Jack tale. My attempt at a story, I hope you like it.

[Kerrigan]

This is my first attempt at a story, Naturally, as its the beginning, nothing much happens, but I think the rest is set up nicely. Please feel free to leave comments and constructive criticism, and perhaps sugestions for the story, I look forward to writing chapter two.

Chapter 1:
Kai and his gang

Jack is a usual kind of guy, nothing really special about him, apart from his rather boyish look, he is 15, brown hair not too long, a bit of a fringe though it jut drops short of his eyes, he has a handsome face which would stand out from his rather bland looking classmates. He has a moderately good build, slim and slightly athletic, and wears his school uniform which was a dull shade of green, which on a dark day could look black, he had a blazer and trousers in this colour, and a white shirt, with the same green tie, he wore it in a baggy and slightly scruffy way, with his shirt never tucked in and a bag thrown lazily over his right shoulder.

It was a rather sunny day, Which was for the best considering jack had P.E today, so shortly after he finished his toast, he was well on the way to his school, St Jeophries Secondary School.
On the way he noticed some of the, what would be called 'cool' kids walking behind him, paying rather more notice to him then usual, He recognised them, The one on the middle was Kai, he was quite wealthy, his father was a doctor and his mother a rather good lawyer, He was a strange one though, he never seems to acknowledge anyone as friends, yet he had a small gang he never seemed to fond of, Kai was a rather handsome looking 16 year old, He had the same uniform and scruffy look as jack buy had pulled it off with more style, his hair was slightly longer then jacks, but has wax in it, and it stood up in a stylishly spiky manor to the left. The two next to him where rather unremarkable, slightly overweight, muscular and brainless, and it showed in their faces.

The school day was as any other, it seemed very dull, seemed like the few hours he was at school where like days, Drifting off in lessons, and P.E with Mr Dawsons, an ex army drill master, was as usual, an unnecessarily hard workout. At 3pm, came the welcome sound of the bell the signalled the end of the day. And jack, gathered his things, and began to make his way home, he expected this evening to be as any other, go on Facebook, pointless profile updates, someone he doesn't care about any more is going out with someone he doesn't know, and someone got drunk at a sleepover. It was always the same routine. He was passing the old warehouses, the only detail he picked up, which he saw the same morning was that one of the warehouses was no longer to let, someone must have rented the old place out.

Just as Jack was expecting the old routine a very large pain seared in the back of his head, he was thrown over and landed on all fours clutching the back of his head, which was now hurting immensely, everything seemed slightly blurred. He heard the familiar voice of Kai saying rather coolly 'Jeff, you where meant to knock him out with the first swing.' a lumbering a rather stupid voice replied 'Um.. Sowy Kai.' Before Jack knew what was going on, two large figures had grabbed him and put a bag over his head, barely conscious and unable to shout or yell, he was overpowered and dragged helplessly by the two figures, the last thing he saw before the bag went over his head, was Kai standing, rather coolly, smirking at him with his arms folded.

To Be Continued.

[Kerrigan]

I hate double posting on my own stuff, but I thought I would just say, Because I have no feedback on the story, I shall assume its not that great and I wont write any more on it, though I might try my hand at another story, getting to the main plot slightly faster. (To much on the detail in this one?)

[Komodo Jones]

Wow, waiting 29 minutes for feedback and then giving up. Yeah, chief you may want to wait a little while longer. Some of us have lives on Friday nights other than getdare. Granted, I'm not one of them but I digress. Here's my two cents on your story. First off, mechanics errors galore. I'm sorry but I was an English major in college at one point in time and it bothers me. Your first paragraph is made up of two run-on sentences. I needed to take a breath in mid sentence. Try spacing the sentences midway. Don't make it like a childs book but offer occasional breaks as a comma or a period suggests a breath. Also I noticed in several places that Jack wasn't capitalized or some unnecessary word was capitalized. Proper nouns such as Jack, Kai, Taj Mahal or whatever are always capitalized as are the first words in sentences and I by itself and some I contractions such as I'm or I'll but not it's. Also always start a new paragraph when there's a shift in dialogue. Like near the end Kai talks. Then you should start a new paragraph when the other guy talks.
Sorry for the rants but I just like stories to be grammatically correct, it makes it easier to read. As content goes...well it seems like a lot of other s/m stories and I think it's going to turn out that way. However, seeing as it is the first chapter I can't say that it will turn out this way. Before you progress, if you still choose to, you may want to do a little research on some of the other stories on this site to make sure that yours is unique and not another mass produced s/m story, if that's what you're going with.
Also next time wait a little bit before you decide to quit. Feedback can take some time and sometimes it's kind of difficult to get some at all. My story doesn't have as many comments as I would like but I write it for my faithful followers and because I enjoy it. If only one person likes your story other than yourself it's not a failure. Hope that helps some and hope you don't quit it because I'm interested to see if it turns out to be a good one.

[bondagecougarwtb]

I agree the story has potenial with some grammatical work, research and thought. Good start, if you decide to write more of it I will read it again

[Jellybones]

The story is fair. It has potential but there are quite a few comma splices/run on sentences. I think it could be good just put more periods lol. Its still readable in its current state but could be better.

On a different note to me Komodo it seems to be 3 days and 29 minutes before ragin like that you might wanna check the dates...