SM Advice.

[Star Shadows]

so im 18 and im really interested in bondage and S&M, but Im really awkward when it comes to just normal relationships, and when it comes to being sexual, so its even harder to talk about these types of things with my new boyfriend. And he acts sort of dominant but i also feel weird cause he's a year younger than me. I kind of feel like hes into this sort of stuff too, but i dont know how to bring it up, or hint to him that im into it. idk if im just assuming things, but he acts dominant kind of. for example, hes very strong, and the way he holds me and picks me up makes me feel like im his for good, and just the way he talks to me. like he doesnt like me sitting anywhere unless its on his lap, and his hold is just so strong. and he doesnt really ask me to do things, he just tells me. and i remember him saying that he knows he can handle me well. i know im talking a lot but im just so inexperienced and confused! please help haha.

I really would tend to agree with everything that Lady C has just said:- certainly don’t get too sexual or at all sexual with it until he is of consenting age to do so, as much as all may be well and good it can go badly if anything does happen between you. But when the time is right then don’t sugar coat it but dont make a big deal of it.

Finally what Lady C says is incredibly wise and should deserve a great deal of thought. The behaviours you have described to us are more possessive bordering on control freak rather than dominance. By no means take this the wrong way but I do agree with Lady C in that the relationship may not end healthily once he knows that you are a submissive and he may just see it as an opening to push you around and become even more controlling. While i may be wrong about him, it may just be that he is young and naive, I would have concerns about letting him in on this due to his described behavior as- like Lady C said there is a chance he would be more of a dumbinant than a dominant and it could land you in a negative situation.


Advice provided by Star Shadows

[Star Shadows]

If I'm looking for a Master or Mistress (Preferably a mistress) But I'm only 16 and arn't strictly allowed to on this site, where is the best place for me to start looking?


Ok. I have been where you are- I know what you’re going through, and I know this is going to sound hypocritical but wait. Please wait. Read and learn- know your stuff so you know what to expect when you do turn 18. Look at the information on here and other places on the website and EDUCATE YOURSELF. Because I know right now it seems so appealing to jump in and ‘get your hands dirty’ and you probably think that you know what you’re doing and you will know all the bad signs to look out for, I was the same, but there is no harm in learning more while you wait. The more you learn the less likely you are to get hurt.

Again yes “oohhh becca is such a hypocrite” but I have been where you are and I got in early and now im dependant on it and regret it- I wish someone had been there for me when i was 16 to knock me over the head a few times to beat sense into me because.. as much as it sucks at this i can 90% guarantee to you that you do not know enough for it to be worthwhile getting in this young. At least leave it another year and learn more and more about what to expect and how to get out if it does go wrong because believe me- it makes SO much difference. Getting involved now isnt worth it. You have your whole life ahead of you to live it up in the bdsm lifestyle all you want there are other more important things to think about now. Wait it out. Please. Take it from the voice of experience. Been there, done that and the tshirt isnt worth it.


advice provided by star shadows

[LadyCeleste]

If I'm looking for a Master or Mistress (Preferably a mistress) But I'm only 16 and arn't strictly allowed to on this site, where is the best place for me to start looking?

First of all, I'm glad you asked us FIRST before doing anything. I agree with Becca here. You need to do some research because believe me, after being thrown into it as young as I was (Age 11), I became SO dependent on it that it took over my life until I was able to control it and get myself back to a level playing field.

You really need to step back and analyse what it is that you want because truthfully, you are too young to even begin to explore sexual sides of things. Do your research, talk with other users and just use some of the threads on gD as a resource. There is an entire thread linked with other help/info threads that will be able to give you a better idea of what it is that you need to consider before jumping into something that is so vast and deep that you could drown.

[honeyness]

Some of you may have noticed that I haven't been giving advice at the minute, I'm coming close to my exams and have been incredibly busy recently. I don't want to give any half hearted advice due to time constraints, so i have gained permission off Star to take a break from advice giving.

This is definitely something I will return to when I have time on my hands, and I apologise for those submitting questions to be answered.

If anyone wants to talk to me personally about anything at all, I invite you to PM me and I guarantee I will get back to you within 3 days.

I may also be chipping in some occasional posts if there is something I really want to add, but Star and Lady C always give excellent advice!

Honey

[Star Shadows]

(My deepest regrets that Honey has to stop for a while- your input will me missed- and Lady C's is needed even more than ever)

Hi, so I'm in a newish relationship (3 months) and my partner and I consider ourselves to be switchy, with myself being a little top/dom heavier, and she being a bit more bottom/sub heavier. As I'm the more experienced player, we've done a scene or three with edgeplay and other things, both of us sort of feeling out her kinks. However, my sub has been going through some major stressful life transitions (moving, figuring out her career, etc) and the play has been put temporarily on hold. Also, these changes have caused a lot of insecurities in myself to come roaring to the surface, and I've not been shy about (maturely) and openly expressing them. However, now that things are settling down, a bit of insecurity remains in me and I'm wondering if she'll ever see me as the slick and sexy dom before all of these transitions, and indeed, if I'll ever regain the confidence to top her or if my expressing my insecurities has "ruined" our play and the illusion of me being a controlled, confident top.

It seems to me that all that is happened is that you have gotten out of your stride a little. I think, it my just be a case of once you get back into things your confidence will come back: it may not be but if this is something you both are dedicated to then you should at least give it a try. It may just be like when you don’t drive for a while, or visit somewhere you haven’t been in a long time- once you find your feet again then it may well be fine. As for the life issues you can at least take comfort in the fact that it is not something that you have done that has halted what you were doing it is simply a matter that life has gotten in the way- like it does for for most people, this means that before your hiatus there may not have been any issues so once your confidence is returned maybe things can go back to how it was. Not guaranteed but give it some time and see how things go.

[Star Shadows]

Is it safe to use nail polish on your clit as a punishment? I did this once when it was little and I can't recall the feeling so I want to try it and see how it feels now, but I'm worried it might be harmful. Would it be more or less harmful than toothpaste?

I'm not really sure about the ins and outs of if this is safe or not and really struggled to find any information on this online so am not willing to answer one way or another. But because of my uncertainties I have forwarded this question onto Nellybelly in her "is it safe" thread where you can get a far more competent answer. Clicky here for thread

[Star Shadows]

I'm 17, I've had no experience other than occasional casual things online, doing dares (from online) and being on getDare, but I am really curious about BDSM and I'm really curious to go out and try it but I am a bit shy to try it because I don't want to get into any dangerous situations and I don't want my identity to be revealed/I want to be anonymous and I'm also kinda shy and don't know where to find someone trust worthy. I want this just to be a way of experimentation not to become a way of life. What advice can you give me?

Just as a side note the other thing is I'm a virgin too and I'm not in a hurry to lose it but I'm also no too worried if I lose it, not saying that it would end up with sex but should that affect my decision.


There are a few ways you could go about this but I will tackle the side note first: Just because you are in a BDSM relationship, or seeking to enter one, DOES NOT mean that you are automatically signing up for a sexual relationship.

Despite the social stereotypes which imply sexual intercourse, or intimacy with your sub/dom as being a fundamental factor, this is not always the case - especially with BDSM encounters online, there is a fair possibility that your virginity would not come into it at all .

Even though it is most unlikely that a Dom would explicitly order you to lose your virginity, remember, even if they did, you do not HAVE to do it. You should discuss it maturely, ‘negotiate’ or if all else fails and you still really don’t want to do it then you may walk away. Rest assured that a worthwhile dominant would not force you to act upon something as major, and essentially permanent as this if it were not something you were openly willing to do.

You can even prearrange with a dominant that your virginity is a hard limit, and that you and you alone will make that decision.

As for the other bit there are a few things that are basic run of the mill advice that everyone gets from me in regards to safely entering a BDSM relationship, or the environment.

Firstly, it is important to understand that it is very hard, if not impossible, to find and maintain a stable relationship with someone while maintaining an anonymous persona.

The most important cornerstone of BDSM is mutual trust between Dom and submissive. It is that trust which is relied upon by the submissive to know that their Dom has no mal-intent and wishes to keep them safe, and that same trust is what the Dom uses to know that their submissive will try and obey.

Now, trust is not something that can be given simply because one is a sub and one is a Dom, it must be earned and this invariably means becoming more than just an anonymous face to each other.

In the process of getting to know someone and earning mutual trust, you will almost certainly end up sharing information which has the possibility to completely remove your anonymity.

Knowing each other as people rather than anonymous voices is the price of trust. You have to bear in mind that you will naturally expect that if they are willing to give you something then be ready for them to expect the same in return. Trust, openness and honesty swings both ways.

Communication is also key and there are many things to consider here.

First of all it is not considered rude to ask for advice with regards to regards to other members who you may be considering as a choice. Nor is it considered inappropriate to ask questions about the lifestyle, what it means, what options there are and other things - the advantage of such a massive community here is that there is always someone you can rely on and always someone you can go to for help with minimal judgement.

After all, for a lot of the more seasoned members there isn’t much we haven’t seen, heard of, or read or wrote stories about.. Also understand that there are a lot of members, like myself, honey and Lady Celeste who you can PM in confidence with any issues or concerns you may have.

I would also recommend knowing your dominant/submissive outside of the constraints of BDSM, get to know them as a person not just as a role in a relationship. Just as you would get to know a girlfriend as a person before she was your girlfriend. Knowing them outside of the role helps strengthen the relationship a lot and will help you trust them more in the long run.

Short of this, for people over 18 it’s just largely a case of making an ad in the SM section explaining exactly what you want, especially in this case, and being patient with your search. You should also consider looking at other peoples ads.

Beyond that you could go and try and find a real life relationship, either from a club or with a friend or partner that has a shared interest in this.

If push comes to shove a professional dom/escort to act as a form of teacher, but who will have no interest in your personal identity beyond providing their service. You may of course have mixed feelings about this route. However this 100% destroy the idea of anonymity that you were looking at - so again it is a toss up between the two.

However until then I would recommend wholeheartedly to do a lot of research and reading up about it- it gives you more time to prepare and understand what you want from the lifestyle and what you want to get out of it.

Advice by StarShadows, Edited by Philosophical so if it makes no sense blame him

[Star Shadows]

If I were to have a sub it wouldnt be an intimate personal thing, I think I would have to have it an online phone relationship. Does that work? Any advice on finding a sub?

Online calls:
First things first, online telephone relationship are becoming ever more popular now with the increasing popularity of service providers like ‘Skype’, and the recent improvements to ‘Windows Live Messenger Video Call” (though the latter is still far from perfect and skype still very much leads the way here)

It is still very much a successful method of having a relationship especially when working harmoniously with cams as accompaniment. It is so much closer to the real thing than simple text ones, as you have can engage with the tone of voice and facial expressions outside of the goofy little emoticons, (not that doesn't kick ass)

Many people now opt for this method and see it as their preferred means of relationships in an online form as it is so much more versatile and adaptive- when it actually works. (to quote a close friend "There is nothing more frustrating than orgasm denial as a result of your partner’s Internet connection failing")

So this would certainly hold no problem when you came to look for a sub- especially as software like skype, windows live messenger, yahoo and tiny chat are all free to use and download and you can get a bog standard cam for relatively small cost now if your laptop or PC does not have one inbuilt.

Getting a relationship?
As for advice on getting into a relationship the first- and some people think best- way is to simply put yourself out there and make an ad. In making an ad you are basically putting a sign up saying “heya i want a sub/dom come look here” without being so obnoxious as to actually put a sign up saying that.

About an ad

The first point for this to note is that you have to fill your thread with lots of lovely detail. Explain yourself and explain your explanations of yourself. Tell them, who you are, what you want, what you have to offer and how to contact you. Anything and everything they need to know to make a valuable first impression about you- because at the end of the day that is the one that sticks.

It is also important to remember however that moderation is as important if not more important that detail. While people will not take any notice of a half line ad (other than to take the piss out of it- unless its a girl but they all get spammed.) They equally do not want to read reams upon reams of stuff. You have to moderate so you have just enough information but not too much that people lose interest.

Working from these two points it is my most valued advice when making a ad that you should use Jenna’s what makes a good ad thread. It gives a lot of outline as to what you should be including and is great especially if you keep getting stuck- and also has the input of a lot or other members- [edit and TheLittleStrawberry’s intrigue me! thread= cant believe i’ve ONLY just found that one] Or you could even look to the Top Advertisements section- a relatively new part of the site, and see what these people have did right and try and emulate and improve- NOT word for word plagiarise- these ideas.


Patience is also very much a virtue in the grand scheme of getting a submissive- competition is tough and it isn’t always going to be easy finding someone (unless you’re a sexy ass 18-24 year old female) You are not the only one out there looking and you will have to accept that as much as it may suck you may not get lucky right away, or even 4th or 5th time. There are surplus amounts of male members so lots of male masters (even more male subs) and very few committed female submissives/mistresses who are actually female and are serious about a relationship.... let alone the trouble of finding one who matches what you want and want want you are offering. Jeebus its a jungle out there.


Then the next stage is the possibility of responding to a thread.

God forbid you actually find someone you want to take on as a dominant or a submissive you then have the traumatic task of going and applying to their thread!

This again has similar problems to actually making a thread. With so many voices shouting to be noticed you have to be a cut above the rest. So again you have to be detailed, interesting and brief (all in one go- we have such high expectations) check out Smile’s post on replying to ads here for some help on this.

There are some key things to remember here too- When making an add CHECK BEFORE RESPONDING!!!! for the love of God, heaven hell and jelly tots nothing makes you look like more of an idiot than responding to threads that are months and months old, searching for a Dom and you responding as a submissive, replying to a thread that says the person has already found their match, or replying in the wrong method (ie thread reply when it says PM) It makes you look like an arrogant jackass so read first then post.

Along similar lints also: READ the thread FULLY before you even think about responding. So many people simply see the relevant age or gender and blanket respond to any and all that match. This again makes you look like an arrogant asshat so in the nicest way possible DONT DO IT. Make sure that you respond only to people that you
would actually want to become involved with. If this was something everyone did then wouldn’t life be SOO much easier- not as many voices shouting.

As i was saying the final part of becoming involved is a matter of not coming across as a dickhead, this can be done in the ways mentioned above and by doing simple things like not PMing people who ask not to be PMed asking if they will be yours, and not just blanket PMing everyone- most find it annoying and if you cross the wrong people you will receive a verbal fist fucking (thanks ch3rry_bomb for the saying).

This should also be continued in chat. If in chat you want to ask if anyone will enter a relationship with you please make sure you are in the dare slave room to do so, and that you are not interrupting conversation. These are all simple matters of good manners and keeping up appearances.

One last tip {final final one i promise} is to read up on the lifestyle- even if you think you know it all. use threads of notes to develop your understanding and also use a google scholar search- its amazing the stuff you find on there in relation to bdsm.

/rant over.
(ranty) advice provided by star shadows,

[LadyCeleste]

I want to sincerely apologise for not being more active. It's been a little hectic in my life as of late.

Hi, so I'm in a newish relationship (3 months) and my partner and I consider ourselves to be switchy, with myself being a little top/dom heavier, and she being a bit more bottom/sub heavier. As I'm the more experienced player, we've done a scene or three with edgeplay and other things, both of us sort of feeling out her kinks. However, my sub has been going through some major stressful life transitions (moving, figuring out her career, etc) and the play has been put temporarily on hold. Also, these changes have caused a lot of insecurities in myself to come roaring to the surface, and I've not been shy about (maturely) and openly expressing them. However, now that things are settling down, a bit of insecurity remains in me and I'm wondering if she'll ever see me as the slick and sexy dom before all of these transitions, and indeed, if I'll ever regain the confidence to top her or if my expressing my insecurities has "ruined" our play and the illusion of me being a controlled, confident top.

The thing you need to understand is that all of us have insecurities within us. Even those of us who been doms or subs for long periods of time have insecurities. It's all a matter of how you deal with them. If you and your submissive are as good together as you seem, then she will always look at you in the same light. But the thing you have to remember is to bring up how you're feeling when you two aren't in session and do it in a way so that she realises that you aren't attacking her, but rather expressing frustration or something that is bothering you.

That is really the best way to handle something like this. If you're honestly concerned that she won't look at you in the same light, then you really need to tell her and say "I don't want this to drive a wedge between us."

[LadyCeleste]

Is it safe to use nail polish on your clit as a punishment? I did this once when it was little and I can't recall the feeling so I want to try it and see how it feels now, but I'm worried it might be harmful. Would it be more or less harmful than toothpaste?

First of all, you need to be careful with ANYTHING in that area. Especially because it is such a sensitive area. The rule of thumb is that if it's not meant for the vaginal area, don't put it there. You can cause irreparable damage to your clitoris if you don't take the proper precautions. Also, as Star Shadows said, check nellybell's thread for more help.

[LadyCeleste]

I'm 17, I've had no experience other than occasional casual things online, doing dares (from online) and being on getDare, but I am really curious about BDSM and I'm really curious to go out and try it but I am a bit shy to try it because I don't want to get into any dangerous situations and I don't want my identity to be revealed/I want to be anonymous and I'm also kinda shy and don't know where to find someone trust worthy. I want this just to be a way of experimentation not to become a way of life. What advice can you give me?

Just as a side note the other thing is I'm a virgin too and I'm not in a hurry to lose it but I'm also no too worried if I lose it, not saying that it would end up with sex but should that affect my decision.

First of all, kudos for not losing your virginity right away like some of the teenagers out there. I give you a lot of props for not doing something like that, especially not right away.

Now, onto your question. The thing about BDSM is that not all of it is sexual. Much of it really is not about the sex, but actually about Dominance and Submission. Sex is just one of those things that is often tied into it because that is what is seen in the movies. If you have the right master/mistress who respects the boundaries, you will not have to worry about losing it right away.

The best thing to do would be to set losing your virginity as a hard limit and saying that it is not something you're interested in doing and if they attempt to break that limit, they are not the right person for you.

Also, there are things you can do by yourself that you don't need someone to direct you about. Things such as edging (for orgasms), ruined orgasms things like that. That's actually something D/S related that you can do by yourself. The thing you want to remember is that because you are just looking for experimentation, you need to put that ownership is not something you are looking for at this time.

Also, this is just something that I am a firm believer in and that is being of consenting age. In the US, that is 18. Explore by yourself (CAREFULLY) first and ASK QUESTIONS! Don't get involved in the scene too early. It is a pain to get back out once you're in.

[Star Shadows]

I feel like my master is too lenient and forgiving. We always have fun when we have sessions but not once have I been punished throughout our whole relationship, even when I've admitted to lying to him. I love my master and how caring and nice he is, but sometimes I wish he were more harsh. But at the same time, I don't want to upset him by telling him I dont like the way he's doing things. What do I do?


While i know you have said that you don’t want to upset him by telling him I really think that communication is the key to addressing this issue. You need to talk to him about this if you want to sort things out so that you are happier- as much as dominants can be amazing they can’t read minds- you have to tell them if you aren’t happy with something.

There is no need to even make a massive deal about it just politely let him know that you would like to try being punished in a harsher way because you feel it may be more beneficial to you than the methods that are being used now. Don’t make it personal about him or the relationship just tell him about wanting to try something different.

xx
Star Shadows

[LadyCeleste]

I feel like my master is too lenient and forgiving. We always have fun when we have sessions but not once have I been punished throughout our whole relationship, even when I've admitted to lying to him. I love my master and how caring and nice he is, but sometimes I wish he were more harsh. But at the same time, I don't want to upset him by telling him I dont like the way he's doing things. What do I do?

The best way to do something like this would be to bring it up in a non-confrontational way. Just go to him and say "Master [if you call him this] I have been feeling like I am not being punished enough. I would really like to try being punished for the things I do wrong more often." Or something to that effect as it will give him the idea of what to do.

Another approach would be to look at it this way: you can tell him that you would enjoy "x" as a punishment. IE: spanking, time in the corner etc. That is also another way of doing it. But you have to remember to do it in a discreet, non-confrontational way.

[Star Shadows]

I am new to the Domme/Submissive area, and I'm trying to figure out whether I am more submissive or dominant. I have given it a bit of thought and still can't decide which path is right for me. I am afraid that if I commit to one or another, I will get bored of whatever choice I have made. I've heard of a switch, and from what I've been told, it is a person who switches around from domme to sub. Is it true?

Yes, you have been informed correctly a switch is simply someone who swaps and changes between the roles of submissive and dom(me)- either out of preferring to keep an open mind or because they do not have a preferred roll which they would like to stick to. From the sound of it you would appear to be a switch, at least for now-

I would also just like you say that you do not really have to decide which ‘path’ to take right away- you can chose to change whenever you feel the need to do so as long as you actually tell whoever you are involved in at the time that you are changing. While commitment is one thing, sticking in at something past when you are enjoying it isn’t good either.
It is also possible to be a sub an a dom at the same time if you have the time and can make it work- I know a lot who do this.

[LadyCeleste]

I am new to the Domme/Submissive area, and I'm trying to figure out whether I am more submissive or dominant. I have given it a bit of thought and still can't decide which path is right for me. I am afraid that if I commit to one or another, I will get bored of whatever choice I have made. I've heard of a switch, and from what I've been told, it is a person who switches around from domme to sub. Is it true?

As Star Shadows said, you were informed correctly, switches are people who switch between domme and sub. As of right now, I would also agree that you might be a switch and would encourage experimentation with both to see which suits you better.

There are some people who never fully switch to either one or the other, as they are happy with playing both roles. It is important for you to know that with every play scene comes responsibility and you must take it seriously, even though it is play, you must remember to be safe and take the proper precautions necessary.