A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
Such a tease ...
Last summer I was attacked. It is a long story, and I am not going to go into the details, but the condensed version is as follows:
A guy decided that he wanted more from me than friendship despite me deflecting anything more than friendship. Since I wasn't going to give him what he wanted, he decided to try and take it. I was able to think quickly and hurt him before he could hurt me. I was a bit bruised, but mostly I was physically ok. However, on the way home, he continued to call and message me. His messages all had a theme: anger and accusation. Amongst other things, he called me a tease. He insinuated that I let him on, and therefore I was just asking him to take what I wouldn't let him have.
Since that experience, I have really struggled with teasing people.
On one hand, I really do enjoy it. I like being able to give somebody a tiny little taste of something they aren't allowed to have. But I also feel guilt. I feel like by teasing somebody, I am being mean and setting myself up to be hurt.
I know it isn't the right way of thinking, and over the past few months, with a lot of your help, I have started to be able to enjoy teasing a bit more, and really exploring that side of me, but sometimes small things sneak up on me.
For example, this past week, I was enjoying being able to tease Asslvr, knowing that he wasn't allowed to touch and that I wasn't going to let him cum anytime soon, but then he sent me a text that said "you are such a tease". And it just hit me like a ton of bricks, that feeling of guilt, and shame and fear. It didn't last long because I quickly sought out reassurance from Asslvr, and he made me feel better. But it still makes it hard sometimes.
This past week I also took control of another getDare friend for 36 hours. The whole point of controlling him was to tease him the entire time.
The combination of seeing how much he enjoyed it, as well as how much fun Asslvr had while I controlled him last week, really did help me feel a lot better about being called a tease. I just hope that over time it gets even easier.
A guy decided that he wanted more from me than friendship despite me deflecting anything more than friendship. Since I wasn't going to give him what he wanted, he decided to try and take it. I was able to think quickly and hurt him before he could hurt me. I was a bit bruised, but mostly I was physically ok. However, on the way home, he continued to call and message me. His messages all had a theme: anger and accusation. Amongst other things, he called me a tease. He insinuated that I let him on, and therefore I was just asking him to take what I wouldn't let him have.
Since that experience, I have really struggled with teasing people.
On one hand, I really do enjoy it. I like being able to give somebody a tiny little taste of something they aren't allowed to have. But I also feel guilt. I feel like by teasing somebody, I am being mean and setting myself up to be hurt.
I know it isn't the right way of thinking, and over the past few months, with a lot of your help, I have started to be able to enjoy teasing a bit more, and really exploring that side of me, but sometimes small things sneak up on me.
For example, this past week, I was enjoying being able to tease Asslvr, knowing that he wasn't allowed to touch and that I wasn't going to let him cum anytime soon, but then he sent me a text that said "you are such a tease". And it just hit me like a ton of bricks, that feeling of guilt, and shame and fear. It didn't last long because I quickly sought out reassurance from Asslvr, and he made me feel better. But it still makes it hard sometimes.
This past week I also took control of another getDare friend for 36 hours. The whole point of controlling him was to tease him the entire time.
The combination of seeing how much he enjoyed it, as well as how much fun Asslvr had while I controlled him last week, really did help me feel a lot better about being called a tease. I just hope that over time it gets even easier.
Total Comments 6
Comments
-
It's good to see you are feeling better about teasing others.
When others makes you feel bad for acting in a certain way it gets you deep I know it myself from earlier years. I want to say that you are strong and i hope you get back to how you want yourself to be not feel stuck with how someone who actin such a way or anyone at all really.
Be strong, be happy and be yourself you awesome butterfly
Best of luck to you and AsslvrPosted 11-13-2014 at 01:17 AM by Nawee 
-
i'm glad that you took a negative experience and molded it into a positive one, and enjoyed your way there! it's crazy how these tiny little words hold so much power. i'm the same way with a few different words myself. they make me completely shut down and i just can't get the negative experiences i've had with them out of my head, even when i know it wasn't used in the same context. i completely understand where you're coming from, but thankfully your dom helps you work through everything and that you don't hold it all inside
Posted 11-13-2014 at 08:09 AM by lola.fox
-
I am so glad you are reclaiming that part of you, and enjoying it!
Guys like that pos who did that to you will always have some excuse for their action, and I really hate that not just you, but all of us, let that get to us and change us.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! It is really encouraging.Posted 11-13-2014 at 08:39 PM by justJane
-
You may feel those jolts from time to time, especially as you actively challenge them. Keep on going as you are and let that side of you grow stronger in a loving environment.
People who attack others perform all kinds of mental acrobatics to justify their actions, so that it's never them at fault. It creates situations where people who've been hurt are drawn into their totally irrational processes, that are hard to shake off, even if you know they are not true.
Thank you for posting this, and hopefully things will get easier with the more positive experiences you have.Posted 11-14-2014 at 03:56 AM by StrawDog
-
I know I'm late in commenting, but I just wanted to say first I'm sorry horrible people exist, second I appreciate you sharing and am very, very glad you got out of there, and third that you absolutely have nothing to feel bad about and I'm glad you have the opportunity to replace the negative implications (because they can stick like superglue) with good ones. Kudos for working through it, that is one of the hardest things in the world *hug*Posted 11-20-2014 at 06:52 PM by naughtylittlegirl
-
@Nawee - Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. It really is hard to get over a label that somebody has given you, but I am working really hard to do it.
@Lola - I have the same reaction with a few words, but yes, it really does help to have somebody as amazing as Asslvr who understands what I am dealing with and can help me through it.
@Justjane - I am finding it easier and easier to share parts of myself with other, especially if it helps somebody else. I am tired of letting others change me into somebody I don't want to be and I am ready to start reclaiming myself.
@Strawdog - Thank you so much, and with Asslvr with me, I feel like I finally have that loving environment I needed in order to be strong again.
@NLG - *hugs* Thank you so much. It is hard, but I am strong and I am ready to fight back. (cue karate chop)Posted 11-24-2014 at 09:58 PM by Butterfly
