John's Weekend

hormoneguy · 11-15-2008, 12:59 PM

Before I start this is my first story so it may not be the greatest. please pm me with ideas and comment on the story. if i get no comments i will not continue

Part 1: John is like any other 14 year old boy. his hormones are going crazy. John has always had a dream of playing truth or dare and now was his chance. He got invited to his friend Mike's house for Mike's birthday sleepover. When everyone got there Mike's Parents had to leave on a family emergency so it was just John, Mike, and their two other friends named Matt and Rob for the next two days. They started playing video games then they got bored and Rob said "Anyone up for truth or dare". everyone agreed to the terms and they began. they all agreed that anyone who chickened out of a dare would be their slave for the next two days. Matt Rob and Mike went through the round and they all chose truth. When it came to John he said dare. Rob Said i dare you to...
i will post more if people comment. i will try to get part two up in the next two or three days. i might get it up tonight

HondaJunkie93 · 11-15-2008, 01:10 PM

Just a hint, dont say "post more comments and i'll wirte more" Write more because You want to. I seem to notice that the good stories are written by authors who dont care if anyone reads it, they write for the fun of it.

hormoneguy · 11-15-2008, 01:11 PM

ok thanks for the advice

rpUral · 11-15-2008, 04:26 PM

Another idea to improve your writing: Break up things in paragraphs. It's very difficult to read a huge block of text; A paragraph contains a common thread of thought. When the thread ends, you should start a new paragraph. Example:

Part 1:

John is like any other 14 year old boy. his hormones are going crazy.

John has always had a dream of playing truth or dare and now was his chance. He got invited to his friend Mike's house for Mike's birthday sleepover. When everyone got there Mike's Parents had to leave on a family emergency so it was just John, Mike, and their two other friends named Matt and Rob for the next two days.

They started playing video games then they got bored and Rob said "Anyone up for truth or dare?" Everyone agreed to the terms and they began. They all agreed that anyone who chickened out of a dare would be their slave for the next two days.

Matt Rob and Mike went through the round and they all chose truth. When it came to John he said dare. Rob Said i dare you to...

hormoneguy · 11-16-2008, 10:00 AM

Will fix it later

x.Emma.x · 11-16-2008, 02:11 PM

I'll comment if you want. But my comment shall be one of vilification rather that positivity.

This HAD potential. It's now become a very poorly written story. A 14 year old who's never played T or D in his life...you've completely jumped into this. Naked straight away?

This is where you should take advice from Davros. I remember one of his recent stories where he correctly wrote something along the lines of, "Just going into Slave/Master and saying 'Strip and Perform', would have been awful". And I entirely agreed with him.

Your best bet right now is to completely delete part 2 and try it again. If you don't I probably won't continue reading this. It's unbelieveably blunt and rushed.

Coyote · 11-16-2008, 02:26 PM

ya i kind of agree with that...... it seemed rushed and you are trying to fit too much into one short (very short) passages

hormoneguy · 11-16-2008, 02:34 PM

everyone please keep reading i will edit part two later and take it a little slower. the story gets a lot better trust me

11-15-2008, 12:59 PM	#1
hormoneguy Account Banned Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: somewhere Posts: 30	John's Weekend Before I start this is my first story so it may not be the greatest. please pm me with ideas and comment on the story. if i get no comments i will not continue Part 1: John is like any other 14 year old boy. his hormones are going crazy. John has always had a dream of playing truth or dare and now was his chance. He got invited to his friend Mike's house for Mike's birthday sleepover. When everyone got there Mike's Parents had to leave on a family emergency so it was just John, Mike, and their two other friends named Matt and Rob for the next two days. They started playing video games then they got bored and Rob said "Anyone up for truth or dare". everyone agreed to the terms and they began. they all agreed that anyone who chickened out of a dare would be their slave for the next two days. Matt Rob and Mike went through the round and they all chose truth. When it came to John he said dare. Rob Said i dare you to... i will post more if people comment. i will try to get part two up in the next two or three days. i might get it up tonight

11-15-2008, 01:10 PM	#2
HondaJunkie93 Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Ohio Posts: 218	Just a hint, dont say "post more comments and i'll wirte more" Write more because You want to. I seem to notice that the good stories are written by authors who dont care if anyone reads it, they write for the fun of it. __________________ "Rodger that Houston, and the monkey flips a switch." Major West-Lost in Space "There's debris...... IT'S A COW!" Reed Timmer, Storm Chasers "The night is darkest just before the dawn." Batman

11-15-2008, 01:11 PM	#3
hormoneguy Account Banned Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: somewhere Posts: 30	thanks ok thanks for the advice

11-15-2008, 04:26 PM	#4
rpUral Account Banned Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Minnesota, USA Posts: 255	Another idea to improve your writing: Break up things in paragraphs. It's very difficult to read a huge block of text; A paragraph contains a common thread of thought. When the thread ends, you should start a new paragraph. Example: Part 1: John is like any other 14 year old boy. his hormones are going crazy. John has always had a dream of playing truth or dare and now was his chance. He got invited to his friend Mike's house for Mike's birthday sleepover. When everyone got there Mike's Parents had to leave on a family emergency so it was just John, Mike, and their two other friends named Matt and Rob for the next two days. They started playing video games then they got bored and Rob said "Anyone up for truth or dare?" Everyone agreed to the terms and they began. They all agreed that anyone who chickened out of a dare would be their slave for the next two days. Matt Rob and Mike went through the round and they all chose truth. When it came to John he said dare. Rob Said i dare you to... __________________ [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] Looking for something to read? Try these: "Rising Sun" - "The Dinner Party" - "A Day on the Beach" - "The Trap"

11-16-2008, 10:00 AM	#5
hormoneguy Account Banned Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: somewhere Posts: 30	Part 2 Will fix it later Last edited by hormoneguy; 11-16-2008 at 02:36 PM. Reason: i have to fix it

11-16-2008, 02:11 PM	#6
x.Emma.x Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: UK Posts: 223	I'll comment if you want. But my comment shall be one of vilification rather that positivity. This HAD potential. It's now become a very poorly written story. A 14 year old who's never played T or D in his life...you've completely jumped into this. Naked straight away? This is where you should take advice from Davros. I remember one of his recent stories where he correctly wrote something along the lines of, "Just going into Slave/Master and saying 'Strip and Perform', would have been awful". And I entirely agreed with him. Your best bet right now is to completely delete part 2 and try it again. If you don't I probably won't continue reading this. It's unbelieveably blunt and rushed. __________________ Luv George Sampson sooo much!!! George Sampson & Eoghan Quigg are fittt!! 18/F mistress from England! Xx Looking to mistress any guys or girls that are together. So I'd dare two guys, two girls, or one guy and one girl. If there's two of you and you're interested, let me know! I'd LUVV to mistress you!

11-16-2008, 02:26 PM	#7
Coyote getDare Addict Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: USA Posts: 2,110 Blog Entries: 14	ya i kind of agree with that...... it seemed rushed and you are trying to fit too much into one short (very short) passages

11-16-2008, 02:34 PM	#8
hormoneguy Account Banned Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: somewhere Posts: 30	dont give up yet everyone please keep reading i will edit part two later and take it a little slower. the story gets a lot better trust me