A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
Putting myself first
Posted 10-07-2015 at 02:41 PM by Butterfly
*Before I begin, please note: this message was typed on my phone, while laying in my bed, so I hope it doesn't have too many errors*
I have always struggled with putting myself first. Growing up, I always had to make decisions for my little brother. I was put in a caregiver role when I was as young as 10 years old. When I came home from school, I wouldn't do my homework or play with my friends, I played with him, fed him, bathed him and put him to sleep. When I started to make friends, they came first. I always did what they wanted or needed. I have always come last, and I was ok with that.
But over the past year, I have been trying my hardest to make decisions and put myself and my own needs first. One of the biggest decisions I did for me was to move across the country this summer to be with the man I love. Some may argue I did it for him, but I didn't. I did it for me! He makes me so incredibly happy, and I wanted to be with him. So despite having to say goodbye to everybody I love, my whole life as I knew it, I packed up and moved across the country. I am not saying it was easy, it was hard, and I have felt guilt about it, but guess what! The world didn't end. I did something for me, and the world didn't end.
That is a really important lesson for me to learn, and over time I hope it helps the guilt associated with putting myself first, but right now it is still a big part of my life.
And that brings me to today ...
On Friday night I got injured. I know what you are thinking "that's nothing you, Butterfly is super clumsy", and I have to agree. I am. But this time it was bad. I fell and hurt (possibly break) 3 toes, really badly sprained my right arm, and ended up with road rash, bumps, bruises and scrapes all over the rest of my body. The pain has been intense at times.
On Monday morning, I was still in a lot of pain. I couldn't even put my seat belt on to drive to work, Asslvr had to do it for me. But I went. I went and worked through the pain, using my arm as best as possible. I felt obligated. I didn't want to let my boss or my team down. I had just started this job 2 weeks ago, I had to go.
Tuesday morning I woke up and knew right away I had overdone it the previous day. It hurt to even move my fingers. I couldn't even imagine driving in to work and spending 8 hours in this much pain. So I messaged my boss and explained that I couldn't go in.
This morning I knew I was feeling a bit better from the day before, however I was worried that if I went to work, I would be set back again. I didn't want to undo the progress that was made by resting on Tuesday. The problem is that I also had already booked off Thursday and Friday to spend time with my mom when she visits. I sat on the bed and agonized over the decision this morning.
I chose to stay home and try to rest, get better so that my overall recovery came quicker and I didn't risk overdoing it and further injuring myself ... but I think I made the wrong decision. I wish I could go back in time and change it.
I let my team down, my boss down ... I feel like I disappointed Asslvr. I worked really hard to get this job for us, and what if I ruined it .... I feel so guilty. I shouldn't have put myself first.
Total Comments 5
Comments
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You didn't ruin anything, and I'm sure asslvr isn't disappointed at all.
You shouldn't be feeling guilty, and you should have put yourself first- I think you did the right thing. If you hadn't, and you set yourself even further back, you'd only end up needing even more time to rest than you do now.
And if you're injured, you *need* to put yourself first. You can't look after others if you don't look after yourself first.
Feel better soon!Posted 10-07-2015 at 02:51 PM by IceMaiden 
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First of all, I applaud you for putting yourself first with the move, that is fantastic and I (all of your friends, you know that) am so happy for you. Second, I agree with IceMaiden, you didn't injure yourself on purpose, you aren't using it as an excuse to get out of work, you are genuinely hurt, you genuinely need to heal, and overall this is best. You can't do everything, and you shouldn't have to. I would suggest that when you have the chance, to talk to your boss and say you do regret that you had to take that time off, not that you shouldn't have but just that you understand it didn't make things easy for others, and that you appreciate your boss's understanding in this highly unusual situation. That can go a long way. If it's feasible, I don't want to put pressure on you at all, perhaps inquiring as to whether you could make up the time if it's affected a project (I have no idea how your work goes, this may be totally irrelevant) or something like that would be good too. But you really are not abusing anything, you did your best to work through the injury and it went badly, so you made a better decision, and it's just the way the cookie crumbles. I will end this really rambly reply (so sorry, need sleep) by saying I think this happens a lot to submissives, this kind of thinking, because we so very much want to please those in authority over us (not that we engage in D/s with everyone, just that there is a certain mindset) and do our absolute best regardless of circumstances with the tasks we are given because! we really do take pride in serving well, in fulfilling our commitments well, and we are very, very good at putting others before ourselves. It's mind-bending to flip that around, but it is necessary and good to take care of yourself. You have value too, and not just because of what you do for others, for who you are.Posted 10-07-2015 at 09:03 PM by naughtylittlegirl
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Dear butterfly, please don't feel like you let others down because you took care of yourself and allowed your body to recover.
I agree with IceMaiden and naughtylittlegirl too.
After such injuries it is sometime even better to allow yourself to recover instead of trying every day that you feel a bit better to strain your body again.
It may happen in that case that every day you try, you get a little set back and the healing process overall takes even longer then it would be in the case where you allow yourself the extra days to recover.
All said I have to add:
Posted 10-08-2015 at 10:26 PM by Nilesmare
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When you're too sick or hurting too much to work, I think it's a good idea to get better first. If you push yourself too hard, you might end up staying home in the near furture again and again. If you get well in one go, you won't have that problem!
It does such that it happened so soon after you started. I've been there too, and it made me feel very guilty too... but I genuinely couldn't work! I don't think anyone blamed me.
You know what you should do? Bake cookies over the weekend, and bring them with you to work! It'll show that you care! And you can always offer to catch up on lost time some day, or to stay late, if you are really bothered by feeling like you let the team down.
I do know one thing. You're not letting Asslvr down! He loves you!Posted 10-09-2015 at 01:34 PM by drwarschauu
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Thank you everybody for the kind words and encouragement. I know what I did was the right thing for my body. Even small things at home have had a big impact on my recovery so I can't imagine having gone to work this week. It's just hard to know I'm letting others down.Posted 10-10-2015 at 10:30 PM by Butterfly
