Denial, Fear and Desperation.
For those who don't already know, I am currently working through some edges before I can come again. The reports on how it is going can be found here:
http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=266853
As stated in the last report this seems to be never ending and I am really beginning to struggle now. I couldn't do many edges in a row to begin with without having to take a break and recently I can only do a single one before I need to stop. Even those single ones are always extremely close to becoming a ruined orgasm.
I am constantly thinking about touching and orgasms and there is hardly a minute that goes by where I am not at least a little wet even if I haven't been touching and edging for a while.
AM and I have tried to get me to this stage before but I was either never able to do so many edges or I had an unexpected orgasm without touching at all- those started happening after we did hypnosis and I never know when or where it will happen, although it hasn't happened for quite some time now. So this is the most desperate I have been.
When discussing it recently with AM and how I felt right now and whether I liked or hated it, I told him I hated it because of two reasons. One was that I can not focus on much else and am constantly thinking about it and that is difficult to contend with when you have family to care for.
The other was that I am always so scared of failing on one of the edges and it turning into a ruined orgasm and disappointing him by not completing what we set out to do.
Even though he told me that I could never fail or disappoint him as I am giving him my best effort and even though rationally I know that, that doesn't stop those thoughts or that fear.
When he realized how desperate I was a few days ago he reminded me we have always been very clear that any play we do where others can get involved are always subject to rule changes at his discretion and because of this and knowing how bad it was (is) for me, he would allow me an orgasm before I had finished the edges.
I wanted to take that orgasm SO badly. But...I didn't. Oh how I wanted to, the temptation was incredibly strong. But I had already stated I would finish all of those edges before I would orgasm. I'd already told him I would try my best at completing it successfully. I told him if I took that orgasm now, I would feel like I had failed and that although I have told him I often don't think I will make it to the end, it would be nice to prove myself wrong about that. Maybe it would have been a better decision to take the orgasm, reduce my frustration and then finish the remaining edges. I will never know.
What I do know is that this is the furthest I have pushed myself in this manner and I am finding it very difficult right now. I don't know if I will make it. Others have given their vote of confidence and AM has told me the only person who believes I can not do it is myself. I hope they are right. I don't know if they are, but I do hope they are. I want to finish what I set out to do. I know already AM is proud of how far I have come with this and well I have done. But I want to make him even prouder. I want to prove to myself I can do it, too.
We have spoken about the fact that when I finish the last edge that doesn't mean an immediate orgasm. In fact, after the last edge I will be doing two full days of no touching whatsoever, whilst he stimulates me with spanks, bondage, certain names he uses to elicit a response from my body, forced porn watching and the likes making the desperation even worse. (Which I wonder if that is even possible at this point.)
And of course, once those days are finished I will still need to beg him for that orgasm and convincingly enough for him to agree to it. And I already know how much I struggle with begging as well. I know that that will also be something very difficult but it is also something I hope I can achieve successfully. I guess I will find out sooner or later, although who knows which it will be?
The end is in sight...but yet still so far away.
http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=266853
As stated in the last report this seems to be never ending and I am really beginning to struggle now. I couldn't do many edges in a row to begin with without having to take a break and recently I can only do a single one before I need to stop. Even those single ones are always extremely close to becoming a ruined orgasm.
I am constantly thinking about touching and orgasms and there is hardly a minute that goes by where I am not at least a little wet even if I haven't been touching and edging for a while.
AM and I have tried to get me to this stage before but I was either never able to do so many edges or I had an unexpected orgasm without touching at all- those started happening after we did hypnosis and I never know when or where it will happen, although it hasn't happened for quite some time now. So this is the most desperate I have been.
When discussing it recently with AM and how I felt right now and whether I liked or hated it, I told him I hated it because of two reasons. One was that I can not focus on much else and am constantly thinking about it and that is difficult to contend with when you have family to care for.
The other was that I am always so scared of failing on one of the edges and it turning into a ruined orgasm and disappointing him by not completing what we set out to do.
Even though he told me that I could never fail or disappoint him as I am giving him my best effort and even though rationally I know that, that doesn't stop those thoughts or that fear.
When he realized how desperate I was a few days ago he reminded me we have always been very clear that any play we do where others can get involved are always subject to rule changes at his discretion and because of this and knowing how bad it was (is) for me, he would allow me an orgasm before I had finished the edges.
I wanted to take that orgasm SO badly. But...I didn't. Oh how I wanted to, the temptation was incredibly strong. But I had already stated I would finish all of those edges before I would orgasm. I'd already told him I would try my best at completing it successfully. I told him if I took that orgasm now, I would feel like I had failed and that although I have told him I often don't think I will make it to the end, it would be nice to prove myself wrong about that. Maybe it would have been a better decision to take the orgasm, reduce my frustration and then finish the remaining edges. I will never know.
What I do know is that this is the furthest I have pushed myself in this manner and I am finding it very difficult right now. I don't know if I will make it. Others have given their vote of confidence and AM has told me the only person who believes I can not do it is myself. I hope they are right. I don't know if they are, but I do hope they are. I want to finish what I set out to do. I know already AM is proud of how far I have come with this and well I have done. But I want to make him even prouder. I want to prove to myself I can do it, too.
We have spoken about the fact that when I finish the last edge that doesn't mean an immediate orgasm. In fact, after the last edge I will be doing two full days of no touching whatsoever, whilst he stimulates me with spanks, bondage, certain names he uses to elicit a response from my body, forced porn watching and the likes making the desperation even worse. (Which I wonder if that is even possible at this point.)
And of course, once those days are finished I will still need to beg him for that orgasm and convincingly enough for him to agree to it. And I already know how much I struggle with begging as well. I know that that will also be something very difficult but it is also something I hope I can achieve successfully. I guess I will find out sooner or later, although who knows which it will be?
The end is in sight...but yet still so far away.
Total Comments 3
Comments
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What you dont realise, my beautiful girl, is that you have already succeeded. Every edge is a success, every day is a win. Every drip, every twitch, every tingle. You have never gone so far before, never pushed so hard. How on earth could that ever be a failure?
I have every confidence in you. I always have and I always will, because, despite your fears, you always succeed, my beautiful girl. No, you don't get every single thing perfect first time, I wouldnt expect you to. But you ALWAYS succeed, I have never met anyone so determined, so hard working, so wonderfully anxious to please.
I love you.Posted 08-28-2016 at 05:12 PM by AbusiveMaster 
Updated 08-28-2016 at 05:15 PM by AbusiveMaster -
This post plus this comment... I am close to tearing up!
You two are awesome!!!!!Posted 09-03-2016 at 05:27 PM by Locked Puppy
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I only try to be what you deserve. You are my everything. I love you more.Quote:Originally Posted by AbusiveMaster
What you dont realise, my beautiful girl, is that you have already succeeded. Every edge is a success, every day is a win. Every drip, every twitch, every tingle. You have never gone so far before, never pushed so hard. How on earth could that ever be a failure?
I have every confidence in you. I always have and I always will, because, despite your fears, you always succeed, my beautiful girl. No, you don't get every single thing perfect first time, I wouldnt expect you to. But you ALWAYS succeed, I have never met anyone so determined, so hard working, so wonderfully anxious to please.
I love you.
Quote:Originally Posted by IllPUTitIN
This post plus this comment... I am close to tearing up!
You two are awesome!!!!!
Thank you 
(he's more awesome!)Posted 09-04-2016 at 02:43 PM by IceMaiden
