I'm not REALLY a submissive
Background story: When I was a pretty much just starting on this site, I received a perfectly nice message from a dom on this site asking if I would be interested in being his slave. I responded with:
A fairly standard response for me, at the time. I received a response that he would be interested in casual play and we decided to get to know each other over Kik. And there ensued the most confusing 3 days of miscommunication I've ever been through. At the end of these 3 days, I woke up to get ready for work (on a Monday) and already not in the best of the moods, to Kik messages from this individual stating that I'm not really a submissive and I shouldn't advertise as something that I'm not. That I refused to do as he asked the entire time we had been talking.* I wrote most of the following that week and have kept adding all the little triggers and "Fuck Off" buttons that I find within myself as I come across them. This is a note that I keep for my own personal reference and to share with those I play with. A friend said that reading this helped her come to terms with a few things and requested I publish it. So, here goes...
~"You're not really a submissive, you shouldn't advertise as something you're not"
Just in case you've somehow spent all this time talking to me and haven't figured it out, I don't jump into relationships. ANY relationships. If we haven't had an extensive conversation about what we expect from each other, don't expect me to be your slave, pet, submissive, toy, occasional playmate, or floormat.
I'm assertive. I'm not a pushover. And if there is something I'm not willing to do, I'll tell you. If I think something is dumb, I'll tell you. If you make me mad, I'll tell you. That doesn't mean I'm not submissive.
~"You will call me Sir"
Sir is already taken.
And if I'm going to call someone Master, I better be able to wear a cute harem costume and blink my eyes to make anything happen. (That's mostly a joke.)
And anyway... Is it just me or is it a little ridiculous and to have a sub use a title for you? Calling someone "Master" just feels so... contrived, I guess. On a perfectly serious note, I'm not entirely sure I want to submit to someone who NEEDS a title to feel Domly. If you don't feel strong enough to dominate me just because I use your name, well, you probably can't handle me, to phrase it nicely.
That's not to say I wouldn't eventually use a title, but in my mind it might be more of a nickname.
~I deserve them [pictures]
Ok, stop right there. Deserve? Really? Do I even need to go into the issues surrounding the use of this word to coax things out of someone. I don't believe that anyone "earns" the right to such things simply by the dubious virtue of being my friend, playmate, helping me pick out toys, occasional chatting buddy, or anything else that can be dreamed up to automatically bestow the right to demand pictures from me.
I know that a lot of people want picture proof of tasks. No. Not doing it. Beyond an initial picture to prove that I really am a girl (upon request and when I feel it's warranted), I don't feel obliged to send any pictures to anyone ever. And I don't like the idea of sending proof anyway. If you don't trust the partner you're playing with, why are you playing with them?
I won't send them to "earn" an orgasm or softer treatment or anything else. By the same token, I also won't hold them up in front of a playmate as a carrot. "If you're Extra Super Awesome Dom today, I'll send you lots of pictures."
That being said, I won't be offended by requests for pics of me. I just probably won't say yes. Any pictures I share, are shared because I like, trust, and respect the individual and I felt the need to share something special with them.
*Note: All of the above also applies to video, audio recordings, and anything else that could be asked for.
~Yes vs. Ok vs. Sure w/ an occasional Wait One or Hold On
So, when I respond to an order with "OK" or "Sure," why is that sometimes read as disrespectful? I don't MEAN it disrespectfully. Well, usually I don't :-P I naturally use "OK" as a response to things that I have no (significant) problem with. I use "Sure" when I'm uncertain about it, but willing to try. Or when I'm feeling upset about something and don't want to mention it. I don't often use "yes" except in response to a yes or no question. Because if you really want me to respond to every "COMMAND" you issue with a "Yes, O Domly Dom" you're probably going to be disappointed. I might occasionally use it, either tongue-in-cheek or if I'm feeling particularly meek.
~Because I said so... I didn't ask you
For some reason, when I'm told to do something and I feel like my feelings on the task haven't been adequately explored, my defiant side comes out. Even if it's a task that I have no conflicts with completing. The fact that I'm not asked my thoughts on the task makes me feel like they're not REALLY dominating me. They're just telling me to do things. I know, they sound the same, right? But, if I want to be told to do something, I can go to work. I'd rather have someone who can get inside my head and wants to find out why I sleep nude when I'm feeling lazy and wear lingerie to bed when I'm feeling sexy. If I'm expected to do something, I like to know what your motivation behind having me do it is. I know, a true submissive just does what they're told, blah, blah, blah. But sometimes it changes my mindset if I understand what the intent is when I do a task. Otherwise, it's really just someone proving that they can make someone else do anything they want. That's not a relationship, in my opinion.
Which brings me to... first and foremost, anyone I play with, I have to already be friends with. I want an actual relationship. I need the connection of joking around, and chatting about how our days went, and what happened to put either of us in bad/good moods. I'm not saying I'm looking for my Happily-Ever-After, but I refuse to open myself up (which is really what submitting is) to someone who won't open up to me.
~I'm really stubborn
My thoughts on the word No: here and here.
So if my no is ignored and someone keeps trying to push me, not only am I not going to give in. Now I'm going to feel like they're trying to take advantage. So I'm going to start saying no to lots of other things. Things that I might actually be ok with, but that I maybe see leading to a situation where I'll again be pushed to do something I'm not comfortable with.
Also, my stubbornness is partially just that I'm a brat and I think it's funny to exasperate people. But it's also partially (read largely) a defense mechanism. Growing up, I had to learn how to deal with someone who was extremely manipulative. And persuasive. I learned that I had to stand my ground no matter what. Even when I wasn't sure why I was sticking to that decision anymore. It was the decision that I had made without outside influence, so it was MINE. I wasn't going to let someone else talk me out of it. So now, anytime I feel the slightest bit of pressure to do something that's not what I want to do, I immediately dig in my heels and refuse to comply. At all.
~"Sounds like topping from the bottom"
I've been told that I'm topping from the bottom on numerous occasions. But there's one in particular that I recall. We're not actually playmates. We were just chatting about a theoretical playtime. Where I wasn't going to get cuddles because I didn't succeed in my task. My "I want cuddles" got me a "sounds like topping from the bottom to me." I didn't provide an in-depth response because I don't actually play with this person and see no real reason to explain. But in my head:
"I just wanted cuddles. I'm a touch person. Cuddles=affection. If I can lose your affection that easily by failing a task, then I don't want to rely on you to
provide it. Now I never want cuddles from you again. What if you take them away?"
Easy as that, I can talk myself into withdrawing and shutting someone out. Which hardly makes for a healthy relationship.
I'm not saying that every time I seem to be topping from the bottom it's because I want cuddles. But it probably is because there are a million other things I'm tiptoeing around because I'm kind of a wimp or I don't know how to say. So instead of telling me I'm topping from the bottom, maybe ask what prompted my "topping action."
I've also got this whole want vs. need hangup that's partly semantics and partly just because I have issues. Just, you know, in case you don't follow my blog on a regular?
What are some of your "Fuck Off" buttons?
*To be clear, I don't blame him for anything. We obviously simply didn't suit each other and neither one of us communicated properly.
Quote:
I'm flattered. Do you mind if I ask what sparked your interest in me?
Lol, and I'm afraid I'm not interested in being a "slave" currently. I think, technically, I would be classified as a "bottom" right now.
I already have a few playmates, but I'm always interested in making more friends.
Lol, and I'm afraid I'm not interested in being a "slave" currently. I think, technically, I would be classified as a "bottom" right now.
I already have a few playmates, but I'm always interested in making more friends.
~"You're not really a submissive, you shouldn't advertise as something you're not"
Just in case you've somehow spent all this time talking to me and haven't figured it out, I don't jump into relationships. ANY relationships. If we haven't had an extensive conversation about what we expect from each other, don't expect me to be your slave, pet, submissive, toy, occasional playmate, or floormat.
I'm assertive. I'm not a pushover. And if there is something I'm not willing to do, I'll tell you. If I think something is dumb, I'll tell you. If you make me mad, I'll tell you. That doesn't mean I'm not submissive.
~"You will call me Sir"
Sir is already taken.
And if I'm going to call someone Master, I better be able to wear a cute harem costume and blink my eyes to make anything happen. (That's mostly a joke.)
And anyway... Is it just me or is it a little ridiculous and to have a sub use a title for you? Calling someone "Master" just feels so... contrived, I guess. On a perfectly serious note, I'm not entirely sure I want to submit to someone who NEEDS a title to feel Domly. If you don't feel strong enough to dominate me just because I use your name, well, you probably can't handle me, to phrase it nicely.
That's not to say I wouldn't eventually use a title, but in my mind it might be more of a nickname.
~I deserve them [pictures]
Ok, stop right there. Deserve? Really? Do I even need to go into the issues surrounding the use of this word to coax things out of someone. I don't believe that anyone "earns" the right to such things simply by the dubious virtue of being my friend, playmate, helping me pick out toys, occasional chatting buddy, or anything else that can be dreamed up to automatically bestow the right to demand pictures from me.
I know that a lot of people want picture proof of tasks. No. Not doing it. Beyond an initial picture to prove that I really am a girl (upon request and when I feel it's warranted), I don't feel obliged to send any pictures to anyone ever. And I don't like the idea of sending proof anyway. If you don't trust the partner you're playing with, why are you playing with them?
I won't send them to "earn" an orgasm or softer treatment or anything else. By the same token, I also won't hold them up in front of a playmate as a carrot. "If you're Extra Super Awesome Dom today, I'll send you lots of pictures."
That being said, I won't be offended by requests for pics of me. I just probably won't say yes. Any pictures I share, are shared because I like, trust, and respect the individual and I felt the need to share something special with them.
*Note: All of the above also applies to video, audio recordings, and anything else that could be asked for.
~Yes vs. Ok vs. Sure w/ an occasional Wait One or Hold On
So, when I respond to an order with "OK" or "Sure," why is that sometimes read as disrespectful? I don't MEAN it disrespectfully. Well, usually I don't :-P I naturally use "OK" as a response to things that I have no (significant) problem with. I use "Sure" when I'm uncertain about it, but willing to try. Or when I'm feeling upset about something and don't want to mention it. I don't often use "yes" except in response to a yes or no question. Because if you really want me to respond to every "COMMAND" you issue with a "Yes, O Domly Dom" you're probably going to be disappointed. I might occasionally use it, either tongue-in-cheek or if I'm feeling particularly meek.
~Because I said so... I didn't ask you
For some reason, when I'm told to do something and I feel like my feelings on the task haven't been adequately explored, my defiant side comes out. Even if it's a task that I have no conflicts with completing. The fact that I'm not asked my thoughts on the task makes me feel like they're not REALLY dominating me. They're just telling me to do things. I know, they sound the same, right? But, if I want to be told to do something, I can go to work. I'd rather have someone who can get inside my head and wants to find out why I sleep nude when I'm feeling lazy and wear lingerie to bed when I'm feeling sexy. If I'm expected to do something, I like to know what your motivation behind having me do it is. I know, a true submissive just does what they're told, blah, blah, blah. But sometimes it changes my mindset if I understand what the intent is when I do a task. Otherwise, it's really just someone proving that they can make someone else do anything they want. That's not a relationship, in my opinion.
Which brings me to... first and foremost, anyone I play with, I have to already be friends with. I want an actual relationship. I need the connection of joking around, and chatting about how our days went, and what happened to put either of us in bad/good moods. I'm not saying I'm looking for my Happily-Ever-After, but I refuse to open myself up (which is really what submitting is) to someone who won't open up to me.
~I'm really stubborn
My thoughts on the word No: here and here.
So if my no is ignored and someone keeps trying to push me, not only am I not going to give in. Now I'm going to feel like they're trying to take advantage. So I'm going to start saying no to lots of other things. Things that I might actually be ok with, but that I maybe see leading to a situation where I'll again be pushed to do something I'm not comfortable with.
Also, my stubbornness is partially just that I'm a brat and I think it's funny to exasperate people. But it's also partially (read largely) a defense mechanism. Growing up, I had to learn how to deal with someone who was extremely manipulative. And persuasive. I learned that I had to stand my ground no matter what. Even when I wasn't sure why I was sticking to that decision anymore. It was the decision that I had made without outside influence, so it was MINE. I wasn't going to let someone else talk me out of it. So now, anytime I feel the slightest bit of pressure to do something that's not what I want to do, I immediately dig in my heels and refuse to comply. At all.
~"Sounds like topping from the bottom"
I've been told that I'm topping from the bottom on numerous occasions. But there's one in particular that I recall. We're not actually playmates. We were just chatting about a theoretical playtime. Where I wasn't going to get cuddles because I didn't succeed in my task. My "I want cuddles" got me a "sounds like topping from the bottom to me." I didn't provide an in-depth response because I don't actually play with this person and see no real reason to explain. But in my head:
"I just wanted cuddles. I'm a touch person. Cuddles=affection. If I can lose your affection that easily by failing a task, then I don't want to rely on you to
provide it. Now I never want cuddles from you again. What if you take them away?"
Easy as that, I can talk myself into withdrawing and shutting someone out. Which hardly makes for a healthy relationship.
I'm not saying that every time I seem to be topping from the bottom it's because I want cuddles. But it probably is because there are a million other things I'm tiptoeing around because I'm kind of a wimp or I don't know how to say. So instead of telling me I'm topping from the bottom, maybe ask what prompted my "topping action."
I've also got this whole want vs. need hangup that's partly semantics and partly just because I have issues. Just, you know, in case you don't follow my blog on a regular?
What are some of your "Fuck Off" buttons?
*To be clear, I don't blame him for anything. We obviously simply didn't suit each other and neither one of us communicated properly.
Total Comments 7
Comments
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Semantics can drive me crazy, but I recognize that certain words are 'extra' important to some people. I guess I've learned to accept that. I don't have much of anything more to add, but I just wanted to say that you could always cuddle with me!Posted 12-19-2014 at 04:15 AM by Alexis Rune 
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It seems I always have something to say to your blogs. I do hope There not always stupid :P.
You're not really a submissive I think my answer to this would be "You're not experienced enough to know what you are talking about" submissives are humans and not robots and complaining and saying no is feedback. I would say that any experienced dominant would understand that people are different and what they want is different.
You will call me Sir I like to be made to use a name for my domme and when I domme then my submissive likes are pretty much what I want. I would love to be able to explain it to you but like most other things I have no clue why. Perhaps this just shows my own inexperience. That said I do use names when playing but it is very very rare that I do just play with some one and like you they have to be friends. I find when I play with people they don't know me very well and what makes me tick and so the tasks are usually a little disappointing.
Pictures I really really wish this wasn't necessary. I tend to talk to potential dommes a whole bunch but when the majority of interested parties are actually guys pretending to be girls. I do trust them but I also find wasting weeks of my time only to find out they are guys and my trust was misplaced is rather devastating. Usually I go for a couple of seconds audio chat though. Its very hard to put on a female voice, trust me, I know. I do however hate the fact that I have to ask and feel like I am really putting the person out by doing this. That said I probably wouldn't ask any of my friends for any evidence as I already know them. However most of my friends already have a D/s relationship and I am kinda a niche and I always feel too uncomfortable/spammy suggesting playing with a friend.
As for asking for pictures I even after getting into a trusting D/s relation in which we use cam I still feel creepy asking her for pictures of any kind. I like it when a submissive offers pic/cam and I never expect it. I still get a huge grin on my face when Truthpick turns her cam on for me.
cuddles are mandatory I know my previous bold comment have been tittles but cuddles are very important. Perhaps I am overly sensitive as I half the time I want to cuddle Truthpick in the middle of a task when she looks like she is struggling, but, depending on the way in which failure has occurred, there can be strong feelings of sadness for failing. I guess I go for task, cuddles, possible punishment, more cuddles.
Also I second Alexis's comments.
After writing this I realised just how much I have changed since I started things with Truthpick and I am sure in the future I will change and some of the above will no longer be relevant.
Now why cant you quote blogs like you do forum posts or comments.Posted 12-19-2014 at 05:46 AM by Ly Ph
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What a good post, oh the trials and tribulations of being a lady on GD thank god I don't have to worry about that, I think I would block about 90% of men on GD and maybe myself a few times.
As you mention there are a lot of manipulative people out there and also a lot of jumped up pricks that call themselves a Dom. As I have said many times before Submission is not taken it is given, when will these boys learn.
Thank you for your post it reminds us boys what it must be like to get so many idiots PMing you, I am amazed that the Ladies stay on GD.
Regards "Domly Dom"Posted 12-19-2014 at 06:49 AM by MrCharcol
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I liked almost every word of this. I especially liked the part where you say you dislike titles like sir or master. I completely agree with this. I've even sent responses to people asking me why I dislike it which were almost word for word what you said in this blog: 'I don't need a title to feel dominant'.
Saying someone's name is much more connecting to the person you're with. Sir could mean anybody. Jon, for example, could only mean me (at that time).Posted 12-19-2014 at 07:51 AM by An_Jon
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I love your post kitten lyss! One thing caught my curiosity, I didnt want to know or care before you said it because it was your business... I must know the answer to this line!!
I sleep nude when I'm feeling lazy and wear lingerie to bed when I'm feeling sexy
It will be driving me nuts all day, and maybe that was your plan! Here we were looking inside your mind and now your looking inside ours what a fun twist of advents.
I completely agree with everything you said especially pictures. I told Brooke from the first day we talked I would only ever request 1 picture as proof she was a girl. Since then its all been up to her if she feels like sharing she can if she doesn't there's no pressure because I never ever ask. (okay asked 1 other time but long story and definitely worth seeing and told her she didn't have to unless she truly wanted)Posted 12-19-2014 at 11:32 AM by Shadowice
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Where to start...I love this post so much I want to hold it and squeeze it and call it George.
First, I think that the only time it is remotely acceptable to tell someone that they aren't really submissive is if they genuinely do not enjoy submission in general and in fact enjoy domination. Simply because they don't fit one particular niche of submission does not mean they aren't submissive. And I have had experiences similar to yours where people (I refuse to call them doms) were shocked when I wouldn't just whip off my clothes and fall on my knees during the first five minutes of messaging. Guess what? I'm still submissive. I just prefer to choose who gets my submission. That would be 'fuck off' button number one with me, I think.
I admire your communication skills. I still think that from time to time I stuff too much down, or I'm so preoccupied with being "nice" and not offending anyone that I sugar coat things to the point that it's really unclear that I think something is dumb, not worth my time, etc. and it doesn't go so well.
As for titles, I hear you. I think that titles should not be throwaways, should not be demanded, but should be given out of respect (which also means there is a proper context for them). When Wardell and I started out, I called him Sir, and I liked that. It was part of my submission in a very good way, but he didn't impose that on me, I asked what I ought to call him. Then a little bit later we tried out "Daddy," and discovered that fit even better, and he's been my Daddy ever since. But that works for us, it has genuine meaning for us, and if it isn't your cup of tea, then why mess with it? I feel extremely uncomfortable calling someone "master" for a number of reasons I won't get into. If someone I'm just chatting with demands I address them as such and such, I'm likely to roll my eyes, snort in a ladylike manner, and then respond with, 'Okay, "Sir whatever," I'm Galactic President McAwesomePants, nice to meet you.' Same goes when people address me as "sub" or "slave". My name is Tink, and until informed otherwise, that's what you get to call me.
As for this sense of entitlement regarding pictures or anything of the like, I'm going to start asking for an explanation, a detailed justification as to why they in fact deserve intimate access to my person. Somehow, logging onto the internet and calling yourself a dom, then spamming my inbox without even attempting decent grammar feels, I don't know...pathetically lacking. And if we are already friends and they demand, guess who's getting the boot? I could not agree more about your comment on trusting your partner - besides the fact that pictures can so easily be faked that I personally don't feel that's the best choice if one is really that concerned.
As to responses about commands, I have learned Wardell doesn't appreciate it when I become monosyllabic
And I can easily respect and accommodate that, so it's not an issue. If someone ticks me off in chat, I can shut down pretty quick, and will resort to short and sweet responses because I've suddenly realized the host of better things I have to do. But again, for me calling Wardell "Daddy" particularly when I respond to a command/request heightens the experience of my submission, so it's win/win. What I dislike is when I am required to change my natural method of communication not because I am being disrespectful and need a tune-up but because the domly dom can only function when an extremely formulaic system occurs.
This week's pet peeve is people not reading my likes/limits and just throwing tasks at me hoping to get lucky. I'm sorry, but if you expect me to do your task, handling prep, safety, completing the task well with attention to detail, clean up, and write you a kick-ass report, then I think the least you can do is read through my info.
And I learned pretty quick that more than anything I want to play with someone who will get in my head, figure me out, and use my imagination, etc., to his advantage. Anything else feels deeply unsatisfying. Whether or not that makes me a true submissive or not, I don't care; I know the lack of care and attention regarding certainly doesn't make them a true dom (oh no she didn't! oh yes, yes, she did).
I don't know if I'm exactly stubborn...that might be a question for Wardell I do know I can accomplish a lot out of spite. If someone pushes me to do something, even if I may have considered doing it out of the goodness of my heart, now I'm not going to do it because you've crossed a line. That's a very big 'fuck off' button with me, also because I have learned if I don't defend myself then people will suddenly have power over me they don't deserve and will not use well (and I learned that most clearly after I read your thoughts on this the first time, so thank you).
The rest I agree with, all the way, and I suddenly realized how long this comment is so I should stop nowPosted 12-19-2014 at 12:45 PM by naughtylittlegirl
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@everyone: Thank you so much for all of the awesome comments and all of the people who stopped to tell me they enjoyed reading it. Although this is a list of some of my buttons, I absolutely love hearing other points of view, whether they're similar to mine or not. There's no way I'll be able to respond to all of the comments with as well thought-out and complete responses as they deserve. But I'll give it a shot.
@Alexis Rune: I can drive myself crazy over semantics.
And I will totally cuddle with you!
@Ly Ph: What you say is never stupid! I love everything you've written.
I don't know that not knowing why you prefer certain things equals inexperience. You're not required to explain why you enjoy the things you do. The only reason I can tell you why I dislike the things I've listed here is because I've had to examine them for a while. And there's still thorny problems I could pull out that I just haven't gotten around to yet.
And cuddles are awesome! I have told Almost that cuddles are pretty much mandatory. I love making rules. I always get special looks from him when I do that.
@MrCharcoal: Lol, thank you for commiserating. I mostly don't mind. But then I consider trolls an open invitation to fuck with people.
@An Jon: I have specific reasons for not liking the title Sir. And we just haven't found anything else that fits. But mostly I just don't feel the need to use a title. He's not any less my dom because I use his name. Ok, I use dozens of names for him and he approves of none of them, but that's venturing into the brat argument. Anyhow, glad to find someone else with the same feelings on titles.
@Shadow: Bahahaha! I love that you're the only one in the entire time I've had this note, out of the dozen or so people who have seen it, who has picked up on that. Trust you to go right to the nudity.
@Tink: I think your communication skills are fantastic! You're just maybe not as used to being mean and underhanded as I am.
And other than that, the only thing I can say is that I really love how similar we are sometimes.
Posted 12-20-2014 at 12:25 AM by kittenlyss
