SM Advice.

[Star Shadows]

My boyfriend and I have recently started taking an interest in having a D/s relationship, but we're not exactly sure where to start. Do you have any advice or sites that could possibly help us start? I would personally like to find a mentor or speak one on one with someone but that seems to be pretty hard to find.


There are so many different places you can find information on where to start, be it here, websites or books, will try to give you some of each of these to help you as there really is quite a lot to learn, as much as not all of is it needed to be able to start experimenting. You may however find that quite a deal of the information is repeated from place to place.



Knowing where you stand:
I am going to be naughty here and assume that you know the basic roles of D/s (sub ,dom, switch etc) however it is important to consider that your pre-conceived notions of where you lie in relation to these may not necessarily be accurate when you come to beginning play. As such you should try experimenting with all sides of these relationships and indulging the possibility that what you think you are and what you are may not be the same. Its also fun to experiment.


Starting Simple:
I know this one may seems obvious but start small, don’t run before you can walk. In starting with the simple and manageable you allow yourself time to grow to one another and develop more of an understanding of what you both are capable of. It is also recommendable not to dive straight into the heavy bondage. Especially when you are just getting started, but there are some good beginners kits to be found on google, generally you’ll get what you pay for but always take the reviews into consideration.

SAFETY!
bondage: Your binds should not be so tight that they cut off blood flow, this level of extremity is rarely/ never necessary (except if you’re a kidnapper or serial killer), make sure that there is always at least two methods of ending a session should something go wrong. Just remember you are better off having broken toys, than doing each other some form of genuine harm.

When you’re first starting off it’s strongly suggested that the submissive partner is not bound in such a way that they cannot break free if needed; for inexperienced Doms it is entirely possible to go into shock and panic upon seeing their sub in distress, and they may discover that they’re too shook up to carry out the release.

Also, never leave a submissive left in bondage for durations of time while unsupervised; you may think its sexy to leave them alone not knowing when you’re going to come back, but it is dangerous even for experienced couples to try this as something could go wrong, without supervision things could escalate quickly and you may be entirely unaware of it until it’s too late.

safe words: safe words and signs are important, be it a spoken word, or squeeze hand twice for ok, once for stop. A safe word comes into play when the scene has gone too far for the limits and comfort zone of one of the participants. It is more serious than “I don’t wanna” and play should stop as soon as a safe word is used.

However also take into consideration that a submissive may not always be willing, or able to use the safe word, you have to make sure to keep out for other signs that show that things have gone too far, as you know each other well you are likely to know these better than I am, but an example would be discolouration of the limbs during bondage.

preparation: Always prepare for the possibility that something could go wrong, keep first aid kits, and other medication that may be needed (etc inhalers), mobile phones and other important things like that close by, if something does happen you don’t really want to have to go wasting precious time running around the house trying to find things- it is better that they are easily accessible.


Learning and reading:

You should find ways that your learning experiences can be as intimate as the play that you wish to learn about; you should consider reading material on the subject together, look for ideas that others have tried and watch for the subtle reactions that your partner makes to each one.

Here are a few websites that you could use:
Tootimid- Beginners guide to bondage

BDSM Tip Sheet for Beginners by Lady Green and Jay Wiseman

*sorry to promote my own threads but* Guide to SM large amounts are more aimed to online play however some of the latter stuff may be helpful.

Collared and cuffed Seems MASSIVELY extensive

You could also consider learning from a physical book on the subject, this allows the intimacy that was spoken of earlier as it can be read snuggled up together or whatever is comfy for you. Some possible books to consider are:

Beginners Guide- how to be kinky

101Realistic introductions

While I have read neither of these personally (having bdsm books in my room doesn't seem wise with nosey parents) work from reviews and such to try and find things to help you.

Also know that many members on the site (the people in this thread for a start) are more than willing to offer one to one advice and guidance for you even if we may struggle to personally mentor you. But make sure the person that you ask can be trusted to not only know what they are doing, but be able to help you in the way that you need.

Thanks also to Mark / philosophical for giving me a hand with this as usual.

[Star Shadows]

ANNOUNCEMENT

Excitingly, due to occasional shortages of "staff" and a lack of male voice in the thread we are now welcoming Anjelen to the team on a trial basis.

[Anjelen]

My boyfriend and I have recently started taking an interest in having a D/s relationship, but we're not exactly sure where to start. Do you have any advice or sites that could possibly help us start? I would personally like to find a mentor or speak one on one with someone but that seems to be pretty hard to find.

Dear newbie. A D/s relationship may seem like a good idea, but you need to ask yourself whether you're aware of all the effects this may have on you, him, and your relationship as a whole.

While i am in no way seeking to discourage you, your question in and of itself gives small hint to the fact that you perhaps haven't done as much reading, studying, and thinking as is advisable.

However - you ask for information - and information you may have. I would suggest, amongst other things, joining Fetlife.com, a discussion board for closer and closer to a [b]million[b] people at all levels of maturity and experience - and read, and discuss, in the appropriate groups, for the both of you, so that both of you may come to understand each other better.

Again, i'm in no way trying to discourage you. BDSM tends to have deeper implications to oneself than one is usually aware of, especially at the start... On the positive side, one tends to learn a lot about oneself and others in the process of coming to terms with Kink - on the negative side, this sudden influx of knowledge, the rapidly shifting points of view that may occur, can be a little too much for someone to handle easilly.

So while i am in no way attempting to discourage you, i would suggest to go slow, go easy and feel each other out at first - then let things be as they come for a while. Take it in steps - just because one of you may be "dominant" does not mean they need to be loud, or cruel... Vice versa, just because one of you may be "slave" does not mean they have to be a doormat.

keep things Mutual, Safe, Sane & Consensual, keep an open mind, keep each other's safewords in mind but never, ever forget the golden rule...

Enjoy yourselves!

[Star Shadows]

I am a fairly new Master and I am looking for creative ways to punish my slave. (both physical and mental) Any ideas?

Unfortunately, I dont feel in a position to give you specific advice on what to do in these situations, for a number of reasons. but cutting this short this isn’t what the thread was made for, and without certain sections of information I am not in the correct position to give you ideas on punishment, however if you look in the s/m area, at the post punishment and ideas section or request a punishment in the request punishment and ideas and ask for ideas, posting plenty of information on what you are looking for, it may take some time but there are some amazingly creative people on the forum that you can pick the brains of.

[Star Shadows]

Ok, so until I can work out some more appropriate people to help me with this thread again I have had to go back to doing these pretty much on my own so please forgive me if I am a little slow in doing them.

I started a relationship purely M/s with a girl but over a period of time we got attached to each immensely and love each other. She has recently started having doubts about her interests in M/s and we stopped indulging in it recently and keeping it purely vanilla but now i feel detached from her and she also feels lost. I think she is not able to adjust to the new dynamic. Please help we want to salvage the situation.

Well its a little hard to give advice without knowing if you are working on a real life or online relationship. I think maybe if you are having trouble with the way your relationship is working now that the M/s is totally gone then maybe try adding a little bit back in just to "spice things up a little" maybe only a few times a week or fortnight or something along those lines. That way you may be able to get the best of both worlds. But other than that I am a little stuck for what to say.

I am also now posting here on behalf of Lady Celeste who is still helping when she can despite requesting ban. So here is what she says:

The best way to handle a situation like this where you feel detached and she is feeling lost is to slowly implement it into the relationship again. As a dom, you have to realize that as she is dependent on you to guide her, you also dependent on her to be submissive, or the other way around depending on the relationship.

Stopping cold turkey like that and not having any sort of play in the relationship can cause some serious issues. As you said, you are feeling detached and she is feeling lost. The two of you seemingly need it aside from being in love with the other.

My advice? Start slow. Start with things that are slightly less vanilla, but not completely kink. A few sessions with small things like minor bondage, or small spankings. Start slow and don’t rush. After a while, implement both kink and vanilla. You have to have an even balance and it will be good if you start slow.

If you rush into things, it will not be good and can cause the two of you to lose sight of the issue. Good luck!

[Star Shadows]

Its an online relationship and we dont want to go back to M/s...if there is a way out and you can help us. That would be a great help.


In that case I am pretty much useless here, I am bad enough at real life romantic realtionships let alone online ones and dont really feel in a place to advise due to how bad i am at it. I think the most important thing will be to talk a lot about how you feel and just try to change the dynamic somehow. But its also important to realise that not all relationships work and sometimes things like a lostness or a detatchment can be a sign that the dynamic or relationship may not really be working.

[Star Shadows]

So after a rack of my brain for the best people I know on this site to join the team and help me help you.
We have 2 new contributors to the advice thread

In the form of

Chloe

and
ThoughtWrangler


Both of whom have helped me greatly in the past and are more than capable of helping you all here. These two are two of the many who gave me the knowledge I have today and that give me my inspiration and drive..

[Thoughtwrangler]

Quick introduction of myself for those who don't know me.

I've been lurking around the site for about 6 years now. I've had a few different profiles, choosing to shed old skins as my views on myself have changed and my understanding of Dominant/submissive relationships has evolved.

When I first arrived I identified more as a submissive and so have had some limited experience. I still have a submissive side but it is a very small part of me and I'm very much a Dominant.

Lastly a little disclaimer. I'm by no means an expert on any of this. I'm constantly learning and while StarShadows words have very kindly portrayed me I want to make it clear that I am not perfect and do not know everything. I am usually pretty good at giving advice though so hopefully I can help a few people out.

[SubMissChievous]

I will keep this short as I suppose most users already know me

For those who have joined more recently or during my absence: I have been around this site nearly 5 years. First as an occasional lurker, then a regular user and been on the moderation staff for 4 years. I officially joined the site when this section was created and the S/M Lounge is where I have contributed the most so far.

And while I don't consider myself an expert (I don't think anyone can realistically claim to be one either), I've had my share of experiences, good and bad, online and real-time and had the occasion to meet many people who have helped me shape my own views and make tons of new experiences and I'm glad to use this forum to give back to the new ones

[Thoughtwrangler]

I have been a member of GD for a few months now. I started out being a sub, and I really enjoy it. But now, I want a sub myself. However, I'm too embarrassed to post an ad because I don't want people that I know seeing it and thinking "really?"or thinking that I'm strange.

I think the majority of users who are interested in the M/s dynamic at very least take an interest in exploring both roles at one point or another. Indeed it can be very rewarding to see things from the other side if for no other reason than the experience.

There is nothing weird about exploring another side to your personality. I personally keep the submissive aspect of my personality separated but I know several users who are quite happy switching. Again there's nothing wrong with that. If you're really concerned maybe address it in the opening paragraph of your ad, explain your reasons for wanting a sub.

Best of luck.

[Star Shadows]

I have been a member of GD for a few months now. I started out being a sub, and I really enjoy it. But now, I want a sub myself. However, I'm too embarrassed to post an ad because I don't want people that I know seeing it and thinking "really?"or thinking that I'm strange.

Ok really I think that you should do what you want to do, if you want to be a sub you shouldnt let the opinions of others to effect that and you shouldn't be embarrassed about it. Theres an old saying:

Those that mind dont matter and those that matter don't mind.

Essentially what I am trying to say is... if YOU want to be a submissive, and think that positng an ad is the best way that you could do this. Then you should, yes some people will be all "really?" but those who matter to you, and those to whom you matter won't mind and it wont change what they think of you so there really is nothing to be embarrassed of. You only live once so you should do what feels right and will make you happy before the chance of feeling may have passed you by.

[darkgaysubangel]

hey! i am new to this site and to the Leather Scene. You can call me The Dark One. i am mainly a submissive bottom. my question to any one that want to answer it is Is it ok to ask my "Dom" to show me mutual RESPECT?

[Anjelen]

Mutual respect is - within the limits negotiated by the both of you - in my opinion, one of the core tenants of any relationship, not just a D/s relationship.

So yes - it is okay to ask your Dominant to show you respect as you show them - however, respect is something that must be earned - and earned both ways.

No Dominant worth their salt will expect you to respect them more than they have shown themselves worth - nor should you expect a Dominant to show you more respect than you've earned. How such things are decided and measured is another thing altogether - i do not know you, nor your (potential) Dominant well enough to establish for you the hows, whens, and whats of respect.

This is where your, and their, personal judgement and common sense comes in.

Play safe!

[SubMissChievous]

Originally Posted by darkgaysubangel

hey! i am new to this site and to the Leather Scene. You can call me The Dark One. i am mainly a submissive bottom. my question to any one that want to answer it is Is it ok to ask my "Dom" to show me mutual RESPECT?

Respect is an essential component to a healthy relationship and like Anjelen mentioned, it goes both ways. So not only it is "okay", I would tend to think it is mandatory. Submissive does not equate being a selfless doormat nor being Dominant being a bully or a jackass, after all.

The higher a submissive's self-esteem is, the better service the sub can provide

[Thoughtwrangler]

hey! i am new to this site and to the Leather Scene. You can call me The Dark One. i am mainly a submissive bottom. my question to any one that want to answer it is Is it ok to ask my "Dom" to show me mutual RESPECT?

One of my favourite movies is Coach Carter. First time he meets the basketball team he says "You will have my respect until you abuse it." I love that attitude, every person you meet should have your respect and I think this is especially true of a Dominant/submissive relationship. I would even suggest that if one party ceases to respect the other then the relationship should not and probably will not survive much longer.

If you haven't done anything to abuse your Dom's respect then absolutely you should have it. The fact you want to ask him to show you respect makes me think that you are looking for some specific behaviour from him/her.

Whether or not that is appropriate is between the two of you in my opinion. Respect to me simply means that you should take the other persons feelings, concerns and reactions into choices you make. It might be phrasing something delicately so as not to offend them or not pressuring them into to doing something.

Respect is a key to any relationship what respect consists of though might need to be discussed between the two of you.

On a personal note if you are reading this know that you will have my respect until you abuse it