Funny?

[Underpants]

I was walking round with my trousers open and my dick out when a woman
said to me "Sir, your penis is sticking out!".
I replied "Don't flatter yourself Madam, it is HANGING out!"

[Runesmith]

How do you make your wife scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.


What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?
There's always a woman willing to blow your bonus.


How is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend makes it hard.


Why do women have orgasms?
Just another reason to moan, really.


What do you call a guy with a small dick?
Justin!
(Pronounced: JUST-in)


What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?
A cherry float.


What is 2.3 times 3?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.


What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
A trip without kids.


What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

[Runesmith]

My next door neighbor is a dyslexic Japanese girl. She screams every time she gets an origami.

Her husband is an 80 year old Japanese man. At his age, every election is a god given gift.

[Runesmith]

GetDare Medical Dictionary

So you went to the doctor and he was flinging around those big words at you, and you couldn't understand a thing? Well, here are what those words really mean. Read them and remember them. You'll thank me later.

Artery................... The study of paintings.

Bacteria................. Back door to cafeteria.

Barium................... What doctors do when patients die.

Benign.................. What you be, after you be eight.

Caesarean Section.........A neighbourhood in Rome .

Catscan.................. Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize................ Made eye contact with her.

Colic.................... A sheep dog.

Coma..................... A punctuation mark.

Dilate................... To live long.

Enema.................... Not a friend.

Fester................... Quicker than someone else.

Fibula................... A small lie.

Impotent................. Distinguished, well known.

Labour Pain...............Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff............ A Doctor's cane.

Morbid................... A higher E-bay offer.

Nitrates................. Cheaper than day rates.

Node..................... I knew it.

Outpatient............... A person who has fainted.

Pelvis................... Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative........... A letter carrier.

Recovery Room............ Place to do upholstery.

Rectum................... Nearly killed him.

Secretion................ Hiding something.

Seizure.................. Roman emperor.

Tablet................... A small table.

Terminal Illness......... Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour.................... One plus one more.

Urine.................... Opposite of you're out.

[Runesmith]

A father called his son into the living room and asked him to sit down. "Son, it's time i told you about the birds and the bees" he said.

"No dad, i don't want to hear it" his son screamed as he covered his ears jumped up and ran out of the room.

Later his father found him lying on his bed in a sulk and asked what was wrong.

"Look" the boy explained, "when I was 8 I got the "there's no tooth fairy" speech, when I was 9 it was the easter bunny speech and then last year you dropped the "there is no santa" bombshell. If you tell me now that grown ups don't really have sex then I will have nothing left to live for."

[jtruman94]

Remember folks, Jesus died because he didn't use his SafeWord.

[dareforlife]

If you don't sin, then Jesus died for nothing.

[Runesmith]

A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing land mines that look like prayer mats.

Business seems to be good, Prophets are going through the roof.

[Runesmith]

A man goes to the doctor. After a complete set of tests, the doctor tells the man, "I am afraid I have bad news. You have a terminal illness, and there is no cure for it."

The man asks, "How long have I got?"

The doctor replies, "Ten"

"Ten? Ten what? Months? Days? Weeks?"

Spoiler:

The doctor continues. "Nine..."

[Runesmith]

A naked woman with big tits robbed a bank. None of the witnesses could remember what her face looked like.

[Runesmith]

Man: Hi, do you want to dance?

Woman: Sure, I'd love to.

Man: Great, go and dance. I want to talk to your pretty friend.

[Runesmith]

I have no home. I have no control. I can't find an escape. I don't see an alternative. There's no pause, no break, no end.



I need a new keyboard.

[Runesmith]

In order to test the responses of currently available Intelligent Assistant AIs, we asked the question "Why am I still single?" to all of them. Here are the responses:

Siri:

Spoiler:

"Sorry, I can't find Williams T. Bingle in your contacts list."

Google Now:

Spoiler:

"Here are the Google search results for "Why am I still single?""

Alexa:

Spoiler:

"I found 27 escort agencies servicing your area. Would you like me to call one now?"

Cortana:

Spoiler:

"Activating front camera..."

[ColdToes]

I treat my body like a temple. All those who want to are free to cum inside.

[Runesmith]

Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! Help me - I cannot feel my legs!"

Doctor: "Don’t panic, that’s perfectly normal. It’s because I amputated your arms!"