shared responsibility with IceMaiden takes a load of pressure off just one of us. It keeps us in check. If one of us is struggling, having a bad day or are just plain busy, we have the other person to consult and take on some of the responsibility. We also discuss things with Jaro and if we need to schedule a break we do. For example, for the next two weeks I will be away. Other than 2 or 3 rules, Jaro does not need to do any of his normal sub things. One of those rules is financial control. Since I am going to be around less, we have given him his normal allowance and then an additional reserve that he can spend without having to ask. However I am not just disappearing. I will be around as a friend and Icey will still be around, so he is more than welcome to ask if he wishes. And his concerns will still be heard.
Financial domination is a big undertaking. So is blackmail. That is why we go slow. Communicate. And adjust an necessary. If any of us feel that something is too much, we have no issues with admitting that to each other and taking a step back.
I have control over my own life. I am responsible and although I complain about it at times, I am a fully functioning and capable adult. I may have days where I feel overwhelmed with life, or I have a panic attack. I might need to have a day here and there to unplug my phone and computer and just be with my husband. I also have had to heal from a lot of crap, not just this year but in general. But I honestly don't see how those things would prevent me from being able to Domme somebody, even in more extreme ways on occasion.Posted 07-24-2018 at 06:32 AM by Butterfly
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I truly fail to see the cause for such great concern here. Jaro can apparently safeword out of the entire ‘blackmail’ situation if it really comes to it. He’s also being ‘blsckmailed’ by two people who are very well known here and as such who have plenty to lose if they are seen to go rogue.
I love reading about Sam and Pet’s extreme scenes. I can’t see this arrangement between Jaro, Butterfly and Icy as being any more “extreme” than that.
I do think that some blog comments would be better framed as private messages.
Peace, all!Posted 07-24-2018 at 09:05 AM by mandible
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I think both Butterfly and I, and most importantly Jaro, have addressed every concern that has been raised. Nobody has to agree or like it, but you DO have to deal with it. Because at the end of the day it is OUR relationship and no one else's. If we are happy with it and everything is consensual between us, it really isn't anybody else's buisness.Posted 07-24-2018 at 04:33 PM by IceMaiden
Updated 07-24-2018 at 04:47 PM by IceMaiden
