A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
Fantasy vs. Reality: My journey as a sub
Posted 07-11-2018 at 11:46 AM by Butterfly
Five years ago, when I first created an account on getDare, I did so in order to respond to an ad for a Dom. Up to that point, I had one long term online Dom who actually lived in the same city as me (although we never met in person), and I had multiple short term Doms who I ran into on Omegle or other chat sites. Those Doms only lasted a few days, maybe a week at most.
I always thought that my submission was an outlet. I needed a short term fix for my life stresses. I wanted somebody strict, stern and all controlling. Most of the Doms wanted me to have a list of 20 rules that controlled every part of my life: clothes, diet, bathroom, exercise, the way I spoke, who I spoke to, my social life ... and a lot of the time they wanted me to be a "no sir"/"yes sir" robot. I knew that I couldn't sustain that lifestyle for long term, although it did appeal to me. After a few days, I would start to feel burdened, overwhelmed and I would burn out. That is what would cause me to run away.
I had this fantasy in my head about what a sub/slave was. I wanted strict control. I wanted to not be allowed an opinion. I wanted every aspect of my life to be controlled and decided for me. But this was merely a fantasy. Something that got me off. The reality wasn't sustainable.
This all changed when I met Mr. Devious of course. He taught me that being a sub didn't have to mean total control, loss of my independence, or turning into a robot. I could be myself: bratty, fun, sassy, and independent at the same time as submitting to him. Submission could actually be empowering. For the first time, I was able to sustain a D/s relationship and not get burnt out or want to run away.
It helped that he was dreamy and made me swoon. And of course we fell in love with each other which added a whole other dimension to our dynamic ... but even without that, I was learning how to balance fantasy vs. reality.
Mr. Devious and I have been looking for a co-dom for the last year, and because of that, as well as being a mod, I look at most of the ads that are posted on here. I see so many that are overwhelming to read.
For example, today I read an ad which had a list of requirements. Some of the requirements included things like being into certain kinks, being single, comfortable with going on cam etc. I found all of these things to be reasonable, although they obviously don't apply to me. But there were also some other mandatory requirements:
* No possibility of interruptions (from roomates, parents etc.)
* Freedom to remain naked at least 8 hours a day
* Willingness to give up TOTAL control sometimes
* Financial freedom to purchase toys right away (stated he doesn't want to wait for 3 weeks for you to be able to afford toys)
and I can't help but think to myself that those are some things that I would have gravitated towards in the past. The fantasy of the "domly dom" who heeds no care to my wants or needs, but instead demands what they want from me. But I have learned that, those things are not sustainable long term, at least for me. Of course, they are likely doable for somebody, and they aren't nearly as strict as some of the others that I see.
But I have to wonder ... do others feel the same way. Is it just me?
When I see people responding to ads that demand total control of their social calendar, of their diet and exercise. Those who demand that you respond to them with your full attention within 5 minutes or else you risk a punishment. Are people drawn to the fantasy? Is it a role play for them? Or is this their reality?
How is that sustainable? Do these relationships work out long term? I honestly want to know how others feel. I want to discuss this, and understand. Because maybe it is just me who rolls my eyes at ads like that.
Note: I do want to point out that I know there are people who have relationships that are strict, with lots of rules and real consequences when those rules are not followed. Hell, I am in one of those relationships with Jaro. It isn't a fantasy, it is our reality. However, those relationships have built slowly over time, and weren't started with those expectations on day one.
I always thought that my submission was an outlet. I needed a short term fix for my life stresses. I wanted somebody strict, stern and all controlling. Most of the Doms wanted me to have a list of 20 rules that controlled every part of my life: clothes, diet, bathroom, exercise, the way I spoke, who I spoke to, my social life ... and a lot of the time they wanted me to be a "no sir"/"yes sir" robot. I knew that I couldn't sustain that lifestyle for long term, although it did appeal to me. After a few days, I would start to feel burdened, overwhelmed and I would burn out. That is what would cause me to run away.
I had this fantasy in my head about what a sub/slave was. I wanted strict control. I wanted to not be allowed an opinion. I wanted every aspect of my life to be controlled and decided for me. But this was merely a fantasy. Something that got me off. The reality wasn't sustainable.
This all changed when I met Mr. Devious of course. He taught me that being a sub didn't have to mean total control, loss of my independence, or turning into a robot. I could be myself: bratty, fun, sassy, and independent at the same time as submitting to him. Submission could actually be empowering. For the first time, I was able to sustain a D/s relationship and not get burnt out or want to run away.
It helped that he was dreamy and made me swoon. And of course we fell in love with each other which added a whole other dimension to our dynamic ... but even without that, I was learning how to balance fantasy vs. reality.
Mr. Devious and I have been looking for a co-dom for the last year, and because of that, as well as being a mod, I look at most of the ads that are posted on here. I see so many that are overwhelming to read.
For example, today I read an ad which had a list of requirements. Some of the requirements included things like being into certain kinks, being single, comfortable with going on cam etc. I found all of these things to be reasonable, although they obviously don't apply to me. But there were also some other mandatory requirements:
* No possibility of interruptions (from roomates, parents etc.)
* Freedom to remain naked at least 8 hours a day
* Willingness to give up TOTAL control sometimes
* Financial freedom to purchase toys right away (stated he doesn't want to wait for 3 weeks for you to be able to afford toys)
and I can't help but think to myself that those are some things that I would have gravitated towards in the past. The fantasy of the "domly dom" who heeds no care to my wants or needs, but instead demands what they want from me. But I have learned that, those things are not sustainable long term, at least for me. Of course, they are likely doable for somebody, and they aren't nearly as strict as some of the others that I see.
But I have to wonder ... do others feel the same way. Is it just me?
When I see people responding to ads that demand total control of their social calendar, of their diet and exercise. Those who demand that you respond to them with your full attention within 5 minutes or else you risk a punishment. Are people drawn to the fantasy? Is it a role play for them? Or is this their reality?
How is that sustainable? Do these relationships work out long term? I honestly want to know how others feel. I want to discuss this, and understand. Because maybe it is just me who rolls my eyes at ads like that.
Note: I do want to point out that I know there are people who have relationships that are strict, with lots of rules and real consequences when those rules are not followed. Hell, I am in one of those relationships with Jaro. It isn't a fantasy, it is our reality. However, those relationships have built slowly over time, and weren't started with those expectations on day one.
Total Comments 7
Comments
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Total control is a huge fantasy of mine but I agree something like that isn't sustainable if you just jump in. After a few failed D/S relationships I found that if you get to know them and have a friendly relationship first it can be easier and more fun to slip into subbyness and if wanted in time total control (though maybe for like scheduled days or weeks instead of every single second of everyday forever and ever.)Posted 07-11-2018 at 11:56 AM by OriTheOwl 
Updated 07-11-2018 at 11:59 AM by OriTheOwl -
I cannot agree more with you. I've been in the lifestyle for a couple of years, mostly living it only and having developed quite strong fantasies I wanted to live. Though I never managed to live them in a sustainable way, as in most of the cases things kind of escalated and it wasn't well balanced. In like more than 95% of the cases, I didn't manage to find the same communication level. In those I did I usually wanted more than I could give. I met probably not even a handful of girls who I could talk to and build things up easy. But it was very difficult to find them and for various reasons it often didn't work out.
Bottom line: Find someone you can well communicate with and start things easy. It's a good sign you fell well and do not rush into things.Posted 07-11-2018 at 11:57 AM by Kinkygames
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Total control is one thing when you do it over time. I can see taking in rules, or having controls over certain things with someone when you have bonded, know what works and have worked towards it. When you have built up that trust with someone that it takes to have those types of relationships. Personally, I feel the people that are looking for that type of relationship right away are the people that want their own personal porn star. I do not mean porn star in a negative way, its just the best way I can think of to describe that role short of saying a sex toy. I mean this to say that they want someone who is going to live out their fantasies and show them the videos and pictures. Their own personal live show of their fantasy. I do not think ads like that understand what it takes to have a relationship like that. Take the sex toy requirement. I am sorry, but it might take 3 weeks for me to get comfortable enough, if not more, to let you spend my money on toys I may or may not like. I just think they want to jump into something that is 100% to their benefit and control versus thinking about the other people. They are impatient and just want a play thing is what it seems like to me.Posted 07-11-2018 at 12:21 PM by Wedgiebondagebabe
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Different people have different needs for different relationships. I also don't get how anyone can have a very close, strict and intense relationship without building it up first over a longer period and step by step, or jump into such relationships a thousand times and fail. But that's other people's choices. Not my circus, not my monkeys.
But I also encounter people expecting too much, mostly attention or commitment, without getting theirs, or just wanting to play on a very different intensity level than me. Never works out. I need my freedom though that might sound counterintuitive. I need some time and stickiness with someone to be able to open up. I am a romantic slut.
Posted 07-11-2018 at 02:26 PM by CSasha
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There is a definite difference between what sounds appealing and what you both need and really would like. I have found there are many things that make me go "oh my!" but, when it comes to actual application, turn out to not be so good (at best).
The *idea* of total power control sounds very appealing. But, I have to come to terms with the fact that there are parts of my life I can't just turn over. Plus, in that dynamic, you are having to trust the other person is truly able to make the best decisions and knows what they are talking about. From my prior experiences, that just isn't the case. It requires an extraordinary amount of trust and has to be built up. Even then, usually, it isn't an always on total power control.Posted 07-12-2018 at 02:37 PM by Blue Fox
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Fantasy is definitely different from reality. I think a significant reason behind all the “stupid pm’s and stupid replies” is that people don’t realize that gd is made of real people with real looks, with real insecurities, with real time availability, with real physical limitations.
To some part that is understandable. We are used to being surrounded by amusement parks, chatbots, movies,...... all these paint a fantasy world and allow us to interact with that fantasy world.
When going into reality we just discover things DO have limitations.
It may sound incredibly cool to be locked without attention for 12hrs. In reality it is better to start such a thing with 15 Orr 30 minutes and slowly extend until some sweet spot. It may sound tgreat o be under extreme control,... again,... building slowly,... find out triggers and downers is better.
Since you ask,...
Is it role Play? Is it real? Is it sustainable?
In my experience: yes.
But.... as said above,... things need to be built slowly. And even if at one time some extreme task can be ok, a next time it may be too much. Also towards the dom: providing extremely detailed control is likely to be not sustainable. It can wear the dom out.
But when bringing things in perspective,.. yes it can be real. To be precise,... the control I currently have over my pet is real.
To me, to us, an important aspect of having it sustainable is that most of the time we actually behave very normal, we chat about very normal things. I DO have control over my pet, but it is reserved for only a fraction of the time. Lately we even came to better understanding of that.
I tell may pet: “you are getting a severe session because your stable enough to endure it”. That defines it. The bigger her independence 90% of the time, the deeper the control she gets. In a wicked way this means I also control the 90%. As she WANTS to earn an intense session, she feels challenged to be more independent the other 90%.
That all gets wicked.
The conclusion simply is,.. yes.. the control is real,... but there is nothing simple, straightforward or automatic about that.Posted 07-13-2018 at 10:57 PM by sir sam
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Many people, myself included, like the idea of total control even up into the extreme. I too dream of a 24/7 TPE lifestyle and, at least online, we are doing that more and more.
Still... I don't think it's sustainable. Real life gets in the way, we need breaks, we don't always feel like it and that's okay.
I think the people who seriously respond to those ads are just living in the fantasy. They don't realize what it would mean in practice and they don't realize they won't actually be able to do it. At least not right away.
In order to get to such a deep level of control you need to know each other really well and work up to it. Slowly. Taking baby steps. That is the only realistic way to get to that level; but even then it wouldn't be manageable 100%.Posted 07-14-2018 at 09:54 PM by Jaro
