A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
Doing Blackmail Safely ...part 2
This blog was a collaborative effort between Icemaiden, Jaroface and myself. As some of you know, we are, all three of us, in a blackmail dynamic where Jaroface is our blackmail slave. Although we entered into this dynamic about 5 months ago, this is still new to all of us.
4) Trust
Icey and I trust Jaro. We trust that he is completing the tasks that we set him (he doesn’t always have to send us proof). We trust that he is always doing his best to please us. We trust that he is communicating with us when he is feeling stressed out or overwhelmed (this is something that he was actually punished for in the beginning, for not sharing these concerns). We trust that he does not want his information exposed.
In turn, Jaro trusts Icey and I. He trusts that we really do care about him and do not want to cause him harm (although we do like to torture him and cause him a bit of distress at times). He trusts that we will not release his information without proper cause. He trusts that we will protect the information he has sent as to the best of our ability.
We could not have this relationship without trust, and I don’t understand people can be in any blackmail relationship without first building that trust.
Not everything we ask Jaro to send us is used for blackmail material. Some is, some is just for us to see and often we don’t even ask him to send the files as we trust entirely he is doing what we have asked him to do. That trust only comes with time, patience and learning about each other.
5) Limits
Jaro is still allowed to have limits. These are a list of things that Jaro really does not want to do under any circumstances. He is allowed to keep that list of limits, however, because of the blackmail dynamic, Icey and I have the power to ignore them at any point. It doesn’t mean we do. Up to this point, we have respected those limits completely. As things progress in our relationship, it is harder and harder to push Jaro even further than he has been. As we continue to progress, we may start to push some of those limits, and may even toe the line on a few. However, we will do so in a slow, safe manner and we will communicate each step of the way.
Even though my limits may be flexible, I know and trust that my misses will take care about them and know how much pushing would be too much. I know that they don’t actually want to ruin me.
It might seem strange to say we allow him to keep his limits but we could ignore them. Theoretically, we could. We have enough information and files that if leaked could possibly harm or hurt him. Things he doesn’t want anyone to see ever. But we choose not to ask that of him, because we care about him and want what is best for him. We want to push him, even make him suffer and torture him, have him try new things or things he is unsure about but we don’t want to break him.
6) Safewords
Jaro currently has two safewords. The first safeword he can use when something is troubling him. It will give him the opportunity to postpone a task or stop in the middle of instructions we have given him. It is a word that he can use to signal to us that his complaining or whining has gone above the norm. When he uses this safeword, he knows that Icey and I will stop and listen to him. We will communicate with him. We will calm him down. We may change or alter or stop a task. But ultimately he knows we are still in control. If we feel his use of the safeword was used to cop out of a task, he may receive a consequence.
As we both trust Jaro I don’t believe he would ever safeword unless he truly felt he needed to. I know some blackmail dynamics don’t allow safewords and online I think that is pretty dumb. Text can only tell a person so much and as we are not physically with each other we can only judge how Jaro feels based on what he tells us. He has used his safeword a couple of times and not once was he punished for it, even with blackmail being our main kink within our dynamic. Is it strange for a blackmail relationship to allow safe words? Maybe. It’s my first time experimenting with blackmail so I’m not sure if that is the norm or not. I do know that having them involved lessens the risk a little in incredibly risky play. And that can only be a good thing.
His other safeword is the ultimate safeword. This safeword will basically end the entire relationship. If used, this safeword will mean that the three of us will walk away indifinetly (although we would still remain friends). The information we had received for blackmail would be discarded with no consequences to Jaro. This leaves Jaro ultimately in control.
I’m pretty confident that Jaro knows we would indeed delete everything if he ever used this safeword, and again that stems to trusting and knowing us well before giving us so much material that could harm him.
7) Communication
This is pretty similar to point #1. However, I think it is the most important of any relationship so I don’t mind writing it again.
Like I mentioned before, we have actually punished Jaro in the past for not sharing with us his true thoughts and feelings. We encourage him to be open and honest with us at all times and we have implemented different ways to do this:
* Jaro writes a report every other day. In this report he keeps us both updated, since there are two of us in charge, he might be completing rules or tasks from each of us separately. He also shares with us his thoughts and feelings on each task as well as general thoughts and feelings on his well being. We then respond and leave feedback for him.
*Jaro also needs to write a blog each week. This can be less enlightening than his reports as they usually are not as personal, but they are still a way for him to communicate what is on his mind each week.
*We share a group hangouts chat. This chat is where ALL requests are made, where ALL tasks are handed out, and where ALL discussion relating to our dynamic are had. This ensures that even if one of us aren’t available at a certain time, we can all keep update.
*We schedule group chats. This is mostly because all of 3 of us have very different schedules, so we will put aside time where we are all available and will discuss important parts live through a hangouts chat.
On top of those 4 ways, we also encourage communication daily. I mentioned in the previous point that Jaro has a safeword to end our relationship. However, we would never want him to just use that out of the blue one day. Instead, we encourage Jaro to talk to us when he is getting close to thinking about using it. Ending the relationship is the last resort. We only want that to happen if there is nothing else we can do to come to an agreement.
In every relationship, kink and vanilla, communication is the most important thing for everyone involved. Even more so when you throw in risky and dangerous play. Jaro will never be disciplined for stating his thoughts and feelings, even if we don’t like what he has to say. The only thing he will be disciplined for is for NOT communicating with us. Although I think after last time he learned it was better for him to share.
Conclusion
I think that a lot of people see blackmail crazed members all over getDare. The ones who will send you everything on the first hour of talking and they think “these people must be crazy” or “they are fake”, but I think blackmail can be done successfully. It is a high risk kink, but when done correctly, you can minimize some of the risks. Still it is important to be risk aware and that is why I wanted to write this blog. Looking in, you might see that three well known members of getDare are doing it, so it must be safe.
Just because someone does it who you know to be serious and safety conscious doesn’t make it immediately safe for you to do the same. Do your research, learn, talk to your potential blackmailer/blackmailee. Talk A LOT. And often. Minimize what risks you can and be aware of the others. Have what safety mechanisms you can in place and review them frequently. It can be done and it can be done right. But it can’t be done right without trust and care.
I’d like to add that some people think blackmail shouldn’t even be needed. If you are in a trusting relationship and, as a sub, you vow to always obey and please, shouldn’t that be enough? Why should there have to be a blackmail threat?
Well, for me it is really to make it more real. Since this is an online only relationship it is even more important for me to have something tangible to force me to do stuff. Even if I would do something anyway, even without the force, the extra threat of the blackmail material makes it real. It’s a mental thing really. Just knowing my misses have this compromising info on me makes it a very real push for me. But conversely, it is also true that my misses still have to trust me that what I tell them I do is true. They don’t always have tangible proof that I did something, but they do have a lot.
We have a lot of safeguards in place but still, blackmail is risky play and it’s never 100% safe. 100% safe means not sharing anything or perhaps not even being on the internet at all. But it’s a risk we have chosen to take and mitigate as much as possible.
*******
Continued from part 1 here.
4) Trust
Icey and I trust Jaro. We trust that he is completing the tasks that we set him (he doesn’t always have to send us proof). We trust that he is always doing his best to please us. We trust that he is communicating with us when he is feeling stressed out or overwhelmed (this is something that he was actually punished for in the beginning, for not sharing these concerns). We trust that he does not want his information exposed.
In turn, Jaro trusts Icey and I. He trusts that we really do care about him and do not want to cause him harm (although we do like to torture him and cause him a bit of distress at times). He trusts that we will not release his information without proper cause. He trusts that we will protect the information he has sent as to the best of our ability.
We could not have this relationship without trust, and I don’t understand people can be in any blackmail relationship without first building that trust.
Not everything we ask Jaro to send us is used for blackmail material. Some is, some is just for us to see and often we don’t even ask him to send the files as we trust entirely he is doing what we have asked him to do. That trust only comes with time, patience and learning about each other.
5) Limits
Jaro is still allowed to have limits. These are a list of things that Jaro really does not want to do under any circumstances. He is allowed to keep that list of limits, however, because of the blackmail dynamic, Icey and I have the power to ignore them at any point. It doesn’t mean we do. Up to this point, we have respected those limits completely. As things progress in our relationship, it is harder and harder to push Jaro even further than he has been. As we continue to progress, we may start to push some of those limits, and may even toe the line on a few. However, we will do so in a slow, safe manner and we will communicate each step of the way.
Even though my limits may be flexible, I know and trust that my misses will take care about them and know how much pushing would be too much. I know that they don’t actually want to ruin me.
It might seem strange to say we allow him to keep his limits but we could ignore them. Theoretically, we could. We have enough information and files that if leaked could possibly harm or hurt him. Things he doesn’t want anyone to see ever. But we choose not to ask that of him, because we care about him and want what is best for him. We want to push him, even make him suffer and torture him, have him try new things or things he is unsure about but we don’t want to break him.
6) Safewords
Jaro currently has two safewords. The first safeword he can use when something is troubling him. It will give him the opportunity to postpone a task or stop in the middle of instructions we have given him. It is a word that he can use to signal to us that his complaining or whining has gone above the norm. When he uses this safeword, he knows that Icey and I will stop and listen to him. We will communicate with him. We will calm him down. We may change or alter or stop a task. But ultimately he knows we are still in control. If we feel his use of the safeword was used to cop out of a task, he may receive a consequence.
As we both trust Jaro I don’t believe he would ever safeword unless he truly felt he needed to. I know some blackmail dynamics don’t allow safewords and online I think that is pretty dumb. Text can only tell a person so much and as we are not physically with each other we can only judge how Jaro feels based on what he tells us. He has used his safeword a couple of times and not once was he punished for it, even with blackmail being our main kink within our dynamic. Is it strange for a blackmail relationship to allow safe words? Maybe. It’s my first time experimenting with blackmail so I’m not sure if that is the norm or not. I do know that having them involved lessens the risk a little in incredibly risky play. And that can only be a good thing.
His other safeword is the ultimate safeword. This safeword will basically end the entire relationship. If used, this safeword will mean that the three of us will walk away indifinetly (although we would still remain friends). The information we had received for blackmail would be discarded with no consequences to Jaro. This leaves Jaro ultimately in control.
I’m pretty confident that Jaro knows we would indeed delete everything if he ever used this safeword, and again that stems to trusting and knowing us well before giving us so much material that could harm him.
7) Communication
This is pretty similar to point #1. However, I think it is the most important of any relationship so I don’t mind writing it again.
Like I mentioned before, we have actually punished Jaro in the past for not sharing with us his true thoughts and feelings. We encourage him to be open and honest with us at all times and we have implemented different ways to do this:
* Jaro writes a report every other day. In this report he keeps us both updated, since there are two of us in charge, he might be completing rules or tasks from each of us separately. He also shares with us his thoughts and feelings on each task as well as general thoughts and feelings on his well being. We then respond and leave feedback for him.
*Jaro also needs to write a blog each week. This can be less enlightening than his reports as they usually are not as personal, but they are still a way for him to communicate what is on his mind each week.
*We share a group hangouts chat. This chat is where ALL requests are made, where ALL tasks are handed out, and where ALL discussion relating to our dynamic are had. This ensures that even if one of us aren’t available at a certain time, we can all keep update.
*We schedule group chats. This is mostly because all of 3 of us have very different schedules, so we will put aside time where we are all available and will discuss important parts live through a hangouts chat.
On top of those 4 ways, we also encourage communication daily. I mentioned in the previous point that Jaro has a safeword to end our relationship. However, we would never want him to just use that out of the blue one day. Instead, we encourage Jaro to talk to us when he is getting close to thinking about using it. Ending the relationship is the last resort. We only want that to happen if there is nothing else we can do to come to an agreement.
In every relationship, kink and vanilla, communication is the most important thing for everyone involved. Even more so when you throw in risky and dangerous play. Jaro will never be disciplined for stating his thoughts and feelings, even if we don’t like what he has to say. The only thing he will be disciplined for is for NOT communicating with us. Although I think after last time he learned it was better for him to share.
Conclusion
I think that a lot of people see blackmail crazed members all over getDare. The ones who will send you everything on the first hour of talking and they think “these people must be crazy” or “they are fake”, but I think blackmail can be done successfully. It is a high risk kink, but when done correctly, you can minimize some of the risks. Still it is important to be risk aware and that is why I wanted to write this blog. Looking in, you might see that three well known members of getDare are doing it, so it must be safe.
Just because someone does it who you know to be serious and safety conscious doesn’t make it immediately safe for you to do the same. Do your research, learn, talk to your potential blackmailer/blackmailee. Talk A LOT. And often. Minimize what risks you can and be aware of the others. Have what safety mechanisms you can in place and review them frequently. It can be done and it can be done right. But it can’t be done right without trust and care.
I’d like to add that some people think blackmail shouldn’t even be needed. If you are in a trusting relationship and, as a sub, you vow to always obey and please, shouldn’t that be enough? Why should there have to be a blackmail threat?
Well, for me it is really to make it more real. Since this is an online only relationship it is even more important for me to have something tangible to force me to do stuff. Even if I would do something anyway, even without the force, the extra threat of the blackmail material makes it real. It’s a mental thing really. Just knowing my misses have this compromising info on me makes it a very real push for me. But conversely, it is also true that my misses still have to trust me that what I tell them I do is true. They don’t always have tangible proof that I did something, but they do have a lot.
We have a lot of safeguards in place but still, blackmail is risky play and it’s never 100% safe. 100% safe means not sharing anything or perhaps not even being on the internet at all. But it’s a risk we have chosen to take and mitigate as much as possible.
Total Comments 2
Comments
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Jaro, I understand completely when you say you have a need for something to make it real for you. I try to do tasks all the time and I have the idea in my mind that I just want to quit. I think for a lot of people doing kink can be boring if you don't have someone to do it with. For some people an online relationship is enough, but for others you need more. I like that you stated that though because that is how I feel about getDare and kink as a whole. I need to feel that I am doing it for something.Posted 01-24-2018 at 06:03 PM by Wedgiebondagebabe 
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I thing being in person with somebody can have that same effect. They hold more power. There is less being able to hide or run from it. You feel more bound to follow through, and they are able to "check" on you more to make sure you are following through.Quote:Originally Posted by Wedgiebondagebabe
Jaro, I understand completely when you say you have a need for something to make it real for you. I try to do tasks all the time and I have the idea in my mind that I just want to quit. I think for a lot of people doing kink can be boring if you don't have someone to do it with. For some people an online relationship is enough, but for others you need more. I like that you stated that though because that is how I feel about getDare and kink as a whole. I need to feel that I am doing it for something.
Sometimes the online relationship, even with sharing photos and voice calls etc. lack that power and so I can understand where the appeal of blackmail comes from.
That being said, I could never be on Jaro's end of things.Posted 01-24-2018 at 06:12 PM by Butterfly
